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Dating Disaster after dating disaster

(28 Posts)
Love2019 Tue 28-Jul-20 16:47:16

Hi all,

Would post this on the dating thread but no idea how it works confused

I want some advice as you are always so great at offering this and I have conflicting feelings about what to do next.

I want to point out that I have been single for 12 months and have had TERRIBLE luck with online dating. Men ghosting me after we slept together or after dating for three months. Men just breadcumbing me.

I have realised that in the past I probably have let myself get too invested too early and that this may have been picked up by the men I have dated and hasn't ended positively for me.

I will point out that I am a strong, independent woman. I have my own home, a career, a nice car, lovely friends, lovely family. I realised early on into my dating disasters that there was obviously something I was doing wrong because no one could believe that I was having such a difficult time. I think I come across as self assured and not 'needy' in any way. I have a busy life and never chance my plans to accommodate a man.

I met a guy online at start of lockdown (around April time). He lives a two hour drive away. We matched as he was working near where I live as a one off. I thought when we realised how far away we lived from each other that we would both sort of change our minds however he seemed keen and I really liked the sound of him. He was consistent and clear about his intentions and it was all really positive. I don't think I have ever met anyone in the past 12 months that seemed so interested in me.

Story is that we hit it off immediately. He was messaging me lots and eventually asked for my number. Then we text quite a lot. Eventually he asked to do a virtual date. We dated virtually (a date once or twice per week for a while). He would call me and I would call him. He would send me voice notes and seemed to take a real interest in my life, asking questions and remembering everything I told him.

Then eventually the restrictions lessened and he asked to meet me. He drove for two hours just to go for a walk and then we had takeaway in my garden. He got to me about 2pm and left at 9.30pm. We got on well in person and we had a few kisses. We had already mentioned another date whilst on the first one.

We spoke on the phone the following week. Then the following weekend we met again. I drove to his house on Saturday late afternoon and we looked around the place where he lives, he took me for a walk, he made me dinner, we watched a film and I stayed over. We didn't sleep together but there was some kissing, making out etc. I told him that I want to take things slow and he said 'of course'.

I stayed on Sunday till about 5pm when I left as he was going for dinner with his parents and I needed to get home. I messaged when I got home and he told me had a nice time with me and was glad I was back safe.

The issues I am faced with now are:
1) the next day I didn't hear from him until later that day (I usually get 'good morning' texts.
2) I have felt a shift in his communication levels, he was not messaging me as much as they seemed less interested.
3) He usually calls me beautiful etc but this has stopped.
4) He has previously asked me out on dates and initiated phone calls and facetimes but this has not happened.
4) I was concerned that perhaps he was after sex, realised he wasn't going to get it that easily and thought, well I can;t be bothered with this. I thought perhaps he would just breadcrumb me and then eventually drop off the face of the earth.
5) Or he decided that I live too far and it wasn't worth it.

I therefore lent back a little and left it to him as I was feeling him distancing himself. I thought this would be the best course of action. I have basically just mirrored his actions. If he messages, I message, if he asks a question, I answer and ask him one. If he makes a statement, I just leave it until he contacts me again.

Since then, he has initiated all text conversations, asking questions, taking an interest, telling me what he is up to. He has sent me voice notes. I called him and he answered right away and we spoke for 2.5 hours. He seemed pleased to hear from me. He will message me throughout the day generally. He seems to be getting more and more enthusiastic as the days go on.

He hasn't however arranged another date despite me telling him I am getting busy. He hasn't called me or arranged another virtual date. All of which he has done previously. So he isn't worried about rejection. He was the driving force behind everything previously.

I have chased men before and it has never worked out well for me. I don't know whether to ask him to do something this weekend. But surely if he was keen he would have asked by now? Maybe he is only after one thing?

I had such a good feeling about this guy initially. We got on so well. I felt like I could be completely open with him about my feelings etc and now I feel like I am being forced to play games. I don't know what to do for the best.

I am usually very intuitive when it comes to this stuff, I can feel when someone's interest is waning however I cannot tell with this guy as he is continuing to make contact with me.

Any advice, guidance, views, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

L x

OP’s posts: |
Love2019 Tue 28-Jul-20 16:49:38

Just to point out that this weekend date was not the weekend just gone but the weekend before that. So if we do not make plans this weekend coming, that will be two lots of weekends where we have made no plans.

OP’s posts: |
frocksmock Tue 28-Jul-20 16:52:27

If someone wants you, they don't play games. Maybe it's the distance, maybe it's something else, who knows. Personally I'd be cutting my losses at this point. Online dating sucks, and you have to have a thick skin OP. It's not you, it's just really hard.

ThirtyAndASmidgen Tue 28-Jul-20 16:55:35

I could almost have written the opening part of your post but I experienced the litany of dating disasters for even longer... three years. I really feel your frustration. In answer to your current question, why not be honest with him and say that you want to date and be taken out now that lockdown has eased? If he wants a relationship he’ll step up. If not, I’d recommend cutting him off before he wastes any more of your time.

karma1979 Tue 28-Jul-20 16:59:04

Ditto the honest and direct approach. You need to know where you stand with him and don't want to be making any more long journeys if he's not on the same page.

Mermaidwaves Tue 28-Jul-20 17:05:28

OP I have been where you are a good few times, I've discovered modern dating to be a confusing nightmare. My experience has told me that you can always tell when they are losing interest, less messages, the endearments and good morning texts stop. Its a perceptible shift that you can sense. It may be hes hanging on until he meets someone else (happened to me) so is maintaining enough contact just in case. I would not get anymore emotionally involved at this point and maybe start dating other men. Easier said than done I know!

rvby Tue 28-Jul-20 17:16:14

Your instincts are up, so just leave it. Your gut will not be wrong. Write it off and move on, multi date as much as you can.

