Getting through Christmas...again

[Annaskies]

I spent much of 2017 thinking just get through the next birthday, the holiday, the Christmas period and so on as things were so miserable and bad with OH. A lot of it was centred around his drinking and how selfish it made him and then how vile he would be the next day, speaking to me like crap, swearing and shouting in front of the kids and as it turned out lying repeatedly to me about drinking or how much he had drunk while having dd2 overnight.

This all finally came to a head this summer after I’d had some bad health and 2 stays in hospital, when within an hour of me arriving home from a pretty scary hospital stay he threw a strop over not being able to go and watch football (I didn’t want to be left alone with 7yo and almost 2 yo) and then him “compromising” by saying he would drink at home instead. I didn’t feel comfortable with this, I’d just been put on medication for a heart issue and was worried I’d have another episode or not be able to deal with dd2’s wake ups through the night. He was an arsehole about it so I packed up and went to my mums and told him to get out before I would come back. I was distraught and actually in a bit of shock I that his need to drink was more important than supporting me and the dc.

He was gone for about 6 weeks and gradually wormed his way back by being extra nice and really helpful with all the things which are difficult for me without him, mostly getting dd1 to her clubs as I don’t drive and coming round to put dd2 to bed so I could have a breather.

Fast forward to now and I’m again feeling like I just need to get through Christmas then really have to say enough is enough. We are miserable, we pass each other without a word, we sit in different rooms once the children are in bed. We don’t do anything together other than take children places or get shopping etc.
Bottom line is I’ve never been able to trust him since all the lying and he apparently doesn’t care. I can’t see anyway back but I just feel so sad to break up the family, dd2 has a strong bond with him and he does her bedtime routine every night and I just feel guilty about him not getting to see her everyday but I don’t think I can carry on in this toxic atmosphere.

I think it would be awful to do this now right before Christmas so should I just bite my tongue and get through Christmas and then tell him? Can this work? Any advice is appreciated as I just think I need to put what I want to the side one more time for the sake of the kids until after Christmas.

[Annaskies]

Anyone?

[BadBear]

I feel you, I feel you so much. I have experience with alcoholism and I just want to tell you that this will never work while he is drinking. Staying with him for the sake of the kids will only give them unhealthy patterns about what relationships are like for the rest of their lives. You are worthy of so much more than someone who loves themselves and their drinking habit more than anything. Alcohol abusers are selfish. Are you getting any emotional support from anyone?

[Annaskies]

Thank you badbear
He hadn’t been drinking since coming back after the break in September but I feel like it’s creeping back in a bit. He drank this weekend while having the youngest alone overnight again and I just don’t trust him when he said he “only” had 4 beers. And it made me realise I wil never believe him, when I asked about it he got angry with e and shuts me down and says he doesn’t care. I feel like he should care and want to reassure me, if not then I think he is probably lying about how much he drank, again
I feel a bit embarrassed telling people about it IRL plus I’ve been so bac and forth and kicked him out so many times when things were bad that I think they would be sick of hearing it

[BadBear]

Firstly, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it's easier said than done as unfortunately it's always the person who not at fault feeling shame, however it's important to believe it in your heart.

His behaviour indicates that he has a dependent relationship when it comes to alcohol. Not all alcoholics drink all the time and have whisky for breakfast. It's when the lies creep in and the defensive behaviour kicks in.

My personal opinion and experience is that a drinker will not change his ways until he admits there is a problem and even then it takes years of hard work to overcome that problem and looking at all the underlying issues. I know it sounds silly but close your eyes for a second, would life without him be easier and happier? Like you have shifted a big weight?

[Annaskies]

Yes he definitely has alcohol issues and admitted to this finally in September and hasn’t been drinking.(until this weekend) But he hasn’t really done anything about the underlying reasons for the drinking despite saying he would get counselling.

Honestly when you say about closing my eyes and imagining him not here it’s bliss. But then all these doubts creep in line how tired I would be doing the wake ups and early mornings and how hard it would be to go places that involved car journeys etc. I just feel stuck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Annaskies

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you exactly?. Something is keeping you with this individual and you cannot and must not use your children as the reason to stay. As for your family unit, well he has already broken that by his actions. You can only save your own self and your children ultimately and they really do not warrant this from their dad in their lives. This is a toxic atmosphere for you and they to be growing up in. They and you deserve better than their current situation.

You need to get off the merry go around here permanently because you will be writing the self same next Christmas. Christmas and other such occasions are also really no good reason to remain within this relationship. His primary relationship is with drink, its certainly not with you or these children unfortunate enough to be seeing all this crap at first hand also. Put them and you first now rather than him.

