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How to end this FINALLY?!

(37 Posts)
Tobbay Thu 24-May-18 05:22:36

So you may have read some of my previous posts about my DO. Lots of him rejecting me, putting me last, etc etc......

He is a narcissist I've realised and completely love bombed me the beginning and then asked me to marry him and 6 days later went NC out the blue, blocked me and dumped me for his ex. He saw her for 2 weeks and during that two weeks thete was a web of lies and deceit, he then came crawling back to me and I'm afraid I took him back.... so anyone who has been bowled over by a narcissist will know, they make you feel like yiur relationship is out of this world and that you've finally found your soulmate.

Anyway, I married him and our relationship has been up and down and considerably more down as time has gone on. We don't live together and in true narcissist style he then started to ignore, reject and abuse me (emotionally and verbally and almost physically).

Fast forward to yesterday....

He had an email from the ex also g if he'd been looking at her linkedin account..

Today at 4.45pm he had numerous messages with his ex... the one he dumped me for and recently connected with ... and among the messages he says he's been looking on her linkedin account "yes it was me, as curiosity killed the cat as they say!!" COMPLETE FLIRTING AND WAY TO OPEN UP COMMUNICATION
He theh said "I know I've made some bad choices" MEANING ME (funnily enough he made that same speech to me when he's dumped me and didn't want her anymore!
And he said he's really glad she's ok, really glad apparently..

He's deleted them permantly out his email but luckily I screen shot all of them.
He's now changed his linkedin password and work password (which he VOLUNTARILY gave to me due to his previous cheating) and has lied through his teeth as I haven't let on I know yet and been loving and normal and he's clearly been emailing her all night last night whilst planning our "lovely weekend this bank holiday and telling me he loves me!

So finally I am strong enough and this is the straw that broke the camel's back..
Please don't judge that I haven't left yet..... it's very hard and you always think "if only I just wait or if I only I try a bit harder then he'll go back to being loving and amazing

So I walk to walk away with him knowing what he's lost.
Do you think showing him the screen shots in person is the way to go? I really want him to know he's proved everything I've said right...... only a few hours ago he was saying "I have never messaged anyone especially her and never will. I love you too much to ever hurt you again"

Fucking liar.

And how do i stop from being hurt? As this is still hurtful and I don't want to get rose tinted glasses again and think his shit, disgusting, cheating ways are acceptable?

Tobbay Thu 24-May-18 05:25:00

First line should say DH

Sorry about spelling, it's early and my phone doesn't play ball!

squiglet111 Thu 24-May-18 06:00:58

I wouldn't even tell him you know he's been messaging. I would say it's cos your dont love him and more and want a divorce. Why tell him the reason you are leaving is because of the messages to her, he can just try to worm his way out. The way to hurt if, if possible is to say you don't care about him anymore. So it's not his choice, it's yours. If things pick up with his ex will he do the same to you again? That way he's gets the upper hand. Keeps you in back burner if things don't work out with ex again... Nope.. cut him dead.... Things aren't working for you, you don't love him.... The end

43percentburnt Thu 24-May-18 06:15:09

I agree with squiggles. I’d tell him I’ve changed my mind about the relationship. I’d Tell him I’m just not into him and certainly can’t see a future with him. I wouldn’t breathe a word of what I know. Wouldn’t get upset or angry in front of him. I calmly repeat I’m really not interested in continuing the relationship as I can’t see a future. I’d then get on with building a life without him anywhere near me!

Tobbay Thu 24-May-18 06:29:16

Yes maybe you're right..

I want to be as dignified as possible nd leave him reeling... which obviously he wint as he's already got one (or more) lined up!

mummmy2017 Thu 24-May-18 06:35:40

Been here...
The I don't love you anymore seems to work best...
You have to split the man you loved and wanted too be with and this person you now see.... if you can do that you can move forward...

eve34 Thu 24-May-18 07:19:45

I would just quietly go. Don't inflate his ego any further by letting him know you have been looking for evidence.

You can do this and leave him wondering. He will hate not knowing.

Joysmum Thu 24-May-18 07:35:19

Being able to o leave isn’t about him, it’s about you focussing on you and finally being in the right state of mind.

Personally I’d not worry about leaving him reeling, the important bit here is that you think about how best to protect yourself from his games rather than joining in on the game playing.

Mrstobe90 Thu 24-May-18 07:52:44

You're doing the right thing in choosing to leave.
Well done for not taking his shit anymore.
If you stayed, he would just continue to lie and cheat and you don't deserve that.

