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Husband depressed and said he doesn’t love me

(38 Posts)
Kell148 Sat 21-Nov-20 09:30:51

Hi my husband broke down a fortnight ago saying he was feeling really sad / low didn’t know why and thinking it might be deperession . He had a commitment that night in town and said he was going to talk about it with a mate . He return was quite and not like his usual self , by the weekend he brokedown again saying he didn’t think he loved me anymore , we have been married for 20 years and have two kids . I broke down , I am hurt and struggling to understand . He said he had been feel like this for a little while but made no indication to me or others , even in the bedroom nothing had changed we were still making love a week before he told me . I feel used , if he had these feelings why was he still doing that with me and being the one to start it most of the time ?? Once he had told me he didn’t love me he move to another room to sleep as I am hurt and he would make comments that would question how he is feeling like “ ok I am off to bed but I know where I would rather be “ . He moved out yesterday to his mums who is not far away as he said he can’t do this it feel too awkward . I am shatteRed: I am scared what ever this mate said he took on board as his issues if that makes sense as he said his mate has been in a similar circumstance. , he did say he was upset with me for not realising , but his behaviour has been so Normal to even pick up on thisI just feel like he has put a wall straight up , he is not willing to work on anything together to him he just doesn't love me anymore , it's like a light switch was flicked and that is his answer . He has always been such a loving devote husband I am just lost .

OP’s posts: |
Taikoo Sat 21-Nov-20 09:33:03

Is there an ow?

I would leave him go and I would never take him back.

CodenameVillanelle Sat 21-Nov-20 09:34:27

I'm sorry but there is a good chance he cheated on that night out

Greenkit Sat 21-Nov-20 09:36:04

He was feeling "down" read head turned

He was going to discuss "with a mate" read "OW"

Now he doesn't "love you anymore" read "She is interested and he wants a bit"

TwentyViginti Sat 21-Nov-20 09:38:36

It does sound like he's had his head turned. Putting the blame of the breakdown of your relationship all on you is classic.

isthismylifenow Sat 21-Nov-20 09:45:16

OP. Before I even read the replies my first thought was that the mate isn't a male mate.

isthismylifenow Sat 21-Nov-20 09:47:27

He's upset with you for not realizing??

Have a think back to his recent behaviour. Has it really been as normal as you say?

Dontletitbeyou Sat 21-Nov-20 13:20:14

When he went out to meet up with his mate , and was quiet when he returned , I’d strongly suspect the mate was female .
He makes comments like ok I’m off to bed but I’d know where I’d rather be . Well if that’s not laying it out on the table for you , I don’t know what is .
Let him go , and don’t let him come back in a couple of weeks when he realises the grass isn’t always greener .

wizzywig Sat 21-Nov-20 13:23:22

Op, I agree with other posters, I believe he has strayed. Having an affair as a symptom of depression is a horrible thing to do. It then makes you look heartless if you make a stand

Lozzerbmc Sat 21-Nov-20 13:32:40

The comment “where he’d rather be” says it all I think. They say men leave for other women and women leave for themselves. Sorry to say it , its horrible but he has met someone. He’s angry which is the guilt he wants to think its your fault. It is not. Let him go with contact only re kids (its hard i know) and get friends and family support you. Focus on yourself and kids and not what hes thinking/doing. Try and eat and be kind to yourself. You will get through it

madcatladyforever Sat 21-Nov-20 14:46:44

My husband did this too and lied about people he was seeing, he was seeing OW and I had no idea.
Behaved exactly the same way. There is no "mate", he has opted out of family life. I'm so sorry.
My marriage was 20 years too, thankfully no children with him although I have one from before him, an adult now.

MaidenMotherCrone Sat 21-Nov-20 15:02:15

My exH also said the exact same thing. He was also cruel and brutal in the way he dealt with the situation regarding me and our children. Yes there was another woman.

MaidenMotherCrone Sat 21-Nov-20 15:03:37

Funny how my marriage was 20+ years too.

I'm not bitter btw.

Skyla2005 Sat 21-Nov-20 15:18:47

I’m sorry op but this is classic case of got another woman. Don’t let him piss you around tell him you know and you don’t want him back. Give him a big reality check.

