Excuses or perception?

[Ritascornershop]

For me this is it, I definitely can’t deal with this, but I’m wondering if this would be a generally held opinion?

The guy I’ve been seeing started stalking my Instagram account. I enjoy photography,
taking and viewing photos - of interiors, landscapes, food, that sort of thing. People write captions below their photos and sometimes I comment - either because something they said sparks a thought, or because I think maybe they’ll look at my photos (& I appreciate feedback), or because commenting means the algorithm will bring their photos to the top of my feed.

He got it into his head that I was “pursuing” guys on Instagram. Massive eyeroll from me as that was/is the last thing on my mind. He’d go to accounts I follow and if I made a comment on a man’s account (it barely registers with me whether or not account holders are male or female) he’d start worrying about it. We’ve had two blowouts about it and after the first I thought he’d wrapped his head around how innocent it is and that so long as I wasn’t being flirty or trying to meet anyone irl it was fine.

But no! Yesterday, it turns out, he’d been looking for evidence again and had found that I’d commented (one of well over a hundred comments on a popular account) that I was sorry a photographer he left our region as we (people who follow him) would miss seeing our region through his lens, and I hoped he and his girlfriend enjoyed their new locale. Totally inconsequential to me, when grilled I couldn’t even remember the insta-name of the guy. And the photographer guy appears to be around the age of one of my kids by the way, so not someone (for a myriad of reasons) I’d consider in that way. Besides which, as I’ve told guy I was seeing, when I’m with someone I’m not fishing around for other men.

Anyway, guy I was seeing (can’t do this anymore so have ended it) said I was “going after”, “pursuing this guy”, “flirting with”, etc etc. And it really really rattled me. I feel policed, misunderstood, accused ... all kinds of hurtful things.

My question being - is he wildly unreasonable? I feel he is, but would anyone find it worrying if their partner commented on peoples’ photography accounts? Or cat accounts? Or recipe accounts or whatever? I never follow people who put themselves in the photos as I don’t want to see some stranger ruining the view, so I barely know what this young guy looks like. It’s just all so weird and confusing to me. I’ve never had anyone jealous of me and I hate it and can’t be dealing with it.

[Ritascornershop]

Sorry its a bit long - I was really in love, I just adored this guy and thought this was going to be my forever person. We’d been friends for a long time. But this makes me so anxious, I just can’t deal with it. He’s also way more depressed than I realized (& that he’s currently ready to admit).

[Shoxfordian]

He sounds like he's a jealous possessive idiot. Huge red flag.

Dump him.

[Ritascornershop]

Thanks Shox!! That’s what I thought too, but he’s got some great qualities and I’ve known him forever and he’s sure I’m being naive and every guy on Instagram is viewing every comment from a woman as an overture and I’ll be tricked into “connecting” with some stranger.

It was doing my head in so I had to call it a day. It’s just such a shame as I really did love him. His perception of this is so wildly off base it comes across as delusional to me. I can’t live in a ghastly narrative like that. And it really hurts that he thinks (in between apologizing) I’d be “going after” some stranger on the internet. I mean, wtaf?

[crappyday2018]

He IS wildly unreasonable and you know it. He is obsessive and jealous. How long have you been seeing him?
Its a known fact that many people who obsess about their partner cheating is actually a projection of their own behaviour!

[MaeveDidIt]

Insecure guys are a massive turn-off.
If he is so touchy about this sort of thing what else are you going to be accused of in other areas in the future I wonder.

[Ritascornershop]

Crappyday, I’ve known him for years, have been seeing him a while (don’t want to put myself w too much detail).

It feels so controlling! I told him that I can’t worry that every action will be wildly misinterpreted as I’ve btdt (without the jealousy, just every other shitty form of behaviour) with my kids’ dad (exh). He’s convinced he’s right (95% of the time both times it’s come up, the other 5% is spent apologizing and saying “I’m an idiot, I’m so sorry”.)

[brookelopez]

you did the right thing by ending it. he would have got worse and you'd always be defending innocent things.

[Ritascornershop]

Maeve, it is a massive turn off!! Definitely. And ya, having been married to a first class arsehole I have zero desire to go that route again. It does hurt though, he can also be really sweet and thoughtful and generous. He looks good and smells good, but he doesn’t seem to enjoy anything much lately and while I get depressed I do my best to get out and remember that “everything’s shit” is my mood, not reality.

[Ritascornershop]

Thanks Brooke. It’s such a shame, I know I’d make someone a great partner, I’m easy-going, I enjoy simple things, but I just have no luck w men. Generally they don’t know I’m alive and the few who do turn into monsters. I thought this was foolproof as we’ve got on great for years till he dreamed this up. And that he’s been spending time looking at the accounts of male photographers I follow, waiting for me to comment!! Ffs.