Theres nothing wrong with you. He may have just felt less chemistry in the flesh than he was hoping for. He gave it a few goes, didnt feel it improving, and so has started to hang back.

Happens all the time, its no-one's fault and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Love2019 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:16:47

So I was thinking of waiting a week and then sending this

'Hello mans name. I have had a really nice time getting to know you and would have liked to have continued to do so. The thing is, I am not looking for a pen pal. I'm looking to meet someone to spend time with (in real life) and go nice places and do nice things to see where it goes. As you have been messaging me for a few weeks now with no plans to meet up again I am taking that as you don't want things to progress. No hard feelings at all, I hope you find what you are looking for'.

OP’s posts: |
Love2019 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:18:08

BUB- BYE

OP’s posts: |
crimsonlake Tue 28-Jul-20 17:23:19

That message is okay but a bit lengthy...you could condense it in to one line.

Adirondack Tue 28-Jul-20 17:25:47

'Hello mans name. I have had a really nice time getting to know you and would have liked to have continued to do so. The thing is, I am not looking for a pen pal. I'm looking to meet someone to spend time with (in real life) and go nice places and do nice things to see where it goes. As you have been messaging me for a few weeks now with no plans to meet up again I am taking that as you don't want things to progress. No hard feelings at all, I hope you find what you are looking for'.

I get the impression that what you’re hoping for in sending this is for him to reply with ‘no no no I DO really like you and let’s arrange a date’. Be aware that you might not get the response you’re looking for. How about asking him for a date instead of sending this? If he says no, you’ll know where you stand and can move on.

velourvoyageur Tue 28-Jul-20 17:32:07

Have you not asked him out on a date yourself yet? I don’t think that constitutes chasing, it’s a sign of power balance if anything. He may be holding off on asking you because he thinks your not asking him is a sign you’re not interested - in which case that message would miss the mark completely! (And show that you think men and women have distinct roles to play in dating.)

rvby Tue 28-Jul-20 17:33:45

OP please dont send that message. Just leave it.

It's not your job to give him a performance review and then sack him from your life. Hes just a man and it just hasn't worked out, dont make it any more awkward than it needs to be. Keep your dignity.

AnotherBiteMe Tue 28-Jul-20 17:37:44

Way too long.

This isn't working. Good luck with things.

FluffyTRex Tue 28-Jul-20 17:38:19

Tbh if he's been making all the "moves" as it were so far, there's a possibility he's thinking that maybe you're not as into it as he is, and waiting for you to ask for a date! You say "if he's so keen surely he would ask for a date" so the same applies to you!

I get it, I've been in this place too. It feels better to be "chased" than to do the "chasing", especially when you've been messed about in the past. You feel like you're making yourself vulnerable by asking him, because you know for sure that he wants to see you if he does the asking. But you're not doing anything wrong asking him for a date if you want to see him! If he says yes then great, you get to have a good time again. If he says no, you know where you stand and can move on to someone else!

I don't think his behaviour can be classed as "game playing" just yet tbh.

GilbertMarkham Tue 28-Jul-20 17:50:59

And why would you need to do any of that, given you're dating as many men as you make a connection with (with as little or as much sexual contact as you are happy with) until you're in steady, reliable, interested, positive contact with one for a year or more and you have the exclusive talk?

Aren't you?? 😉

Love2019 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:53:36

@GilbertMarkham

I actually have a date on Thursday and a date on Friday smile

OP’s posts: |
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Tue 28-Jul-20 17:56:00

Hey what are you up to next weekend, be nice to catch up and see each other again x

That's it, and it only goes two ways from there.

Crystalspider Tue 28-Jul-20 17:59:58

Good for you op, keep dating other men
Hold back and Don't send that message, it's really off putting besides if he wants a date he will ask you, it's up to you if you want to schedule him in.

MusicSchool Tue 28-Jul-20 18:14:01

OP, don't bother sending the message. Continue searching and dating. With OLD you need to have a plan. Watch patterns - words are meaningless, patterns are your friends. Avoid people who are into games or wasting your time.

I am brutal. When they change their patterns, I will delete and block and move on.

RenascenceWoman Tue 28-Jul-20 18:26:37

Love2019

*@GilbertMarkham*

I actually have a date on Thursday and a date on Friday smile

With him @Love2019?

If not, that composed message sounds bitter. Don't send.

Can you really see yourself having a relationship with someone who lives 2 hrs away? Can it provide what you want? It doesn't sound like it. Maybe he feels the same. Really think about what you need/want.

RedRumTheHorse Tue 28-Jul-20 20:35:59

Make sure you are going on dates with multiple men and don't be afraid to tell each one you are dating other men. One will then make it clear when they want to be exclusive.

Also don't spend ages messaging men, meet up for a coffee after a few messages and see if you both want to go for a date.

If someone lives more than an hour away don't bother meeting them.

Good luck.

GilbertMarkham Tue 28-Jul-20 21:03:57

I actually have a date on Thursday and a date on Friday smile

Great to hear.

Don't bother sending any messages about anything.

Let it drift/slide if it does, if he pops up asking for a meeting/date, add him to the rotation. None of them are worth any headspace or stress until they've proven consistently interested and kind/decent for quite a long while.

GilbertMarkham Tue 28-Jul-20 21:05:58

And yeah, maybe the distance is really sinking in for him, past the first flush of excitement .. or maybe another romantic prospect has popped for him at a more convenient distance, or both.

GilbertMarkham Tue 28-Jul-20 21:07:36

Watch patterns - words are meaningless, patterns are your friends.

Valuable advice.

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