Posting here because I can’t hack AIBU.
I need some help because I don’t know how to feel. This is probably too much information and details our sex life, so please don’t read on if you don’t want to, but I need to give a whole picture. Any advice or words of wisdom would really help right now.
Myself and DP rarely have sex due to some physical, and mental, issues I have been having and I know he misses that aspect of our relationship a lot. There are a couple of traumatic things that have happened to me in the past in relation to assault and some reproductive things that don’t help with my attitude towards sex. I want to want to have sex, but I don’t, I panic instead and tense up so it hurts. He’s a brilliant partner and we’ve been through an awful lot, always there to help or listen, does anything I or we need and I feel loved and cared for and at home with him.
However, last night we had sex and I feel off about it today but I don’t know if I’m just thinking too much and linking the incident with other things. We used to have a really active sex life and a healthy mix of ‘loving romantic’ sex but also more demanding and I suppose rougher sex. Because of how it is at the moment I don’t want to engage in the latter and need to feel safe, I’m not ready to be chucked about... last night started fine and he began being a bit rougher mid way through, that was fine and we were both enjoying it. He turned me over and was close to finishing so was even rougher and I don’t know if it was the angle but coupled together, I felt what felt like a little tear and was very painful and it all became to much. My face was in the pillow and I panicked, I couldn’t speak at least not quickly so I don’t think I said anything apart from muffled panic, but I wanted it all to stop. I bent my legs to push DP back and a second or two later he finished. It was a matter of seconds and I didn’t know if he knew I even wanted him to stop, but after there was a weird awkwardness like he knew what I wanted but was also 1 second away so carried on. I went quiet and he apologised and said he wasn’t sure but with hindsight should have stopped. I know he was about to if not already finishing but those 2 seconds have left me feeling weird and distrustful and like I don’t have any control over my body again. I know he meant no wrong and would never hurt me, but he has... and with all the other things going on I just feel like crawling in a hole and giving up on ever trying again because I don’t feel secure now. Please help me level out how I’m feeling because I think I’m blowing it up because of past experiences and he doesn’t deserve the way I feel about it/him. He left before I woke for work this morning so I was thinking about talking about it this evening but should maybe let it go and not dredge up the past again.
Thank you if you got to the end.
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Relationships
DP didn’t stop immediately
Soxandseven · 13/08/2020 14:41
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