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(38 Posts)
Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 21:16:32

will do this in bullet points as I'm so drained.

Exwife claimed husband was a druggy and took all their money.

Husband very clever at claiming ex was nuts and all the usual manipulative shit to make me believe it. Stupid on my part.

Turns out ex was right. Husband has been cutting money off my parents rent (we rent off them) to buy cocaine since march.

While they were shielding (we live on a side bit). And myself and them were doing everything right down to washing bloodu shopping to ve safe.

I was pregnant. Had baby three amd a half months ago. And a toddler by him, two years old.

April I developed covid like symtopms. Daughter got seriously ill a week later.

Contacted yesterday by local hospital as they believed I had it while pregnant and want me to accept information being part of study.

He claimed he was so worried for us all being safe he didn't see his children from previous marriage beyond distanced meetings. (Yet could pick up drugs...)

My dad got seriously ill not long after my son was born. We nearly lost him multiple times. He was in hospital for three months beyond the odd night home.and an ambulance back a day or two later.

All along he watched us collapse in grief.

Husband when it all came out threatened suicide when i asked him to leave.

I then took it upon myself to message his ex and let her know how sorry I was for believing his version, and also my health visitor and social services directly.

I want all to know i had no knowledge or part in this.

Health visitor and gp are very supportive of me. Social services said I done the right thing.

Yet something sticks in my mind (I have a history of depression) . They keep asking how my.mental health is. I'm fine as far as fine can be with all thst has happened. But it feels like they are looking at us both like we are potential bad parents. I get they need to be careful. But its scared me.

Husband is so manipulative he took his ex to court for access to their kids and won. Poor woman demanded a hair strand test and he used his words to avoid it.

I can't even get him to leave as much as i want him to.

Exwife said he never done therapy and that with her - so a tiny bit of ke feels hopeful as he is doing that now along with a list of things I asked. But reality is - I know he won't change.

He isn't an awful father. But isn't a father I would feel happy with leaving my children longer thsn a few hours with. He proved thst when my dad was in hospital.

What the fuck do I do? Atm I am on the sofa while the bedroom door (open and leads off lounge) is open and he is playing father of the year with the odd jab at me towards them. But I know if i go in there je will start and I don't want them to see that.

Meant to bs our bloody wedding anniversary tomorrow as well sad

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Jenniferbella12 Wed 02-Sep-20 21:20:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Anordinarymum Wed 02-Sep-20 21:23:39

The courts would have demanded the hair strand test. I don't know how he got out of that one.

I suggest you throw him out as he is a toxic waste of space if he is using drugs. Let him commit suicide. He won't. He does not deserve to be anywhere near you or his children while he is using

Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 21:37:56

He used the fact he was in the TA to avoid it. Claimed regular drug tests but didn't mention he wasn't there half the time (only Tuesdays and he claimed work to me or too tired) .

He claims he isn't using now. And looking at statements for the last month at least that seems true.

I would let him walk and let him threaten. But when I was elven I claimed I was sick to stay home due to bullying. My mum took me to Asda in the afternoon. On the way home I was so excited to show my granddad who lived with us anillustrated alice in wonderland book, and he had died while we were out. I never got over it and still to this day live in fear if I don't do what I should be doing (staying at home while being "sick") something bad will happen.

As much as he id a shit husband, he is good to our two because it suits his image.

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Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 21:39:14

I don't want to hurt any of the children involved. At all. Myself and ex wife are planning to meet with them all as oldest don't really want to zee him.

But when he leaves, my 2 year old screams and demands video calls with him. I don't want to be the cause of their pain. Even if it seems unrealistic in sense

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Vodkacranberryplease Wed 02-Sep-20 21:43:48

He's dangerous. Will take your kid. He's started already that's why you were being asked about your MH. Somehow and I don't know how you need to get him out of that house. You need large male friends or something he can't manipulate.

Otherwise he will stay in your home and drive you out - without your children. Your parents need to evict him and change the locks. Thank GOD you are renting and they are the landlords. Does he personally have a copy of the lease? If so find it, destroy it and get a new one with just you on it. Then get your parents to change the locks because of a security risk.

You are very very lucky because if you owned that house you would be FUCKED.