Its his actions you want to look at here Annaskies, not mere words. Words are cheap, its actions that count and he is not wanting to address his drink problem. He wants you to continue carrying him and you enabling him as you have done has done you no favours at all. These types of dysfunctional relationships are often mired in codependency and I would hazard a guess that you are codependent in relationships. Do not teach your children these same patterns and give them characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. They are also living with a drunk here for a father and it will harm them immeasurably going forward particularly if you stay with him for your own reasons. They will not thank you for staying with him and your own relationship with them could well become damaged too because they will think why did you put him before us?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. This is NO relationship lesson to be teaching them at all. Which also leads me to ask what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Did you see a parent that drank too much?.

Al-anon are worth contacting as are the Rights of Women. You need real life support and these organisations are worth contacting.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

His drink problem has broken up this family unit, its damaged beyond repair.

He does not want your help and or support and you are too close to be of any real use to him anyway. He wants to use you as a reason to keep drinking, he can blame you for all his ills.

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now. Do not keep this a secret any more and seek real life help too. I would not want to leave him with either child, you cannot trust him and without trust there is no relationship in any case.

Make Christmas this year, let alone in 2019, a happier one for you and your kids. Do not be writing your initial post again next year simply because you have not found it within you to kick him out permanently.

[BadBear]

I agree with PP, you need to organise this from a practical point of view: are you financially independent from him? Where could you go? Could you learn how to drive? Once you get the practical side sorted you will feel so much better.

I highly recommend talking to DrugFam which is a charity to support the partners and families of men with alcohol issues. They have a free helpline and they will be more clued on the steps you need to follow.

Is it just the practical side that worries you the most? It sounds like you are emotionally detached already you just need to get everything organised so you feel secure and confident in your decision.

[Annaskies]

@Attilathemeerkat you commented on my thread over a year ago and I feel like I wasn’t quite ready to face it yet but I see it now and you were/are right.
Honestly my reasons for staying with him are quite pathetic and are just him putting dd2 to bed so I get a break, him driving dd1 to her clubs that would be extremely difficult without driving, going other places not accesible without a car and wanting the dc to have a father at home. I didn’t grow up with my parents together so I had no example of how relationships should be. My dad was an alcoholic and I can’t believe I’ve found myself in this situation, OH completely duped me at the start and hid a lot of his ways from me as he lived quite far away. It was all a facade and I fell for it.

I don’t feel like there’s anything in it for me I’m so much happier when he isn’t there but I just rely on certain aspects which I think help the dc do things they couldn’t do just with me. Maybe that is codependency? I will look it up.

It’s so close to Christmas and I just could t do it now with things all planned but I really want to as soon as December is done.

[Annaskies]

@badbear we rent and it’s all in my name as he moved in with me, I don’t work so would rely on help to begin with. I worry he has nowhere as that’s what’s led to him coming back before.

I’m completely emotionally detached you’re right, that’s happened over the past 2 years as a coping mechanism so his ways can’t upset or hurt me anymore. There’s no coming back from it, I don’t love him

You’re both right it’s not teaching my children anything good about relationships it’s a horrible example to set. I just worry they will resent me for breaking things up

[BadBear]

There's no need to feel bad about it... It's probably one of the things he's counting on so he doesn't lose his comfort. He knows you are keeping him around for the kids, he is banking on it. Especially since he has nowhere to go. He has so much to lose and he knows that which is why he puts on the acts of kindness and gives you a bit of hope that he might change which he hasn't. If he had been determined to change he would have sorted out counselling, he would have moved away for his kids' sake until he was sorted.

It might make your life a bit more difficult in a practical way if he's out of the picture but it will make it so much easier emotionally in the long run. I'd find out what help would be available to you and get your family and friends to support you as much as they can. You are making a rational, well-thought out decision to leave him for good. Anyone who can't see it shouldn't even be anywhere near you.

In a way it's good that you are detached because you can think with your head and you can weather the storm.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Annaskies

I am not altogether surprised that you are where you are now.
Your father was himself an alcoholic and we after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Sadly yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons and these have remained with you to this day. Please do not teach your own kids the same as you were.

Make the break from your drunkard partner as soon as you are able to do so, if you really cannot do this before Christmas (and I would still urge you to rid yourself of him prior to this holiday time) then have a firm date as soon after in mind - and stick to it.

Is it possible for you to have driving lessons going forward?. It is not beyond the realms of possibility either that he looks after these children whilst incapacitated through, same with driving your eldest to her various activities. Do you know other parents there, could one of these people take her instead of this individual?.

I would not want you to be writing the same this time next year.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No, they will absolutely not resent you for getting rid of this man. No, they may not understand it immediately due to their ages but you are doing it for the right reasons. They are not the arbiters of your relationship here. Your reasons for remaining with him anyway are no reason at all. They do not need a drunkard father in their day to day lives and they also see all your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him. His primary relationship is with alcohol, it is not with you or they and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. You're basically all lurching from one crisis to another with this man, its never stable.

