Survivors of domestic abuse thread?

[todayisnottuesday]

Hi all - today, I am ten years free of my abusive marriage, and was wondering if any other survivors would be interested in a thread to help us heal, reflect, share experience, vent and perhaps provide hope to those who haven’t yet managed to escape?

On reflection, the last 10’years have been an absolute roller coaster of PTSD, struggle, highs and lows.

It took so many years to find myself again, and when I did I found I was not the same person I was before the abuse. However, I no longer mourn that as in many ways I am a much better person. It’s damaged me in some ways, but also benefitted me in others. I have gone from being a shell of a person to one who has now has confidence, ambition and a stable, fulfilling life. There are still dark days and regrets even now, but the good far outweigh the bad, and I now finally have back the most valuable thing you can possess - peace of mind.

In hindsight, I wrongly believed that it would all be uphill after I finally found the strength to get and stay away, but it’s not like that. In reality, I have been through some of my darkest moments since I left. Sadly, you don’t see level of damage it has done or begin to heal until the mist clears and that takes quite some time.

Would I have actually left had I known how hard these last ten years would be? Probably not. BUT ... not once have I ever regretted leaving, quite the opposite. On reflection I know that if I hadn’t,I would no longer still be here. He may not have physically killed me but psychologically I was almost dead. My DC’s I think would have been damaged beyond repair. It has changed and scarred them too, it ALWAYS does, even if you are convinced that you are protecting them from it (as I was back then). I have to watch them go through pain and struggles I doubt they would have had they not been exposed to that abuse and toxic environment. That bit is tough, and the guilt not easy to reconcile. Even though I realise that he is the one who should bear most of that guilt, not me, I know I played my part too, and I failed to protect them. I was complicit, to an extent.’

It took me years and years to get and finally stay away for good. I had left and gone back so many times, I had almost given up and accepted it as my lot. Almost. I used to look at threads of those who had escaped and wondered how they did it, how they could be so strong and me so weak, which just compounded my self loathing and trapped me even further. If anyone is reading this and feeling the same, I jus want you to know that 15 years ago, I was you.. I was as despairing as you may be of ever being free, but there IS still hope even though it may not feel that way.

Of course, this has been just my own unique journey of recovery, everyone’s will be different and I don’t claim to speak for all survivors. But if any others who have been through similar would like to add their musings or ask for support, it’d be great to hear from you.

[Iambloodystarving]

What a wonderful gift you are giving some women tonight OP. That is a very thoughtful and generous post.

[Timeforsinging81]

It's 3 months since I left my home due to DA so I'm still in the early stages. I'd like to join your thread for some chat and perhaps some tips for recovery.

I've surprised myself with how well I'm coping so far, mentally, but I'm aware that this might not last and being awake at this time of night isn't a good sign!

Although I've got good family support I'm finding it hard with the lack of communication from most of my friends. I think they just don't know what to say and I've moved away so can't see them as often. Feeling out of the loop and a bit forgotten. And I also don't know if they believe me and think I'm exaggerating what I'm alleging.

My message to anyone still in an abusive relationship is to take a leap of faith and start making small steps towards leaving. You may find, like I did, that the things you think are barriers to leaving are not barriers after all. And it might turn out to be easier than you thought after all

[todayisnottuesday]

Just another couple of things I wanted to say - it’s not just me who has changed in that time, but society and attitudes too. Just maybe, we are getting there slowly.

25 years ago, I was lying on a trolley in a and e with my young baby on my lap after being beaten and attacked with a lamp. I remember the doctor saying to tell my husband not to use objects to beat me with. His Mum saying how she’d told him not to hit me THAT hard. His Mum, that doctor and me - not one of us saw just how wrong those comments were. We didn’t even know they were wrong at all’ And looking back - I still wonder who those comments were intended to protect -!me from death, my child from losing his Mum or my ex from prosecution. Sadly, I suspect the latter.

