The saga continues.. is this normal behaviour for a 37 year old man? And should I marry him if I feel like this?

[WhatsupDoc]

Hi everyone

The saga continues.. (my last post is here)

I know I said my DP is hard work, but I just wanted to share some examples and ask for opinions as to whether his behaviour is odd or not (I think it's weird)

Some examples of things he does/has done:

Saved a strawberry in a glass jar for a year as an experiment to see how it deteriorated (lived on his study windowsill, he wouldn't let me throw it out)

He caught a spider in the bathroom one day - I didn't think anything of it - then I discovered he'd kept it in a jam jar (pierced the lid for air) and went out every evening and caught flies to feed it. Then a few weeks later he caught another spider and put it in the same jar to see what would happen.

We have been in our house for a year and have a huge, unkept mature garden with 6 vegetable patches. I tried to encourage DP to do some gardening to get him away from the TV and internet. His idea of gardening is as follows:

buy a bag of birdseed and plant it (to see what happens)

buy sunflower seeds (meant as petfood) and plant them somewhere else

buy grass seed and plant another vegetable plot with it

dig up a patch of lawn, replant it in a flowerbed and let it grow so it produces seeds which he can sow somewhere else

Other random weirdness includes:

Keeping the t-shirt he wore for DDs birth (complete with blood spatterings) hanging up in wardrobe - I discovered it last month, covered in mould (yup, he refused to wash it) We had a huge fight about washing it, I eventually won

Has kept both DC umbilical cord clips in a jamjar, complete with umbilical cord stump (looks for nauseous emoticon )

I could go on

I'm at the point where I feel I need to make a decision whether to stay in the relationship and make a committment to it (i.e. get married) or plan my escape. I just find it really hard to relate to him at the moment.

Opinions please?

[cyanarasamba]

Sounds very sweet, like a little boy!

Nothing too serious there methinks? Haven't read your other posts but is this the only problem?

[fishie]

some people may think that is weird behaviour, others that it is perfectly normal. shows an enquiring mind anyway, how would you feel with someone who just sat on sofa watching telly?

you don't need to get married to commit and you don't need to decide to escape right this second either.

[pinkspottywellies]

I only read the op that you linked to so I don't know what else was discussed but just wanted to give you my initial reaction.

He sounds very sweet.

Very quirky - yes maybe bordering on odd but so harmless. The things you mention here are interesting experiments. Odd but just funny!

However I think if it was my dp I would find it infuriating and ridiculous

I think you said in your other post (sorry not going to go back and quote you) that you don't blame him for you not getting on but you're just not compatible (paraphrased). That seems to be the crux of it. He's not doing anything wrong but he's not going to make you happy. And you have to decide if you can stay living with him anyway.

Perhaps if you went to counselling together you could both learn to communicate better. Maybe it would help you stay together or maybe make up your mind to leave.

Good luck, you've got some difficult decisions to make.

[moondog]

Sounds ok to me but you have kids together anyway, so are surely as committed as you canbe, no?

[blowsy]

How old is he?? Oh, just seen he's 37.

It's just that my ds(9) does similar things (apart from blood stained t-shirt in wardrobe)!

He sounds quite eccentric, but is he OK generally?

[fishie]

sorry whatsup i should have added a bit more there, not meaning to order you about

is he just leaving everything 'grown up' to you while he 'experiments'? is how it comes across in your post anyway.

not something i have experienced myself, but certainly have plenty of with thinking 'is that it for the rest of my life' scary thoughts

[wrinklytum]

Well,maybe a little odd,but maybe he is just thinking about life and death,degeneration and regeneration?!!!Is he a frustrated biologist/forensic scientist???

Seriously,he sounds a little eccentric,but its not like he is being in any way abusive or horrid towards you like some of the upsetting threads I've read om here.Have you talked about what motivates these "Experiments".Have you told him how you feel,what does he say??

(I still have the dcs umbilical cord stumps in a jar in loft somewhere)

[blowsy]

Oh, and btw - I have ds2's cord stump in his baby box!