Would you want them to have a relationship with such a man themselves as adults, no you would not. Do not do your bit to keep on teaching them here that, currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Where he goes once he is gone is not actually your problem. He has not given a fig about you since moving back in and continues to make your life a misery also because of his alcoholism. He has never shown any of you any real consideration whatsoever here.

[thisusernameisrubbish]

It took me 4 years to separate from my ex, he wasn't an alcoholic but was emotionally abusive. Every Christmas and New Year I would say to myself "next year" things would be different and then each year would roll by in a miserable blur and then I'd be in the same place again.

I know it's hard. Like you I rent, and it was in both our names. He left in the end, and I got my ducks in a row. I agree with others, if you can learn to drive that would be the biggest freedom for you. You need to stop thinking of things he does for your DC as reasons for you to stay together. Surely if your child has a club she needs to go to, maybe he could still be the one to take her even if you have separated? He can always still come over to put your other child to bed, doesn't mean he has to stay and you live in a nightmare.

I actually get more of a break now we have separated, and their dad does way more now then he ever did when we were together. He has finally realised he was a crap parent, and that he needs to step up. Maybe your ex would be like that - although if his drinking continues you wouldn't want him having them overnight - that's the main concern here.

You need out, you can't keep living in this groundhog day of existence with him. I know it's scary, and I know you don't want to let people down around you like your kids, but actually you'll let them down more by being a sad mum who just wants to be happy but puts up with it for the sake of it.

[ScabbyHorse]

He's chosen booze over you even after your hospital visit- now you need to choose your kids over him. He'll probably use Christmas as an excuse to drink even more, so would be better to have him out of the way before then. I speak from experience of having an alcohol dependent boyfriend staying at mine and abusing my trust in him. The tenancy is in your name and the ball's in your court to so something about this now. Sending strength.

[Ycochyn]

@Annaskies . Let me tell you story, I was married to a man like that, I went out to a Christmas function leaving him to look after my teenage dd. I came home at 1am and he was not there, he was out drinking. I made sure my dd was ok then went to bed. Some time later he came in drunk and I jumped out of bed and started shouting at him. He punched me ( first time ever) my dd ran in and phoned the police, he was taken away. The thing is, my dd still has nightmares about that night and suffers from ptsd and other mental health disorders . She is 27 now and will never get over it. I wish I'd left him years before.
Please leave now before Christmas and make it a good one for you and your children xx

[Annaskies]

@badbear I do think he’s manipulative and plays on me feeling bad for him but unfortunately that doesn’t stop me feeling bad! I know you are right and he does put on an act each and every time and then gradually it slips. After he came back in September it was only a few weeks of things being nice before he shouted and swore at me In front of the kids. I just get sucked it by it every time because I want to see the best in people and I want him to mean it but I need to face it now that he doesn’t and it’s just an act.

@attilathemeerkat I feel like my dad showed me everything I didn’t want yet somehow I’ve ended up with someone behaving the same way!
I really can’t afford driving lessons right now but luckily there is good public transport here for most things it’s just the clubs in the evenings etc and going on further trips.
That’s a very good point about what I’d want for my dd’s and I’d hate for them to be with someone like him I really would. I’d hate to give them the impression that any of this is ok and that’s my main driving force helping me realise it has to stop now.

@thisuser I’m glad you managed to make the break and that’s so true actually there’s no reason he couldn’t still do those things I don’t know why that didn’t occur to me. I think because whenever I say he has to go he first gets nasty and says don’t expect him to help out and be available when I want him to etc but he usually then says of course he will and that tends to be when I soften and the stupid cycle starts again.

Thank you @scabbyhorse

@ycochyn that’s awful I’m a sorry that happened to you ☹️ I really don’t think he would ever be violent he more a useless annoying drunk than anything and nasty the next day but I take your point and I don’t intend for things to escalate.

[BadBear]

I am exactly like you. I put my faith in people. If I give them my best behaviour, time and honestly, I just assume they do the same. I am not a doormat, I just believe in the good in people. I see beyond their at times stupid behaviour. But behaviours must have consequences sometimes and he crossed the line. Maybe kicking him out will be for the best for him, maybe he needs to hit rock bottom to have a chance to change and become a better father. He missed the boat for being a good partner, maybe this is his chance to be a good dad at some point.

[Annaskies]

It’s a bit crap (for us) being like that isn’t it and you’re constantly let down when people don’t treat you back how you’ve treated them.

I’m finding it so hard to be around him at the moment. He’s gone from being an arse at the weekend, to ignoring me then from this morning has switched to just being nice like nothing’s happened and it makes me feel so anxious. Nothing ever gets discussed or resolved it’s always the same pattern. I don’t want to just be all chatty now like he’s mr nice guy ☹️