Boyfriend doesn't comfort me

[Canadadarlingg]

Basically what the title says!
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and when things are good its great but when we have an issue and i'm angry or upset it always gets worse because i feel like he sucks at communication. If i try and talk to him about a serious issue he will kind of 'ignore' me and play on his phone or carry on with what he was doing and he completely shuts down. He's mentioned before that it just feels like im 'having a go' at him and so he just sits there and takes it, but i dont think he realises that talking about issues isnt an argument it actually prevents arguments. Also if i'm crying he just sits there! no words of comfort, no hugging, he just carries on as if im not there, Until i crack and say something along the lines of 'what the hell is wrong with you' and then eventually he will hug me and say everything is ok etc. but i just dont understand why he cant do that in the beginning.

Now i can kind of see from his perspective it may seem as if i always want to start arguments because hes naturally a very chill person so he never has any issues to bring up, whereas i like to talk things out no matter how small the problem. So it may seem as if its always me having a problem all the time. Anyway, does anyone have any words of advice? is this a 'man thing' or perhaps the way some people are raised?

I know the general advice will be 'break up with him' so pls refrain from commenting that - i want that to be a last resort hence why im looking for other options to try. Any suggestions on why he may be this way and how to overcome this problem would be great

[ScabbyHorse]

He may be avoidant and actually really scared of conflict due to things in his childhood. Doesn't make it any easier though.

[namechange1032]

whereas i like to talk things out no matter how small the problem.

You sound very intense and hard work OP. Perhaps you can reach a compromise and not talk about every single little issue, don't sweat the small stuff and just discuss the big issues. I can't tell if he's stonewalling you or if he's sick to death of you having to discuss every single thing. If so it must be draining for him and I'm not surprised he just switches off.

Are you an emotional person ie why are you always crying? Are you depressed or going through a hard time or what's going on? I cry about once every 10 years to give you some comparison. I'm not telling you that I'm right and you're wrong but I'm wondering why you're upset all the time. If the relationship is making you that unhappy then end it. Your bf isn't your private therapist.

[litterbird]

Do you have a friendship network you can take some of your problems with and get the crying and angst out with them? Your boyfriend might simply have none of the skills to deal with your issues. He may not know, due to how he was raised, how to react to crying and upset. Don't have a go at him again. You can simply say to him that you are having a bad day and it would be nice if he would just listen and not reply so I can get it out of my system. If you want a hug just ask him...he is probably terrified to go near you just in case you shout at him or have another go at him for not reading your mind as to what you want from him. Some men are absolutely pants at the emotional stuff.

[category12]

What sort of issues do you have? Are you having a go at him? Does he need having a go at? What does he do/not do to anger or upset you?

Depends what it is really, doesn't it? I mean it's all fine him being "chill" but if you're pissed off because, say, you do all the housework and he does nothing, then just shutting up about it may satisfy him but not you. But if it's something like he loads the dishwasher wrong in your opinion, then it's probably worth shutting up about.

[Spritesobright]

Ignore the poster who only cries every 10 years and thinks you're overly emotional
He does sound avoidant. You can read up about avoidant attachment styles. But unless he's willing to reflect on it he probably won't change.
My partner can be avoidant and I had to be very direct about my needs. I.e. if I'm crying you don't need to solve it or think it's your fault, just hug me.
You may need counselling to sort it out.

[TopTabby]

Does he come from a big family? My dp was a bit like this when we first met, he'd got too used to his family filling any gaps in conversation.
You sound fairly fiery, he sounds very laid back. It could work but you both need to meet in the middle.

[Newcastleteacake]

Neither of you are right and neither of you are wrong.

It sounds like you both need to consider how the other is feeling and adjust behaviour. If you both want this to work you absolutely must realise that each of you react differently to situations. Embrace these differences and you will learn a lot from each other.

[Parky04]

No one is right or wrong, you are just emotionally unmatched. This is unlikely to change.

