Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Someone tell me I'm doing the right thing(30 Posts)
I'll try and keep this as short as I can. I've done previous posts but NC and will put it all in 1.
So I met a guy 4 years ago.. Amazing..ivw done more with him than I have in my last 20 years of dating. After around a year we had the moving in together chat. He was happy and excited and the plan was for him to move my way. We have a 45 min commute as we are.
After a while he decided he wasn't willing to move my way.. The convo fell flat, I was gutted.
Fast forwarding and I broach and say the only alternative was me to move his way. Something I'm not adverse to but requires a lot more work than it would him in a way.
And on its gone. Nothing from him in terms of moving things on. When I broach it turns into him bring up reasons and what I feel are excuses. I get upset, we fall out. The majority of our relationship is great aside from this.
So queue this weekend and it all kicks off again. He says hes really happy for me to move his way.. That he can think of nothing better.. But then comes the 'we can't afford to buy a house' 'what about your job' 'what about x, y & z' of course he's being sensible but? I'm a big girl, I know how a house move works and am willing to put the work in.. I don't feel he is (as much as he says he is)
SO..I call his bluff and tell him we need to start looking at property's (incidentally he's said it has to be in a literal area) and lo and behold of course we can't afford a house. There was going to be help from his family (as far as I'm aware still OK) but realistically it's not going to work.
I feel so sad that I have to walk away from a person I love and thought I'd grow old with because of no compromise.. And I know that's what you'll all tell me.. Its all me doing the work😔
Obviously there's more to it but I'm exhausted by it all.
Walk away or you'll face a life of 'his way or no way'.
He's doing it purposefully because he doesn't really want to live with you but won't say it out loud.
Whatever your situation anc circumstances are they obviously suit him.
What @IndieTara said.
My sister had this with one of her BFs. 4 years into the relationship, they were still dating like teenagers (seeing each other one night a week and at weekends) - it just wasn't going anywhere and she suddenly understood that it never would. She ended it and walked away, wishing only that she had cut her losses far sooner. But she met her fabulous husband a few years later so it all worked out fine.
It clearly suits your BF to keep things this way because he enjoys having a GF available for sex and companionship but isn't interested in making a serious commitment to you. Whatever the feelings in the earlier part of your relationship, it sounds like you have become his "good enough for now" partner and he wants to have the option to walk away easily. There are couples who live very happily in separate households because it suits them but that doesn't apply to you. So you need to decide whether you're willing to shelve your plan of a shared household (because he clearly doesn't want to do it) or cut him loose and look for someone else or cut him loose and just spend the time being splendidly single.
Sorry, OP - didn't read to the end of your message (v wrong of him) - yes, your needs are no longer compatible and you are doing the right thing in walking away.
Very wrong of me!!! (Not him). Doh - get with the programme, Dery...
This is my previous thread, OP, a similar situation.
We're together 4 years now. Still at the dating stage. No talk of future. I actually think he doesn't like spending much time in mine.
Ugh petal I’m sorry you’re still with him, as his back up plan for when he’s not got anything else on or it suits.
Thanks for the replies.
Half of me can't bear the thought of not having him in my life, the other half knows I'm not going to be happy.
I've started going quiet in the week, he does message but sometimes not a lot, therefore I'm a weekend hookup, something we both agreed wasn't what we wanted. I now feel due to broaching so many times it's taken all that excitement away and that's heartbreaking.
Petal I've just read your thread. Sounds v much like mine. Mine comes to me every weekend now, I have a cat and can't leave him.. He's had a dig about this a couple of times now and says that his commute is enough when I've questioned food etc.. Basically I'm seeing how tight he is with money. Yet he did get multiple lodgers and I went to his and it should be a give and take surely.
I'm wound up writing this but can't bring myself to tell him I've had enough.. Even though he knows I'm getting to that point.
Petal I'm seriously thinking of saying 'if and when you feel you're ready to move forward with me thenet me know, until then I feel its best we stay at our own places as its getting me down' gives him the chance to pull his finger out. Have you done this? Has there been any progression on talks re move? I feel your pain
I suppose mine is slightly different in that we're together 4 years and he up and moved after 2 to be closer to these others. Even if there was talk of living together, which there's not, I'll never live there.
