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How does it feel if you love your DH?

(48 Posts)
Earlgrey19 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:13:57

After a number of hard years with difficult behaviour from DH (his stress turning to anger with me, and him never letting me express anything I’m finding difficult about him) and lots of previous conflict, I’m not sure if I love him anymore. The confusing thing is he feels lockdown has given him perspective and he can finally see that he wants to change. I should be glad but not feeling it. Feel I may not love him anymore. Now that he’s calmer I can feel comfortable and familiar with him, and I care about him, but there are some aspects of him I dislike. He’s not my favourite person to talk to (prefer friends), and I’m not usually especially glad to see him, though now he’s calmer it’s ok being around him. Feel depressed at the thought of it being the relationship for the rest of my life, but is this just what it’s like after being married 10 years with 2 young DC?

OP’s posts: |
BramberryCustard538 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:36:06

Well I love my husband, I feel comfortable around him, safe around him, he's not always my favourite person to spend time with but he often is. I like that he's the one I share a bed with. I like that he's the one that I'm going to be going on all my holidays with. When I think if my retirement , well it's with him. A lot of my future plans and goals include him, but I have a lot that don't. I want to go places, meet people, learn things with him but I also need to do all that without him. He's not my reason for living but he makes me feel like I have a home with him. I used to think love had to be dramatic but I'm starting to think it's more of a safe place that you can recuperate from life and have space to dream , if that doesn't sound too cheesy.

BramberryCustard538 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:39:14

We have been together for almost 20 years btw with an older child. I'm the one who has caused the most problems in the relationship ( like your husband did) but things got easier after the 10 year stage and the young child stage. Having a young family is lovely in some ways but it's a nightmare on a relationship. I didn't realise this until it started to get better.

BlessYourCottonSocks Tue 30-Jun-20 23:47:35

I've had over 20 years with DH and still love him. He's still my best friend and the person I love to be with most. We still laugh a lot, and despite being old, grey and weighing 5 stone more than I did he still fancies me and I do him. He is kind and I always know he loves me more than anyone in the world does, even when I'm not particularly loveable. I can't imagine life without him.

Pebblexox Tue 30-Jun-20 23:51:08

I can't really explain it. I just know. He still gives me butterflies, makes me laugh on my hardest days. Our relationship has changed after having our daughter, it's not as passionate or sexually intimate as it once was. It's comfortable, and sweet and loving with the odd moment of fiery passion.
He's my best friend, the person I want to tell everything to and I honestly wouldn't want to do life without him.

Teacaketotty Tue 30-Jun-20 23:53:59

We are in the thick of young babies etc having had a stressful year however it’s proved to me that even on our worst days when things are shit around us I wouldn’t want to face it with anyone else and I know we have each other no matter what.

It’s a safe feeling but also nobody makes me laugh or feel happy the way he does. Don’t get me wrong he pisses me off sometimes but I cannot imagine life without him - I guess we have a connection that can stand whatever life throws at us next!

Germolenequeen Tue 30-Jun-20 23:57:59

Can't imagine life without him sums it up for me - we were married 32 years on 4th June

Mixitupalot Wed 01-Jul-20 00:16:39

He’s my best friend, my safety net, I couldn’t be without him. I fancy him loads, I miss him even when he’s in the house upstairs or in the garden & I haven't seen him for a few hours. together 12 years we’ve had the good & the bad but we’re out this side stronger & better for it.

Flyingf1edgelings Wed 01-Jul-20 00:32:03

My best friend, tell each other everything (too much sometimes) I look forward to he gets in from work. Still fancy eachother, we always put each other first. After children ofcourse. Together 10 years married 6.

Osirus Wed 01-Jul-20 00:59:54

I think simply it’s being terrified of the thought of life without him.

If you wouldn’t be bothered if he disappeared, then that would tell you everything.

AnonUser2018 Wed 01-Jul-20 01:23:19

God I could have written your OP. Been together 12yrs. Two kids. Not sure I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him if this is how we are. Hoping it gets better as kids get older but honestly don't feel a deep connection with him or find him very attractive anymore (pretty sure he feels the same way about me).

Not sure if lockdown has made me feel this way tho as we've been together 24/7 fir months which is not natural.

Sheenais Wed 01-Jul-20 01:27:56

I feel safe. We have (had) very active lives beyond each other, but I still get excited to see him. He frequently irritates me immensely but he also makes me belly laugh every day.

Davodia Wed 01-Jul-20 01:28:37

I’ve often imagined what it must be like to love your husband. Imagine having a baby with someone you love? It must be so wonderful. Sadly that won’t ever happen for me.

DBML Wed 01-Jul-20 02:47:37

I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, since we were teenagers. I absolutely adore him and I feel adored too.
I enjoy his company; I can’t get enough of him when it comes to sex and he makes me feel safe.
DH always puts me before anyone else and can’t bare it when I’m sad. I love to please him and I look forward to seeing him everyday after work.
We never argue; never shout. Trust feels extremely natural. I see nothing but love in his eyes and his smile makes me weak at the knees.
I can’t imagine not being with my husband and there’s not a man in the world I’d prefer to be with.
I love him so much, I feel blessed. I feel loved.

Pinkypie86 Wed 01-Jul-20 03:44:52

Gosh, I think about this.
The one I loved, I messed up.