You also need to officially separate.

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 02-Sep-20 21:45:52

The two year old will cope. When he's safely contained (out of the house) you can set up official access. Until then this is MUCH bigger.

Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 21:47:10

What makes it worse is because he listened to my terms (so far anyway) ss, gp and hv all say I'm doing the rihht thing by giving him a chance. And thst I've done the right thing in all aspects.

I'm worried if I do a uturn now they will think its me being funny. As on paper - he is doing the right things.

But they don't know how he bullied me when i was pregnsnt with our son. How i begged him to stop threatening me and demanding to "say goodbye to daughter" i was left against that door for hours cos i refused and kept asking him to leave

When i asked him to leave the other week he pushed me infront of our baby while my toddler was holding my leg.

I am so scared if I leave he will get access. Not cos he is awful to tjem. But he isn't stable and has never managed them longer than a couple hours without something kicking off.

Not to mention when we had his kids eow, it was always me doing everything.

He jas also threatened that if I leave he will stop a move that was the plan (messages for evidence) way before this came out.

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Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 21:48:47

No official lease. We live in an annex my nan lived in. Moved in a year after she passed. He did invest in an extension though

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Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 21:52:39


Taking my children is my worry. I have a long history of depression. I also got bad after my daughter cos he didn't help and left me feeling useless. On paper I could look unstable.

But I'm not. At all. Since I realised I'm a good mum, my life is them. I do everything for them, 247. I adore them right down to their morning breath. I'd never hurt myself for fear of hurting them

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Greyblueeyes Wed 02-Sep-20 21:54:21

Look, he's abusive and a drug user. It sounds to me like you haven't really told SS and the GP everything that is and has gone on. They should not encourage you to stay with an abuser.

You need to start by being honest about what has happened. Get documentation. Get your financial papers. Set up a lease with only your name.

Be completely honest so you can have back up to get him out of your life.

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 02-Sep-20 21:54:38

He didn't invest in anything, he skimmed money for drugs ffs. You need to be very careful and very tough, and you need to tell the HV the truth.

You need to explain about his manipulation of the ex and lies because he WILL do the same to you. And you must definitely need a solicitor. A good one. And any evidence of threats you can get.

He had no rights to stay in that house and you need to distrntangle yourself from him legally. He's an abuser. Be very very careful and enlist as much help as you can.

If you are soft or hesitate he will ruin your life.

Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 22:00:46

I tried calling the nonemergency police line when he pushed me. But it rang off for ages due to covid. I gave up.

I'm not sure we can get an official lease when they aren't official landlords? We pay half of what this place is worth including bills.

I've told hv ex wife was right all along. She had heard my worries before this came about

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Blankblankblank Wed 02-Sep-20 22:03:59

ss, gp and hv all say I'm doing the rihht thing by giving him a chance

They all actually said you are doing the right thing staying with him? Really? Is it possible, in all the upset, that you misheard them say to give your drug dealing husband a chance?

Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 22:10:36

He isn't dealing. Not that it matters.

They said through all the actions he is taking to prove himself I should give that a chance. As a few weeks into finding out about all this is too soon to make my mind up long term.

What is worse and plays on my mind- when I was pregnant with our youngest i got annoyed after finding out he kept an old flames number he claimed to habe deleted under a blokes name on his phone. Naturallt this raised questions. He refused to answer and then sent me a photo of me in hospital. Way before children and soon after we met, where I had overdosed. And threatened to show my daughter once she was older if i didn't stay.

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Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 22:12:23

On medication. Not drugs may I add.

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Vodkacranberryplease Wed 02-Sep-20 22:29:36

What a cunt. You have not told the HV this. Tell them everything and that you are scared and he has threatened you. Change the locks and get rid. He can't prove that was an OD and it's chilling he even tried that.

You will be in a lot of trouble if you don't get him out. He's very dangerous.

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 02-Sep-20 22:30:19

Oh don't tell HV it was an OD, make something up or leave that part out!

greengreengrass14 Wed 02-Sep-20 22:30:36

This is coercive control.

It is part of that whereby an abusive partner makes certain threats to the other in order to keep them in a state of fear and uncertainty to get what they want.

For example, the fear of having your kids taken away.