Secondly, I still remember the first ever time I was physically attacked by him, when I was 7 months pregnant with his child. Rightly (I now know) I was outraged at what he had done. That didn’t last though - it only took a few comments of ‘what had I said/done to make him do that/ it takes two to make me realise it was my fault and not his. And there was the trap that kept me there for so many more years - it was my fault, and therefore I could stop it all if I could just find the ‘right way’ to behave. But anyway, I was a bad person for causing it all, and deserved it. If I cried at some of the things he said to me, it was because I was too sensitive. If he broke things or kicked off in front of the children - my fault for winding him up. Got angry at him disappearing for a few days? Not allowed - my fault for being too controlling. Upset at having no money for food/nappies - my fault for thinking that was his responsibility and only wanting him for his money. In hindsight, seeing just how much this narrative suited him and how blind I was to that, well - it just takes my breath away. But that of course had its reasons, after all it wasn’t just him gaslighting me but society too. And that takes a toll on any rational thinking and perspective.

But we’ve gone from that to an increasing awareness of victim blaming, Coercive control as the basis of abuse and the abuser always being responsible for the abuse. And that needs to continue. There is no place for the murder of 2 women a week and 1 in 4 women experiencing abuse in a civilised society, and for every few years we perpetuate the myth that abuse is ever acceptable, we create another generation where it will happen and be tolerated.

[todayisnottuesday]

Thank you lambbloodystarving. Though I’d like to, I’ve never felt able to take an active role in helping other women through what I went through, even now I don’t feel I could ever be impartial enough to be any help. But I still feel a sense of duty in that respect, and even if my posts help just one person it was worth it.

Timeforsinging81 well done, you’ve already taken the biggest and bravest step, so even if there are tough times ahead you’ve already proved you are strong enough to get through them.

I’m glad you have good family support, but I hear you Re your friends. IME in the early days, some friends sat on the fence or refrained from commenting in case I went back to him and their real feelings made things awkward. But some were apologists or even abusers themselves. As my self worth improved, so did my ability to recognise and remove toxic people from my circle of friends without seeing their attitudes as my doing. These days I have less friends but true ones.

I so agree with your last paragraph, I’ve found that in reality, very few things were as impossible or difficult to cope with as I had feared, and this is certainly true of my decision to leave him. I have never spent a minute regretting my decision, but many thanking God (not a real one but a figure of speech) that I found the courage to get and stay away from him. And repeat my mistake in the following years (though I almost dud fall into that trap).
*

[todayisnottuesday]

Forgot to say - my tips for recovery would be talk, keep talking and don’t bottle anything up no matter how hard that is. Keep a diary and write everything down - not only does it help to vent, you will be able to look back at them and see just how far you’ve come, even when you feel you have made ho progress you will have done. Be kind to yourself, take a day at a time and the rest will fall into place eventually. And be aware that when you are at your most vulnerable is when other toxic people will strike, though your ability to recognise them as such will still be very compromised. I found abusers come in many different forms, and made the mistake of thinking all those who were very different, even the opposite of my ex must be decent people. Not true. Also - that feeling an ‘instant connection’ to someone is a good thing, it’s usually the opposite IMHO.

[Scarsthelot]

Hi op. I am 4 years post leaving. Not divorced waiting for the 5 year mark.

Not sure why I am joining. My marriage wasnt violent until the end. The control looking back was unbelievable. I realised what was happening in my 30s. Started make steps to not be controlled. The emotional abuse got worse. He followed me, linked my phone to the laptop to track me, accused me of cheating, went through my receipts etc. Then when it was obvious I was done. He raped me. After i left i realised he had been sexually assault me for years. In my sleep. We had sex because he would be awful if we didnt. I didnt have friends of go out fro the same reason.

I met a friend at work. He hated her. He blames her for me leaving. My one saving grace was my career. It helped me get out. My friend let me sleep on her sofa for 9 months.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. The ptsd. I coukdnt prove anything so he got access to the kids. My teenage daughter then stopped speaking to me. He isolated her. Told her I didnt love her and I was a liar. I spent a fortune on legal consultations. The advice was I could pursue forcing her to see me. But even if a court rules in my favour, no one would force her to see me and it would isolate her further. Now we have a good relationship, but she still doesnt believe me.

My parents sided with him. Even after I told them about the rape. Mum said it wasnt worth splitting the family up for. But then she abused me, most of my childhood and my dad just stood by then. Just like he stood by while she told me, I was over reacting by leaving.

