He told me not to leave as he is going to change

[Sunnyday8]

This is my first post so apologies in advance.
I have been with my partner for 9 years and over the last year he has had a real problem with his temper. He has such a short fuse and anything can set him off into a rage at me. He says that it's because hes tired because his shift pattern is difficult compared to mine. I work full time and do everything in the house but I can't mention being tired because 'my job is easy'. I am really starting to feel like I am walking on eggshells. Things have got worse since I have been back at work full time.
I went out for an hour to see my friend the other evening and he accused me of cheating because the front seat had moved in my car. He has had an affair in the past and I'm not sure if there is something going on again. Everywhere I go now he makes a comment about where I have been.

He will make me late for work and I can't raise this as an issue but when he gets in and wants to go to bed (from a night shift) if I haven't got myself and the kids out by a certain time then he will sit by the door and keep asking me (more demanding) when I'm leaving - I have suggested he could help me but he says no. The other morning I was particularly stressed and he threw all my work all over the floor, I asked him why he had done it and he said because I wasn't out by the time I said I would leave (I was 5 mins after time I said). So after I had put the kids in the car, I went back to get my bag and he grabbed my arm from the door and twisted it behind my back. I said he was hurting me and I turned around to move his arm away and he pushed me in the back and I went flying out of the door, he was shouting I could only come back when he had woken up. When I got back later that evening he said 'that was really wrong of you to scratch me' and sulked because he said I was out of order.
I just try to keep out of his way when he's in one of these moods. Things have definitely been getting worse with his outbursts and now I worry that the kids will witness what's going on. I feel like I am really run down trying to manage everything on my own, he will just shout and swear at me if I ask him to do something in the house when he's not in the mood. I told him that I think we should end things because I can't do it anymore but he said that I'm being ridiculous. I am now at my wit's end but he has said that he really wants to change and is going to get some help with everything. I don't know whether he can change or if I should even trust him. I would say that in the last year it's gone from being weeks without him getting angry to now being every day. He says I should support him as he is going through a difficult time but I just feel like packing and leaving today. Any advice would be much appreciated

[QueenAravisOfArchenland]

Follow that impulse to pack and leave today.

He is abusive. He is controlling. He won't ever change.

[HollowTalk]

I'm with you on the packing and leaving, OP. Whatever happened to love, honour and cherish? He sounds really horrible.

[Mabelface]

You don't need his agreement. If you want to pack and walk, do it but be careful as he's already got physical with you. Women's aid can help.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

Go. Just go. It’s escalating and won’t get better, you need to keep yourself and your kids safe. He’s going through a difficult time? That’s a laugh. It’s YOU who is having it difficult, being belittled and abused and hurt. This hideous man with his crocodile tears won’t change.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

Leave, he won't change. This will damage your children hugely. He's aggressive and violent. Leave him.

[TellsEveryoneRealFacts]

He wont change. Get out as soon as you can. It sounds as if telling him before you go might end up with him attacking you again so go whilst he is at work.

[GertrudeCB]

Leave as soon as possible. He is an abuser.

[snozzlemaid]

You don't deserve to be treated like that. Get those bags packed. He won't change.

[pointythings]

He can't tell you not to leave. He can ask, beg, cajole. And you can and should ignore him and dump his sorry ass.

[RavenLG]

Are you getting anything from this relationship? It sounds like all you're doing is walking on eggshells because of his temper while trying to raise your children without him lifting a finger, apart from to physically abuse you.
LEAVE and don't look back!

[Cricrichan]

He is toxic - physically and emotionally abusive, controlling and jealous. On top of not helping you he actively sabotaged your life to make it even harder. I can't see someone like that changing except for the worse.

[anotherangel2]

The emotional abuse has escalated to physical abuse. He is abusing you and your children. You must protect yourself and them.

You are very right to leave. If some how he changes (I doubt it) then after 1 year it plus of good behaviour then you could reconsider the relationship but I don’t think you would want him back after you have learnt what life is like when you are not being abused.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Get gone today.
This is full on abuse in many forms.
Please do call Womens Aid if you need help with an exit plan. 0808 2000 247.
He will NOT change.
Do yourself and your DC a big favour and take yourselves out of this dreadful situation.

