"Friend"

[arianwe]

I've been friends with the girl I'm about to speak about for 25 years. We are now 30. She has always admitted that she is a jealous person, however it definitely wasn't something I noticed until I got pregnant 4 years ago.

She started to make comments about how I would put on loads of weight, would lose my figure, how it's hard work having a baby, I'd never get any sleep (not untrue!!) and how I'd lose friends. I put it down to jealousy as her and partner started trying for a baby when I got pregnant, but unfortunately it didn't happen.

We bought a house during first pregnancy and when she came over to see it, she said it was nice but that it could do with an extension on it, another conservatory and said if we had any more kids that we would need to add another room on so they could have a play room.

She hardly messaged after that and just before due date she got in touch again to say that she'd been having a tough time and needed to get her head around things and said she was sorry if she'd been a bit weird recently.

Since the baby I saw her maybe once a month, which Is fine. I understand it happens when one of you doesn't have a child. She was fine though and no more nasty comments made.

When I got pregnant for the second time, it all started again. While pregnant, I arranged a meal for her 30th birthday. It was then mine & another friends turn to have a joint birthday meal a month later. She text about a week before saying she doubted it would go ahead as no one could be bothered as we'd all seen each other recently. On the morning of the meal, she text to say she hopes we wouldn't be there long as she didn't really want to go.

Since I've had the baby, it's just been constant negative texts. Anything I say to her such as "really want a coffee but everything shut due to lockdown", she will text a couple of days later saying "hate to tell you, but I've just got a takeaway coffee ;)", I mentioned my eldest Daughter had been having loads of tantrums and she says "my friend says girls are way worse, her Daughter is 8 and still awful and you've got 2 girls so you're going to have hell. Good luck". Just really pathetic stuff.

She is unhappy in her life and has been with her partner for 12 years. They haven't got any children and he has a drug problem. She had always viewed everyone else's lives with rose tinted glasses and I suspect this is the issue. She has told me she feels like she's so far behind everyone else as all her friends have children, a house, jobs they enjoy etc. She really has been such a good friend until I had children, and I really don't know what to do. I'm so sick of texting her back and then waiting for a response that I know is going to p*ss me off. I've never said anything horrible to her and have pretty much just taken everything she has said to me. Do I keep giving her chances? Do I tell her how I feel, or is it just time to call it a day and cut her off? I valued her as a friend so much until the past few years and it would be a real shame for it to be over, but maybe it is time. Opinions please?

[mcmooberry]

I think she is jealous and unhappy so I wouldn't cut her off totally. She might be a totally different person again in a different relationship and if she has a family. She clearly wants children if she was trying years ago.
I would attempt to see her minus your children once lockdown is over and see if she will open up?
However, I don't blame you for finding her texts dreary and demoralising, she sounds extremely negative at the moment.

[PammieDooveOrangeJoof]

I couldn’t be friends with someone who was only bearable when things weren’t going very well for me.
It sounds like her life has not worked out as she expected and that’s sad for her but driving people away won’t make her happier.

[StatementKnickers]

I think you should tell her how you feel. It may not go very well, but there's nothing to lose at this stage as if she carries on the way she is you'll end up ditching her anyway...

[Crystalspider]

I would say leave it, if its no longer a good friendship then don't put in the effort, don't text her first, maybe let it fizzle out if possible but not to end it on bad terms, you never know if her life improves you might re-connect later.

[Bluntness100]

I’d not cut her off op, you’ve known her since she was five, and it’s a rare friendship that lasts since small children into adult hood.

She’s not happy and it comes across in her interactions. Put her on the back burner, but keep in touch loosely. Don’t end it.

Hopefully her life turns around and it gets better for her.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

You are her friend, but she is not your friend. Imho, let it go. Parenting advice from people without kids is so precious, bless her heart.

[thefourgp]

Genuine friends want the best in life for each other. Don’t contact her and let the friendship die. You haven’t said one positive thing about your relationship with her. She doesn’t seem to bring any joy into your life.

[NoMoreDickheads]

So she hasn't always been like this- this is a temporary thing because her life's not as she wants it.

If it turns out she can't have children, she will adjust to that- well, most people do, no matter how sad it is (I did.)

She needs to get rid of the druggie boyfriend- I think if she did you'd get your old friend back.

I suppose you could encourage her to get treatment for her low mood or something, if she admits she's not happy.

I would let her make all the effort, it sounds a bit like she's taking you for granted, thinking she can act this way and you'll stick around. Let her message first and stuff.

[Kittykat93]

Unhappy or not, she sounds like a complete dick. I've been deeply depressed for many years and yes I've felt jealous at what friends have. But never ever have I made snidey remarks, or been anything but happy for them.

[arianwe]

Thanks everyone.

I think maybe the best thing to do is leave her to text first and to not really make much effort.

I totally agree that if she split up with her boyfriend, found someone new and started afresh that she would be happy again and would stop being like this.