[Canadadarlingg]

You all have some very good points. I will agree I probably am an overly emotional person, I've also been under a lot of stress since we've been together from doing a degree and losing 2 pregnancies, so it hasn't been a breezy 2 years. I think I need to have a look at myself and think about how my words come across, as to me I like to talk about things and don't see that as starting an argument but to him he clearly feels that it's just me telling him off. It never occurred to me that people may not naturally know what to do when others are upset, so to me it comes off as "I don't care" instead of "I don't know what to do"

[summersolstice43]

I had this with my ex. I got assaulted at work and went to his to explain and basically needed a bit of support as I was so shook up. He ignored me saying he couldn't deal with the tears and turned the TV up. I left and never went back.

[namechange1032]

@Canadadarlingg

You all have some very good points. I will agree I probably am an overly emotional person, I've also been under a lot of stress since we've been together from doing a degree and losing 2 pregnancies, so it hasn't been a breezy 2 years. I think I need to have a look at myself and think about how my words come across, as to me I like to talk about things and don't see that as starting an argument but to him he clearly feels that it's just me telling him off. It never occurred to me that people may not naturally know what to do when others are upset, so to me it comes off as "I don't care" instead of "I don't know what to do"

It sounds like it's been a tough few years for you and I'm sorry about your pregnancy loss. It's hardly surprising that you've been emotional given what you've been through.

I think a problem we have and we all do it, is expecting our significant others to be supportive and listen to us because that's what people do who care about us. Right? The problem is, we need to take account of the effect this has on them, it can be draining and maybe they have stuff going on too, that they feel they can't talk about because you're going through so much.

I would work on other ways of dealing with things, find some strategies such as jogging, yoga even counselling if you still have things to work through. Have you been to the Dr as it could be depression if it's been going on for a while. Depression is easy not to notice if it's relatively mild. There's a quiz you can do online to see: www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/depression-anxiety-self-assessment-quiz/

I find that when someone is upset, I'll comfort them but if they are always upset, then I might be less sympathetic. That's my view on what's going on here but it might be an idea to ask him.

[Lorw]

My husbands like this, very unemotional, very matter of fact and thinks crying doesn’t solve anything where as I’m someone who is over emotional. Sometimes it’s sucks but most the time he balances me out and pulls me back to reality when I get a bit neurotic 😂 maybe don’t see it as such a bad thing and don’t sweat the small stuff.

My husbands ex used to call him emotionally retarded all the time and I think that hasn’t helped.

[Canadadarlingg]

@summersolstice43 I'm so sorry that happened to you, I'm glad you left as that's a very heartless act and no one deserves that. I hope you're doing much better now

@namechange1032 I used to suffer with depression and I do tend to slip back into my old ways when I face hardship so it would be good for me to start gaining some healthy coping mechanisms for myself as well. You are correct in that I shouldn't constantly lean on him

@Lorw Our partners sound the same, my bf prefers to keep his emotions to himself and never ever cries so if he never lets his emotions out he probably doesn't understand what to do when I let mine out ...

[litterbird]

"It never occurred to me that people may not naturally know what to do when others are upset, so to me it comes off as "I don't care" instead of "I don't know what to do""

This is exactly it....if you can reframe the situation like this you will then look at your partner in a different light....he is a man caught in the headlights....his reaction is to freeze, unable to help. You may need to help him in his reactions to you and be specific about what you need from him. He will then learn how to react to you, gain confidence and with time be able to support you better.

[Siepie]

to me I like to talk about things and don't see that as starting an argument but to him he clearly feels that it's just me telling him off

What kind of 'small problems' are you bringing up and how often are you telling him off?

I used to live with a housemate who wanted to talk through every small problem, e.g. when I forgot to put my razor back in the cabinet she talked to me "so sharing the bathroom doesn't turn into an argument in the future." She thought she was preventing future conflict. I felt that she was creating conflict. I just shrugged off similar things when it was the other way round.

If it's things like that, I can understand why your boyfriend feels like you're starting arguments and telling him off. Maybe think about which things really need discussing, and if there are some things you could just shrug off instead.

