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torn and in turmoil...so unhappy

(43 Posts)
tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:01:22

DH and I split up in February, this week would have been our 10 year anniversary, we were married for 3 years and have 2 DC's. Our relationship has always been fairly one sided, I gave everything and he was quite selfish, liked his going out and football where as I loved to be home looking after kids as well as spending time out with DH when we could. However, over the years he has developed a drink problem, started out as more of a binge drinker but it got more and more frequent and he would get stroppy if he could not get out to the pub/club, etc. Things really got bad before christmas and I got very very down and depressed and started to see a counsellor, things seemed clear and I made the decision that he was not going to change, and I realised what a bully he had been over the years and how he had crushed me as a person. My self confidence was gone, I felt like a bad mother and just shit in general. Christmas was awful with his behaviour, too much to drink, jokes going to far, falling asleep then waking up and getting nasty in front of the family, etc. He had always said to me that no one else would ever put up with me and I believed it.

youcannotbeserious Wed 13-Aug-08 08:04:10

Sory, I'm a bit confused...

You left him, right? Do you now regret that? How have you felt about yourself since you split? And how is your DH? Has he stopped drinking?

Sorry you are down.

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:11:19

Around this same time, a lovely guy from work started talking to me, I knew that he liked me and to be honest it was like a breath of fresh air, I finally had someone I could talk to and was nice to me. I get put on by my family too even though I'm the only one with kids but thats another story.

Anyway in February I felt a much stronger person and during another row with DH I told him that I thought it would be best if he left, so he did. The next few weeks were a mix of emotions whilst on one hand I felt more free than I have ever felt in my life, I felt guilty for my DC's like I was depriving them of the 'normal' family life they deserved. DH begged me to take him back every day and was a wreck, he took time off work as he could not cope and was suicidal. This shocked me as I really believed that he did not want to be in the marriage but could not handle finishing it with me.

Then a few weeks later DH turned up and told me that he was seeing someone and it was someone I knew and someone he had discussed leaving me for 18 months previously. I felt like I had been punched in the guts, I was gutted and could not understand why he did this I never thought for one minute he would ever be unfaithful.

I then decided to go out one night with the guy from work, he told me that as well as the job he had working with me, he was trying to set up a business with a friend, he is really good at his job and I believed that he was a sensible guy, knew what he wanted from life and would look after me (I work full-time and actually earn more than him so its not financial security I want). He had a nice house, nice car and liked nice things.

Today, I have learnt a lot over the past few months...the new guy relies heavily on his parents who have a say in everything, he speaks to his mum twice a day, very lengthy conversations where he is either being given jobs to do or he is asking advice about something, he talked about me moving in with him then I find that he only owns half of his house, they pais for his car, they pay for his business and he is in debt. Now like I said I don't want financial security but neither do I want a burden and I have already lent him money, albeit small amounts.

I'm realising now that although ife was shit before, I don't feel any better now and I may as well be miserable at home where the DC's are happy. DH does not want me back home but wants to sleep with me. I just feel used, abused and lonely.

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:13:06

Sorry I hit enter and it posted my post before I had finished.

Yes I left the family home in the end, I could not stay there with him around. I could not ask for the doorkey back and I used to wake up with him standing over me so I moved out and rented somewhere.

I'm not sure if I regret it I just thought I was leaving for a better life but I'm no happier, just feel like I have three kids now instead of two!!

beanieb Wed 13-Aug-08 08:17:41

Don't go back to your husband, don't stay with the new man if you are not happy. Make a life of your own for yourself where you can be happy.

Are your kids living with you or your EX?
Did you leave or did he?

I would say start looking into getting a divorce and making your last relationship final.

Basically you decided to leave your husband (Though it does sound like a shit relationship if he was discussing leaving you for another woman) and it's not worked out how you planned with the other guy. At least you got away from a horrible relationship with your ex, so if I were you I would draw strength from that massive achievement and give yourself a big pat on your back for making it.

If you are suffereing from depression then visit your doctor. You can also maybe start doing some stuff just for you, get out and see what's out there in the world because you are free.

Oh and stop lending this other guy money. I assume you don't live with him?

youcannotbeserious Wed 13-Aug-08 08:20:40

Oh goodness, TBTT - I really feel for you.
I can totally empathise!!

I think, first things first, you need to get out of this new relationship. The 'man' sounds like a dork and (assuming he's past 30!) he's unlikely to change. It's ironic, isn't it? That someone can look so good on paper / from a distance (in fact, might actually appear a little too good to be true with hindsight!?)

So, get out of that. Don't do it to get back with your DH, Do it for you and your kids. Get yourself sorted and then see how you feel about your DH.

