Partner using anonymous chat room

[cantbelievethis567]

Hi, I never thought I'd be writing this.

Tonight I found out my DP of 4 years is using an online anonymous chat site and I just don't know what to think.

I found out as he had accidentally taken a screenshot of his chatboard on it on an incognito tab.
The chats were things like "bi girls" "London" "fetishes" "thicc girls" and I know there were more just not in the screenshot. He also had 7 private chats I couldn't see.

So I logged on to it on his phone and everything was gone. I assume he deletes it after using it each time just in case.

He admitted he had a few fetishes which aren't that norm but not shocking so not sure what to think. He said he originally got it to anonymously discuss our relationship issues (don't believe this).

He says that none of the chats have been very personal and always discussing this fetish. Never pics.

I don't know what to think. I feel so deceived. He really doesn't think it's cheating especially as it's anonymous.

[Bezalelle]

Mucky git. Leave him.

[Jsku]

You’ll soon have people along who’d tell you to leave, etc.

But i’d ask you something else.
Imagine you had a fetish and didn’t think your partner would understand. Or even worse - think there is something wrong with you.
You try to suppress it. But with those things - it’s like giving up cookies&chocolate - how many actually succeed.
And then you find an outlet that seems innocent. It’s not in real life - you’ll never see or talk to those people. But it gives a bit of fantasy outlet for those thoughts that have nowhere to go.

I don’t thjnk it’s cheating, OP. If it was all about his particular kink - it was just that.

Main question is what can you do/live with in the future.
Now that you know about his fetish - do you want to try to incorporate it into your interaction?

[cantbelievethis567]

My main concern is whether it's cheating. I find the whole thing deceitful. But in my mind if he wasn't speaking to someone he knew or had any form of identifying himself to and never exchanged pictures then it's quite similar to porn. But I will never know that.

I want to know other people's opinions. It seems very common people use these sights and he compared it to me using mumsnet - an anonymous site to get things off my chest.

[cantbelievethis567]

Also some of the chats were things like politics and innocent things. They're public chats with lots of users with no names

[showmeshoyu]

I agree with PP, this is dangerously close to thought crime territory. Maybe he wants to understand his feelings and proclivities. What next, should you lobotomize yourself if you flick your bean over the buff diet coke man? You doubled down by then using his phone to try to snoop.

[Mrsmummy90]

The problem I'd have is not the talking to people about the fetishes but the fact that he was actively trying to hide it from you.

If there's nothing personal about what he's doing (eg pictures/sex talk) then why can't you see it?

[showmeshoyu]

Because people are allowed to have a private life.

[ChakiraChakra]

Sounds like he was on fetlife or similar. They talk about shared interests, but there's nothing unfaithful about chatting on a kink website from what I've seen of them. I'm sure some people do private message pretend fuck or whatever, but most of the chat is very normal, just on an unusual subject if you see what I mean. So somebody with a candlewax fetish would be in a chat with others with that fettish discussing best type of candle, best way to dribble it, staying safe, how to broach it with new partner, etc.

[user1479305498]

I have to be honest, this really really depends whether you are ok with secrecy and stuff as part of a relationship. Some people wouldn't have an issue, many would if it involved kinks that you were unaware of and never mentioned.

[cantbelievethis567]

The secrecy deeply upsets me but I can get over it if this online chat thing isn't cheating or real and if it stops.

He doesn't know what I post on here and that's private. So I respect that we all have our own secrets as long as they don't harm anyone.

He still says he's only been on it for a handful of times but it does feel like all this secrecy I am unaware of. I just want the truth.

As long as he has never revealed his identity in anyway or spoken to anyone away from the chat / had any emotional side then I'd be okay with it as long as there was honesty from now on.

[showmeshoyu]

Will you promise to stop using MN? Because that's your logic as above.

[MissBax]

What constitutes cheating is different in every relationship - some people would be fine with it, others would not. I personally am of the latter. However none of that matters, what matters is how you feel and what is acceptable, or not, in your relationship.

[MMmomDD]

OP - both you an him post on public forums. Your choice of forum isn’t superior to his.

Why are you allowing yourself full privacy, while demanding that he relinquished it.
How does that work in a relationship?

[ChakiraChakra]

@showmeshoyu

Will you promise to stop using MN? Because that's your logic as above.

THIS. You literally just described what you could be doing on Mumsnet.

[cantbelievethis567]

Because I've never hid mumsnet? He's
Known about it since day 1. He knows my login details.
He went incognito on a site where girls send naked images and when asked about this randomly before he swore on his mother's life he never had

[showmeshoyu]

He doesn't know what I post on here and that's private. So I respect that we all have our own secrets

Sorry, but your earlier post suggested that you did not disclose everything. Irrespective of that, people are allowed a private life. I couldn't be with somebody who snooped on every aspect of my life, I'm afraid, it's controlling and unhealthy.

[SandyY2K]

Personally I'd not have a problem with this. He's discussing his fetish anonymously.... he's not in a relationship with another person.

I do not consider it cheating.

[SandyY2K]

I also agree that married people are entitled to some privacy.

I post on a few sites and my DH doesn't know. It's not a secret...it's my life.

I can't be in a relationship where I can't chat on general forums as an anonymous person without snooping.

[Chocolate123]

There's a world of difference between you on Mumsnet and him in a chat room talking about something personal and of a sexual nature. . Also he has 7 private chats who knows what's been said or sent there. Ask him to show you the private chats.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

So how are you supposed to have a healthy sex life if he won't at least give you a chance to get on board with his fantasies/fetishes?

He was on a site where people exchange naked pictures...Not acceptable for me, lying and minimising to cover tracks also not acceptable. Why not just go watch some porn?

All seems a bit iffy.

[cantbelievethis567]

This is my issue. It's somewhat of a public chat room, you have to have a username to log in but anyone could make one.

I logged in with his permission straight away but everything was deleted and all groups unjoined which he said is because he wanted to get rid of it today. I think it's more likely he was being careful covering his tracks. However he couldn't have deleted it because I found out as I had his phone the entire time so it's definitely before I knew.

He said the private chats were never sexual in the way of sexting but discussing with male and female how to do the fetish/ advice on it.

He doesn't consider what he's done cheating in any way and thinks it's comparable to porn but it was embarrassing and he didn't want to tell me.

I find it odd because I am open about my kink and it's far more odd than his although I accept his I hadn't heard of before but isn't really that shocking

[Thingsdogetbetter]

He says it's not sexual, but then compares it to porn?? Porn is inherently sexual! That's the bloody point.

[cantbelievethis567]

The comparison to pint I think was related to the group chats (anyone can be part of, hundreds of random people) where they share images of themselves men and women

[Closetbeanmuncher]

You don't seem horrified about the fetish so maybe try having a discussion and letting him know you're open to it and want to be involved, but you're not happy about the deception element of it.

Sexual interaction whether physical or not isn't the same as porn, he knows that I'm certain.

[Mrsmummy90]

The fact that he's deleted all definitely is a red flag. He was being inappropriate with people and didn't want you seeing.
I've been in a similar situation before (ex was on sex sites looking for hookups) and he was constantly deleting everything.