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Husband has left for OW - how do I get used to how much of a dickhead he really is?

(23 Posts)
Noconceptofnormal Sun 13-Sep-20 19:40:15

Recently my husband left without warning, leaving me devastated and to care for our very young children.

It has now materialised that he has had an affair and actually the reason he left is because he's met another woman, they're meant to be in love etc.

This is obviously completely floored me all over again and I now I feel like I am starting all over again with my grief.

I'm already doing all the practical stuff (lawyers, ducks in row etc).

But my question is to those of you unfortunate enough to go through this yourself, how do I get my head around how much of a dickhead my husband actually is? He certainly wasn't perfect and we'd had issues but I never thought he could be this awful. Not just to have the affair but to actually chose her and leave me and his tiny ones (who he is meant to live so much).

How do I reconcile who I thought he was and who he actually is?

I know eventually I will get through this and feel relief I'm no longer with such a dickhead but right now I'm reeling.

Sadly I know a lot of you have been through similar as it is such a frequent subject on Mumsnet, so it would be useful to know how you eventually accepted who your (ex) husband really is.

OP’s posts: |
Passtherioja Sun 13-Sep-20 19:48:37

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you-you will get through it and you and the children will be better for being brought up by one devoted parent. Stay strong!

On the dickhead front...I knew my husband was a prize dickhead however even he managed to become even more of a dickhead once we fact he excelled himself on many occasions. Brace yourself...the "being a dickhead"ness has only just begun. Just practice saying "Fuck off you wanker" in your head whilst remaining calm in front of the kids.

Worakls Sun 13-Sep-20 20:05:28

Not much advice here really except that time and talking helps massively. I'm nearly a year post discovery of his 3rd affair and it's been through talking to people that I have truly realised what a complete and utter dick he was, not just in terms of the cheating. I was holding the fort for so long and now he doesn't have me there it's clear to me how utterly selfish he is. He genuinely only thinks of himself and his solution to everything is to throw money at it. Makes me so angry. But I've accepted it. Haven't quite accepted the fact so was stupid enough to marry him and have kids with such a twat though .. in counselling for that!

Dollyrocket Sun 13-Sep-20 20:24:10

Definitely spending time with good friends and some counselling if you can afford it. flowers

Fishfingersandwichplease Sun 13-Sep-20 20:28:41

My best friend is going through exactly this. Her twat of a husband left her last month - she thought she was happily married til he dropped the bombshell so she hates him but loves him still, although l think the hatred is the stronger emotion. Give yourself lots of time to come to terms with it but in her case l think it will be the best thing that ever happened to her, he always was a selfish prick, she was just too close to see it.

redastherose Sun 13-Sep-20 20:28:49

Counselling really helps if you can access it. Both my friend and I saw completely different types of counsellor but both did a session which was to sever the emotional ties to the dickheads we'd been married to! Really worked. Even now when he does or says something twatish about the kids I can feel the annoyance initially and then it just sort of washes away.

Crylittlesister Sun 13-Sep-20 20:43:47

My xh continues to plumb new depths and it's been a decade! The difference is that I am not hurt anymore, so I can treat him with the indifference he deserves. It does get easier, but it may well get harder first as pps said, but it does get easier flowers

BubblyBarbara Sun 13-Sep-20 20:48:51

If it helps you cope just remember he is being ruled by his willy and not his heart or head. Most men learn to put the willy in third place but your ex has given it a promotion!

Taetoes Sun 13-Sep-20 22:46:48

Hi OP, just to say I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's such a cruel thing to happen to a person who has mothered a mans children, it's harder as there is no chance of cutting free from the twat to heal easier flowers

I'm 10 months ahead of you and it's still hard. Once the flurry is over of keeping busy sorting out finances, rearranging the home/childcare/career and getting the kids through the initial shock of what's happened, you're left with yourself to work on, and that's the really hard bit. So I'm here to say be kind to yourself.

I found it really hard to transition overnight from still caring for my ex to absolute rage at what he'd done... and that's how the last few months have been, a rollercoaster of up and down emotions. I have to see him at least 3 times a week for children drop offs, he's always the same gentle personality, chatty etc it's easy to fall into what we were like when we were together, but when I get home I then feel such anger and guilt with myself that someone's treated me with such contempt yet I can stand chatting to that person like nothings happened because it still feels natural. He's behaved appallingly and left me in bits emotionally, yet some days I still find myself thinking fondly of him or missing him. There's no sense in it confused

When I catch myself fondly remembering a time together, these words help me to keep myself from forgetting what a dick he was to me. 3 weeks before it all came out, he asked me to turn up the hems on some trousers I bought him for his new job, I spent ages on my hands and knees pinning the bloody things while he wore them, then after a long15 hour shift at work, sat hand stitching them for hours getting them perfect for him. He LET me do that knowing he was meeting and "in love" with another woman for a whole year behind my back. So those trousers (that he still wears) are a reminder to me of what a callous, manipulative, shameless, using cunt he actually is.

