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Do we have an "NC" (no contact) thread going on at the moment?

(51 Posts)
WaterBird Mon 07-Jan-19 06:12:41

Apologies if one still exists, but I couldn't find one going. There were some on here earlier that I found very helpful reading when going through my situation.
I'm on day 55 of NC. Sadly, this isn't the first time. However, with this new year I am feeling very determined, especially when I just found out he did some inexcusable things when we were together.
I had previously let him get to me with pretending to be "nice" but now I refuse. The only part I am actually finding challenging about this NC thing now is that I sometimes want to message him to tell him how bloody angry all of his actions made me feel.
Just thought we could use this as support for going NC.

Pinkmonkeybird Mon 07-Jan-19 09:34:03

I'm coming up to 3 months NC with my ex. I can understand your temptation to message him and vent your anger...believe me..I'd love to do the same, but it isn't worth it. Write an email and don't send it or speak to a counsellor, just keep going and don't give in to that temptation. Eventually the anger will fade, you don't have to forgive at all, but there will be a day when you won't give a second thought about them.

missbee90 Mon 07-Jan-19 09:40:12

Would love to join this thread please! I’m only on day 3 of NC (husband left me out of blue in July) have had house and divorce to sort and he finally picked the rest of his stuff up last week so now I’ve blocked and deleted him and ask he only speaks to me via solicitor... can’t get over him whilst he’s still lingering. Oh and the pig has a new girlfriend already.

mjvb123 Mon 07-Jan-19 11:35:02

I am two months NC with my ex now.
Felt a bit of a 'wobble' of the Christmas and New Year period, as I was hoping he'd get in touch.
He left me without explanation.
Though now that the anger has died down, I have accepted and 'owned' my mistakes and realise I majorly cocked up. But that I was treated pretty badly in return.
I wonder now, if I did enough, have I said sorry enough? Does he realise I know what I did wrong?
I don't know, it makes it incredibly difficult as there is so much left unsaid.

WaterBird Mon 07-Jan-19 23:01:34

@PinkMonkeyBird
Thank you. Yes you're right, I know it won't do any good. Good luck with your NC.

WaterBird Mon 07-Jan-19 23:02:09

@Missbee90
The first days are the hardest. Good luck.

WaterBird Mon 07-Jan-19 23:04:34

@Mjvb123
I doubt you have "cocked up" as much as you think.
I understand how you feel, though, and I used to beat myself up about it. Part of the reason you might have done whatever you did might have been a direct reaction of the way your abuser treated you. In my situation, after he was very unreliable so much of the time, I became very jealous, but part of this was to do with his behaviour: my friends would probably not describe me as "jealous."

Didsomeonesaybunny Mon 07-Jan-19 23:17:34

Hi all - re-joining the NC thread. Split with ex late August and had our baby in October. It’s not been easy but it’s getting better. I’m over a week NC now which I feel really great about.

Now that I’m out of the relationship I can see the level of abuse he was subjecting me to, I can’t believe I allowed him to do it.

@pink - I agree re the counselling it’s very good and is helping me immensely.

@missbee - what is with these guys moving on so quickly? Mine did too and surprisingly he didn’t follow the cliche younger model, pretty etc, she’s about 20 years older than me, portly and a bit thick by all accounts.

@mjv - ghosting is the worst, my ex did this to me over and over. It’s an abuse tactic which makes you question yourself. Very cowardly I think.

ponyprincess Tue 08-Jan-19 01:25:47

Can I join? I have not taken the plunge yet but looking for inspiration. A 2.5 year relationship, the first post divorce and it is hard as he can be so nice but he is not good for me I know.

missbee90 Tue 08-Jan-19 08:56:33

@Didsomeonesaybunny Congratulations on the birth of your baby ❤️ I have no idea how they manage to move on so quickly.. 11 years together and a year married and he met someone else 8 weeks after leaving ..

StripeyChina Tue 08-Jan-19 10:12:44

I may need to join this thread. working up the courage.

Onacleardayyoucansee Tue 08-Jan-19 11:49:09

Day 2 here.

Ouch.

We werent together long.
Realising i may have been groomed by a narcissist.. Never been through anything like this.

Didsomeonesaybunny Tue 08-Jan-19 20:36:03

@missbee - it’s really difficult and seeing my ex with his new gf at first was gut wrenching. I don’t feel like that anymore. He’s already cheated on her so I know he’s unhappy and I’ve learnt that he’s a nasty little narcissist. It’s as if the scales have finally fallen off for me because in truth he’s just a bald, fat, old loafer wearing mid-westerner with erectile dysfunction who is broke and about to lose his job. I realise I’m worth so much more than that. I was so broken and abused before that I felt honoured to have him in my life and constantly fought others for him. I’m ashamed at myself for that.