I have a home, my kids, my career. I also have a dp who I adore. I met him soon after i left but refused to go anywhere near. For obvious reasons. He understood and became one of my best friends instead. He helped me move I to my house. Decorate the kids bedrooms. He even rented somewhere nearby as i was scared to be alone. We got together about a year ago. I asked him why he hung around. He just said that he wanted to be around me even if it went nowhere. Just being in ny life was enough and he never met someone he would prefer to spend time with over me. He never pressured me. Was just a genuine friend for a long time.

The friend from work has been a rock. Her mum has adopted me.

For the first time in my life, I have people I know I could call at 2am and they would come.when something good or bad happens, I have people who would be genuinely happy for me. Support me when it's hard.

At my first counselling session my best friend came and sat outside waiting for me.

I dont have the family I am related to. But I have family.

At work i am successful, strong in control. No one knows what I went through. Though a couple suspect. A few of us were messing about and one man came up and made me jump. The way I flinched shocked him and me. I went outside and cried. Not because he scares me that much. But that my reaction was so pronounced. I could see by the look in his eyes, he knew. He was very apologetic and he is generally lovely. But its hard, knowing that he knows.

[everythingbackbutyou]

I would love to join! After 20 years of marriage I instigated a separation in November and am still coming out of the FOG. I have 3 children and they gave me the strength to take the leap of faith, once I realised how their own relationships may turn out if I stayed. I have also realised I have so much venting to do!

[todayisnottuesday]

Hi Scarsthelot - I'm pleased you many to get away too. It's a long road though eh - my startle reflex is also still way over the top and I too find it embarrassing at times. I relate to how strong and control you mention being at work in contrast to with your ex. Most women I know who have suffered DA are, on the surface, the last people you'd think would put up with it. And with me there was always the irony that I would never have tolerated that sort of stuff from anyone else, but I did him. Maybe that's the challenge for abusers? I'm pleased you have supportive friends, I class my friends as my family now too (apart from the DC's).

everythingbackbutyou - well done for getting away, it takes a lot of courage but is so worth it. And vent away, we keep so many things left unsaid when in a relationship like that and so much anger bottled up, but it still needs saying.

[Scarsthelot]

Maybe that's the challenge for abusers? I'm pleased you have supportive friends, I class my friends as my family now too (apart from the DC's).

I have wondered this. I have never had a healthy relationship, until now. I had counselling alot of it, so feel sure this relationship is healthy.

But looking back, man were always attracted to hoe strong I was and how i didnt take their bullshit. The minute a relationship started they then tried to break me and want me to put up with their bullshit. Why? Why change what attracted you in the first place?

Exh was so much better at it. Really seemed to support me, with the problems with my family. It was so subtle, it took years to see it.

[todayisnottuesday]

That's the thing when the abuse is more control/ psychological isn't it - it's so insidious, you just don't see it until it's too late. They are certainly masters at what they do, that's for sure. I've always classed myself as strong and no ones fool but with him it was so different. I've never got why some men seek to destroy the thing that attracted them to you in the first place either. Maybe a challenge, or maybe they start to see that strength as a threat?

It's not clear in my PP's as I didn't want to complicate it but my relationship with EXH wasn't my first abusive relationship, it was my second. I went from a 4 year relationship that was physically very violent, to one that was more controlling and mentally abusive. But I've always said - the first was more brutal but the second damaged me way more, and trapped me for way longer. It's not as easy to deny it's abuse when you look in the mirror and have two black eyes, and I think that it why I managed to escape that one more quickly. After narrowly avoiding a 3rd abusive relationship, I decided to take a step back from relationships completely and stay single until all my DC's are adults at least. Trouble is, I've found I enjoy being single so much that I'm not sure I would ever want to be with anyone else. I'm pleased you have found a healthy relationship though - maybe one day, I will too - never say never after all!

[Stronger76]

OP I'm 10 years in too.

Sometimes things have been as bad as I thought they would be. Times when I've dispaired whether or not I'd done the right thing. I left with no job, no money and had to borrow rent and deposit money. I've doubted myself, my ex has continued to abuse me via the kids (only sees them twice a year), financially via CMS and continues to threaten me and my future.

However, I've learned a lot about myself. I've had the support of a hugely empowering solicitor who encouraged me to do so much of the legal legwork myself to save money - and apply for a specific issues order by myself. I've had access (via work) to an incredible counsellor who has shown me ways to reframe stuff.

I've gone from unemployed through truly shitty jobs, to getting new qualifications and now, actually, a career rather than 'just a housewife' - nothing wrong with that, other than he used it to control my financial, physical and emotional freedom.

