Should I be bothered?

[AmIadaftmug]

NC, the usual drill.

As a very brief background, DP is very good to me. Never cheated, never unkind, always caring and generous. Been together 4 years, live together etc.

He started a new job about a year ago - his first proper job since leaving uni. It’s soon become apparent that there is a heavy pub and drinking culture at this company. Mid-week drinks at pubs, full day benders for birthdays and work do’s. Prior to joining the team, DP wasn’t a heavy drinker at all.

Anyway, he’s never back extremely late or anything - usually 11pm or midnight latest. It’s just, these mid-week drinking sessions are becoming very frequent. The other night I was wondering where he was, about to get dinner ready, when he texted to say he forgot to tell me he was having a drink with his colleague after work so would be a little late (he got home at 7pm so nothing shocking). Tonight, said he’d be back about 10, but earlier on said it’d be about midnight now.

So... I’m not really bothered, overall. I feel maybe a bit envious of him going out having fun with his colleagues while I’m stuck here at home bored. I kind of feel like it’s strange for there to be so many of these drink-nights with colleagues. Is it normal? Should I be more bothered?

[Fidgety31]

Instead of sitting at home pining for him, maybe try going out with your friends too? Or take up a sport /hobby

[TashieWoo]

I think it depends on the job and your location (how easy it is to get home at night), but yes it is quite normal, especially as presumably he’s quite young. He isn’t lying to you and saying he’ll be back and then not coming home. Would it be possible for you to meet friends mid week as well?

[AmIadaftmug]

Haha I agree, I do need a hobby!

Don’t get me wrong, I go on my own work dos. They’re just not half as frequent as his.

[AmIadaftmug]

@TashieWoo

It takes him about an hour on the train where he works.

No, he’s never lied to me about it.

I suppose it’s a difference in workplace culture - my colleagues would never dream of mid-week drinking! I think his colleagues are stupid to want to get hammered on a weeknight, personally.

[Thestrangestthing]

Do none of these cleagues have families to get home to?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Get yourself out and about.
Stop waiting around for him.
Have a look on meetup.com and your local FB page to see what's going on.

[StayCommitted]

I actually agree that it might be good for you to find things to do so that you aren't always waiting around on him - but it might also be good to agree on specific days (even if it's just one) that you both commit to not going out after work and spending quality time together?

[Bluntness100]

I also think some personal responsibility here. It's not his job to entertain you because you're sitting at home bored. Go out and do something if you are.

[Musti]

Could you start doing stuff together as well as separately in the evenings? Just going home every night when you don't have kids is also a bit boring? Pre kids I would fo our with and without my do, or we would go and play badminton or have friends round or go to friends. It was a lot of fun and it made our evenings of just chilling together more special.

[Musti]

*pre.kids I would go out with or without my DP that should say!

[AmIadaftmug]

Well, it’s less about me being bored at home, and more about whether it’s normal for work colleagues to be out drinking quite late at night through the work week - but the general consensus is that it is, so there’s my answer!

As I said, it’s not the done thing amongst staff at my workplace, so.

Thanks for the responses

[hellsbellsmelons]

Nor mine OP!
We probably go out twice a year!

[Thestrangestthing]

No I don't think it is normal OP, and the answer is not for you to go and busy yourself every night while he is out drinking. Lhe doesn't have a responsibility to entertain his colleagues through the week either. The problem is he is choosing them over you.. Most people on MN wouldn't be happy with this situation if it was them living it, but MN can be a strange place at times.

[category12]

I think it's an unusual culture for a workplace these days - what industry is it?

[MashedSpud]

Don’t have kids with him. He won’t be around enough for them and you’ll end up doing the majority of parenting.

[Shakespearian55]

Is it normal? Should I be more bothered?

It's totally normal where I work. Usually go out for midweek drinks after meetings two or three times a week. I think that, as long as you're not being left home alone with children to look after, it's fine.

Do none of these cleagues have families to get home to?

Of the people who I drink with from work midweek, some of us are single, some of us have partners but no children, some have grown up children, and some have young children. The latter tend to come less frequently, but they are still allowed out of the house. OP doesn't say it is always the exact same colleagues who her DP is drinking with.

[BigFatLiar]

This was the norm when I started but it was a routine you opted into. It was easy enough to simply go back to work after a drink and a meal if it was lunchtime or simply opting out if it was after work (after work tended to be a few drinks and a curry). Not a big problem if you're single but the married people tended to opt out of evenings.

If its a new job he may be trying to fit in. He needs to understand he doesn't need to be one of the lads. People will, if they have any semblance of normality, accept that he wants to go home to his wife. It could become an issue if your partner starts to become a heavy drinker.

You could suggest that instead of going for a session with his colleagues he could come home and take you for a meal and a drink.

[BigFatLiar]

I hope getting to/from work doesn't involve driving.

[StayCommitted]

I feel like it's more common in certain industry (tech, finance, etc) or if the majority of people in the office are still youngish/don't have kids!

[Bluntness100]

In a young group it can be very normal indeed op. When I was in my twenties we did this. It wasn't formal work dos, we would all just go out. Twenty odd years later I don't, but then, yes, totally.

[Bluntness100]

He needs to understand he doesn't need to be one of the lads

That's really patronising. What makes you think it's all men? Or that he doesn't enjoy it he only does it to fit in? The op has said nothing to signal this.

[AmIadaftmug]

@Thestrangestthing

Agreed about it not being his responsibility to entertain his colleagues.

@BigFatLiar

I do think it’s a lot to do with trying to fit in - he’s definitely trying to be one of the lads (it’s a very laddish work environment!). But I dunno, I’m sure they wouldn’t be horrified if he turned down one or two nights. Mainly because he doesn’t live locally like they do.

And no, he never drinks and drives! x

[Bluntness100]

If he only does this once or twice a week on average outwith birthdays etc, I'm really not seeing the issue here op. He can still go out with you at other times.

It's clear you resent it though. I'm fairly sure if the genders were reversed you'd get your arse handed to you for being controlling.

[eminencegrise]

I'd be very bothered about my partner sliding into alcoholism. I learned the hard way that heavy drinking is a dealbreaker.

[AmIadaftmug]

@Bluntness100

I haven’t really said anything to him about it - I wouldn’t tell him not to go out. That’s why I wanted to know whether I should be talking to him about it or not x