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(32 Posts)
MaggieA17 Thu 09-Jul-20 18:08:10

I know I’m in the wrong and I just need advice not horrible comments. So for the last 7 months I have been messaging a work colleague. We have been having an affair but not full blown affair. We are both married. His wife found out at the weekend and now he’s (probably wife) deleted all social media. His wife knows we work together. I have no way of contacting him and at work he is ignoring me. I have tried to ask him what happened but just says he can’t talk now. It’s really hard at work because not much time to speak to him and always others around. Should I leave it and just ignore him back. But I need answers to what’s happened etc. I have thought about writing some stuff down as he would have to read it if that’s the only way he can see what I’m going through. I know he cares about me as he’s always looking at me but know he wants to be with his wife. Maybe he just needs time. Please give me advice I’m going through hell.

OP’s posts: |
nolovelost Thu 09-Jul-20 18:18:22

You know what has happened, his wife found out! He's obviously said that he'll stop all contact with you, what do you need to know?! Just leave him to it.

Opentooffers Thu 09-Jul-20 18:20:30

You , know what happened, his wife found out, he's cut you off because he intends to stay with her. You don't need any more detail than that.
Now you decide about your own life going forward, do you split with your DH? Either way, there is no point perusing him, that's gone, draw a line and move on in whatever way way is best for you and your DH.

Opentooffers Thu 09-Jul-20 18:21:30

Pursuing confused

StopGo Thu 09-Jul-20 18:35:11

No remorse for what you've done to your H or his W?

Carolamc Thu 09-Jul-20 19:05:31

Oh here we go, attack the poster when she is asking for advice! If you can't give any, then stop with the nasty comments.

Op please, you really don't need any more information from him. He has chosen his wife. Please work on your self esteem and look for someone who will be worth your time...

Pebblexox Thu 09-Jul-20 19:10:02

As others have said you know what has happened. His wife has found out. I'm not trying to be nasty, but if he wanted to be with you he would be at this point.
By deleting his Facebook and ignoring you he has made it clear he is working things out right now.
You need to leave it at that. I'm also not berating, but perhaps it's time to talk to your dh too. You don't have to tell him about the affair, but I don't think you should be with him anymore given all of this.

SoulofanAggron Thu 09-Jul-20 19:17:35

It needn't even be his wife found out. He might've decided he shouldn't be doing it and stopped. It'dve been nice if he'd told you, either way.

Ryah1 Thu 09-Jul-20 19:18:37

So I take it this was emotional, no sex? Honestly just leave him alone, a world of pain has been caused already, why set yourself up for more?

Bunnymumy Thu 09-Jul-20 19:25:15

His wife found out. He has chosen her.

He doesn't need time. You two are over.

He is trying to do the right thing now. Take a leaf outa that book and leave him alone. I'd suggest changing jobs too.

You really should be ashamed of yourself. You and him have hurt this poor woman so deeply. And even though she must be going through hell right now, still, all you can think of is yourself.

Is this really who you want to be?

MaggieA17 Thu 09-Jul-20 19:25:30

Thank you for your replies so far. It was emotional everyday messages for 7 months but they were sexual as well. We only touched each other like on the bum etc as never meet up outside of work. We had planned but stuff came up and lockdown etc. His wife sent me a message but I could only read the start as you can on an iPhone then when I went back to open it it had gone. So he hasn’t even told me she found out. I just feel I can’t move on till I get some answers.

OP’s posts: |
Greenkit Thu 09-Jul-20 19:37:35

* I just feel I can’t move on till I get some answers.*

You don't have the right to demand answers, you just need to leave it. Deal with your own marriage.

He has chosen his wife, back off or she may tell your husband.

(I say this as someone who had an affair)

Ohnoherewego62 Thu 09-Jul-20 19:49:33

How much contact do you have at work?

What if its him that's decided to quit you altogether?

I'm sorry for your partners tbh. You need answers? What about your husband and the OM wife?

SoulofanAggron Thu 09-Jul-20 20:02:56

Ah ok, I somehow missed the bit that she's definitely found out. There's no more to say then, is there? He's had a bollocking and seems to be trying to make a go of his marriage.

Crazychild Thu 09-Jul-20 22:54:07

Here’s the advice that you really want:

If you want him, the best thing you can do right now is shut him out and even though you’re hurting just ignore him and let him think that you’re moving on.
He will cave and get back in touch if he does have feelings for you. I guarantee it.

EpilepsyMum4 Thu 09-Jul-20 23:39:08

* Please give me advice I’m going through hell*

How do you think his wife feels?

Msonamission Fri 10-Jul-20 16:47:33

If he says he can't talk now, that implies that he will eventually be able to talk, doesn't it? If his wife has found out, he's probably waiting for the storm to blow over, and licking his wounds.
Alternatively, if he said 'I can't talk to you', then that sounds final.

Thisisworsethananticpated Fri 10-Jul-20 16:52:44

His wife found out
He’s dumped you
He literally cannot speak to you
Move on , lock your wounds and do something thinking about why ? This can’t be a happy way to live

Msonamission Fri 10-Jul-20 16:55:20

How comes his wife has your phone number to send you a message? What did message say?

MaggieA17 Fri 10-Jul-20 17:42:04

She messaged on social media but when I went to open it it had disappeared. She must of taken it back/deleted it. She wouldn’t message me normally as I’m not friends with her and we don’t know each other.

OP’s posts: |
JorisBonson Fri 10-Jul-20 18:02:50

His poor wife.

Your poor husband.

rvby Fri 10-Jul-20 18:07:36

I just feel I can’t move on till I get some answers. this is an illusion.

You want to talk to him again because you're hoping its not over.

In reality, moving on happens quicker when you accept things as they are, and go no contact.

Be kind to yourself and all involved, and just pretend it never happened. Cry at home, take care of yourself, and steer clear of him. Try not to obsess about what could have been, or what he might be thinking - those things are mysteries and best buried in a deep grave. It was never going to work out, this isn't how happy endings start out.

Bunnymumy Fri 10-Jul-20 18:07:57

Maybe she messaged you and then blocked you. And blocking you stops you seeing the message.

Seriously though op, this should be the kick up the backside you need to get your morality back in order. You've behaved appallingly. Take this opportunity to fix it.

Diverseduvet Fri 10-Jul-20 19:14:51

It's over. Maybe one day you will get answers but right now he doesn't want to talk to you. He is married and when the shit hit he woke up and realised he'd rather stay with his wife.
Don't pursue him or try to get answers, his actions speak for themselves.

BlessYourCottonSocks Fri 10-Jul-20 19:24:01

It is over and you need to gather your dignity and ignore him and behave professionally.

Trying to pursue him for an answer as to why he isn't continuing an affair or talking to you is utterly embarrassing - and if he raises a complaint to the bosses about you, you'll feel worse.

He doesn't need time, and he doesn't care about you. He's been caught out in something that was just a bit of fun for him and he's chosen to cut you dead to preserve his marriage.

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