Would I do it all again? Leaving my marriage was the most difficult decision I've ever made but yes, I was bitterly unhappy and not functioning as a normal human most days, never mind a good parent. If I could go back ten years I'd tell myself to go for it. If I could go back 15 I'd say don't wait another 5 years to leave, it won't get better.

Only look back to see how far you've come.

[DollyRose]

One day I hope this will be me

[Reasonstostayalive]

I don't see my abuse as being as awful as some of what I have read today but I know two years down the line I am still minimising it. I am still scared of him and I am only now, almost two years to the day when I reported him, mourning the loss of the life I thought I had and the person I once was and the man I first met. It took a catastrophic event to make me leave and I am still suffering the physical and mental effects.
But, and this is the crux for me, my children are no longer scared. And that is all that matters. I will deal with my PTSD in time. I will, eventually not be scared of him, but ultimately my children will be less damaged.
This is the most inspiring yet heartbreaking thread. I wish I had this two years ago. You are all incredible.

[Isadora2007]

You are included in that incredibleness @Reasonstostayalive
Youve made that first step and you are on the road to recovery yourself so don’t minimise that strength you have.

[user1493413286]

I hope threads like these help people see that it does get better and it will be ok. When I was stuck in an abusive relationship I was made to feel that I would never have or deserve better, the abuse was my fault. no one would ever love me more and if I left I’d be alone with no hope of a family or happy future. Not long after I left I met a woman who spoke to me about a similar experience but had then gone on to have healthy relationships and her own family. I wish that for anyone going through abuse or wanting to leave that they know that they can have a happy future; it’s hard work and I think that relationship has changed me forever but not all of those changes are bad and I’ve been able to form a healthy relationship and have a family where no one is frightened

[StillSmallVoice]

Fifteen years for me. I would like to keep up with this thread, but it's bedtime right now.

[IdontGetIt29]

It took so many years to find myself again, and when I did I found I was not the same person I was before the abuse. However, I no longer mourn that as in many ways I am a much better person. It’s damaged me in some ways, but also benefitted me in others. I have gone from being a shell of a person to one who has now has confidence, ambition and a stable, fulfilling life. There are still dark days and regrets even now, but the good far outweigh the bad, and I now finally have back the most valuable thing you can possess - peace of mind

In hindsight, I wrongly believed that it would all be uphill after I finally found the strength to get and stay away, but it’s not like that. In reality, I have been through some of my darkest moments since I left. Sadly, you don’t see level of damage it has done or begin to heal until the mist clears and that takes quite some time.

Well done for what you have acheived. Escaping my abuser is one of my proudest acheivements

Its been nearly 3 years for me, I have the law on my side and he isnt allowed to contact me or the children, they are only 5 & 3.

I am awaiting CBT as my counsellor thinks i have PTSD. I struggle now not to be angry at myself. Who i am now? I needed her years ago, my children needed her, i get mad at myself for that. I am so much stronger and confidenter than i ever was, i understand that he made me weak but i still get cross i "allowed" it. I am not a weak person and wasnt before i met him

I am proud i moved away and started again for the kids. But i am also resentful. I had to leave my hometown and start again in a random town the council placed us in. Miles and miles away from home. Id never heard of the area and didnt know a soul. Itbwas terrifying

Ive built us a nice life here, i am proud of what i have acheived but at the same time i am sad i do not have the friendships i would of had had i stayed in my hometown and my children, right now my DD could of been at school with my childhood friends children. Instead shes at a school where children have grown up together and she hasnt.

I thought when i left that would be it. I didnt realise i would be become too paranoid to tell my old friends where i had moved incase he somehow found out

I didnt realise id have nightmares, i didnt realise the different type of lonliness i would feel. I didnt realise that this many years down the line it would bother me what he did

The positives far outweight the negatives and my children dont see me getting hit anymore, they dont remember their old life, all they know is this life and it is a good life i am proud of what i have acheived for them so far, they have a peaceful life and hopefully whatbwent on wont have affected them

But i am still really sad that it had to be lije this,

Ive been in hostel & temporay housing since i left him, i am only just getting my permenant home next month. We have been in limbo since we left him,

I am hoping when we move i will feel better because i chose the house and chose to stay in this area, im hoping that the fact its now my choice to live here ( and the fact we can decorate new house) instead of just being randomly put here, im hoping that will help my frame of mind

[todayisnottuesday]

Thank you all for your posts.