Or the fear of being deemed mentally unstable and being deemed an unfit mother.

As long as you have no space for yourself to think clearly about theses issues the whole thing becomes more difficult.

That is why they call it the FOG of abuse. It stops you thinking clearly Fog stands for Fear.

The reality is, if and when you seperate or divorce - it is actually not him or you who decide child contact or where the kids should live and when. It is ultimately the court who decides that and the judge, by considering the evidence.

He will try to argue that you are not the primary carer. They always do. Be warned. They don't stop at anything, really not.

Discuss it with women's aid. As someone said, start putting all your ducks in a row re finances.

Get the locks changed. Draw your emotional boundaries.

Sadly, not all health visitors, gps or social workers know about domestic abuse or coercive control. It is quite a specialised field and they can miss things.

In the first instance, unless the fathers are extremely physically or sexually abusive it is unlikely that courts decide no contact. They usually go for shared parenting, as unreasonable as it is, and I don't think that Family court is biased in favour of the mother. Despite what father's rights groups may say.

So you will need to get wiser. And stronger. Put your boxing gloves on mentally.

The good news is, you will be okay. And happier than now. I don't envy you on this journey and I'm glad it is behind me now. I'm just saying a few things to you that I wish someone had said to me.

Good luck on your journey.

Feckityfeckityboo Wed 02-Sep-20 22:37:48

But how without looking like I'm suddenly the spiteful ex now?

I've seen how clever he is. I've seen how easily he puts on the charm.

His poor ex and children lived it.

I couldn't imagine anything worse than leaving my two with him fir the weekend.

Since courts, i understand now why his ex put so many measured in place (panicking of sdd phone was off as it had tracking and that on)

My two are far too tiny to communicate. Otherweek despite a load of free grass I had to argue why putting a rocker for a toddler wasn't safe on cement.

When I was holding my at the time very much dying dads hand to have a feeding tube put in, despite knowing what sS happening he was calling me moaning neither would settle.

He loves them. But i would only be happy with supervised visits until they were able to talk to me clearly.

And i know i wouldn't get that. Not for that period of time anyway. .

At this point- being with him for their sake and playing happy families seems the lesser evil. Especially after listening to his ex wife and just why his eldest two don't want to know him anymore.

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Vodkacranberryplease Wed 02-Sep-20 22:40:52

What about the money he stole? You won't have a leg to stand on if he takes more. He's evil.

Feckityfeckityboo Thu 03-Sep-20 11:21:35

That concerns me, obviously. Hence me having complete control of all finances now.

But I'm more scared of having to hand my babies over every other weekend to him and having no idea how they are. Knowing he can only manage a couple hours.

I know it wouldn't happen straight away, but it would happen eventually and I just can't trust him.

Part of me thinks by staying i can protect them more.

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Vodkacranberryplease Thu 03-Sep-20 18:06:35

Fair enough but you may end up having to if hes bad enough. So better to control your exit rather than have him do so surely? Work out what evidence & grounds you need for him to have supervised visitation only & get it. Very young children dont tend to get split into 50/50 & babies certainly dont.

You also need to prove hes a useless/dangerous father. So get that evidence too.

Also the longer you are married the more rights he has so check the legals around that. In fact, just see a solicitor. They may tell you theres no way a baby will do overnights & a two year old probably wont either. However if you protect him now by lying to the HV etc then when the time comes they will assume YOU are the one lying.

Also use this time to erase anything he has against you.

Feckityfeckityboo Thu 03-Sep-20 19:28:20

Child services called me while he was home. They heard him get funny over them wanting to see me and the children without him first. Resulted in a whatsapp conversation between me and them.

I then kicked him out. He threatened if I did he would report me to social services as a raging alcoholic and he fears for his children with me....

I am seeing my HV tomorrow and will be telling her of that threat. Which is all it is. He panicked over losing his roof and chose to threaten me instead when he has no grounds at all.

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Feckityfeckityboo Thu 03-Sep-20 19:29:36

He has nothing against me. Beyond being a bit snappy with him now and then, I am a good wife and mother.

I have also sent evidence through WhatsApp of hik admitting drug use and the rest to my sister and his exwife.

I have backups of all i need.

He will dig his own grave.

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