Is he still with the new woman? Is she a friend of yours? He likely wants to punish you, and only you can decide whether you want to be in any sort of relationship with him.

You wanted to leave, so things did have to change, but I think the problem is you were hoping that this new man would solve a lot of issues and you've realised that the new man has an equal amount of 'baggage' and issues - they are just different from the ones you were dealing with before.

I do really feel for you, you really must put yourself first now and get sorted for the DC

beanieb Wed 13-Aug-08 08:21:53

ps - you've listed loads of reasons in your first post for why you left your husband and I think you are really brave to have done so, with or without the involvement of another person. I did the same and I had months of worry and 'have I done the right thing'. I think it's natural to feel not only unsure but a little guilty but you need to keep in mind WHY you left and remember how unhappy you were. There were good reasons for leaving and you would probably be making a mistake to tey to go back to your husband.

I know it's tough but you will come out the other side a happier person smile

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:25:19

The house I'm renting is very nearby the new guy and to be honest we spend a lot of time with him, either at my house or at his. He is really great with the kids, they adore him. As for the lending him money, he is just not good with money and has admitted he has some debt. I only lend him money because he has done so much for me, for example, I broke my Chanel sunglasses, my Dad bought me them for my birthday a couple of years ago and was looking for some new ones online, I had forgotten my online password so shut down my laptop to do it when I was back home, then he found them himself and bought them for me. I did tell him off as it was not my birthday or anything and the following day tried to give him the money which he would not accept. So really the money was pay back, but then whenever I wear them he tells people that he bought them for me, which I hate anyway and I feel like saying, no, actually you didn't!!

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:28:49

I'm just scared of being on my own, terrified infactsad

I was feeling strong but DC1 took things hard and he is a complete nightmare, he tells me that he hates me everyday and plays up.

I just feel at the end of my tether now.

DH has stopped having the kids after a number of incidents that came to a head last week when his girlfriend put my kids in the car, with no car seats and had a car accident (bumped another car). DH can not see anything wrong as the kids are not injured.

youcannotbeserious Wed 13-Aug-08 08:29:32

URgh!

He sounds like a total jerk. I knew a chap like this once.... Always had a great reason that I paid cash (he NEVEr had any) but he bought anything on credit cards, but then he'd say 'oh I bought that' - well, maybe, but I gave you the bloody cash for it!! angry

This is just my opinion, but I think you feel bad because you don't want to have to accept that you have gone throu' so much hurt just to have ended up in another shit relationship.

You have to leave him, even if it seems really difficult right now....

Where abouts are you?

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:34:42

I just feel miserable. I felt so good in the beginning but now I just feel like I have jumped from the frying pan and into the fire so to speak.

New guy is 3 years younger than me, he makes me laugh and is full of fun but I have realised that he can't actually stick at anything, this new business venture his partner gets mad because he lets him down - unknown to me. Then uses excuses such as circumstances have changed, and uses kids as an excuse. I think these people must think I have ruined his life. Yet I'm independent and don't ask him for anything. On the few occasions I have tried to talk to him he has got quite upset about things and so I leave it and say its ok.

My family were not happy that DH and I split up and were worried (understandably) about the DC's, they are just getting used to things and would go mad if I said this one is over with too.

I worry tremendously about letting people downsad

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 13-Aug-08 08:34:43

TBTT

you can't stay with the new man for the sake of the kids anymore than you could have stayed with your H for their sake. Sounds to me (not being judgemenmtal, please don't take it badly) that you got too involved with the new guy too quickly and expected him to make you happy after your awful time. You need to split with number 2 I think (if you don't see a future) and be by yourself with the kids for a while. If and when you meet someone new don't involve him in your kids' lives until you are sure. You can't rely on a man to make you happy.

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:36:50

No, I know thats what I have done, it has all been too quick, it was a way out and I didn;t think anyone else would ever want me. I regret getting the kids involved but he was so lovely and he does things their Dad never did.

I know I have done wrong.

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:39:38

I have also left the village that I love and grew up in as I could not afford to rent there, hence I ended up here. DH is in the house with new girlfriend practically living there and that hurts. I feel lonely here, don't see friends, DS1 does not see friends (we are about 7 miles away) but I have not moved him from school. Its just a total mess and I feel so sad.

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:41:01

I just sit here and feel like 'I want to go home'.

youcannotbeserious Wed 13-Aug-08 08:41:33

I agree with Kat, TTBT.

Sorry, but you cannot stay in this new relationship just because your family would prefer it. You aren't happy and we are talking a mere matter of months.....

