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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you settle?

39 replies

outlinedinwhite · 14/02/2020 01:07

And when I say settle, I mean commit to a (hopefully) forever after relationship with someone. Kids, houses the whole shebang.

I trust him complicity, am able to live with, have good sex with and we have fun. He's very good to me.

We would have a good life together. But he's the classic nice guy. My feelings towards him sway between partner and brother.

I've been through a lot of trauma which effects my thinking re relationships.

OP posts:

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outlinedinwhite · 14/02/2020 01:08

I'm 30 btw - age isn't a pressing issue but it's on my mind.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/02/2020 01:16

Nope. Been there, done that.

Every relationship involves compromise to a greater or lesser degree. If you're looking for someone to have children with then arguably, shared values around parenting are more important than sexual attraction.

outlinedinwhite · 14/02/2020 01:18

I really want children and a settled family life. He would deliver.

OP posts:

outlinedinwhite · 14/02/2020 01:20

But the sexual attraction isn't an issue once things are going - in fact it's pretty good.

He just doesn't look like my "type", which now I'm typing this out seems extraordinary shallow. I just don't look at him and think yum, more aww.

OP posts:

wowsertrousers · 14/02/2020 01:26

I wouldn't view what you've described (trust him, have fun, good sex, can live with him, he treats you well) as settling in any way - to me it sounds like a bloody good foundation for a happy life together! many women in their 20s find classic nice guys boring, I certainly did, but that's largely because most young women aren't thinking too much about settling down. now late 30s, i'm married with kids, and I fully recognise the importance, for me at least, of ending up with a 'nice guy'. most of us love a bit of excitement and rip your pants off passion, but i'd take a classic nice guy who makes you feel safe and secure over that when choosing who you're hopefully going to spend the rest of your life with - all the more so given that you say you have a history of trauma.

80sMum · 14/02/2020 01:37

I too don't see where the "settling" comes into it OP. From what you describe, it seems that this man is everything most of us could hope for.

What's missing? Are you seeking perfection? It doesn't exist, in case you weren't aware!

outlinedinwhite · 14/02/2020 01:47

You're right 🙂

I think it's because we've been just friends for a while. I've been through a very hard time. He was always there for me, more than anyone else.

Now this is happening and I'm thinking why hasn't this happened before if it was meant to be, but realistically individual circumstances wouldn't have allowed it.

I'm wondering if there's anyone else out there a bit too..

OP posts:

NewInTown08 · 14/02/2020 01:49

You sound like hard work.
He sounds good. You should appreciate that.

FritzDonovan · 14/02/2020 01:54

I'm wondering if there's anyone else out there a bit too..

Maybe you should go and investigate before settling, then. He sounds like a decent catch, but with this attitude, I'm not sure you do.

BigGreenBaskets · 14/02/2020 01:58

No, the poor guy deserves better.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2020 02:13

He sounds like a lovely man who countless women would love to find. Leave him because he deserves better and someone who truly appreciates him.

outlinedinwhite · 14/02/2020 05:56

Thanks for all the support..!

Like I said in my first post. Trauma fucks you up.

OP posts:

category12 · 14/02/2020 06:04

Are you in therapy? If not, how about doing some serious work on yourself now? See how it goes with this chap but focus on getting to a healthier place emotionally before you make any lifelong decisions.

If you have kids, it can bring home a lot of past trauma, so you owe it to Future You to address it.

NineSwans · 14/02/2020 06:10

Are you confusing sexual attraction with traumatic high drama? Because it sounds as if it’s his niceness that you find unattractive.

JolieOBrien · 14/02/2020 06:20

@outlinedinwhite

If you are having doubts now I would not settle for him. I lot of women do this and several children later realise they have made a mistake and then have to go throught the upheaval of a divorce and putting their children though a lot of grief. I would think carefully before you commit to someone who is a like a brother to you. Also it is not fair on him either.

outlinedinwhite · 14/02/2020 06:23

I am in therapy.

I possibly am yes. I'm also still grieving after witnessing my previous partner's suicide.

My life is a bit of a mess tbh. It would take a lot of effort and understanding on his part to be with me - I don't understand why he would bother. And he's so lovely, I wouldn't want him to put in a lot of effort to something that won't work out - but that's any relationship I guess.

OP posts:

CorianderLord · 14/02/2020 06:34

That sounds like a good partner and like you just want passion and fireworks which often fade to an extent over time anyway.

I was friends with DP before we got together and it made for a more understanding and deeper relationship

Weffiepops · 14/02/2020 06:36

I settled, he was decent looking, good with my daughter, great around the house, easy company. Then the mask slipped, turned out to be controlling and demanding, 6 yrs on I can't get rid of him. I've been trying to end the relationship for a year but he won't move out. I recommend you stay single until someone comes along that really rocks your world...

TheVanguardSix · 14/02/2020 06:47

Oh heavens what a horrible trauma for you, OP. I am terribly sorry that you lost your partner and under such awful circumstances.

As for settling, I wouldn't settle. Nope.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 14/02/2020 06:52

OP I say this gently, if you're still grieving for your previous partner you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. Work through your grieving process first.

And I'm sorry you lost your previous partner to suicide-I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been.

outlinedinwhite · 14/02/2020 07:27

The thing is re grieving, how long is a piece of string. I have ptsd. Realistically I'm never going to be completely "cured" of that one, and he completely understands. He was actually the first person I called. We've been very good friends for a while.

There's other things too to throw into the mix but that is the latest "issue".

He ticks all my boxes but something is stopping me. I don't know if it's just my brain.

Im really not a horrible person!! I'm not the best at writing to probably haven't explained properly.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/02/2020 07:29

That must have been so fucking hard OP.

It would take a lot of effort and understanding on his part to be with me - I don't understand why he would bother.

That to me says you aren't ready yet for a committed relationship. That's not a bad thing.

I agree with a PP that you may be stuck in a drama cycle. When you no longer need the drama, that's when you're ready to "settle".

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ferrier · 14/02/2020 07:32

With my older wiser head on I would say this is a great basis for bringing up children but once that's done you will want out.

user764329056 · 14/02/2020 07:39

I can really relate to what you’re saying OP, I had a relationship with someone just as you describe, the only man who genuinely loved me despite me being a fuck-up and I hurt him badly, every other relationship has been toxic and I look back now and wish I could heave been the woman he deserved

Techway · 14/02/2020 07:39

How long ago did that happen? Could he be your safe person, whilst you are grieving, but when that phase ends you might wake up and see him differently.

If something is holding you back, an instinct, listen to that.

There is treatment for PTSD so it isn't something you have to live with.

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