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Can snoring really break a marriage? Feels like it can right now [sad]

(30 Posts)
pavlovthecat Sat 14-Jun-08 10:20:49

Its such a long story. I was going to name-change. But then thought, why? Why not be me in this thread? So here I am, being me, an upset me.

I am exhausted. Last night I slept from 11pm until 2:30am. I cooked dinner, put DD to bed, cleared ip after dinner, watered pants, had bath, got out of bath to settle DD, got back into bath, moisterised, read book, went to sleep. DH watched footie with a friend.

Woken by DHs snoring, Or maybe something else. I really dont know. Could not go back to sleep, as his snoring is so so bad right now, he struggles to breath, sometimes he stops (apnea) but not always, even when he is not stopped, it is laboured.

I have tried talking about the apnea, he brishes it off, refuses to deal with it, says its nothing.

For the last few weeks I had slept pretty much as last night. I work hard in the day, have little time to myself, if any, so I go to bed early. I cant always sleep then, cant sleep in the day.

Dh and I are spending less and less time together, I am in bed, he is on computer as I am in bed, s he comes to bed late.

Our sex life is non-existent, we argue about the smallest things, he is grumpy, I am grumpy He is cruel, I am probably cruel.

Today we talked about it. I shouldered some of the responsibility, as I am tired I know I can be a cow. he also blamed me. Asked me what I was going to do about it.

He says there has been no affection, no intimacy, and he feels there is a huge gap in our relationship. Her wont recognise his snoring as so significant, ay he will get a pillow.

We are meant to be going out for his birthday celebration tonight, have a babysitter and its the first time we have been our for a long time together without DD. IHe says I have ruined it.

Can it be the snoring? Can it be something underlying that we are not recognising? We got no-where this morning, DD had to get up, and I feel more distant from him, less like he is listening to me than I have ever felt.

And I cant stop crying.

I might not be back on for a while as has gone to shops and will be back soon.

CarGirl Sat 14-Jun-08 10:24:50

Neither of you are sleeping, so you are both exhausted so I would say yes the snoring & apnea causing 75% of it, 25% of it is probably just the usual relationship low we all get from time to time.

Have you tried making him sleep downstairs so at least you get a better nights sleep?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 14-Jun-08 10:27:46

tiredness can do strange things to a person, hormonally, emotionally and healthwise. It could be that, and the fact that he doesn't seem to recognise the impact it has on you or is willing to address it in any way. He needs to listen to you if this is going to get resolved. Good luck xx

beeny Sat 14-Jun-08 10:28:52

Not sleeping makes everyone grumpy tell him calmly how exhausted you are you need some sleep (poor you)

littlewoman Sat 14-Jun-08 10:31:25

You know they used to use sleeplessness as a form of torture, so it's a big deal, yes. But how to make him see that? That's the problem. He sounds quite dismissive of your feelings and blames it all on you. I think that attitude towards you, and the lack of sleep, are probably both responsible for your distant relationship.

I know you said you are grumpy too. It's good that you can see what part you are playing here, and good that you are willing to look at your own behaviour. I feel he needs to be able to do this too, instead of blaming it all on you. But how to make him, is again the question.

JackieNo Sat 14-Jun-08 10:35:06

This does sound a bit like the way DH behaves - he too snores loudly, and (intermittently) get the sleep apnoea thing, but refuses to talk to the doctor about it. It's quite rare that it keeps me awake for very long though, but I completely understand how frustrating it is, not to mention frightening waiting for him to start breathing again, and nudging him to make it start when the not-breathing has gone on too longsad. I have considered using DD's toy tape recorder to record him, so he can hear just how bad it is, but haven't yet done that - might it be worth it, just to bring home how loud it is?

warthog Sat 14-Jun-08 10:49:08

HUGE deal. you're not overreacting. sleep is a basic need.

squishy Sat 14-Jun-08 10:50:34

Oh, I am sad at reading your post, but oddly feel a little better as I am feeling similarly low....I use earplugs every night - sometimes DH's snoring still wakes me but it is more bearable. I still hear DD waking before he does (he also comes to bed late having been on the computer and won't get up to let me have a lie in because I go to bed early because I know I need the rest!). Sometimes when he snores really badly, I want to knife him - sleep deprivation is the worst. DEFINITELY tape him if you want to, might work! Best of luck x

CarGirl Sat 14-Jun-08 11:03:13

My DH rarely snores enough to disturb me but when he does he gets kicked until he's woken up enough to turn over and shut up long enough for me to get back to sleep. He's not even allowed deep breathing when I'm trying to drift off blush.

When I get stressed about not being able to get to sleep I go downstairs and lay on the sofa, put the TV on and I'm off again in minutes because it stops me stressing about being awake!

tribpot Sat 14-Jun-08 11:05:10

I didn't give my dh any choice about talking to the Dr about sleep apnoea. A friend of mine who's a respiratory consultant suggested it and that was it, we were off. It definitely sounds like, for your sake as well as his, it needs to be treated. How is he during the day? Does he fall asleep a lot?

