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to try to save my marriage any way I can

(42 Posts)
fingernailsbitten Wed 12-Jun-19 10:13:47

DH moved out of our house a couple of months ago because he needed space and is living in a relative's empty property.
DH texted me last night to say he is not coming home. I've previously said I will do anything to improve our relationship. I am not to blam and nor is he. We've come through tought times in the past and think we can get through whatever this is.
He has not explained other than to say he does not want to be married any more. He says he is a bit happier now he does not have to worry. I don't know what he means. He is not a talker.
I suggested counselling and he said it's a waste of time. I've said I'd give him space and that I love him and miss him. He rarely answers texts. I don't want to be without him. I will compromise and work on everything if he tell me what needs to improve/change. AIBU to wait and give him as much space as he needs?

HennyPennyHorror Wed 12-Jun-19 10:22:03

Oh OP it sounds like you're in denial. For whatever reasons, he's made it clear he doesn't want to be in the marriage any longer. If he won't share the reasons and doesn't want to talk about them, then I think it's quite clear that nothing you do can save anything. I do understand this is awful for you. Very tough. Do you have children together? Have you any support in real life?

OnlineAlienator Wed 12-Jun-19 10:23:19

Sadly, it takes two...

ISmellBabies Wed 12-Jun-19 10:24:43

You haven't got a choice anymore. He's out of it and he's told you as much. The only thing left is the paperwork. You can delay that if you want, but you can't keep a marriage he clearly doesn't want to be in.

newmomof1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:26:39

You don't want to change, he doesn't want to change, he moved out and told you he isn't coming home. I think it's clear that unfortunately the relationship is over.

At least you're being civil to each other - that should make things a bit easier.

Good luck OP

Sicario Wed 12-Jun-19 10:28:01

Why would you want to be with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you?

Happyspud Wed 12-Jun-19 10:29:46

It’s not up to you unfortunately. I think it might be time to admit defeat and start looking after just yourself rather than putting your energy into him.

Bluntness100 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:32:14

Has he met someone else?

Men seldom leave unless they have somewhere else to go. Unless its really bad at home.

What were the problems you were aware of?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 12-Jun-19 10:32:34

It doesn't sound like he needs time. He's had that, and he's made his mind up. Sadly this is no longer your decision to make thanks

justanswerthephone Wed 12-Jun-19 10:32:54

I don't know what he means

He means he has left you and it is over.

I'm sorry OP but you need to face it

7yo7yo Wed 12-Jun-19 10:38:38

He’s got another woman.
That’s why he won’t discuss it.

madcatladyforever Wed 12-Jun-19 10:43:05

Dear OP I was like this when my ex left the first time. Sadly despite my best efforts he came back for a while then left again.
It really was a total waste of time and humiliating.
He doesn't want to come back. It's clear from what you said. Although you are invested in the relationship he clearly isn't. It's really hard to realise this but you can't make someone love you sadly.

MMmomDD Wed 12-Jun-19 10:43:11

OP - I am sorry, but it does sound like there isn’t anything you can do.
He had disconnected and moved on. Begging won’t save it

Mumofabeauty123 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:45:40

I really feel for you. Maybe try the "you don't realise what you had until you lost it approach". If he thinks your not bothered and are quite happy being single he might realise that actually he does want the family life back. If not then don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are hurting. Go out enjoy yourself with your friends. Xxx

stucknoue Wed 12-Jun-19 10:57:02

I'm in the same position, he wants out (I don't) but I think we don't actually have any choice, if men want to move on fighting for them just makes us look more desperate therefore less appealing

motheroffourcats Wed 12-Jun-19 10:58:34

There are no children. We (I) really wantd to be a parent but life did not work out that way.

I know he doesn't want me and it hurts like hell.

I do have family who will support me emotionally and couple of good friends.

I agree I probably am in denial because it isn't what I want.

I know you are all speaking the truth but it still hurts.

I am tired from putting so much effort in.

It doesn't help that all his stuff is still in the house. He goes in the house when i'm not home. I presume he doesn't want to face me.

Mumofabeauty123 Wed 12-Jun-19 11:00:18

I would tell him to move all his things out and leave you be. If he doesn't want you I'm sure there is somebody out there who does. Don't settle for second best you are worth more than that xxx

IM0GEN Wed 12-Jun-19 11:04:15

I’m sorry, but it’s extremely likely that he’s met someone else. You need to prepare yourself for this.

You need to put all your effort into sorting out the practical issues and building a new life for yourself.

You need to get all your paperwork together and see a solicitor. Do this sooner rather than later, before he takes money out of joint accounts or runs up bills on joint credit cards.

Call on your friends and family to help you get his stuff out of the house. Can one of them contact him to make attachments for this?

Moneybegreen Wed 12-Jun-19 11:11:46

It sounds like he's met someone else :-(

Sarahjconnor Wed 12-Jun-19 11:12:16

It's unusual for a man to move out like that, it is most likely he has had ask affair and is waiting for a 'respectable' amount of time to pass before he tells everyone about the other woman.

You need to prioritise yourself and your children and stop seeing him thru rose tinted glasses. He chose to leave and he is choosing not to come back, so it is his fault and his choice to abandon his family. He sounds self absorbed and selfish. You need to see him for what he is and move on.

Sarahjconnor Wed 12-Jun-19 11:14:02

I'm so sorry, I misread and thought you had children. You no longer need to see or have anything to do with him now. Move on, take care of yourself.

Ginkypig Wed 12-Jun-19 11:26:33

Take all that love you feel for him and turn it towards yourself. You need it and deserve it.

noone in your life is more important than yourself

Love yourself enough and believe you deserve better than to be treated badly.

It doesn't matter what the truth is, do not put yourself in a position of unhealthy compromise for the rest of your life to keep someone who if he loved you, the real you wouldn't ever put you in such a position!

I believe if there is love from both sides but that there are real issues that both of you can acknowledge and recognise and want to work on then many marriages can be turned round.

That isn't what you're describing though finger.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 12-Jun-19 12:13:34

If you don't have kids then please find your self-respect.
He's been very clear that he doesn't want to be with you any more.
Try to remain strong.
A needy clingy woman is the last thing he wants right now.
That will put him off more.
Show him you are a strong independent woman and you don't need him.
What is the housing situation?
Stop texting him.
Keep yourself busy.
Visit family and friends.
Rely on them for some love and support.
I'm sorry this has happened but stop begging.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 12-Jun-19 12:18:22

Sorry, but I agree with everyone else.

There is no point in you putting any more energy into trying to 'save' something that no longer exists.

He's out. He's told you this quite clearly (although I appreciate it is a horrible thing to hear).

I also think he's met someone else.

Bag his stuff up and get it out of your eyesight. You need to start moving on; yes it will take a while but you need to let go of him. Sorry. flowers

RomanyQueen Wed 12-Jun-19 12:27:30

Oh my love, there's nothing to fight to save, he's gone.
There might be someone else, there probably is unless you were both very unhappy.
He needs to collect his stuff and you need to move on.

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