I have just found out most of my important relationships were with narcissists, who only saw me as supply. As an extension of themselves.
First, my mum. Classic engulfing mother. I was an extension of her. If I didn't perform and behave the way she wanted me to, she would withdraw love. Only figured it out last year, so for 40 years I considered it "normal".
Then, 20 years ago I met my husband. Emotionally unavailable (which for me felt "safe". If you look at attachment styles in adults, I'm that one who craves intimacy but is terrified of it at the same time). Self centered. Selfish. His needs were more important than mine. I was very good looking and intelligent, he liked showing off the good looking girlfriend. He spent the last few years saying that "I'm not as intelligent as I think I am".
I've been very unhappy since the DC. Fights all the time. DC with behavioral problems. Emotional abuse. (Always putting me down, but got angry when I asked for the separation).
A few years ago, I got close to a long time friend (acquaintance). It was what mumsnet calls "emotional affair". He wanted to convince me that I was amazing. He worked on that, for years. He did the love bombing and future faking routine. Textbook.
EA guy was, in mumsnet language, my "exit affair". He gave me strength to leave. He helped me with practical advice. He is married and I was never sure if I really wanted to stay with him after the separation. I was not leaving my marriage to be with him, that was clear. But I was infatuated. Part of me thought he was dodgy (red flags). The other part desperately wanted all that to be real. All this time, we never had anything physical.
Well, the other guy turned out not to be real. Right when I needed him the most, he dropped me like a hot potato. His artistic endeavours were suddenly successful and he got literally thousands of fans overnight.
I still asked for help in practical issues, and tried to talk things over. He wouldn't even engage. It was like I had suddenly ceased to exist. I was an unperson. An inconvenience. (that was humiliating).
So... I see now that was never in a relationship where I was not narcissistic supply. Where I was loved as a person, not for what I can do for the other one (and dropped or punished whenever I didn't do it properly).
Where do I start now? I don't want to become paranoid, thinking everyone I come across will be the next narcissist. I know I fell into these relationships because something in them felt familiar.
Funny that I have very good friends. Who, I think, don't like me for "what I can do for them". How can I have that with a future boyfriend? I don't want to fall prey to the next love bomber.
Ironic that running away from a previous love bomber 20 years ago was EXACTLY the reason I accepted the emotionally unavailable boyfriend who I ended up marrying.
I don't even KNOW how a healthy relationship works or looks like. I wouldn't recognize one if it looked me in the face.
I'm not planning to date anyone soon. But I want to be able to recognize a healthy bloke, when I eventually come across one.
Where do I start?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How does it feel not being someone's narcissistic supply?
bringon2020 · 04/06/2020 18:14
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