[EileenAlanna]

Whatever good qualities he has they don't outweigh these really, really bad ones. As someone with very long term depression, currently in a bad downward spiral & out of tablets for the past few weeks & too down to contact my GP, I'd also say depression alone is unlikely to account for his behaviour.
He's one of those He's perfect except for.... men that we too often invest too many years & emotional commitment to before realising the except for bit won't ever change, & he's definitely not perfect for us.

[Ritascornershop]

Eileen, I should clip that our & carry it around with me, that no good qualities make up for this behaviour. The two times this has happened he won’t look me in the eye, just rants while staring off into the distance. It’s like he’s an entirely different person than the lovely person I’ve known for years.

But it’s deeply unsettling being accused of trying to cheat when I’ve done nothing of the kind. I am beginning to wonder of all men hate women (who aren’t their mums - I have one of each and my son loves me to bits but for all I know may be a secret nightmare boyfriend).

[Ritascornershop]

And thanks for replying Eileen whilst you’re feeling awful. I have depression too, am trying to find CBT, so I know what a slog it is.

[Ritascornershop]

I’m just so damn lonely though - but clinging to the faint ray of light that is me having boundaries at last.

The likelihood of me ever having a partner is like spotting a unicorn down the bottom of the garden - ain’t going to happen. But at least I won’t be accused of stuff I haven’t done and that it would never cross my mind to do.

[tisamadworld]

that's a big red flag imo. I feel bad for him thinking about how many people he has/will push away with that behaviour. Sad for you as well but hopefully someone more suitable for you comes along asap.

[Ritascornershop]

Thanks Tis, I feel a bit bad for him too, but it’s all a problem in his own head. It’s like How to Fuck Up a Lovely Thing 101.

I know I won’t meet anyone. If it was going to happen it would have happened when I was younger and happier and more attractive (physically and emotionally). I’ve been divorced nearly 15 years and this has been it. Clearly I’m not swamped with choice. I think having hope was part of what got me depressed in the first place. Waiting and looking and hoping to meet someone ... it’s soul destroying. After this disaster it’s time to face up to my fate and try to be content with being alone.

[EileenAlanna]

Lol no problem, OP. I've learned over the years when & how to just settle down in my safe comfy shell & ride it out.
I agree with what you said about the nebulous hope of a relationship sometime can be as big a problem as anything else when you're depressed.
I stopped looking or expecting one many years ago (in my sixties now) & I'm much happier & contented in my life than I've ever been, really.
A good, loving, respectful, life-long relationship with a man would've been lovely but that didn't my way, only men I couldn't compromise for to the extent I would've had to. Don't actually know if that mythical beast actually exists outside of romcoms & fairy tales - I've been married twice & neither was even a Prince Charming understudy.
Being alone & happy can be glorious if it's something you actively embrace.

[Ritascornershop]

I do know some people who have a partnership that is happy for the greater part of the time. The man said that he knows no-one who’s happy so it feels a bit like he dreaded it going wrong so sabotaged it.

I’ve always wanted a partner, a nice guy, and so far have chosen badly (when I’ve had a choice). I think it’s innate in me, but I’m absolutely going to figure out how to shut that part of me down and find something to like about being on my own. It all feels fairly pointless, not sharing a life, but as you said, I need to ride it out.

[Alfiemoon1]

massive red flag that would probably only get worse something only he can fix but he has to realise he has a problem and that his behaviour isn’t normal or acceptable

[Ritascornershop]

He kept saying he “didn’t understand” why I’d want to “connect” with people online. As if I should get 100% of my emotional needs from him, including idle chit-chat (which is all Instagram is to me, just passing the time of day kind of thing, it has no emotional weight for me).

I told him that he didn’t need to “understand” it (IMO there’s nothing to understand), he just needed to know me better than to think I was trying to pick up men, in different cities and countries ffs, online.

So at this point he thinks there is a problem and either I need to quit online or he needs to “shut up about it”. Not making a drama out of a non-existent thing doesn’t appear to be an option yet. It’s all so weird and pointless.

When it came up before he also felt I shouldn’t be “telling strangers” about my life and he referenced a little story I’d written about my dad’s war experience!

[Alfiemoon1]

It’s his issue you aren’t doing anything secretive or hiding anything. I had a similar issue I have a few of dh work friends on Facebook some i have met some I haven’t. I had one years ago who I never met only had a very innocent laugh publicly on Facebook an ex girlfriend of his contacted me accusing me of all sorts threatening to tell dh who was usually also on the chats. Next day she would apologise say she was mentally unwell he hurt her so much so I would try and help her. She did the to male and female friends of his then the abuse would start again so I blocked her she created fake profiles to make contact he ended up getting the police involved

[Ritascornershop]

Why do people have to be so weird? Social media sure brings it out in some people (as per your story Alfie).

Both times this has happened I look at the very public conversation and see nothing flirty and he sees it and thinks I’m “going after” these guys. One guy he was convinced I was interested in is on another continent, another was my friend’s 12 year old son (he saw I’d started following a male name’s private account and jumped to the conclusion it was because me and mystery guy had been private messaging! I showed him it was my friend’s kid, and I thought that would cure him, but no).