DollyRose - It will be you too . I think leaving is a process, not just an action, and it sounds like you've already taken a fair few of those steps - you've recognised it's abusive - that's a HUGE step. You've also recognised you need to get away, another mqassive step. It's these little steps most of us will have started with, we got there and so will you. We all care, lots of people care and that's because we know you are worth a safe and abuse free life even if you don't quite believe that yet.


Only look back to see how far you've come.

@Stronger76 Exactly that - there is always progress, it. may be the tiniest thing, but no matter how small, that progress can give a tiny bit of hope where there was none, a tiny bit of your destroyed self-esteem back. When I finally had counselling, the best advice I had was to start making lists, tiny little things sometimes, but ticking them off gave me back what I had lost - any sense of control over my own destiny, and any kind of future I could actually create rather than just exist, survive and be at the mercy of someone else moods and and behaviour. I started with the tiniest little things, sometimes even - get through the day or even hour. These days on the list are all the things I wanted to do before he stole my hopes and my ambitions (by making EVERYTHING about him) - steps towards finishing my degree, studying, planning things with the DC's still at home. It's actually way too bloody long and of course, a lot of it is stuff I'd rather not do! But .... its the list of a person with plans, hopes and most importantly the confidence that I am able to achieve them, and even if I don't, it was worth the attempt, there will be wisdom gained from it and a Plan B if I choose one. Back then - plan a lovely holiday? He'd find SOMETHING to complain about and ruin it? Night out with him? Same again. With my friends? Not worth the grief he would give me about it.

Things I found extra difficult about having joint DC 's were not being able to go completely no contact - it was only once I did this that I realised how big an effect the tiniest communication from him could affect me and my ability to detach. Then of course, them using contact and maintenance/ money to continue their control. Probably the worst part, and it angers me just how much the benefits system, CMS, CAFCASS/ the courts etc enable this. TBH, we barely ever lived above subsistence level even before we split as he was financially abusive and was (unknown to me at the time) feeding an expensive addiction (cocaine). But after, there were some desperate times and we struggled even though I worked part time. But actually, another thing that surprised me was how unbothered I was at some of the 'luxuries' we couldn't replace (tumble drier, toaster (!), dishwasher, even a TV for a few months). That said, losing our home after a few years was bloody hard - especially my DC's losing that security,, but again, not quite as bad as I thought - we got through it somehow and now being settled is something we all know the true value of, and enjoy all the more because of that.

IdontGetIt29 - yes, that feeling of limbo seems like it will last forever, but it will end. Feeling and getting settled again is stressful and will take a while. I thought I'd never get through it all, but last Christmas I looked around at the little home we've created, that is secure and safe and cried with relief and gratitude for it. That will be you and your family too before long .

Reasonstostayalive you most definitely are included in all that incredibleness! A big reason I stayed so long second time was as I minimised things, and my eventual reason for going was also a massive thing. But you know, I got there - I got away and so have you, and that's the most important thing

[todayisnottuesday]

I didnt realise that this many years down the line it would bother me what he did

Was having a re-read now DC's are asleep and this in particular resonated. Same here and yes, it's tough. Also tough is knowing (for me anyway), I'll never be truly recovered, recovery will always be a work in progress. I may have come a long way, but the nightmares, depression, PTSD - I'll need to work at keeping those at bay for the rest of my life. The anger at myself though - that did subside, but it took a long time, learning to stop judging myself so much more harshly than others and how much doing so damaged my self worth even more.

But - I can sit here now and feel safe in my own home, I'm not desperately rushing around trying to make sure everything is tidy and perfect and the DC's quiet so he won't kick off. Watching what I say, what looks I may give, I can name my emotions, know and accept exactly who I am. Life is hard still, of course, but still unmeasurably better than the soulless, fearful shell of a person I was back then. And as you say, it is one of my proudest achievements too.

[Wherearemyminions]

Great thread, thank you for starting. Will come back and post in the morning as it's started a lot of thoughts off and need to sleep on it first.
for you all

[IdontGetIt29]

I am looking forward to Christmas this year for that reason. I hold a lot of guilt that my babies 1st birthday was in a cockroach infested hostel and his and DDs following birthdays and xmas were in temporary housing. I am looking forward to celebrating family occasions with our own roof over our heads and our own furniture.