I've given her so many chances because I can tell she is only behaving this way out of her own unhappiness. She just loves it when something goes wrong for me, and she has the opportunity to try and crap on me a bit more.

I just wish the friendship could go back to how it used to be, but it's changed so much since kids.

[MashedSpud]

Get rid.

Some people in life try to suck any positivity they can from people because they feel if they’re not happy why should others be happy.

[MagnoliaJustice]

I would write her a letter - not a text or an email that can be ignored or deleted without reading. Tell her how you understand that she is unhappy and that you will support her to turn her life around, if she wants to leave her partner. Give her the chance to realise how much her negative behaviour is impacting on you. Tell her that if she continues to revel in bad things that happen to you, then the friendship is over. Jealousy is a hideously destructive emotion.

[Perch]

I would not even bother with a letter. She is not your friend, your life has changed and moved and she sounds awful. Just slowly pull away. Why would you let yourself be treated like this?

[billy1966]

OP, stop focusing on her and try and figure out why you are chasing someone who wishes things would go badly for you?

Why would you want such negativity in your life?

When you have young children, having friends in your corner is such a joy.

People who have your back when you are juggling children and life.

You are using your energy chasing someone who wants to hear things are going badly for you, and upset you further.

Honestly OP, step back and fix yourself and stop trying and hoping to fix her.

Cut her loose.
Wishing you well

[PersephoneandHades]

For two people who have been friends as long as you have I really would think that an honest talk would be the best solution. If you can’t talk about these things with a friend of 25 years who can you talk about them with?

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Take it from me, she’s a lost cause and you need to just let this friendship die in a pool of her bitterness and jealousy.

[whatwouldjohnmclanedo]

I really feel for your friend. She’s lashing out in a direction that feels safe. Infertility is awful and soul destroying. She isn’t herself at the moment. Maybe she keeps the boyfriend in hope of children? Maybe she responds negatively to messages about your children as it’s a reminder of what she hasn’t got. I’d assume that her 30th birthday was also painful as she isn’t anywhere near where she wanted to be at that age. She possibly needs sad one support for mental health

[whatwouldjohnmclanedo]

Some not sad one

[TheStuffedPenguin]

I had a friend like this - had known her for 33 years . Exactly the same - putdowns etc etc . Last year I did try to explain to her why I found it sometimes difficult to talk to her and she threw it all back on me that I couldn't support her as she had supported me blah blah...I just stopped communicating and honestly the amount of stress that I no longer get is great ! I used to dread seeing her messages or getting involved in a conversation with her. I was one of the best friends to her when others had ditched here for being the same but I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm quite a bit older than you and just don't have the effort or time for people like this .

[Gobbycop]

Tricky one, she's clearly lashing out and probably doesn't really mean any of it.
However if it's affecting you then it's not right you should be on the receiving end.

I wouldn't completely cut her out, just take a step away from her and if she questions why then tell her.

[Spied]

The next comment I'd be tempted to reply along the lines of 'I hope you are Ok.It's just you seem so bitter, always trying to put me down. That's not what friends do, is it?'.

[BumbleBeee69]

Stop making excuses for a jealous bitter person that only shows kindness when her own life is going well...

stop sharing your life news with her... it's just providing ammunition for her .. so say nothing.... your silence will be deafening ..

[Carolamc]

Friendship (particularly a long one) is a lovely thing, but yours must be under a lot of strain at the moment. You are both in different places at the moment. Leave her be. You will come together at another time in your lives. Be there for her. Friendship is far too important for temporary estrangements.

[Pipandmum]

Give her space, she's obviously not coping well with how your life is compared with her own.
But check in every once in a while. Do NOT go on and on about the kids. Just a brief update ('can't believe Suzy is starting nursery, but hey do you remember when we met in Y1 blah blah? Anyway just wondering how you are, keep in touch!')
She may be having a hard time and knowing you are still there and still care, so she can reach out when she's ready, may be enough for now.

[Ilady]

From what you have said about her I think she is very unhappy with her boyfriend, the fact she does not have a kid or a house aged 30. She is taking her unhappiness out on you and that's not fair on you.
Could I ask why is she still with a drug addict boyfriend - surley by now she realised that he is not adding anything to her life? Drug addicts just care about themselves and their next fix. He not interested in saving money towards a house or having a child.
I would give her a final chance. Once you can get your kids minded I would arrange to meet her for a proper chat. I would tell her that your not going to take the smart comments from her that are hurtful. I would also say I think your unhappy with how your life is going because you don't have a house or a child yet.
I would then say to her I know that X her boyfriend takes drugs. She might like to chat about her life now and how to improve it or she might get angry about what you said to her. The truth is she has been taking her unhappiness out on you. She needs to realise that if she wants you as a friend she can no longer do this. She also needs to realise that it might be time to end her relationship with a drug addict boyfriend and move on with her life.
She either starts to treat you better or I would just tell her that you can no longer be friends.