Tobbay Thu 24-May-18 08:06:51

Thank you... yes you're right, not to think about him and his reactions but what I want and what's best for my well being

Joysmum Thu 24-May-18 09:41:40

Exactly the more you focus on him, the less you are meeting your own needs and things aren’t as likely to go your way. Doesn’t mean you can’t dream of the day karma bites him on the arse though wink

Platterheed Thu 24-May-18 09:55:52

Do you know, I’m finally ending with a similar sounding narcissist too.

What a fucking roller-coaster hey?

I wouldn’t be able to resist smacking the evidence in his face either.

I’m realising, the more I make noise about getting on with life without him, the more he hates it.

At some point i’ll Have to go NC and that’s hard as I’m used to a lot of contact, mainly to feed his needs and I’m still doing it!!

I really wish you well. It’s amazing how when you step outside you see it all clearly. How did they manage to hold us for so long?

Why didn’t I see it better before last weekend? Even posting on here about his morally twisted compass, I got great advice AND STILL, he managed to hold me but hell was I punished for making a stand in the first place.

I seriously feel like a crackhead, because even now - it’s hard to ignore him.

Seriously OP, if banging the evidence in front of him gives you a feeling of justice served, do it.

I posted a FB couple photo of us on his account a couple of weeks ago after he’d been vile, made it look like he’d said beautiful things about me. Of course, it’s the most sterile ‘I’m so cool’ with no trace of us anywhere ever FB profile. I’m still laughing hard now because so many people liked and commented on it being a gorgeous photo, how happy he looked and his hareem suddenly realised he had been in a relationship for 2 plus years.

The comments were lovely, I will always carry that with me and laugh my arse off in my darkest moments.

Sometimes, it’s the small triumphs get us through.

Good luck OP flowers

hellsbellsmelons Thu 24-May-18 10:06:52

And how do i stop from being hurt?
Sorry but you don't.
Not initially anyway.
This will take time.
And we all heal at different rates.

Having spent 6+ years on/off with a narc, I know exactly where you are coming from.

Don't tell him anything.
That will piss him off the most.
HE wants to look like the good guy.
But he won't.
You just tell others what he's done.
Then you leave, block, ignore and delete.
Do not respond to anything he sends you.
Honestly, it drives these 'men' mad.

Well done on being ready.
It takes many attempts.
Unfortunately I gave my ExP way too many chances.
They don't change. In fact they seem to get worse, so don't back down this time.

SandyY2K Thu 24-May-18 10:32:05

I'd play it differently. By telling him you know he's untrustworthy and this has killed your love for him.

I'd be doing that when you've got all your ducks in a row.

Goldmonday Thu 24-May-18 10:36:32

Don't bother showing him the screenshots or showing the messages, he has proven to be manipulative and will tell lies upon lies to make himself innocent and make you the villain for "invading" his privacy.

Do yourself a favour, pack your bags and just leave. Don't waste another breath on this loser, he will NEVER change!

DailyMailClickbait Thu 24-May-18 10:37:13

I wouldn't tell him you know. I'd do what Squiglet and 43percent have suggested and tell him you've lost interest, it's not working because you don't love him and want a divorce.

He's getting off on playing the two of you off on each other. Competing and doing the "pick me" dance because it makes him feel like a prize catch. What an almighty dent to his ego if you simply say that you're not that into him anymore...

DailyMailClickbait Thu 24-May-18 10:37:48

Oh and absolutely block, delete, ignore and funnel all communications to a solicitor.

StaplesCorner Thu 24-May-18 10:45:25

So you don't share a property but do you have any financial connection? Starting to sever ties like that will make it more final for you both - he sounds like the sort that will constantly be on at you afterwards though so I agree you need to speak to a solicitor, get the ball rolling.

Tobbay Thu 24-May-18 12:08:24

@platterheed that's just it... it's like a drug addiction and I'm used to loads of contact so nc so is going be so hard....

I'm still talking as normal today until I get to see him tomorrow night.
It's unbelievable how he is still making plans with me as normal.... yet he's clearly messaging his ex!

I don't know whether yo actually have the bank holiday with him and then do It? Or is that just prolonging my own agony??

Granville72 Thu 24-May-18 12:21:44

Prolonging your own agony. Why on earth would you want to spend the weekend with him.

It's a bit like a plaster, you know it needs to come off and the only way is a quick short whip it off. No point teasing it gently, it only hurts for longer.

