Alcoholic and feeling lonely

[Username36]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

Basically, I am an alcoholic and my dp walked out to go to his mum's last weekend. He said he'd had enough of coming home to a drunk and I don't blame him for this.

However, when he was here he was out every week-night training until between 8:30 and 9:30pm, did at least 4 hours of training on a Saturday and 2 hours on a Sunday. This was in addition to having his DD every weekend although I admit his DM takes most of the slack for that because of his training schedule.

He was becoming more and more nasty to me over the last few months and saying things which really upset me. He says now that he knows he was a dick to me and this was because he was sick of my drinking and sort of took on a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. He says he does want us to be together and loves me but that I need to get help and show I'm determined to stop drinking. I agree. However, I do feel that in the same way he did not cause my drinking, I didn't cause him to be a dick and be nasty. Does anybody agree with this or can they see why he would have behaved like this?

I've told him that I know I have to make big changes but I feel that he also needs to change and compromise if we are to make this work. I'm now 6 days sober which is my longest time without alcohol for months as normally I was drinking everyday. I have no intention of drinking and am going to my first counselling session tomorrow. I can't help feeling abandoned in a way and am totally on my own but this might be selfish of me. Just as he left me all week to go out and do his own thing, I feel he has now left me when I am at my most vulnerable. I understand that he can't and shouldn't live with me at the minute but wish he would even suggest meeting for coffee for an hour to get me out of the house. I feel so lonely.

[springydaff]

Go to AA, you'll make some great friends there.

The primary issue is your drinking, not his dickdom. He comes second at the mo, sort all that out later. For now your primary focus is recovery. Do it in fellowship with others who are on the same road.

[Wonkypalmtree]

I think that need to focus on you, the positive way you are feeling about not drinking and continue this for some time before you start putting any pressure on him. Arrange to go to meetings, start some exercise, Gym or a class or similar, I don’t think that it’s fair to fall back on him to prevent your loneliness.

There is a good group on mumsnet to join, for people trying not to drink

[Username36]

Thanks so much for the responses. I work full time and have taken up the gym so am going out to classes a couple of times a week. I've also been cycling to work and back for the past few months despite the drinking. Now that I've been sober for nearly a week I am psyically feeling so much better already. I'm on antidepressants so hopefully they start to kick in now I don't have alcohol poisoning my system.

I realise I am just feeling sorry for myself but because of my drinking over the past few years I don't really have any friends left. I know my main focus needs to be getting sober. I read somewhere that you shouldn't rely on anybody else for your happiness and that you will never be content until you learn to love yourself.

[clownfaces]

You should feel proud of yourself. 6 days sober and joining the gym.
I wish you every success

[Wonkypalmtree]

OP I am really impressed with everything you have put in your update. You are doing brilliantly, keep this up. Mumsnet is a great place for support, don’t feel alone

[FurryDogMother]

Check out Kevin O'Hara - Alcohol Mastery - on YouTube. There's a load of free videos and, if you like his approach, you can join the 'paid-for' bit for around £20 a month, and chat on the forum there to other people in a similar position. He's not a fan of AA, so it could be worth it if it's not your sort of thing either.

Massive well done on the 6 days - keep going and let your DP see that you're making a change. Remember that it really isn't all about you - he has to deal with the fallout from your drinking too, and may not have the strength to be supportive right now. He has no power over your drinking. Only you can make the change you want to see in yourself - and you need to find a way of doing that from within - I wish you all the best.

[user1495997773]

OP, you're doing a great job and it sounds like you're taking all the right steps. I really wish you well for the future X

[numptynuts]

Well done OP. I stopped drinking nearly a month ago and feel amazing. Each day and week that passes without a drink builds on that nice feeling of energy and wellness you currently have. Better sleep, more positive outlook, etc.

Alcohol really is a depressing, soul-sucking bastard.

I gave up for various reasons, along with meat and crap food. Eating loads of fruit, veg and fish and more energy but also ready for lovely deep sleeps at night.

Focus on this first and foremost. You should be really proud of yourself.

I treat myself with popcorn and chocolate. You should do the same also, with something you really love.

All the best, you can do it.

[TheHobbitMum]

Well done OP! 6 days is bloody brilliant, you should be very proud of yourself. I would really try and find a support group so you have others around you who can understand and support you. Put your recovery and happiness first

[aroomwithaperfectview]

Congratulations! Focus on what's good for your health first. The rest will follow. Shame you're not getting support from your DP but what's you're achieving now is for the best.

[Myheartbelongsto]

Well done to you op!

My boyfriend was drinking about 150 cans per week plus any wine he could get his hands on and he has stopped.

If he can do it anyone can.