My family have urged me to go to the police as he is displaying the same abuse patterns as he did me with his new girlfriend.

Onacleardayyoucansee Tue 08-Jan-19 21:36:06

I have been reading some of these posts here.
Very insightful.
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

Post about shame here
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/whats-your-limit-deal-breakers-and-the-importance-of-listening-to-your-shame-alarm/

Sending best wishes to all.

mjvb123 Wed 09-Jan-19 06:37:06

Thank you to everyone who replied to me.
Yes I can agree that he has been cowardly and spineless. The silence I've received has only led me to blame myself 😔
Yesterday I started a new job, I couldn't help but wonder he would have known this down the grapevine and made contact. He didn't.
But instead, to take the shine off my first day, I found out by said grapevine - he's moving away! And really away, to Germany in the summer.
I feel bereft. I don't know what to think or do. I don't know when exactly he's going, but I'm hurt he hasn't told me himself.
I hate the idea of him being completely out of my life, without me seeing him or speaking to him one last time.
What to do 😕

QueenOfTheCroneAge Wed 09-Jan-19 06:49:06

If he's moving away, others know but he didn't tell you, that's a pretty clear indication he's not agonising over you like you are over him.

Time to accept he's not going to be part of your future in any way.

70sbaubles Wed 09-Jan-19 06:59:50

5 months nc from dm.
Shes the human version of cancer.
Has banned me seeing any family, so me and kids not allowed to see dsis x2. Unless we go through her.
Because theyre her posessions you see, and im not allowed them.
She said when the kids grow up ahe will turn them against me by saying how i stopped them seeing family. Has lied and smeared me to everyone. Will make life awful if i go behind her back contacting her.

mjvb123 Wed 09-Jan-19 13:41:38

@QueenOfTheCroneAge
I know the relationship is over, it's not about that. It's the fact it's lacking in closure.
Yes he probably isn't agonising over it, seeing the way he has already treated me.
But I guess for my own sanity, I hate that so much has been left unsaid. It would not feel right knowing he's leaving the country and not speaking before then.
Now I'm wondering whether I make a last ditch attempt to extend an olive branch 😕

Didsomeonesaybunny Wed 09-Jan-19 17:41:27

@mjv - I’m sorry to hear he’s been such an a**hole - you deserve better. I know this will sound counter intuitive but him moving away is a blessing in disguise for you, it ends things forever and that is your closure. My ex used to leave me in the most cruel of ways never giving me closure and leaving the door ajar for reconciliation later down the line and actually,, I realised I didn’t need to see him to get closure, he hasn’t got the power anymore I have.

I’d recommend that your closure is his abhorrent actions. You don’t need to see him, that will only hurt. You don’t need an explanation for why, just focus on the fact that he left you cruelly and with no love or kindness. Let that be enough.

I’ve been in your shoes and have been desperate to see him to get answers but he was never able to give them to me and it always ended up with sex and regrets (and the sex was never very good tbh so not at all worth it).

I idolised my ex. Now that I’m out of the abuse cycle I can see that this was ridiculous because he’s a nasty, mean man. It took me a long time to see him for what he was and when his mask did finally slip I felt disgusted with myself, for loving it, making love to it. He’s vile - aesthetically and emotionally.

Your ex may not be this bad but nobody deserves to be treated the way you did. Take control, be strong. You can do it I promise. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Onacleardayyoucansee Wed 09-Jan-19 17:46:54

@mjbv123
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-dont-have-to-gain-agreement-or-acknowledgment-in-order-to-let-go-move-on/

The baggage reclaim site is so full of gems.

The thi k that is stopping me contacti g him is that i know im setting myself up to ve hurt at a later date.
I figure it is only going to get progressively harder the longer I drag it out.
Im doing the right thing by me, even tgough it doesnt feel good right now.

Wishing everyone strength.

Onacleardayyoucansee Wed 09-Jan-19 17:48:07

Not drunk!
Typing on teeny keys grin

mjvb123 Wed 09-Jan-19 19:39:11

I feel like Kate Winslet in The Holiday!
'My ex boyfriend got engaged, but forgot to tell me!' But omit the engaged for moving away! 😢

@Didsomeonesaybunny So much of what have written resonates. Thank you. It's a whole new thing for me, every other relationship I've been in, has always had a clear start, middle and end. With rational reasoning for them to come to an end.
Admittedly we had been having problems, but for one argument to bring it to an end and make him not talk to me, just leaves me bewildered.
I just can't make sense of it, and that's why I want answers. I just can't believe he would leave it like this. Could it really all have meant nothing? I do idolise him, I always have. Even though I've always known, he's a bad guy (just very good at putting on the good guy act for everyone else)
I know him leaving is probably for the best, but I can't bare the thought that I won't see him again.

