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What the hell is going on

(37 Posts)
Gjk917463 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:39:41

NC for this post as could be quite outing but really need some advice.

I’m in a relationship with a great, kind, sexy guy. Been together for a year but for many reasons, on both sides, we have chosen to keep it entirely to ourselves (I am happy with this and suits me fine). We are both divorced and have been for many years.

Issue is his ex has now split from her long term partner. Its been a difficult breakup for her and and he is helping her through it. Problem is Ex is now spending more time with partner than I am and staying over in his house (spare room) on multiple occasions. This would be fine except his level of contact with me has reduced dramatically and now we go for days with no contact and when he does contact it’s to arrange to meet mostly for sex every other week or so.
I don’t want to appear controlling or horrible that he shouldn’t be supportive to his ex but I can’t help feeling that he is gravitating back to her. Or maybe I’m just being entirely used for sex whilst she is now fulfilling his needs for companionship. Should I just walk away or do I try to sort it out? I don’t want a relationship that is sex every other week and nothing else.

OP’s posts: |
Somethingkindaoooo Sun 06-Sep-20 10:47:13

Jesus...

Hmmm

Maybe one of the reasons your relationship was kept quiet was so he could appear single?
And perhaps keep his on the back burner.

Does the 'ex' know about you?
Have you met this incredibly special friend who needs all this intensive support?

Somethingkindaoooo Sun 06-Sep-20 10:47:43

* keep his EX on the back burner

Somethingkindaoooo Sun 06-Sep-20 10:48:41

And if you are only for sex every other week, you are not in a relationship. You are a booty call

takeanotherchillpill Sun 06-Sep-20 10:50:30

Sounds like you've been downgraded to his FB... is that what you want? If yes, fine. If no, end things.

cantgetmyheadroundit Sun 06-Sep-20 10:52:08

I would not be happy with this at all. you need some honesty from him.

Suzi888 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:54:38

Your in a relationship with someone and it’s a secret after a year. How odd. confused
Is that so he can get back with his ex? Why has she moved back in with him? Who finished with who and why?
It sounds like they’re working on getting back together, but they don’t want to rush things.

RainingAllTheTime65 Sun 06-Sep-20 10:55:38

You aren't being controlling by being concerned about this at all. He is seriously violating the boundaries of your relationship by allowing this to continue as it has. I'm sorry, but I would end the relationship over this. You see him once every 14 days for sex, while she stays overnight far more than this? It's not acceptable. You are not his primary relationship, she is. He's not being honest.

chatterbugmegastar Sun 06-Sep-20 10:59:26

I’m in a relationship with a great, kind, sexy guy.

No

You're being kept secret for a reason

That reason is now free and available

You are not in a relationship now, if you ever were, you are now a fwb

Patbutcherismyhero Sun 06-Sep-20 11:03:38

I'm sorry but this isn't a relationship. His focus is now back on his ex...if she ever was an ex.

If she is an ex it's not his job to support her now he's allegedly moved on with you. Going days without contact because he's busy consoling his ex isn't normal. Come on op, you know this isn't right.

RainingAllTheTime65 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:03:40

Also, you can pretty much scrub off kind as a descriptor of him. He may be capable of being kind, he is also capable of being unkind.

SoulofanAggron Sun 06-Sep-20 11:04:55

You're not being controlling. If he goes days without getting in touch and then meets for a shag, he's just using you for sex. It's disrespectful. I'd dump him for that alone, let alone with added ex stuff.

mineofuselessinformation Sun 06-Sep-20 11:07:27

She's not his ex.

TheStoic Sun 06-Sep-20 11:08:02

He’s seeing another woman more than he’s seeing you?

Doesn’t matter who that woman is, that’s not on.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 06-Sep-20 11:09:26

You’re being utilised. It’s now become clear. Sorry - his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

TwentyViginti Sun 06-Sep-20 11:12:28

SoulofanAggron

You're not being controlling. If he goes days without getting in touch and then meets for a shag, he's just using you for sex. It's disrespectful. I'd dump him for that alone, let alone with added ex stuff.

Absolutely this.

user12642379742146 Sun 06-Sep-20 11:14:01

Sounds like your relationship has already ended.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 06-Sep-20 11:16:06

"Issue is his ex has now split from her long term partner. Its been a difficult breakup for her and and he is helping her through it."

So many questions from that one sentence.

"Her long-term partner" - how long was this relationship? Quite long to be 'long-term'. So he and ex have been split up for at least that long. Not been together as a couple for a loooong time. Which begs the next question - why is your secret lover the person she turns to? Has she no friends or family to comfort her through this difficult break-up? (Side question - what's so difficult about it?) Why is your secret lover so amenable to being turned to? In fact, why are they even still in touch, if they'd been apart long enough for her to be in a long-term relationship? Why are they so close that he offers her a bed for the night? Even if she is in the spare room, that bespeaks a level of intimacy.

No way would I be his booty call.

Rainbowqueeen Sun 06-Sep-20 11:19:23

There is absolutely no reason for him to help his ex deal with a break up, other than that he wants to.

I’d end it. He has shown where his priorities lie

raspberryraindrops Sun 06-Sep-20 11:19:27

If you really thought about it, which one of you decided to keep the relationship a secret?

Have you been to his house? As he's your boyfriend surely you can just rock up to his house for a visit?

rainbowstardrops Sun 06-Sep-20 11:24:01

I think it's quite clear why it's suited him to keep you secret! I don't think this 'relationship' has got any chance. Sorry.

thesunwillout Sun 06-Sep-20 11:25:36

I don't think she's sleeping in the spare room op.

For me, that would signal it's time to end the relationship.

Heffalooomia Sun 06-Sep-20 11:26:26

Kick the low down player to the curb ☹️

ilikemethewayiam Sun 06-Sep-20 11:36:30

I would be very blunt with him OP. Tell him as his GF you expect to be his priority. It’s all or nothing. If you are not his priority then he will not be yours. Tell him you are going to start dating again. His reaction will tell you everything.

IJustWantSomeBees Sun 06-Sep-20 11:41:26

Absolutely do not put up with this

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