The one I'm with. No, just no. It makes me dread every day. I want to be alone.
@Davodia
It's sad isn't it?
Clearly pondering at 4am! smile

Nicolastuffedone Wed 01-Jul-20 05:00:46

Don’t want to spend a day without him...he’s the only person I want, the thought of him not being in my world terrifies me.....

Ploughingthrough Wed 01-Jul-20 05:37:23

I love my husband. When I consider life without him, for any reason, it makes me feel desperately sad and I don't know how I would carry on. If I've had a difficult day, or have something on my mind I look forward to talking it through with him because I know he will reassure me or give some kind of suggestion, or just sympathize. Doesn't mean we don't have our moments but life is definitely better with him than without.

pinacoladalover Wed 01-Jul-20 05:46:46

Can't wait for him to come home. When something extraordinary happens he is the first one I tell. See something funny on fb, I share with him. Heard a gossip at work, he will be my gossip partner, even if a passive one 😊. Have argument with mother/sister/friend he will know all about it. My period is heavy , he will be the one i moan to. Every night I fell asleep safe and sound knowing he is there, spooning me or one hand at the back of my neck. Not a better feel in the world than cuddling with him on sofa at a movie (or not,) on days off. Don't know how I would cope without him. 15 years together.

astrogirl99 Wed 01-Jul-20 05:47:36

@DBML what a sweet postsmile

I feel the same about mine. No kids yet, only four years in, but we've had a few struggles with infertility and stressful jobs etc.

For me, it feels light, breezy and really rich in love and tenderness at the same time.

We've never had any shouting or harsh words. When there is occasional conflict, he makes it an absolute priority to talk it through calmly and make peace again. Our tendency is towards harmony, always.

We both have big smiles on our faces when one of us walks through the door after a day at work.

I just love him.

OP I would find it really hard to be shouted at, and not sure I could forgive either. My mum copped it from my dad (who had a neurological condition) - never in an aggressive away, but he would get frustrated easily and would suddenly begin shouting at whoever was unlucky enough to be in the room. I think it scarred me so much that I can't bear any shouting from men, ever. I also can't imagine shouting at another adult, EVER. If you think the same way, it's natural you find it unforgiveable in someone else, especially the man who promised to love and honour you in your wedding vows.

This is just me, but I also personally find it really gross when men who are nasty to their partners suddenly 'see the light', and become sweet and contrite. I am watching a close friend go through this and I wish I could tell him what I know - that he's an unstable, manipulative bastard. Meanwhile she's in therapy trying to understand her feelings of insecurity, as though she is the one with the problem. I really hate it because it makes the partner feel extremely confused, which is the WORST.

Maybe it would help to talk to a therapist who can help you objectively understand your feelings and guide you to make the best decision for you and your family? Sounds like you've put up with a lot.

Best of lucksmile

astrogirl99 Wed 01-Jul-20 05:50:18

Also I think it's normal to find aspects of your partner problematic, or a bit annoying, but I wouldn't say I dislike them, if that makes sense. Because I love and like him as a whole person, they just seem like little quirks / negative behaviour that I pull him up on occasionally (and he with me). Not things about him I dislike.

astrogirl99 Wed 01-Jul-20 05:53:43

Oh one more thing - I see that I projected my own experiences growing up to interpret him getting angry as 'shouting' - whoops!

I think my point still stands. I don't want someone I'm living with getting angry at me constantly. It shows a sense of arrogance and entitlement which is very unpleasant, or at best, that you might not be very compatible. That does not sound like a nice life.

All the best!

Wallywobbles Wed 01-Jul-20 06:03:47

We are 2nd marriage with 2 kids each, 3 of which are teens. All fights are about the kids and our different parenting styles. So this will pass in time.

Lockdown has been good. A real view on retirement. We have similar values. We are kind to each other and thoughtful. Enjoy each other's families.

He is 100% reliable. and honest which are the qualities I need. I've never met a harder worker. I like spending time together. It's quiet and nourishes me. A day never goes past without me thinking and feeling love and loved.

I imagine my future with him but I also imagine that there is a fairly good chance one of us will die and I'm ok with doing it alone. Ive done everything I can think of to prepare if it's me. I'm really looking forward to being a grandparent with him.

moomoomummy Wed 01-Jul-20 06:21:03

BramberryCustard538 Thats exactly how I feel.

2018SoFarSoGreat Wed 01-Jul-20 06:22:53

I think if you don't know how it feels you maybe don't feel it, if that makes any sense?

I've been married 40 years next anniversary. DH gives me the fanny gallops (learned that term on here, and it is the perfect descriptor) every time he looks at me. I so fancy him, find him funny and kind and very smart. He tells me every day that he adores me.

We give each other lots of space, and love being together. We respect that we like things the same, and different. We are kind to each other.

I could live without him, but it would be a much poorer existence. I worry how he will do if I go first.

Disfordarkchocolate Wed 01-Jul-20 06:47:40

Definitely a feeling of being safe, he will always look after me and my happiness is central to him.

He makes me laugh, there has never been a night when I've reached out for him and it didn't feel like we fitted together.

He's definitely not perfect and we've been through some extremely difficult years but I respect him and know he's a decent person.

We have the same values and want the same future, these sort of things keep you together when it's hard.

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