If they're bigger issues that you really need emotional support for, then do ignore this post.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

You sound like you're two extremes on the scale of being emotionally open. Neither is right or wrong, just incompatible. I think it can be a dealbreaker as in really tough times a mismatched support / affection / empathy style can be hugely damaging.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Have you been together for a very long time? I'm so sorry about your pregnancy loss, that must be such a tough thing to have dealt with. I'm assuming you've been together quite a while - have you ever had a chat specifically about this issue? I think sometimes people only talk about their style of showing emotions / empathy in the middle of an already upsetting and emotional chat. Maybe it's worth discussing it when things are calm so you can both be reasonable and not act on impulse at an already emotional time?

[Canadadarlingg]

@litterbird you're exactly right. He does just freeze & he's mentioned before actually that he's worried he'll make things worse so he just leaves me alone, because when he's sad he likes to be left alone. It's clearly a difference in how we've been raised to deal with emotions & our natural reactions, which makes me feel better because it means he doesn't just not care. Thank you

@Siepie lol that can be me sometimes I will admit... I have tried to become less like that though and just "let things go" however it's a learning curve for me too because we really do feel like we're helping prevent arguments instead of create them!

@youvegottenminuteslynn I would say we're complete opposites in general to be honest, and I'm aware of the fact that it could be a dealbreaker however id like to work through things instead of just saying "bye it's not gonna work". I'm hoping we can meet in the middle somehow

[Canadadarlingg]

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Have you been together for a very long time? I'm so sorry about your pregnancy loss, that must be such a tough thing to have dealt with. I'm assuming you've been together quite a while - have you ever had a chat specifically about this issue? I think sometimes people only talk about their style of showing emotions / empathy in the middle of an already upsetting and emotional chat. Maybe it's worth discussing it when things are calm so you can both be reasonable and not act on impulse at an already emotional time?

we've been together 2 years, and it is a very tough situation which I feel like can either make or break a relationship. We have only spoken about it in the moment as it doesn't cross my mind when we're doing good. So perhaps I should sit and have a talk with him when I'm NOT upset so I can actually understand his side and he can understand mine without being irrational/ emotional

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Just saw you've only been together for two years. It sounds like you have fall outs quite often? Maybe it's worth reconsidering TTC if you're still trying, until the relationship is in a stronger place and you've worked through how you communicate. This will all be harder when you are more tired, there are more financial pressures etc as parents. Again I'm sorry for your previous losses

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Sorry cross posted there!

[BackforGood]

Obviously we don't know you, so can only go off what you have said in your posts. Naturally, we all tend to describe something from our own perspective, and yet, even with that, I still think you come across (in your OP) like you are creating conflict where there doesn't need to be any.
I don't see an issue with him carrying on fiddling with his phone or whatever. It helps a lot of people to listen if they have something to do with their hands. That's not odd or unusual at all.

He's also explained that what you think is "preventing conflict" comes across at "having a go" or nagging him, and - again, even from your writing - that is what it sounds like to me. So it doesn't 'prevent arguments' in your relationship, it starts them.

I don't have much time for people who start to cry to get their own way either, I'm afraid. summersolstice43 's situation is entirely different.

[PurBal]

DH and I are completely different emotionally. I'm a crier and an external processor (I like to talk things through), he becomes quiet and distant and internalises everything. He wants solutions, I want comfort. DH really struggles with my crying and equally I struggle not to hug him when he's clearly down (physical touch doesn't make him feel better, whereas it's great for me). Now we know this about each other we can adapt. If I'm upset / angry he knows that a hug might help. If he's upset / angry I know that he's looking for solutions. We communicate much better.

The other thing I would mentioned is that for me personally my emotions are really connected to my hormones. Something that at one point in the month I'd cope with fine I would completely break down over at a different point in the month. I eventually received a diagnosis for PMDD (extreme PMS to the point of being suicidal). I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but it was a real eye opener for me knowing it was a trigger.

[katy1213]

I'd find this tiresome, too and I'd either snap or switch off. Maybe you're just not well-suited. It sounds like you're blowing up every little thing into an 'issue' and tears.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

You sound like you are quite young OP, is this your first serious relationship? I ask as it's not normal in a healthy relationship to so regularly argue / have conflict the way you seem to. Everyone has off days and niggles but it sounds like you have them often and they escalate into you being very upset. That's not what happens in healthy relationships.