The waiting list for a sleep trial can be very long and I have to say that what we did was go to Bupa. Dh hasn't had a massive improvement since using the machine but has many other health problems as well as this.

I think you need to find some way of getting him to the doctor - maybe print out this page from the British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association. Have a look at the list of symptoms, it matches what you've said very closely.

posieflump Sat 14-Jun-08 11:05:32

hope this isn't too obvious a question but have you tired ear plugs?
Also I takr it you don't have a spare room?

BagelBird Sat 14-Jun-08 11:06:48

y agree. I live with a chronic snorer and have had sleepless nights crying in frustration. Even crawled in with DD2 occasionally to escape it. That long gap between snores and a sudden gulp and gasp of air as if they are drowning, then relax and back to full of regular mega snores.. total sympathy xxxx
(My DH once admitted that he hates talking about his snoring as my accusations make him feel like I am describing a huge fat pig stuck in a fence I wonder if you DH feels a little embarassed and defensive too rather than uncaring or insenstive?)

Ptraci Sat 14-Jun-08 11:17:36

(I have namechanged for this because DD knows my name & is following a thread on here atm, but you know me from the coffee shop/bar pavlov)

I moved out into the spare room a few years ago now because of DH's snoring & it was so much better - not only for my sleep but also for our sex life. I used to be tired all the & time usually went to bed early so I had a chance of being asleep by the time DH came to bed - if I wasn't, he'd fall asleep & snore & I'd lie awake & resent him.

When I moved to the spare room,I got plenty of sleep & we started making 'assignations' for sex, which we both found much more exciting.

The fact that I'd done something drastic also showed DH that he really needed to do something himself - he's now lost weight & is generally fitter, and the snoring is much better now.

If you haven't got a spare room, would a couple of nights on the sofa or an airbed be worth it for the sake of bringing it home to your DH how much of an issue this is for you?

pavlovthecat Sat 14-Jun-08 11:23:14

Thanks everyone for your responses. I feel a little better.

I think he has seen how upset it is making me. He has known about the apnea, but not how serious his snoring is effecting me. I slept on the sofa to get some sleep.

I have not tried ear plugs as I am afraid of not waking for DD (almost 2).

Bagelbird - thats exactly the problem with DH, he is a bit overweight, and is very conscious of it, so talking to him about his snoring, it really upsets him, so I have been so reluctant to do it.

We talked a bit more after my post. He said he has felt there is a major issue with our relationship as we have not talked about the problem and has been reacting to that. So I know in part it is my fault as I have not fully explained to him how serious it has been. I think I hoped he would figure it out.

We hugged and I said we need to figure out how to deal with his snoring. he agreed but wont talk about it any further. He just does not get it.

I need him to sort out his health/snoring for so many reasons. For me, for him, for DD.

And squishy I just told him he needed to sort it so I did not smack him one night, as a joke. He was a bit shocked, had to reassure him I was (half) joking!

Its really hard, we have not even been married a year, and have a really hard last few years, with both of us losing parents, and having a baby. And this has just been awful.

But, my second coffee, a hug, and our lovely happy daughter wanting family hugs and kisses has done the world of good.

pavlovthecat Sat 14-Jun-08 11:28:43

I am glad I am not the only one tho, and reassured it has not broken relationships. I just cant see him accepting me moving into the living room. He would/does see it as me not fancying him, or wanting to be intimate with him. Which it absolutely is not, and no reassuring from me will convince him otherwise. I had a nice long bath, did my legs, nice smellies, face pack, dont know who he thought it was for if not for him! (and me to be honest), but he came to bed at 1am. And I got up at 3am after being awake for too long already.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 14-Jun-08 18:56:14

pavlovthecat

Your husband has no choice but to address the sleep apnoea issues now and he needs to get out of denial. Both of you should attend the GPs asap, go together and talk about this in front of the GP. He needs to have this problem properly evaluated in hospital. He likely does not understand the full implications; it is a serious problem for both him and you.

Do not sleep on the sofa either - that will give you back problems.

minouminou Sat 14-Jun-08 20:20:49

DP is as fit as a fiddle, has a few cans of beer a week, and 1 or 2 fags a week, he's ever so slightly underweight, if anything, but has (used to be severe) mild asthma.
He snores like a buzzsaw, and we've had some very unpleasant rows about his snoring, with him going on lke "i can't help it, i'm not doing it on purpose"
Transpires it's because he's embarrassed about it...."only fat f**ks and alcoholics snore, it makes me feel disgusting"
my response was "fat f**cks, alcoholics and YOU", so get to your GP or you're on the sofa for ever
I had to drive it home to him that no-one in their right mind would see him as an alcoholic or fat, and that ir may be related to inflammation of his throat and airways, not some "middle-aged alcy" reason.
This reluctance we're all seeing.....it's embarrassment, not indifference or obstinacy.
It's working out how to deal with the embarrassment
I told DP that we'd start off with over-the-counter remedies, and work up the scale, as it were, until we found a suitable remedy, but that if we couldn't sort it out that way, he was going to his GP.
He bought some spray thingie, which seems to help.
Personally, I wouldn't record the snores, as they know what it sounds like, and it'll just rub the embarrassment in further.
Good luck, guys.....I remember one night when i lay awake wondering what would happen to me if i were to smother him and whether i'd get a reduced sentence!

cmotdibbler Sat 14-Jun-08 20:24:03

Pavlov - can't believe that your dh still isn't doing anything about the snoring.