My issue now is that our relationship to me has become part- time and casual, we're spending less time together. I'm planning to say this to him this week. Other priorities get more attention.
Fast-forward to yourself one year from now. Ask: where are you living? What are you wearing? What are you doing? Do you see your guy in any of those scenarios? (If not, this will also help you imagine your future life without him). Good luck
Petal I think that's how I feel, we do less now in a way, yet the things we do are fun and make me happy and then it's back to Mon-Fri on my own.
I hope your talk goes ok. Would there be an option of him moving in with you and renting his house out?
Brightspice I do see us together, I do see him being my future and he says the same.. However its only when I broach and feel he's just answering me to shut me up.
This happened with my last long term partner, I gave up and left.. He's harrased me for 4 years saying he made a huge mistake..its obvioulsy me😔
@GRIC14 as you know I am in a sort of similar situation. I cannot understand why these men think it's ok to keep us at arm's length whilst knowing we want more.
Would you be able to have a very honest conversation with him? Something along the lines of 'this isn't working for me anymore, please can we talk about how to move the relationship forward. You say you see a future with me but your actions don't reflect that'. If he has issues/worries/fears about moving in together, perhaps he will be able to open up about them and that could give you a chance to work through them together. If, of course, he is unable to engage in open and honest dialogue, it will be time for you to walk way - as hard as that will be. You (and I) deserve someone who shares our desires to build a future together.
If he wanted to commit to you, he would. I'm sorry but I do think it is as simple as that; people who are committed find ways to make it work regardless of external factors, he is actively choosing to keep you distanced and you deserve more than that
Realist we did talk, I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel
Ijustwant I know😔
OP, after 4 years you still haven't managed to find a compromise on the future you want. It doesn't matter how lovely he seems, or that he's the best one in the last 20 years etc. If he isn't excited about being closer to you and being proactive in forcing the issue, why on earth are you still with him? He's happy with the arrangement so he stays with you. You aren't so you need to accept you aren't compatible on your most fundamental need in a relationship.
The fact you still feel you're on a hamster wheel is because you are choosing to stay on it. If he wanted to commit/progress the relationship he would have. You know this. That's why you're upset. So stop wasting good years of your life on men who aren't giving you what you need, and who don't care that you're unhappy. And in the future, give yourself a much shorter time frame, like 6 months, to figure out if they want the same things you do. And if they don't, leave.
Maybe also consider why you are attracted to these somewhat emotionally unavailable/commitment phobe men, and why you picture a future with them when they haven't DONE anything to prove it. You should expect a lot more from men than empty promises and platitudes.
Walk away from him before this grinds down your self worth anymore.
Jurrasic thanks for your reply.
I do see what you're saying and agree with you.
However being 6 months into it, it was what we both wanted and he instigated the move convo.
Time goes by and round we go.. More time goes by with him still drip feeding bits in and here we are. Him still saying it's what he wants.. Thats hard to walk away from. I do know I have to and I do know I have to see that I'm wasting my time.
As for previous relationships Ive never had this problem, it's just progressed. I think because we are longish distance I let more go but yes he's just happy with how it is and I'm not.. Awful after so long as I now don't believer anything anyone says 😔
I went through something similar OP - I did give in and move his way, but as a poster upthread pointed out, it was the slippery slope towards always being the one to compromise. We are no longer together but I realised now looking back how much resentment can build even if you are not aware of it.
You are always the partner on the back foot. Don't do it. I wish I hadn't.
Username yes that's how I feel
Hex yes the resentment is slowly creeping in already and we haven't even got that far. I feel so hurt and sad
I think, for your own peace of mind, you have to take control of this situation. Tell him how you feel, and tell him that as the relationship isn't going anywhere, it's time to get off the hamster wheel and find someone else to share your life with.
Why do you want to live with someone who's tight? You know that he'll make your life a misery.
I know you're all right. I feel so awful about it all. Still waiting to see if he's coming over and have 2 answers either way
Why do you want to live with someone who's tight? You know that he'll make your life a misery.
So he gets fully catered weekends with you? With sex thrown in?
Four years of this?
This type of man will drop you immediately a better offer comes along. They usually marry the new woman pretty quickly too.
Please login first.