[Mary1935]

Hi Sunnyday 🌺 - you would be tired and emotional exhausted with his behaviour. It is abusive - you said it’s just been in the past year but has it? You said he’s had an affair - how did that get resolved? He could be projecting his own feelings onto you. Do you think he maybe having an affair?
I’m sorry to say they do not change. He assaulted you and if someone did that to you in the street what would we do? He’s also teaching your children it’s ok to treat women like this. He’s meant to love you.
I would call women’s aid and have a conversation. They can be hard to get through too - you could google women’s aid and the town your in or nearest city - they may have a local branch.
These men disgust me - I’m feeling angry - my ex was abusive.
You would also need to forgive him for these assaults and I couldn’t do that.
Please go now - don’t waste years on him - BUT seek safety advice first via women’s aid.
Have you got any real life support that you can start to share this with.
I used to feel a lot of shame but then I realised it wasn’t my shame to carry - it was his.
Mine hit me about 7 times over 10 years and was verbally and emotionally abusive also. It’s only now 1 year since he’s gone that my mind is clearer.
It may take you time to get him out but you can do it.
I ended up calling the police and he was charged with two counts of common assault. He was also given a restraining order for life meaning he can’t come to this house or anywhere near me.
Start gentle letting others know. I told my counsellor then called women’s aid then the GP some close friends and then the Police. It can take time. Be kind to yourself.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He's having a hard time and YOU should support HIM? Think about that. That's what he thinks. That you working, doing everything at home and being pushed around and shouted at... and HE is the one who needs support?

Run, don't walk away. And good luck

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

If he was serious about changing his behaviour, he would have left so you were safe and sought professional help.
There really isn't a choice here. Your children are probably already aware of what is going on. You have to get them away from this situation.

[woodhill]

That's really horrible OP. I'm not sympathetic towards him but I know night shifts seem to have a bad effect from my own experience of OH doing them

That standing by the door is ridiculous. Very controlling and the physical abuse. So sorry it is difficult when you are trying to work full time and look after dc

[LittleMissCwtch]

Please leave this won’t get any better. He is physically and emotionally abusive, and Is only saying he’ll change because you want to leave.

My ex was emotionally abusive and when it got to a point he knew I wanted to leave he said he wanted to go to joint counseling, that was a big mistake as I didn’t realize that they say never go for counseling with an abuser.

He didn’t want to change, he just wanted the control back and after that I was so worn down and low I didn’t have the energy or wasn’t strong enough mentally to leave.

He finally left me and it was the best thing he ever did for me, don’t get me wrong it’s not easy, but I’m such a different person now, not constantly on eggshells.

I think the kids will be happier too, not having to worry about walking on eggshells. I didn’t think my kids were affected but they were walking on eggshells around him too.

[arranfan]

You need to leave. Your DC should not be witnessing this, it's harming them, in addition to what it's doing to both of you.

Have you contacted Women's Aid and looked at the Freedom Programme?

[picklepost]

Good grief, this is appalling.

I think you've gotten to the point where you are barely able to recognise just how bad things are so let me be very clear: you are in an extremely abusive relationship.

You are in danger and so are you children.

Please take professional advice because you can no longer see things as they are.

The only sensible thing to do is get out of there as fast as possible. 😔

[OurMiracle1106]

Leave. My ex promised time and time again he would change. Blamed everything and anyone but himself for HIS behaviour.

Sorry this is happening to you

[RabbitsAreTasty]

You feel like packing and leaving today. Sounds like a great plan. Do that.

[Thebluedog]

He won’t change, his behaviour is escalating, and it will only get worse. Yes he might be tired, but there is NO reason for his behaviour being acceptable

[Sunnyday8]

Thank you all for your replies. I can see that promising things seems like a pattern. It's scary that I have let him get away with this and how much I accept things as normal when I guess deep down I know they aren't.

We go and visit his parents every week and the last two weeks he has shouted at me in front of everyone. The first time everyone just looked shocked and then acted like nothing had happened the next time his mum actually tried to help me calm the situation and his family then told me basically to leave him if he acted like this again.

He has been physical on occasions before this but not really hurt me, I think maybe it is more control as he would just hold me up against the wall. I once couldn't find something that he said i'd taken from him (it was a charger for something). He said he would not let me go to sleep until I found it. He kept shouting at me until I got up to look for it and when I couldn't find it he said he wouldn't let me go to sleep until I did, so he stood over me and every time I fell asleep he would wake me up. It's things like that that have really broken me emotionally, especially when my DS doesn't sleep much. I just feel exhausted and really fed up. Things have really got to me recently though and I am so sorry about letting it out on here I just haven't got the bottle to talk about it yet. Thanks so much



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[arranfan]

I think maybe it is more control as he would just hold me up against the wall. I once couldn't find something that he said i'd taken from him (it was a charger for something). He said he would not let me go to sleep until I found it. He kept shouting at me until I got up to look for it and when I couldn't find it he said he wouldn't let me go to sleep until I did,

OP, it is horrible to read this. Please, Please don't be sorry, just phone Woman's Aid and talk through what's happening.