[Spottybotty14]

6 days is Amazing! 😊.
You’re already doing so well.
Concentrate on the things that are in your sphere of influence, so concentrate on not drinking, good nutrition and decent exercise (and a multivitamin!)
Here’s a couple of good books for you...
Justin Vale kicking the drink
Why we Sleep... can’t remeber the author..
Both very motivating and easy to read.
I found them very helpful and have made some great lifestyle changes..
AA works for a lot of people. Try it and see how you get on.
Everything else (I mean how your DP treats you now) is outside your sphere of influence.
He will either see the changes you make and step up to the plate to help and be the partner you need/want.... or he won’t....

Either way you will have done brilliantly for yourself..

[Username36]

I really appreciate all the lovely comments. It's has really cheered me up so thank you

I was sober for 4 weeks in December but my main motivation for that was that I had an operation coming up. So two weeks before and two weeks recovering from the operation. This time I feel my goals are different in that I don't want this alcoholic life anymore. It has slowly over the last few years destroyed my self-esteem and self-respect.

I have been to AA before on several occasions and if I'm honest I'm not sure it's for me. I met some great people but also met a few, one in particular, who kind of clung on to me and I feel was more looking to help me for herself rather than me if that makes sense. She was constantly texting me and looking to meet up for coffee in an apparent aim to get me sober, but she went NC on me after a couple of weeks. She then got back in touch a while later and did exactly the same thing again. I'm glad she disappeared as was finding her incessant texting a nuisance and wanted to be left alone. Sorry if this offends anyone. I know that most people at hear meetings are not like that at all but in my experience I found a few people like that and it actually made me want to run as far away from AA as possible.

As I said earlier, I have arranged counselling through my work and have the first session tomorrow. O was wondering if I should take off work to get me through the first couple of weeks but I think this would actually be to my detriment as it would give me too much time alone with my thoughts. The first three days or so we're rough as felt dizzy and nauseous but think I'm coming out the other side now.

[Username36]

Sorry about all the typos. Difficult to write on my phone!! I will check out the YouTube videos and literature suggested-thank you!! Tonight I'm watching a film called Smashed which is very interesting so far.

I have been taking my multivitamins and fish oil everyday for the last 6 days, especially focussing on thiamine. I bought these while still drinking but as I wasn't looking after myself I never found the time (was too drunk in the evenings) to remember to take them. What a difference being sober makes to self-care!

[Chasingcars123]

Well done OP you should be very proud of yourself.

[Loopytiles]

Keep going OP.

[clownfaces]

If you feel physically able to work, I think you should. You may find that you have too much time on your hands otherwise. I find work to be a distraction at difficult times.

[Username36]

Me too @clownfaces. I took Wednesday off and it was actually my hardest day so far and I just spent most of it in bed sleeping. At least with work I get up, cycle and have company until at least 5:30pm. Funny enough, I would say the dangers of relapse are more likely when I'm on my own rather than when I'm passing a bar/ off-licence.

[Spottybotty14]

Hang in there
If AA wasn’t for you then def read Justin Vale. It changed my whole outlook..
be kind to yourself.
You will get great support here.

[Username36]

I stupidly messaged him at 1am with 'I miss you' as I couldn't sleep and was thinking about things over and over in my head. He read it and didn't reply. He probably thought I was back on the drink and it was a drunken text but as long as I know I've stayed off the alcohol, I suppose that's all that matters at the minute. One week today!

I got up really early today and went to an accupuncture session. After that I went for breakfast in a cafe and shopping. Feeling a lot better. I have to keep my dignity in tact during this and realise I'm worth more than sending him desperate texts.

[clownfaces]

Don't be too hard on yourself about the text User You have a lot to deal and are doing very well. I bet you're right in that he will have thought it was a drunken text.
I don't know much about alcohol problems but I'm sure I've read on mn that partners of alcoholics are advised to withdraw as they can't take responsibility for making them stop drinking. Maybe as the days move on he will agree to meet for coffee, or maybe as you get stronger, you may decide that you can cope without him.
did you have counselling today? Hope you're feeling ok.

[springydaff]

Sorry about the AA nutter who put you off!

As with, say, the church, it isn't about the individuals. 12-step is absolutely brilliant (imo) and so worth weathering the difficult sorts you will inevitably meet somewhere along the line.

Perhaps speak to someone who will speak to her sponsor to get her to lay off. Better still, get your own sponsor. Xx

[springydaff]

It wasn't such a bad text at all! It's true, you miss him.

So what if he thinks you're in your cups: you aren't.

Well done

[Username36]

The counselling went really well today thanks and I have at least 5 more free sessions so am determined to make the most of them. That's me past the one week sober milestone. Need to stay focused on that.

He got in touch today to ask how I've been keeping so at least he's more or less checking in with me daily. I know that I shouldn't be worrying too much about he relationship at this early stage in my sobriety but I am finding it quite difficult. I suppose I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself!! There are loads of people who sit in on their own at the weekend and don't complain about it.

[ferando81]

Very ,very hard to live with an alcoholic.Your partner might be a twat but living with a drunk is hard work (alcoholics rarely remember the trauma their drinking has caused friends and family)and could possibly explain his twatishness.
Good luck .