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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Ok - honestly, should I go???

40 replies

essbee · 30/01/2005 22:01

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vict17 · 30/01/2005 22:03

I think I would only go if I was going with my children - be there for their sakes.

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essbee · 30/01/2005 22:05

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lou33 · 30/01/2005 22:05

tricky one essbee. I know when my mum died had anyone turned up that had been asked not to attend i would have probably had red mist descend, and saying my goodbyes would have been forever marred. This was a possibility at her funeral as well, although it didn't turn out that way.

however you have to consider whether your ex actually means it or not. Can you try and talk to him again and ask if you can come?

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lou33 · 30/01/2005 22:06

didn't take my kids, they were 7,2 and 10 weeks. We sent them for a picnic in Hyde Park, my mum would have preferred them having fun rather than watching lots of people getting v upset.

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vict17 · 30/01/2005 22:07

are the kids your ex's? Does he want them there?

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essbee · 30/01/2005 22:08

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Moomina · 30/01/2005 22:09

I was going to say the same as lou. Does he really not want you to come or is there a chance that he is just saying that? Because if you think he's serious about you not going then I would say definitely don't go. Maybe you need to speak to him again - is that a possibility?

As for the kids, imo, too young for a funeral (especially if there is a chance things might be difficult with you and xh).

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essbee · 30/01/2005 22:09

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lou33 · 30/01/2005 22:10

i wouldn't let them go personally.

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essbee · 30/01/2005 22:10

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lou33 · 30/01/2005 22:11

good luck

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essbee · 30/01/2005 22:13

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lou33 · 30/01/2005 22:13

oh dear, what happened?

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Caligula · 30/01/2005 22:14

I wouldn't go and wouldn't let the kids go without me either - I think a funeral without their mother for kids that age is just a bit too tough for them (unless your elder one specifically wants to go and feels s/he can cope with just your Mum and Dad there. I'd send a sympathy card though, and just make sure that your side of the family understand that you're not going out of any disrespect to her, but out of respect for your xp's wishes.

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Caligula · 30/01/2005 22:15

Oops sorry, posts crossed

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BadHair · 30/01/2005 22:15

Your eldest child would probably be OK to go, and it will probably help him come to terms with losing grandma. Saying goodbye is distressing but its a part of the grieving process. My grandma died when I was 8 and I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral. I had to go to school as normal though I knew what day it was. Although I knew what death was and understood that she'd died, it took me years to come to terms with it and I honestly believe that it was because I didn't get to say goodbye in the same way that everyone else did.

If you want to pay your own respects, could you perhaps go later than the rest of the family and sit discreetly towards the back, then leave straight away? Obviously this would be difficult if your ds does go, though.

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Blu · 30/01/2005 22:18

Are you ok essbee?

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lou33 · 30/01/2005 22:23

just spoke to her, she has gone to bed, the conversation didn't go too well, and she is feeling tearful. I think she is going to stay away from the funeral. She asked me to update you.

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essbee · 31/01/2005 03:31

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weightwatchingwaterwitch · 31/01/2005 06:45

I too think you should respect his wishes on this one essbee and I wouldn't let the children go either, I think they're too young. I hope you're feeling better this morning.

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wobblystarryknicks · 31/01/2005 07:50

Have just seen this, really sorry essbee. If arsey is going to be like that though, probably best for you that you're not going.

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Moomina · 31/01/2005 07:54

Sorry he was so nasty, essbee. It does sound as if you're better off out of it, though. If you still feel you want to pay your respects, is there any point in perhaps sending flowers or something?

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essbee · 31/01/2005 16:36

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LIZS · 31/01/2005 16:53

Sorry he is being so difficult and upsetting you. If he is so hostile to the ideas of you sending flowers could you make a donation to a cancer charity instead in her memory. But if you still wanted to send something direct to his father then that is up to you, and he shouldn't prevent you. I think you are right that the kids are too young and if he won't accept responsibility for them they certainly don't need to go - they would need his support rather than to see him in a mess.

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MummytoSteven · 01/02/2005 16:41

sorry exh is continuing to be such an arSe.

i would say don't bother dignifying his mind games by trying to read into them and second guess what he really means - instead treat him like any other human being - i.e. just do what he says he wants and don't try to read his mind - and do what you feel appropriate to honour MILs memory. no point wasting your mental energy on needless guilt honey.