My DH says that he would write a post/email to him about how CPAP has changed how he feels, and what the consultant has told him the risks are.

Snoring (in all its forms, not just OSA) can be treated. There is no need to suffer it, move out to the spare bed etc - but alas it means that the snorer does have to admit to it and go to their GP and say that they need to see someone

bodiddly Sat 14-Jun-08 20:35:28

My dp snores most of the time and I am a very light sleeper so cannot sleep at all when he gets into a deep sleep. I have to make sure I go to bed about 15-20 minutes before him and now religiously wear ear plugs every night. I wouldnt worry about not hearing your dd - you still hear things through them but it is enough to take away the general background noise and may help you get to sleep before your dh starts snoring soooo loudly. To be honest it probably wouldnt be enough to cover my dp's snoring if I didn't combine it with the early nights!

Chandon Sun 15-Jun-08 18:31:17

I have been wearing foamy earplugs for 10 years (DH snores, and in summer, due to hayfever it is B:A:D:!), which helps.

If it is very bad, I move to the spare room for a night.

I find we both sleep really well after sex, even if it´s just a quicky.

When the love and sex is on the wane, there is less goodwill in a relationship, and smaller issues like snoring become huge.

Good luck...

Barnical Sun 15-Jun-08 18:37:53

Oh we have this problem!!
We sleep separate every other night.. just so I can get some sleep! ( although he can wake me with his snoring from downstairs..
I tried ear plugs but it wasn't for me

I told DH that if he didn't go to GP I would basically leave him! He went to GP!
we are still working through different treatments!

Anyway.. I have been trying to explain how loud he is.. and I have a friend who has a decible meter and is going to lend it to me!! It will be interesting to see what DH clocks up on that.. then I can liken it to something he has heard.

What gets me is how they sleep with all that noise in their own heads!

mymittens Sun 15-Jun-08 21:46:29

This rings a few bells!! Dh and I often sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring! If we are in the same bed and he snores and i find it keeps me awake, we have an agreement that he will move to the spare room ( i don't like to spare room). After 3 years of him snoring and my complaining, he in finally trying to do more exercise to help reduce it.....

bythepowerofgreyskull Sun 15-Jun-08 21:53:59

Dh and I are both snoring badly at the moment due to various ailments. We have agreed that for the time being we will be in separate rooms.
We have lots of fun during the day now, as we are both sleeping better (snoring happily without disturbing each other)

I know it isn't a forever thing and I am happy with it. it has helped our sex life as we are now both less tired and a little more up for a bit of fun.

I would tackle the apnea thing with him.. but getting good sleep somehow.. even if it is a couple of nights on the sofa.. will help you work out what you really think.

Good luck!!!

kkkkatie Mon 16-Jun-08 20:17:14

Hey all,

Just thoght I would add to this. My DP snores all the time and we have been sleeping in sep bedrooms for about 7 months now. I have tried to grit my teeth a couple of times so that we can sleep together, but as soon as he snores I feel myself getting really angry with him in bed and can't get back to sleep so i kick him out to the spare room. Now we just seem to sleep in sep beds, worries me as DS is going to start wondering why mummy and daddy are in sep beds.

Other problem i have is that DP seems to have saucy dreams too and talks out load which wakes me up, i get soooo furious with him....

Has anyone else had this?

Anyway had any success stories of sep bedrooms, i do feel it creats a huge distance?

Good luck all get those ear plugs well and truly in! ; )

kkkkatie Mon 16-Jun-08 20:17:17

Hey all,

Just thoght I would add to this. My DP snores all the time and we have been sleeping in sep bedrooms for about 7 months now. I have tried to grit my teeth a couple of times so that we can sleep together, but as soon as he snores I feel myself getting really angry with him in bed and can't get back to sleep so i kick him out to the spare room. Now we just seem to sleep in sep beds, worries me as DS is going to start wondering why mummy and daddy are in sep beds.

Other problem i have is that DP seems to have saucy dreams too and talks out load which wakes me up, i get soooo furious with him....

Has anyone else had this?

Anyway had any success stories of sep bedrooms, i do feel it creats a huge distance?

Good luck all get those ear plugs well and truly in! ; )

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