He kept saying friends of his had had partners cheat after meeting guys on the internet and I said “but that’s not me!”, but he seems to feel it’s inevitable (when he’s not apologizing and saying he’s a fool).

It’s over now, but it’s a shame.

[Alfiemoon1]

There is a lot of cheating on the internet and people meet via social media internet dating etc that is the modern world and people cheat but to kick off over innocent conversations that are public to me is a sign of mental health issues self esteem problems. I genuinely felt sorry for the lady she seemed broken they had split up he didn’t cheat I tried to politely say she was humiliating herself he wasn’t worth it but I wasn’t qualified to deal with her issues and I had never met the bloke or her.

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

He's controlling and abusive OP and you have definitely done the right thing by ending things. He was being completely out of order by making demands about who you follow on instagram and it is not excusable under any circumstances. The fact that you have to ask this to feel justified in your actions in leaving him are really worrying as it is so clear to me how awful he really is.

Even if you have known him for years, if you have been dating him less than a year then it's likely you are only seeing his mask slip now and when the feelings you have for him dissipate, I suspect you will be able to see his controlling nature in other aspects of the relationship.

You say your anxiety has gotten bad when with him? You know this is a huge red flag you are being abused and it's most likely been very covert up until now. Also, when you say he has depression, how did thay manifest and has he been diagnosed?

I suspect he is a narcissist as they often claim or appear to be 'depressed' but are often using that to elicit sympathy and excuse their poor treatment of you. If you are really honest with yourself, I bet you have let alot of things slide with him because of his 'depression' because that is exactly what he wants.

Also, narcs often project what they are doing onto you (and all narcs cheat) which is why it is so common that they accuse their partners of cheating. If you have been in an abusive relationship before (and have low self esteem, poor boundaries and a saviour complex) then you are very vulnerable to narcissistic abuse as you cant spot it at the time.

Has he ever claimed his ex partners cheated on him in the past or had mental health problems? Does he claim to be a victim in life generally? Have you ever caught him in outright lies or said things that dont add up? In an argument, is he unable to see your point of view and accept responsibility for his actions? Does he flip things around to being your fault in arguments (even if he initially apologises?), Does he check your phone or laptop? Does he ever insult you outright or disguised as jokes? Does he seem genuinely uninterested about things that are going well for you in life? Do you feel like you can never say or do the right thing to make him understand? Are there contradictions throughout your relationship (e.g. you cant comment on male IG accounts but he regularly comments on other female account or has female friends?), does he ever give you the silent treatment or hang up the phone on you during and argument?

These are just a few signs to look out for OP and if you have answered yes to more than a few then he's defo a narc. Either way, he was abusive and you need to learn the signs so you do not fall into another relationship like this because it is becoming a pattern for you.

I speak from bitter experience xx

[Ritascornershop]

Thanks Jaffa. I often feel I don’t know what’s normal or not, including when people at work are being awful. I’m getting better at standing up for myself, but it doesn’t come naturally (which I think difficult people can sniff out).

Much of what you describe is my exh. He was an obvious arsehole. Recent guy honestly was very sweet to me for years. He did used to lie a lot, big himself up, but for some reason I let it slide for a long time but when I did start to call him on it he totally tried to fix it. We’ve been together more than a year. He’s been a good listener and never insulted me, he’s always been my biggest cheerleader. That’s why this recent behaviour is so very upsetting, it’s like he’s developed a second personality.

Certainly recently he seems unable to understand what I’m saying about this issue. He thinks he knows my intent better than I do. The first time it happened he showed me his phone to show me he had nothing to hide and I just thought “oh, okay” & it didn’t occur to me he expected me to reciprocate as I had nothing to hide. He thought that was mighty suspicious.

I do worry that in the very unlikely event I met someone they’d turn out to be a secret monster too. I’d known this guy for years, he’s always been great, then recently he’s just changed. So I don’t trust my judgement at all. Or my luck.

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

And yes its massively shit when all you want is to find a loving partner and all you seem to attract is abusive narcissistic arseholes! This was me up until March this year and I could have written you post word for word.

What I've realised is that I'm a codependent and I have only ever dated narcissists (and was also married to one for years). Learning all I can about this has been life changing as I finally understand that all the abuse was alot more to do with them and had nothing to do with me (except that I was unable to recognise it when it was happening and therefore enabled it). I didnt know how to listen to my gut instinct and would give lame ducks way too many chances because I needed to constantly ask if I was being unreasonable (a huge sign you have been gaslit alot throughout life) which is suspect is why you posted here too?

Take a year out of dating to focus solely on healing from previous abuse and from codependency (alot of loneliness is due to this) and learning to love yourself. That is the most freeing thing of all because you will no longer crave validation from men to think you are good enough, will learn to trust your instincts and form strong boundaries which are a huge turn off for narcs so you will stop being targeted. Only then should you consider dating again. I'm 6 months into that journey and it's the best decision I've made as an adult.