@Onacleardayyoucansee Thank you for the link, I will look at that.
Yes, I have thought that - the longer the leave it, when and if I do give in, I know I would look even more ridiculous! 😬
But now I feel like I have a genuine reason to reach out. It's been all I've thought about since I got the news last night 😔

Didsomeonesaybunny Thu 10-Jan-19 00:03:03

Thanks for the link onaclear I found it very useful and really struck a chord.

MJV I’m more than happy to help, motivate and cheerlead. I was exactly the same with respect to previous relationships and I was able to grieve them and then move on. I’ve found this one exceptionally difficult because I was repeatedly abused for 6 years and I suspect you may have been too.

My ex purposefully ghosted me and a handful more women in very painful ways and he did this to keep us hanging on. For many years he had much success in doing this and then he went too far.

In the past I pushed for explanations, he’d agree to meet and would give me a sob story, I’d feel sorry for him and then we’d be back together in the same sorry lather, rinse and repeat cycle. The first few times he did it I was genuinely so overwhelmed I stopped eating and actually found getting out of bed hard. I sank into a deep depression. Each time he left thereafter it got a little easier and in the end I would come to expect the cruel dumping. It’s all very sad that i put up with it. Sending you my greatest sympathies because the pain is indescribable.

It’s easy for me to give you advice but I still have my wobbles but then I centre myself and recognise what he has done to me and who he has become or perhaps who he has always been albeit behind a very carefully crafted mask.

My ex has moved closer to me (albeit a shit part of town) which I’m angry about. I’ve begged him to move back to the US but he won’t because he’ll be vilified by his family over there, at least here in London he can hide like the little coward that he is. Get angry, it helps. Don’t let yourself slip into reminiscing, when I catch myself doing that I remind myself it’s all fake that when he smiled it wasn’t real else why would he be texting other women, exes from years ago? My whole relationship with him was a lie and that is helpful to me actually because now when I reminisce my stomach turns because I have been duped by a con artists who’s looks are fading rapidly as is his ability to have sex.

Believe it or not we are actually the winners in all of this. You’ll find someone lovely, I did x

mjvb123 Thu 10-Jan-19 19:44:45

@Didsomeonesaybunny
Again so much have what you have said resonates. Someone once described my ex as an 'master manipulator', which for anyone who doesn't know him very well, would seem a very shocking description.
But that's now how I feel he treated me, complete manipulation and emotional blackmail. Because I don't for one minute believe he thinks I would purposely want to cause him pain. No matter what stupid things I may have said or done.
I read last night the link that @Onacleardayyoucansee posted. And it was actually within the comments on the post that I found something I truly resonated with. One lady had clearly gone through a similar end to her relationship as me.
I quote 'I felt very sad that he just faded away with no explanation. But he didn't owe me one. That's the truth. He knew how I felt about him, and he didn't care to consider my feelings even if the truth would hurt. If he felt the ends justified the means, the end result to be simply rid of me, I've committed myself to falling off his radar completely.'

☝🏻 That stings, but I could have written that myself. Yes I do cling to hope that he feels remorse and misses me. I've been fed crumbs of this being the case (at least to begin with from mutual friends). Because that's all I have left. He's never told me he didn't want it to end the way it did (no told a mutual friend). I've been told he did want to talk to me, that he's sad.
But I knew all along, despite these crumbs, that I know him better than them. And I know that I will probably never hear (and now almost definitely will never see him again). Because this is what he does, he cuts people out. I just never thought I'd be one of those people 😔
Thank @Didsomeonesaybunny for your support 💕

essexmum2019 Fri 11-Jan-19 03:08:01

I'd like to join on Day 1. My H left again for good last week.

We've agreed the maintenance he will pay and contact [EOW starting 26th]. He's moving most of his stuff at the weekend - not everything as he's living in his mums spare room but the rest will stay in the shed so it's not around the house until he finds a place not likely on his wage and where we live.

His behaviour changed around 8 weeks ago although and there's evidence of an EA with someone online although he says he's felt this way for years (we have an 18 month old) and he wants to divorce. He says he finds me attractive and cares for me as a friend but isn't 'in love' with me. If I'm totally honest I'm not 'in love' with him either although my feelings are stronger probably because of the children. I'm finding it hard not to send a text or call but now want to go NC. Eldest DD has a phone so contact with children could still be facilitated.

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