[oi]

if it's annoying you now, it will get about 300x worse when you are married

[TillyScoutsmum]

Sounds quite harmless - but if it really bothers you and you don't relish the thought of spending forever with him and his slightly odd habits, then...

FWIW, dp is passionate about lots of things to the point that I find it obsessive, but I find it quite endearing. At least he has some interests...

[slim22]

why do you need to get married now?

[MsHighwater]

He sounds faintly autistic/Asperger's to me. Not suggesting anything diagnosable - how would I know? - but that's just what popped into my head when you described the things he does (and having also read some of your other thread).

[WhatsupDoc]

MSHighwater - I wondered about autistic/aspergers too.. he has real trouble communicating

Yes he is not very adult. He has a very strong mother who makes all the family decisions (and is making my life a misery at the moment, interfering old bat) actually all his family are very strong characters, he's a little downtrodden

I am quite a strong personality too. Part of me wants to take care of him, but part of me wants him to be a bit more alpha male.

He is very good with DC, very gentle, although prone to very low moods and low self-esteem.

trefusis one of the spiders was pregnant, so we had a zillion baby spiders who then escaped through the air holes. I was not best pleased

[Anglepoise]

Like other posters, I find the stuff in your OP quirky and sweet (and not a million miles away from the stuff my DH would do!). The stuff that you mention in your other linked OP (that you don't share a sense of humour and have nothing in common) is far more concerning imo (afraid I haven't read the rest of that thread).

[PinkTulips]

he sounds like me

haven't read the other thread as my internet is being weird so i can't open any more pages but based on what you say here i think he sounds lovely and great fun to be with

[PinkTulips]

i just read the post about the baby spiders and cried i laughed so hard

bless, bet he was delighted with that result though!

[3littlefrogs]

What you describe are potentially lovable qualities.

However:

Is he a responsible adult?
Is he a responsible, caring, committed parent?
Would he look after you if you needed him to?
Would he look after your dcs if (God forbid) anything happened to you?

It is easy to love someone who is quirky, eccentric, sweet natured and childlike - but there comes a time when you need an equal partner, not an extra child.

Many relationships fail when the realisation dawns that one partner has failed to grow up.

Sorry if I am way off the mark, but these are the questions I would be asking.

[MsHighwater]

Without being in any way an expert on the subject, I do recall reading/hearing that a lot of stereotypical male behaviour can be placed somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Think trainspotters, for example.

If you've had the same thought, it might be worth exploring.

[cheerfulvicky]

He sounds eccentric but pretty groovy. However, I can understand why his behaviour would annoy you, and if that kind of thing does bug you, then I'd think carefully about getting married. He's certainly not impossible to live with, but peoples standards vary with what they find acceptable, and it sounds like some of these things are problematic for you. So don't ignore that - I agree it will only annoy you more later if it's bugging you now.
But yes, I think he sounds quite sweet really

[HonoriaGlossop]

I agree with the sweet, eccentric and groovy view - so long as he is a decent father and husband as WELL as indulging his ideas; does he help properly round the house and garden as well as do mad grass experiments? Does he listen to you when you want to talk? is he a good dad to your kids, does he talk to them/read to them/play with them....if he does all this I think the other stuff wouldn't annoy me too much at all.

[Jasper]

I like the sound of him!

[Quattrocento]

I like the sound of your DH but I imagine that someone with his head in the air can be difficult to live with.

[thumbwitch]

he's not an engineer/ mad scientist is he? they tend to like investigating things...

lol at the strawberry - I keep yoghurts on the top shelf of my fridge to see how long they will last (drives DH nuts) and have had a pet bumblebee before now, which I fed on suar water until it committed hari kiri in the washing up water.
Yak at the t-shirt though - the sentiment is ok but not the blood! Likewise with the cord clips...

they seem to be minor irritants really but of course they add in to your whole irritation with himm in general; I still think that you need to get comfortable with yourself (I know I am repeating from the last thread) and accept this man for who and what he is.