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I'm falling apart and have no-one to talk to

39 replies

raggybaggy · 11/06/2018 11:06

My H - a can't bring myself to call him a DH - is destroying me with the way he behaves and I don't know how much more I can take. So here is my pathetic story that I can't tell anyone else.

About 3 years ago my younger brother started a relationship with a girl who at that time was 2, he was 27. She moved in to the house my dad owns where she shared some rooms with my brother. The whole family met her and thought she was lovely, including me.

The christmas before last, the whole family including me, my H and child went over to spend a few days together for christmas and new year. During those few days, I noticed that my brothers girlfriend was quite flirty with my H (who is the same age as this girl's father). My H lapped up the attention. I was upset but said nothing, because although I could see and sense what was happening, it was all too easily deniable. He would say I was imagining it.

Over the next few months we met up as a big family group many times. i notice that whenever they have the opportunity to sit next to each other, they do. About this time last year, at a family gathering, my brother's GF said her dad was turning 50 that year and I laughed and said my H was turning 50 too. My H gave me the filthiest look and didn't talk to me for a few hours. He left the room in a sulk - although nobody would have noticed this.

When I asked him why he was so upset, he just said he didn't like me making a point of his age and he didn't want to think about it. But I was convinced that it was because I was making the connection between his age and this girl's fathers age in front of her.

In the meantime, my H had seemed worn out and tired with his demanding job. He works really hard and has done all his working life. I had said to him that I thought it would be good if he took a few weeks off from working to go off travelling and experience some of the lovely things that I had when I was younger. I really felt that this would be a great thing for him and give him an opportunity to experience meeting new people and see the world differently.

I talked to my younger brother about this and he said that he was planning to go hiking in italy with friends and it would be great if my H went too. So I talked to my H and it was agreed. Then in the autumn it seemed like that trip would take too long and also my brother's friends hadn't confirmed that they'd be able to go. So the plan changed to france and the dates changed. And then my brother said his GF was going to come too. This made me worried but it seemed unlikely she'd be able to get time off work to do it.

Last christmas we all got together again at my parents house - where my brother and his GF also live - to celebrate xmas and new year.
Again I noticed this flirty behaviour between the 2 of them. However there was nothing that was very obvious until a couple of hours after we'd rung in the new year. We were all sitting around the kitchen table playing board games. Everyone had drunk quite a lot, but I was sober. My H was sitting with his arm around my brother's GF and I noticed that his hand slipped from her shoulder and was resting on her bum. I sat there for a while observing this situation. She looked at me and smiled. I left the room and went to check to see if the london underground was still running so I could leave and go home.She came into the other room and asked what I was doing and I told here I was checking to see if the tube was still running. She assured me that it was and that I could easily get on it now if I wanted to leave. I didn't reply to her.

At that point I decided not to leave. and instead to have it out with my H. So when everyone started to go off to bed, I dragged my H into the porch and angrily asked him why he was sitting in full view of the whole family with his hands on my brother's GF's bum. He denied it. I told him not to be stupid as I was sitting opposite them observing. He tried to leave the house and get in the car to leave. I locked the door so he couldn't get out because he was too drunk to drive. We had a terrible night arguing, locked in the porch. Eventually he was too tired to do anything and we went to bed. I didn't sleep a wink. In the morning he said he was leaving and I stopped him, saying that everyone would want to know why he was leaving and that I wasn't going to lie for him. So he agreed to stay and we pretended our way through the day and eventually went home.

He told me later that he was so drunk he had no recollection of having done anything inappropriate. I told him I knew he had feelings for her and that he had to get over it, because the whole situation is impossible and would split my family apart and make everyone miserable. He agreed.

So then we had the run-up to departure for this trip he was going on with my brother - and his GF who's managed to get 3 weeks off. There have been multiple times where we've got together and I have bitten my toungue, kept my temper, been the grown up, ignored the obvious attraction between them. My brother is completely oblivious.

I have asked my H outright how he's going to manage his feelings for this girl in this difficult situation of being on a hiking trip with her and my brother. He said he doesn't have any feelings for her and has said he'll feel a bit of a spare part because obviously they're a couple and he'll be left out. He said he could see I was anxious about this trip and feeling insecure, so he'd cancel it.

I told him not to - because it was all arranged. I also thought he would have to face the fact that the whole thing is ridiculous - that he can't carry on this flirty relationship with a girl half his age, who's in a relationship with his brother in law (who he's very fond of incidentally). Also I knew I'd be branded the jealous, insecure wife in his mind and he'd use this against me.
So on friday we all met up at my dad's house again. During which time, my dad went on and on about how wonderful my brother's girlfriend is and how she fits in so well to this family etc etc. Everyone loves her. I used to, but not anymore.

So my H is now off hiking with them. He just sent me a whatsapp photo of the 2 of them together. In this picture, she's in the middle, standing slightly apart from my brother but she and my H have their arms touching from should to wrist.

I feel physically sick. I can't tell any of my friends or family about this situation - because how can i? I feel so troubled. I hate my H at this moment for the fact that his behaviour has made me feel so trapped and that he has hi-jacked my family and my happiness.

I'm pretty sure that he has had affairs in the past, he never admitted it and I could never prove it. But to get into this situation which is so explosive for not just our marriage, but my entire family is just horrendous.

I'm not stupid and I know him well, so I know that I am right about this. I can tell me their body language and the way they're always next to each other at every opportunity. Now there's nothing I can do but sit here and wait to see what happens and think about what I'm going to do.
And I really don't know what I'm going to do.
Anyway, I had to get this off my chest which is why I'm typing it here, because there's no-one else to share this with.
It might be the straw that breaks the camels back and leads to splitting. When I look back at our marriage, I can see all the times when my H has behaved really badly and selfishly. Looking into the future, there's no reason to think that it will change. My DS is 13. He'd be devastated if we split. He'd be even more devastated if he knew the reason, as he adores my brother's GF too.

I've never felt so heart sick in my life. I couldn't go to work today because I feel frankly, mentally unstable like I'm about to crack up.

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Putbiglighton · 11/06/2018 13:15

I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation for you. I empathise totally with the way you are feeling (not much help, I know) and how physically and mentally awful this makes you feel.
I feel that you need to take back some control and tell him that he won't be welcome back for as long as it takes you to get your head straight about things. It does sound as though he is sensitive about getting older and flattered by this girls attention. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with it
I understand you are concerned for your son and your extended family, but please don't put up with this treatment. Yes, he will say you are jealous and insecure and she will be smirking and feeling powerful. But you have power too. You are married to him, with everything that that involves, legally speaking. You are the mother of his son. Your son would not accept his father treating you like this, if he had any idea how he was behaving.
I put up with this kind of thing from my ex husband for 27 years. We are now divorced. There came a point when I just couldn't stand it any longer and had to put myself first.
Nothing I've written is very helpful to you, but I want you to know that someone else knows how it feels and I'm sending you hugs and strength.