One day I know I won't need "work trousers". The days I feel indifferent towards him are already beginning to overtake the days I miss him. It just takes time OP, you'll get there flowers

Noconceptofnormal Sun 13-Sep-20 22:55:12

Thank you, thank you all very much. You talk so much sense.

Oh my, taetoes - "work trousers" - that is brilliant. I have a very very similar thing that happened to me the day he was planning to leave where he let me spend hours doing something that was completely dreadful (similar sort of thing, don't want to say as I'm concerned about outing myself). But yes, that is a very good tactic, I will be sure to use that.

OP’s posts: |
Noconceptofnormal Sun 13-Sep-20 22:57:03

Thank you, I am doing counselling, and it is helping. But I still feel like I can't get my head around it. Maybe it's too raw still.

OP’s posts: |
Taetoes Sun 13-Sep-20 23:03:41

I'm only sorry I didn't know or I'd have sewn prawns inside the hems. Hope your word is a more interesting one grin x

doopdeepduup Sun 13-Sep-20 23:05:58

Sorry you are going through this

Noconceptofnormal Sun 13-Sep-20 23:06:28

taetoes yes absolutely... Or cyanide maybe.

It really isn't! Think along the lines of "shit stains" and it's getting close.

OP’s posts: |
Taetoes Sun 13-Sep-20 23:11:02

Oh my, that's conjuring up some terrible images. Very apt words for this situation though haha

Legallyblondeee Mon 14-Sep-20 06:45:27

My ex moved me and my DD into a much larger house than we could afford on our own the same day he left me for OW. He couldn’t even manage to help me move any boxes before he “couldn’t do it anymore” and left to be with OW, and even then I didn’t realise how much of a dick head he really was! Now however. I have the last laugh. He’s still with OW. They both have no job, no life prospects. Skint as fuck. And he still trawls the Internet looking for his latest shag. My lightbulb moment was when he messaged my best friend trying to hook up and she obviously promptly told him she’d rather sit on a bag of aids infested needles. 😁

WiserOlder Mon 14-Sep-20 13:44:17

@Taetoes wow, yes, that takes SOME FUCKING NERVE, given that there are tailers out there.

WiserOlder Mon 14-Sep-20 13:46:36

''Saucepan in Robert Dyas'' is my Workplace trousers.

He was SO controlling. I was his slave but not allowed to make a single decision. I had to do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare and then one day in Robert Dyas, he wouldn't let me choose a saucepan. He went back to put my choice back and re-chose. That was nowhere near the worst of what he put me through but it was my wake up and get out of this hell moment!

Princesspolly Mon 14-Sep-20 13:49:59

I’m in the same position, I found out about my husbands affair 3 weeks ago, he begged me to stay and we went away for a couple of days, I felt like we had turned a corner and that actually we could work through all this. He said he wanted to renew his vows to me and have another baby.... a week later he tells me he does t love me and he’s moving in with the other woman! He’s now being absolutely vile to me and I literally have no idea who this incredibly angry person is who spouts such poison at me is!

Taetoes Mon 14-Sep-20 14:13:58

@WiserOlder I do hope you have now treated yourself to a lovely new set of saucepans, did he even use the ones he so lovingly picked I wonder. I'm so glad to hear you had the strength to break free of the shackles, I know it's hard putting yourself back together but you should be proud of yourself flowers

@Princesspolly they treat you with such contempt because it lessens the guilt they feel for what they did/are doing. They build up in their head that you're an arsehole who actually DESERVED to be cheated on.

But, Everytime they see you, they remember what they did, everytime they look at our childrens faces, or look in the mirror at themselves.. they KNOW what they did. Imagine living the rest of your life with the knowledge you could do that to a person, let alone someone you loved and had children with.
You'll get there, keep going- one day at a time flowers

NewName2106 Mon 14-Sep-20 14:39:34

Counselling helped me enormously..... I was in bits! But once you accept the situation it becomes easier to deal with their behaviour and move on.

And you’ll have days when you feel you have regressed .... but keep going ... you’ll be amazed at how strong you are. You will get there in the end and you’ve always got your online support here watching your back. Just shout when you need some umph or sense check.

Inaseagull Mon 14-Sep-20 15:33:43

Change his name on your phone to 'shit stains'.

Passtherioja Mon 14-Sep-20 21:44:26

If all else fails, listen to this song on a loop always make me feel better!!

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