Platterheed Thu 24-May-18 12:25:00

@Tobbay, Good question. My addict would do the weekend, quietly giving me more facts but also double-checking I’m not dreaming it - because it’s so brazen.

Ive got good at glossing and pretending it’s ok while mulling it over.

If you go, knowing what you do - your mindset will be different. You may find yourself snapping at him a bit more, or feeling resentment and narcs hate it.

After posting on here about him taking other women back to his flat, I couldn’t look at him in the eye. I was really quite offhand the same day and he was quite startled. And then behaved badly of course. Including leaving the pub when I was in the toilet for no other reason than I had requested the drink and he wanted to be schmoozing elsewhere!

I could see he was going to dart off on me after 15 minutes so took his washbag out of his rucksack so he’d have some sort of inconvenience. They hate you getting your own back. It was a master stroke because it had his weed in it. (I don’t touch it btw, I won’t miss that being his focus either)

I knew I had to tell him to foxtrot Oscar but did all this anyway. For weeks. Because he is an addiction and I need to get right off him and on to a grown up who gives a shit.

He’s made me so anxious and paranoid that I’m hoping to be over this soon. He made me quite ill ffs. I dumped him the minute he said I was making up a panic attack and that I was a ‘fucking mentalist nutjob’. It’s the anniversary of my father dying so I just had it. Finally!

Yet, I’m still talking to him!

So, I’m being honest, I’d go because I’ve done this. I’ve had some great moments in the process and it’s helping me because I’ve been able to actually prove to myself I’m not wrong. There are then no ‘what ifs’, have I done the right thing etc.

Waffling, hope it helps.

Platterheed Thu 24-May-18 12:30:26

And it’s not easy to walk away and cut it off.

It’s so easy to say if you’ve thousands of people and family around you and an endless pot of money to distract you.

My life’s not like that and sadly, he’s had a load of my money so I’m going to hate myself in a couple of months and question what the hell I was thinking!

I could have been on a holiday with DS.

blueangel1 Thu 24-May-18 12:40:12

I spent nine years in a relationship with a covert narcissist, and he only showed his true colours when he started the discard. I then found out what callous, evil shit he was.

He was having an affair with someone I mistakenly thought was a friend, and telling two other people that he was only staying with me as "there was nothing better on offer". When I rumbled that he was having an affair, I slung him out and he went to live on his own.

His problem was that he couldn't get OW to leave her husband, and like a typical narc, he didn't want to be alone. He persuaded me to take him back, but within a week I found out he was still in contact with her so I slung him out again, after offering him a friendly smack round the head with a beer bottle.

His parting gift after the divorce was finalised was shafting a lot of my freelance work, which I shall never, ever forgive him for. Narc don't change, and they don't have normal brain functions.

Tobbay Thu 24-May-18 15:12:16

@platterheed I completely get everything you are saying.

What do you still talk to him about? Getting back together?

I think I may fall apart after tomorrow when I tell him enough is enough.

Today I'm STILL thinking.. maybe he's telling the truth... may be it's innocent... maybe if i try harder....

They send us actually crazy. My mrntal health is so fragile right now

Platterheed Thu 24-May-18 15:25:38

@Tobbay personally I think we do this ‘what if they’re genuine’ thing because we love the good stuff and don’t want to deal with what’s coming.

If you show him the messages, tell him you know he’s a liar he’ll deny, he’ll twist it on to you somehow, he’ll get around you and nothing will change. It’s one of the 3.

The smart ones above have said to cut him off and tell him nothing. We both know that’s the right thing to do but it takes a lot of strength.

I’m just weak. I miss the chats on the phone during the day. I’ve talked to him about why I ended it and shouldn’t have as he tried to reel me back. I’ve ignored that and now I’m not sure why I would take a call at all. He’s all wounded and grumpy. Not asked how I am once, hasn’t apologised for the last string of insults despite him knowing it was the anniversary of my dad dying.

I’m not sure why I’m talking to him.

But, you will feel a wreck, but probably also hopeful for a better future. As I, finger by finger remove the idea that we had something good and stop clinging to it, I feel slightly more optimistic.

I used to be a happy optimist who could see the good in any hard situ. His behaviour ground me down and removed that.

It’s nice to feel it coming back.

You will be ok. You’ll have a life of paranoid hell with him.

Here’s to us finding kind partners. It’s because we’re kind we’ve stuck these horrors so long. We deserve our love returned.

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