Elfontheshelfjudgesyou Sat 21-Nov-20 15:22:48

If this was a few years ago I'd think you were someone I knew. The same happened to her down to the night out, I said I think there's someone else everyone told me he'd never do that and I was wrong. Turns out he'd been seeing someone else and the night out was with the other woman making plans. Sorry but I think there's someone else. As everyone else has said don't let him mess you around, don't do the pick me dance and please be prepared for more to come out and/or him to turn nasty and rewrite history.

Onthedunes Sat 21-Nov-20 19:31:12

Oh op, how horrible for you.

Read up on the cheater's script.

Get your ducks in a row.

Take extra special care of yourself.
He doesn't deserve you.

Hand hold

HollowTalk Sat 21-Nov-20 19:33:48

I wouldn't believe a word he said, quite honestly. Something else is going on. I'd be very surprised if he's spending all his time at his mum's.

How are your children coping?

Kell148 Sat 21-Nov-20 21:32:43

I understand where you all coming from however I truely believe that there isn’t an ow , his mum and dad have grilled him as they are in the same disbelief and they too are confident that no one else involved . The night away there are photos of as it was a supplier work event with only a handful of people . He has never ever given me reason to doubt him in this area . He has been to the dr and hasn’t the referral to a psychologist on the 10/12 to help understand why he feels the way he does . It has come out there was one point he was so low he almost run himself off of the road . I guess all I really want to know is if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation with depression and been able to come out the other side with their relationship still going ?

OP’s posts: |
litterbird Sat 21-Nov-20 21:54:01

Quite often the depression comes from him living an unauthentic life for a while. Now, that could mean that another woman has come into view and his grappling with the deep guilt, covering all tracks and lying constantly can move him into depression. Equally a change of feelings from him over time has caused him to feel very down. His feelings have gone for you and he may have been grappling against this for a while and has caused this low mood and his way of exploring this is to leave. The OW could be someone deep in the background and he would never ever tell his parents about this or anyone else. She may be there, not even the OW yet but there. I have seen this in a friends husband. He quoted depression, left for his parents and dealt with his feelings. He didn't return as he had worked on himself to come through depression and felt his life was away from the family unit. There was no OW and years later, there still isn't. Its rare though that a man leaves to deal with himself. It is your job now to stop questioning and start rebuilding your life....however hard that will be.

LifeLessons102 Sat 21-Nov-20 22:13:42

OP, I haven’t read through all of the comments following your first post but this is TEXT BOOK. I know it hurts like hell right now, but there will be an OW. This happened to me. We were together 10 years, 2 DC and he said he didn’t love me anymore, couldn’t tell me why, swore there was now OW and was leaving our home (despite us owning it) to go back to his mums. There was another OW as I ended up looking through his phone bill. Bad of me, but I just KNEW. This is textbook behaviour. I’m so sorry OP. I would try call him out on it.

FYI - I stayed with my DH. We have worked through it, but I still have my bad days over it. I feel I’ll never be over it, but we do love each other and now make each other happy.

Advice - your in for a long ride get all the support you can and a good solicitor. Do as much digging as you can to prove to yourself this is not in your head.

LifeLessons102 Sat 21-Nov-20 22:18:37

Can I also say my DH’s parents were “convinced” there was no OW. His siblings however were not so convinced. DH sister was grilling him telling him to come clean as she had been in a similar situation with her partner, and how he was behaving was text book. She told him the grass was not greener. Did he listen? No. When it came out there was an OW his parents couldn’t believe it. I on the other hand could believe it and was angry at them for being so naive (then again what parent would want to think bad of their son).

LifeLessons102 Sat 21-Nov-20 22:20:24

Sorry to keep posting, but my DH also quoted depression before I found out. He went to the doctors and came out saying “I’m not depressed, it’s us that’s making me unhappy and I just don’t know what I want”.

RedTitsMcGinty Sat 21-Nov-20 22:29:07

Yep. Classic. ExDH pulled this shit on me. Kept it going for a couple of months before I found out about the OW (who had been there at the start of his “depression”). It wasn’t depression, it was him feeling guilty about cheating and angry that he wasn’t able to do what he wanted, and then channeling that guilt and anger into blaming his marriage.

EKGEMS Sat 21-Nov-20 22:31:49

Visit you'll read about your life following the script

Onthedunes Sat 21-Nov-20 22:44:08

I hate this particular excuse , men have no idea.


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