This is very long so please bear with me. I have two truly amazing small children who are my world. Partner has been mainly emotionally abusive, at times physically - far less so physically- in the past two years.
As a last straw, I agree to relationship counselling recently. During the first session, the counsellor pointed out to DP that some of his behaviour was very controlling towards me and alluded to the Archers storyline of coercive control.
I'm pretty much raising our children single-handedly since day one...he has been an absent father for much of their lives, until recently routinely didn't come home at all and would spend whole nights away (drinking and goodness knows what else). Although he is currently not drinking, his presence at home and around the children is mainly deeply unpleasant - highly argumentative, does not care about the deeply offensive and inappropriate things he can say in front of the children, bad-mouthing me in front of them...the list goes on.
I found the courage to leave him two years ago after an abortion I felt I pressurised into. Under the relentless pressure of juggling a full-time career, long commute, his non-stop intimidation, I had what was probably akin to a nervous breakdown. I lost my job a few weeks later and found myself at my most vulnerable in my whole life. I pleaded with my parents for help but their response was pretty much to suck it up and carry on.
I typed and printed a letter the next morning to my GP outlining my circumstances, as I had no option but for my children to accompany me to the appointment and did not want them to hear the reasons for my being there. I allowed the GP to read the letter and my reasons for seeking help. The GP was very compassionate and after two weeks of taking sertraline, I felt a whole lot better.
In the interim, DP came back like a knight in shining armour, all loving, supportive and apologetic. My parents were singing his praises. I believed all the nonsense and allowed him back into our lives.
Within days, he was out drinking every night. I can scarcely remember a week when he spent more than two nights at home with us - by that I mean sleeping at home.
I tolerated this as I felt that actually we were all happier on the nights when he didn't come home. Basically, life was good when he wasn't around. The children loved that I was there for them and I loved that I could be there for them too.
I started to make friends- good friends -locally. DP resented this - on a night out earlier this year, he repeatedly sent messages insisting I come home. My friends noticed and decided to accompany me home as they were worried about me. There were party invitations, social events and close friendships forged - I was so happy - finally I had a support network around me.
I tolerated the manner in which DP treated me knowing that he would not be around much, that is was a temporary situation and particularly that my children were so much happier having me around, all the while firmly making plans for a future without him.
The only reason why I am still with him is that I have been financially dependent on him until now. This is about to change.
My parents and family have always found DP charming and very charismatic - he certainly is when they are around! They refuse to entertain any discussion of us separating or any hint that he is not quite treating me well. However during a half-term visit, they witnessed him staying out all night, unable to get out of bed before noon and me scrounging around for basics.
The background is that I was adopted shortly after birth and was raised as the eldest of four (all adoptees) by incredibly strict and religious parents. I was always a 'good girl' - very compliant, high achiever at school and university etc. Ive always felt unloved, or rather that love was conditional, that nothing I ever did quite met their expectations. I also feel infantilised by my parents, that they never quite accepted that I am an adult, with my own desires, personality and talents. I feel very judged and that everything I do is portrayed in a negative light.
Last week I called my parents as I wanted them to know of my plans to leave DP and start a new life away from the abusive behaviour.
I literally cannot believe their reaction - disbelief about things DP has done and said to me, defending him (for instance, I must have provoked him to elicit a physical response from him?), treating me like a child (how on earth would I cope alone without him? who besides him would have me? if it was that bad why didn't I leave before now?), the statement that they won't take sides but that I clearly don't have their support- truly awful stuff I am reeling from. A message today asking to 'send DP our regards'.
I also found out from DP, and via my brother, that DP was in contact with my brother after the birth of DC2 insinuating that I should be 'sectioned' with post-partum depression. My brother lives abroad, has very little contact with me - we are not close at all. How could he possibly be in a position to judge my ability to parent my children as opposed to the community wife who was hugely supportive and pleading with DP to actually help out. When DC2 was 11 days old, I suffered an agonising infection after my C-section due to over-exertion and was admitted to A&E. At home in bed later that evening after being discharged, DP arrived home drunk and insisted that I take DC2 and myself and sleep on a blow-up mattress on the floor as the double-bed was 'his' bed. I could barely walk. He was quick to push me across the room with DC2 in my arms. Somehow I managed to shield her from the fall and block the other bedroom door before he killed me, as he threatened.
Anyway, my parents are now elderly. It has always been incredibly difficult to talk to them about anything - Ive always walked on eggshells. I called on Friday and enquired as to how they were. My dad stated that he wasn't coping with my news, that he was suffered with ill-health as result of my news and did I actually figure out how I would manage without DP?
What on earth would you do in these circumstances? I am leaving DP, that is a given. But I thought my parents would have my back and be supportive. It's kind of like they've shown their true colours? I always felt unloved because actually I wasn't truly loved? Any thoughts?
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Relationships
Please help me make sense of my family, particularly parents
anothermat · 11/07/2018 00:30
I found my dad to be extremely confused by the concept of emotional abuse and manipulation. It was all about soldering on for the kids despite having a breakdown over the situation. I'm not advocating their frankly appalling reaction, I'm offering a handhold in how shit it is. Keep writing here and let us support you. Mumsnet has your hand while you keep striking forward as best you can. There will be low days unfortunately, but the good ones make it all worthwhile. I'm having a low couple of days at the moment but let me assure you there are bright ones too
Oh my goodness. You have endured some awful abuse from your partner and your parents. I feel for you and I admire your strength and resilience.
Unfortunately I think you need to cut contact with your parents, at least for the time being, while you go through the difficult but necessary process of leaving your partner.
The most important thing is to stay safe and get support. Please contact Women’s Aid, talk to your doctor and your friends too.
In terms of understanding your parents’ and partner’s behaviour and their impact on you, and healing from the damage they have caused, I suggest the following:
- counselling/therapy (ask your GP and/or women’s aid)
- read “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward
- check out the Stately Homes thread
- read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft
- do the Freedom Programme
Good luck
OP, you have my sympathy and I am cheering you on to a new life in safety and freedom. Follow the advice here and stay safe
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