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Would you settle?

(40 Posts)
outlinedinwhite Fri 14-Feb-20 01:07:57

And when I say settle, I mean commit to a (hopefully) forever after relationship with someone. Kids, houses the whole shebang.

I trust him complicity, am able to live with, have good sex with and we have fun. He's very good to me.

We would have a good life together. But he's the classic nice guy. My feelings towards him sway between partner and brother.

I've been through a lot of trauma which effects my thinking re relationships.

outlinedinwhite Fri 14-Feb-20 01:08:35

I'm 30 btw - age isn't a pressing issue but it's on my mind.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Fri 14-Feb-20 01:16:41

Nope. Been there, done that.

Every relationship involves compromise to a greater or lesser degree. If you're looking for someone to have children with then arguably, shared values around parenting are more important than sexual attraction.

outlinedinwhite Fri 14-Feb-20 01:18:51

I really want children and a settled family life. He would deliver.

outlinedinwhite Fri 14-Feb-20 01:20:33

But the sexual attraction isn't an issue once things are going - in fact it's pretty good.

He just doesn't look like my "type", which now I'm typing this out seems extraordinary shallow. I just don't look at him and think yum, more aww.

wowsertrousers Fri 14-Feb-20 01:26:59

I wouldn't view what you've described (trust him, have fun, good sex, can live with him, he treats you well) as settling in any way - to me it sounds like a bloody good foundation for a happy life together! many women in their 20s find classic nice guys boring, I certainly did, but that's largely because most young women aren't thinking too much about settling down. now late 30s, i'm married with kids, and I fully recognise the importance, for me at least, of ending up with a 'nice guy'. most of us love a bit of excitement and rip your pants off passion, but i'd take a classic nice guy who makes you feel safe and secure over that when choosing who you're hopefully going to spend the rest of your life with - all the more so given that you say you have a history of trauma.

80sMum Fri 14-Feb-20 01:37:52

I too don't see where the "settling" comes into it OP. From what you describe, it seems that this man is everything most of us could hope for.

What's missing? Are you seeking perfection? It doesn't exist, in case you weren't aware!

outlinedinwhite Fri 14-Feb-20 01:47:22

You're right 🙂

I think it's because we've been just friends for a while. I've been through a very hard time. He was always there for me, more than anyone else.

Now this is happening and I'm thinking why hasn't this happened before if it was meant to be, but realistically individual circumstances wouldn't have allowed it.

I'm wondering if there's anyone else out there a bit too..

NewInTown08 Fri 14-Feb-20 01:49:12

You sound like hard work.
He sounds good. You should appreciate that.

FritzDonovan Fri 14-Feb-20 01:54:31

I'm wondering if there's anyone else out there a bit too..

Maybe you should go and investigate before settling, then. He sounds like a decent catch, but with this attitude, I'm not sure you do. sad

BigGreenBaskets Fri 14-Feb-20 01:58:28

No, the poor guy deserves better.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 14-Feb-20 02:13:05

He sounds like a lovely man who countless women would love to find. Leave him because he deserves better and someone who truly appreciates him.

outlinedinwhite Fri 14-Feb-20 05:56:17

Thanks for all the support..!

Like I said in my first post. Trauma fucks you up.

category12 Fri 14-Feb-20 06:04:38

Are you in therapy? If not, how about doing some serious work on yourself now? See how it goes with this chap but focus on getting to a healthier place emotionally before you make any lifelong decisions.

If you have kids, it can bring home a lot of past trauma, so you owe it to Future You to address it.

NineSwans Fri 14-Feb-20 06:10:24

Are you confusing sexual attraction with traumatic high drama? Because it sounds as if it’s his niceness that you find unattractive.

JolieOBrien Fri 14-Feb-20 06:20:57


If you are having doubts now I would not settle for him. I lot of women do this and several children later realise they have made a mistake and then have to go throught the upheaval of a divorce and putting their children though a lot of grief. I would think carefully before you commit to someone who is a like a brother to you. Also it is not fair on him either.

outlinedinwhite Fri 14-Feb-20 06:23:09

I am in therapy.

I possibly am yes. I'm also still grieving after witnessing my previous partner's suicide.

My life is a bit of a mess tbh. It would take a lot of effort and understanding on his part to be with me - I don't understand why he would bother. And he's so lovely, I wouldn't want him to put in a lot of effort to something that won't work out - but that's any relationship I guess.

CorianderLord Fri 14-Feb-20 06:34:27

That sounds like a good partner and like you just want passion and fireworks which often fade to an extent over time anyway.

I was friends with DP before we got together and it made for a more understanding and deeper relationship

Weffiepops Fri 14-Feb-20 06:36:31

I settled, he was decent looking, good with my daughter, great around the house, easy company. Then the mask slipped, turned out to be controlling and demanding, 6 yrs on I can't get rid of him. I've been trying to end the relationship for a year but he won't move out. I recommend you stay single until someone comes along that really rocks your world...

TheVanguardSix Fri 14-Feb-20 06:47:22

Oh heavens what a horrible trauma for you, OP. I am terribly sorry that you lost your partner and under such awful circumstances.

As for settling, I wouldn't settle. Nope.

MyGhastIsFlabbered Fri 14-Feb-20 06:52:00

OP I say this gently, if you're still grieving for your previous partner you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. Work through your grieving process first.

And I'm sorry you lost your previous partner to suicide-I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been.

outlinedinwhite Fri 14-Feb-20 07:27:33

The thing is re grieving, how long is a piece of string. I have ptsd. Realistically I'm never going to be completely "cured" of that one, and he completely understands. He was actually the first person I called. We've been very good friends for a while.

There's other things too to throw into the mix but that is the latest "issue".

He ticks all my boxes but something is stopping me. I don't know if it's just my brain.

Im really not a horrible person!! I'm not the best at writing to probably haven't explained properly.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Fri 14-Feb-20 07:29:48

That must have been so fucking hard OP.

It would take a lot of effort and understanding on his part to be with me - I don't understand why he would bother.

That to me says you aren't ready yet for a committed relationship. That's not a bad thing.

I agree with a PP that you may be stuck in a drama cycle. When you no longer need the drama, that's when you're ready to "settle".

ferrier Fri 14-Feb-20 07:32:39

With my older wiser head on I would say this is a great basis for bringing up children but once that's done you will want out.

user764329056 Fri 14-Feb-20 07:39:14

I can really relate to what you’re saying OP, I had a relationship with someone just as you describe, the only man who genuinely loved me despite me being a fuck-up and I hurt him badly, every other relationship has been toxic and I look back now and wish I could heave been the woman he deserved

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