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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ducks in a row-HELP! He saw a solicitor a month ago!!

46 replies

Orchardmummy · 27/05/2018 05:52

This weekend I told my husband it was over but turns out he saw a solicitor a month ago to "find out his rights" wtaf?! So he must have wanted it to end too (separate thing for me to deal with)

Anyway, it's a bloody bank holiday so I've not been able to get through to anyone for my own legal advice.

Got kids and mortgage.

He's told me he wants "primary carer status".

What do I need to do???

He's asked for "breathing space" so I came to my friend's for a few nights but got the feeling I need to be back in the house ASAP. Missing the kids but also sense that legally I need to be present.

Also, is it better to be divorced or do the divorcing?!

I have legal cover thank god.

Any help much appreciated x

OP posts:

Report

CillaBlackFanOnIce · 27/05/2018 05:56

Sorry you're experiencing this. I'm not clued up legally at all but my instinct would be to say to get back home now. It could be used against you if he's going for primary carer. Do you work?

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 27/05/2018 06:09

If he is the primary carrr that means the children would be living with him day to day. It would be his starting point for arguing he should get more than a 50/50 split of the assets as he’d need to adequately house the children.

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 27/05/2018 06:10

If he’d wanted breathing space it should have been him that left.

You leaving and not taking the kids made it a bit trickier. What if he refuses to let you back in?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 27/05/2018 06:13

You can tell he's had legal advice, unfortunately.

Get back home this morning. Don't tell him you're coming.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 27/05/2018 06:14

You need to move back into your home with your kids now. Don't establish a new norm of him being with the kids and you living elsewhere. Move back today.
Is there any reason why he would be the primary parent, is he sahd for example?

Kikidelivers · 27/05/2018 06:18

What do you mean, you have legal cover?

No legal expenses insurance will cover divorce. It’s cold hard cash that is needed to pay for a divorce.

You have to really woman up. This man sounds sneaky and very on the ball.

Stay at the house, gayherfinancial information (value of house, pensions, savings) and get yourself to a solicitor pronto

Kikidelivers · 27/05/2018 06:20

As to whether better to be divorced or do the divorcing, if you are in the Uk it makes no difference whatsoever

Orchardmummy · 27/05/2018 06:25

@CillaBlackFanOnIce yes I work full time.

OP posts:

Orchardmummy · 27/05/2018 06:25

@MooseBeTimeForSpring thank you-I have no clue how to do this x

OP posts:

Orchardmummy · 27/05/2018 06:27

@Kikidelivers My family legal protection covers divorce I think x

OP posts:

puguin86 · 27/05/2018 06:28

Op go home now. This happened to someone I know. Her ex dp refuses to let her back and changed the locks. She went to a B and B then got her own flat. She stupidly listened to other people about not making a scene at the house in front of the children so didn't try to get back in the house. They went to court. By this time she was made out to have run off for a young single lifestyle. He got primary care status and the house. Everyone ostracised her. It broke her. It sounds so dramatic but since seeing that and how cold and calculating her ex was. Just be v careful especially as he has had legal advice !

Highhorse1981 · 27/05/2018 06:30

Orchard I’ve only ever worked in Insurance

It will not cover divorce.

Highhorse1981 · 27/05/2018 06:30

Are you in the Uk? If so, 100% it will not

If outside of Uk, unlikely but I couldn’t be sure

AnnaMagnani · 27/05/2018 06:31

Go back home NOW. If he wants breathing space, he can move out for a bit.

Why does he want primary carer status? Has he been a stay at home dad? Does he actually do most of the childcare?

Just because he wants it, doesn't mean you have to agree right now. That is what the divorce, the lawyers and potentially the judge is for.

Again, he says he wants breathing space - you are getting divorced now, so you don't have to say 'yes dear' and trot off and give him some.

SO far he has had the legal advice, you have had none and he is just imagining how the divorce will go in his fantasy where you completely agree with him.

Please stop doing that.

Sally2791 · 27/05/2018 06:33

It does sound like he's playing a very clever game. Definitely get home and do not do anything else he asks before getting legal advice.

Mxyzptlk · 27/05/2018 06:34

Do you own the house jointly? If so, I don't believe it's legal for him to try to keep you out.

AjasLipstick · 27/05/2018 06:34

Is he the full time carer of the children whilst you work full time?

WallisFrizz · 27/05/2018 06:35

As the pp says, if he wants to be primary care, he wants to keep the house/have a larger share of assets and potentially for you to pay him child maintenance.

Is this reasonable? Does he mainly care for the children? Would they feel most stable staying with him for a larger proportion of the time? If the answers are yes, then maybe try and work with him for an amicable divorce. If the answers are no, get back in the house asap. Pay for good legal advice after the bank holiday and read up Divorce in the meantime. Before your solicitors appt, make sure you know as much info as you can about yours and his mortgage/debts/savings/investments and any other relevant financial info relating to both of you.

Jessbow · 27/05/2018 06:39

Do you believe he saw a solicitor a month ago? if he wants space, let him go and find it
Just get back in the house and start standing up for yourself or he'll walk all over you.

whiteroseredrose · 27/05/2018 06:42

Do you WANT him to have the DC?

I appreciate you must have had a shock at his response to your announcement but I agree with others you need to go back home. If the DC are with him he can fight to stay in the family home till they're 18 potentially.

Is he a SAHD? My understanding via a friend is that the starting point is 50:50 then the discussions begin.

Doyoumind · 27/05/2018 06:50

Agree with PPs. You must go home and without him knowing in advance to make sure you can get in.

I disagree the courts start with 50:50. It's more standard to have a resident parent and non-resident who gets every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights midweek. Amount of contact will impact on child maintenance. 50:50 would mean none. If he had more than you, you would owe him.

He can't decide he's the primary carer. You can only decide that together or a court can decide if you don't agree, but recent arrangements will influence their decision

Although you can't get legal advice for a few days, there's plenty of advice on here in the meantime.

Cawfee · 27/05/2018 07:02

Get back home right now. Do not leave home again. When you get back you tell him you now need breathing space so he can get gone for a few nights. Why is he calling the shots? Don’t tell him you are coming. Have you got a back door key? Go in through the back. Start establishing it’s your house. Who normally looks after the kids full time?

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Cawfee · 27/05/2018 07:05

In the uk everything goes to mediation first anyway so stop panicking. Get home and start googling local solicitors. Email them all today and ask for costs and an ASAP appointment. Email at least 6 to give yourself a choice. Keep posting on here for help and support. Don’t agree to anything with him. Everything he says respond with “I’ll discuss that with my solicitor”. If you’ve got a joint bank account and no money if your own, go open your own account

PetulantPolecat · 27/05/2018 07:10

Oh and he can’t change the locks and kick you out. You see that advice given so many times on here but you can’t. If he changed the locks he’s required to provide you with a key and he can’t prevent you from living in the house.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 27/05/2018 07:25

He will be on the phone first thing Tuesday morning.
I would take Tuesday off work. Where’s all your paperwork?
Can your friend come back with you to the house?

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