You have to consider that the person you are letting down most right now is yourself and you owe it to your kids to stand up and say 'you know, I messed up. I messed up big time, and I have to stand up and take responsbility for that'

I@m afraid I also agree with Kat, that you have expected this new man to make you happy (He may well have promised you the earth, but that's not the point here!)

You know... I'm really not on a moral high ground on this one. I've been here, a while ago I fell into a similar situation. After a matter of weeks, I KNEW I had to get out. I'm not going to lie. It was horrible and I ended up homeless and jobless for a little while, but it was the very very best thing I did. I had to get out. And you do too. You already know it.

FioFio Wed 13-Aug-08 08:45:56

Message withdrawn

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:45:58

I do have to get out. I have made a mess and I came on here because I want to sort it out.

I have had a week off work and have had two great days out with the kids, today its raining so think we will have a day at home I'm seeing DH tonight to talk about the DC's I don't know what I will say to him.

A lot has happened since we split, fall out with friends and both sides of the families, a lot of bridges have been burnt. I don't think anyone would ever accept DH back. He has done a lot of talking about what happened in our marriage...all of it my fault in his opinion. People have only heard his side of the story because I'm not one for gossip but he has made it difficult for me with everyone. There have also been violent incidents with Police involved but depsite everything I still have this urge to go home?

WTF is wrong with me?

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 08:47:55

I have learnt the lesson about introducing the kids tbh. It only happened because I hated being alone and I feel bad for that.

There are reasons why I want to stay with the new guy because I think he won't cheat, he loves the kids, etc. What if I never find anyone else like that again? I will end up old and lonelysad

ToughDaddy Wed 13-Aug-08 09:07:00

Seems as though you always need to have a bloke around but be careful that you don't put up with the wrong bloke just so that you have one. Isn't no relationship better than a rotten one?

Also, there is a hint that you want to go back to old family set up. What ever you do, you should not bother too much about what people (incl the Police think). The decision should be based on whether DH is capable of being a good husband. If he is violent then you should think carefully. Also, rather than dive straight in you should have a civilised chat with DH maybe accompanied by someone that you both trust.

youcannotbeserious Wed 13-Aug-08 09:07:45

TTBT,

Feel free to mail me t ycbs@fsmail.net

You can get out. You will be happier for it.

THis is not related IN ANY WAY to your DH. Yo uhave to get out of this other relationship for you. You got into for the wrong reasons and it won't get any better / easier.

Sort yourself out and then decide what you want.

I might get flamed for this but if you want to be with your DH for the right reasons and you can make changes as a couple, then I don't think it's off the table, IYSWIM

You CAN do this, hun. You can, and you will be OK.

turquoise Wed 13-Aug-08 09:10:25

This fear of being alone is the crux of your problem and you will continue to jump out of the frying pan into the fire until you deal with it.

So you want to go back into the frying pan?

I understand the urge to go 'home' but you're not going to be any happier if home means xh are you? And in the long run that will not make your kids any happier either.

Can you go back to your counsellor? Work on your self esteem?

The reality of being alone is not as scary as the thought of it, believe me. Can you talk to your parents about how you feel?

It may be that things your ds1 plays up less if you get rid of this current man too - he must be picking up on your turmoil, and maybe time to yourselves without the new man might have a positive effect.

supercherry Wed 13-Aug-08 09:24:13

TTBT, you have not done anything wrong! You left a drunk (well done!) and you got into a relationship (bit of a rebound) thinking he was a decent fellow. It turns out he's a bit of a loser. That's not your fault. You've been through an incredibly tough time- you're still grieving for the break up of your marriage. Be nice to yourself. You know that you don't need a man to make you happy. You just need to concentrate on finding out what does make you happy. You need some 'me' time, whether that's going out with friends or starting an evening class. The sadness will wear off, it just takes time. I think you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to leave a drunk. Sod what your family says, they weren't living with him.

ToughDaddy Wed 13-Aug-08 09:42:18

good post SuperC. No harm in TBT improving relationship with DH just to create some peace for herself and DCs?

tornbetweenthetwo Wed 13-Aug-08 09:44:53

Thanks for your posts. I think my fear of being alone is a problem, its just that DH has always told me I can't do anything right and I'm a bad mother. I realise now that my loss of self confidence is the reason for this, I don't know if I'm looking for reassurance that I'm doing ok?

I feel bad as the new guy is really nice and doesn't deserve for me to have come in and turned his life upside down? I had a talk to him earlier and he hasn't had a girlfriend for a while and has a history of getting dumped. He said its because he is too nice??

I think DH could change but maybe its just the familiarity I miss? I'm used to going out and him doing the paying, sorting, etc whereas now it seems to be me doing everything and I'm just tired out by it all. I feel like I need to take action but I'm off with the DC's this week and would rather just take them out on my own without new partner.

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