Husband left for OW - how do you accept what a dickhead he really is?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Recently my husband left without warning, leaving me devastated and to care for our very young children.

It has now materialised that he has had an affair and actually the reason he left is because he's met another woman, they're meant to be in love etc. Yes obvious in hindsight I suppose.

But this is completely floored me all over again and I now I feel like I am starting all over again with my grief.

I'm already doing all the practical stuff (lawyers, ducks in row etc).

But my question is to those of you unfortunate enough to go through this yourself, how do I get my head around how much of a dickhead my husband actually is? He certainly wasn't perfect and we'd had issues but I never thought he could be this awful. Not just to have the affair but to actually chose her and leave me and his tiny ones (who he is meant to love so much).

How do I reconcile who I thought he was and who he actually is?

I know eventually I will get through this and feel relief I'm no longer with such a dickhead but right now I'm reeling.

Sadly I know a lot of you have been through similar as it is such a frequent subject on Mumsnet, so it would be useful to know how you eventually accepted who your (ex) husband really is.

[DBML]

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

Over time people change. And your husband became a selfish, entitled, lying person. He’s not the same guy you married sadly.

So what you’ve lost is not worth having...and neither is what she’s gained.

Know that life is full of ups and downs and there are many more good times ahead.

[HugeAckmansWife]

By understanding that the man you married was basically run over by a bus (or jumped in front of it)and no longer exists. he is now a stranger wearing his face. Its not that you "missed the red flags" or should have made a better choice, they genuinely DO change. Mine did, classic , if somewhat early MLC, 2 young children, all got a bit hard and he had his ego stroked by a damsel in distress. I've always been quite capable and self sufficient and I think she made him feel all manly. It really is hard and you will have days where you thought you were fine and it all comes crashing down on your head again but it does get easier. I genuinely struggle to remember the good times we had together, or if I do, its like looking at a film, not actual memories. I have absolutely no idea who he is now, he's selfish, weak, whiny little man who refuses to put his kids first and blames me for everything that isn't perfect in his life.
It takes time but you just have to keep remembering that it ISN'T him and he won;t be coming back and most important, he is no longer on your side.

[chatterbugmegastar]

I think I'd try to feel gratitude that you found out. Imagine never knowing or knowing when you're really elderly. At least now, once the dust has settled - you KNOW who he is and you're free

[Noconceptofnormal]

Thank you all.

dbml that helps, it's they've changed, not you were a fool for missing it.

huge your ex and your situation sounds similar to kine in many ways, the whiny, selfish, weak, blaming me stuff completely resonates.

chatter, yes eventually I hope it will feel like a lucky escape, but right now it's difficult to see that as I still haven't really accepted his true colours.

[Noconceptofnormal]

By the way, aware of the duplicate post, trying to get them combined.

[Anordinarymum]

I am sure this will be an emotional time for you. Try to keep your dignity and don't resort to begging or threatening. Rise above it and do not let either of them know what you are thinking. You are better than this.

When it comes down to discussing finances, seek the advice of a solicitor and know what you are saying.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi OP, we're unable to combine threads so we're going to close this one (as it's the shorter of the two) and will leave this one up and running. Hope that's okay.