I am trying not to let it bother me as its not a big deal in thr grand scheme of things but now i am moving next month i am angry o had to leave all of my furniture. I literally own no furniture now and have to start again from scratch. That has bothered me recently although i try not to let it because it is done

How did you learn to stop judging yourself? I am my own worst enemy, no one is unkind to me about my past but myself. Its strange, im not mad at my past self, i feel sorry for her, she was in so deep, i am mad at my present self. I should of protected myself.

Last year my neighbour was screaming and crying and i could hear banging and a man shouting too. I was shaking with adrenline and without thinking i just went round to help her, he got off her when i walked in her house and then proceeded to smash her window, kick her door with us trying to shut it and then run away whilst i was calling the police. The thought of doing that now gives me the shakes but i am so proud of myself for that because that is who i am, i am brave and i have always helped people if i could, before him i did kickboxing for 8 years, i was very confident in my abilities to protect myself

But put a 5'2 9st woman against a 6'2 15st man and she has no chance

I dont think i will ever stop being angry at myself because i am not who he said i was and i am not the things he said i was either, so why did i believe him?

DC's quiet so he won't kick off. Watching what I say, what looks I may give The last time he attacked me was because id snapped and asked him to help me with the crying children instead of complaining about it, it was always a panic to try and quickly comfort a crying child so he didnt get mad

Apparently i used to pull all sorts of gaces at him, maybe i did, who knows. But everyone who knows me now thinks im very hardfaced, people often cannot tell im joking or not unless they know me very well and i think thats because after 7 tears of being trained to talk and look a certain way it has carried on with me

Dont laugh at that joke, he might think you fancy them, dont smile too much around your family, hell say you enjoy them more than him and will start, dont show your upset, that will only make him angry

Some says are better than others but some days is like he is here

In the big scheme of things we "won" i have spent the last nearly 3 years with my children, we love each other very much, he isnt allowed to contact them at all, that speaks volumes in itself

He doesnt know where we are and if he ever found out and came for us he would go to prison

Whilst we were together he spent his time drinking and taking cocaine, a lot of his friends/family had children the same age as ours,

He suffers now. He is lonely now, he has no family to go to at night. He has no one to spend christmas and birthdays with. His facebook will be full of his friends doing things with their families, he night have his drugs and his drink and his pub friends but he has no real friends.

He attacked me in July and it was in Court by November, it was my DS first birthday a few weeks later, EXs bday is xmas eve and DDs birthday is January. Also our first born died 2 hours after he was born and he was born in March. So from november till march is a depressing time for him too as it is all special occasions ( he was very big on pretending to be a good dad when he had an audiance or an occasion to show off for)

We definetly came out better in the long run, i would not trade lives with him. But it is just so sad that this is how life was meant to be. But my own family is dysfunctional too so i truly believe i was meant to be in this town so my children can grow up normal and safe and so will my grandchildren etc. Its silly but i look at it like i have saved the rest of my family and the following generations,

His life and behaviour is normal to him and his family. His dad beat his mum and the kids for years, his sister married the man who beats her, 1 of his brothers was in court for smothering the mother of his children, they will all carry that on into their families, I wont with mine and that makes me so happy, my mum was violent and i just want a normal life for my kids

[IdontGetIt29]

Sorry that was far longer than i expected

Its like vomit once you start talking about it i think, loads of memories and feelings pop up. Sorry that is so long

[HDDD]

This is the most inspirational and helpful thread I've read on here. I may come back and share my story. Well done to all that have and showed there is a way out.

[Shadow01]

Can I join?
I’m just over 2 years free from 18 years of abuse starting as a groomed teenager. It’s all I known all my adult life and I’m really struggling with knowing how to live without that level of control.

[labyrinth]

3.5 months free from a massively controlling relationship with some violence. Social services have deemed him to not be a risk to the children (or me) so I see him at least 3 times a week. When I met him I had my own home, car, job and money. I was independent and confident. Having left him I am on universal credit, in a rented home, with no job and no career prospects, 2 children who don't understand why we dont live there any more and why we can't have nice things. I feel utterly broken. But I am free! The rest will come in time