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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this abuse? Or do I deserve it?

43 replies

houseproudme · 20/04/2018 20:00

So my husband was on a long shift today. He called in quickly during his shift to drop the kids some ice lollies off because the weather was nice. He kissed me twice and said he's in a rush and had to go but didn't seem to have an issue with me. He Tenna texts me 2 minutes later saying 'your makeup is all wrong, I feel like I'm with a teenager' saying ' you need to make changes to your life or resenhou will end up like your mum' then making sly digs in relation to my weight and my appearance and saying I'm mentally unstable. He's asked me to 'change' but when I ask him what does he want me to change he said 'only you can change I can't do it for you'
He's made me feel so bad. I've put weight on since having my last child. I've tried diets but i just can't lose weight no matter what I do ( I'm really not making excuses) I'm 13.2 stone, 5.9 in height and if I eat 3 healthy regular meals and cut out all snacks I still put weight on even though the meals and portion size is correct. I've been to the doctors, they did blood tests and because they come back normal they say I'm depressed. My husband does this a lot, he goes on a massive rant on how I need to change and lists all my 'mental issues'
And then doesn't suggest anything to change?
Then everything goes back to normal and starts again months later. It's so confusing because if he was so unhappy why does he still have with me and kiss me? Why does he Tells me he loves me? He said he does all that to 'keep the peace'
Is this abuse? Do I really deserve all this for my makeup not being right and some weight gain? He says he doesn't like the fact that I don't like to use lifts ( I don't like enclosed spaces) and he said this 'continues' to my mental issues.

OP posts:

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sosks · 20/04/2018 20:03

Absolutely don't deserve it, please don't think that. He's controlling and emotionally abusive. You deserve much better than that x

KarmaStar · 20/04/2018 20:04

Yes this is abuse op.
NO YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF IT.
YES you do deserve better.
Do you want to stay in this relationship?

PrizeOik · 20/04/2018 20:07

This is cut and dried abuse love. I'm sorry. My ex did this to me - telling me I needed to change / was awful, then refusing to elaborate and telling me I needed to basically think about what I'd done until I realized myself what I needed to change. So upsetting. Soul destroying tbh.

You do not need to be with this man. Please don't stay with him. What would need to happen for you to leave? X

Greymisty · 20/04/2018 20:09

You don't deserve this.

DancingLedge · 20/04/2018 20:13

this

No, you do not deserve it.
Lots of people don't like enclosed spaces. Someone worth having a relationship with would be supportive, because they care about you.
Critise your makeup?? Wtaf? Okay to be candid if you're asking them to be so, otherwise, not.

Sounds like he enjoys putting you in your place? Would you take this crap from a friend? No? So why take it from a partner?

You deserve better.

Thebluedog · 20/04/2018 20:19

You could lose a shit load of dead weight by kicking him insi touch.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/04/2018 20:19

I would say if you did a survey here a lot of women have put on weight due to babies aging whatever but do their dhs send them such horrible abusive texts. NO. I' m sure he is that the fine young man he was on his wedding day..absolute abuse and totally out of order. Do not say how can l change? He can bloody change or get out the door.
If you are on antidepressants they do cause weight gain at times but that is for your information not for that horrible husband.
No wonder you are depressed. He is seriously messing with your head.

OhWhatAWonderfulDay · 20/04/2018 20:21

He's a prick, sounds like he's putting you down to make himself feel better.

I'd tell him to sort his shit out or piss off

privateporcupine · 20/04/2018 20:27

The only thing you need to change is your relationship status. Leave him.

houseproudme · 20/04/2018 20:28

Thanks you

He's got a problem with my 'eyebrows' he asked me to pencil them in when I do my makeup but sometimes I don't want to do I just do foundation alone and some blusher and mascara. But he said I look like a teenager ( I'm 30) because my eyebrows are very light and I don't pencil them in. Then because I had a bit of foundation on o e of my lips he went mad at me calling a 'teenager who lives in a hostel' just Because I was rushing for he School run and forgot to wipe it off ( usually I do but I was rushing) I do t understand why he is so fixated on how I look all the time

OP posts:

8FencingWire · 20/04/2018 20:33

The only weight you need to lose is him. Tell him where to shove it next time he has a go at...your make up?!!! Seriously?!!!

gingerbreadbiscuits · 20/04/2018 20:37

Everyone would be depressed living with him.

43percentburnt · 20/04/2018 20:43

He’s an arsehole who doesn’t deserve you.

He tells you to change (which is wrong) but doesn’t tell you what to change deliberately. This is so you are always on the back foot. He wants you to guess the problem, change something but he still won’t be happy. He will criticise you more and you will change more, twisting yourself in knots to meet his requests. Your self esteem will diminish further. You will bow to his demands more.

He’s horrid. You have chosen to share your (one and only) life with him, but he’s not a nice man.

He acts nice sometimes because if not you would leave. If you left who could he be nasty to? He likes you feeling bad about yourself. The nasty him is real him.

Have you looked at counselling for you. Not for the issues he waffled on about but to build your confidence and get yourself in a position to tell him to fuck off so you can have a better happier life.

OnTheRise · 20/04/2018 20:45

Good grief. He's awful.

It doesn't matter what your make up is like, how your eyebrows look, or where your foundation is. Your partner should adore you and think you're the loveliest person ever.

You deserve so much better. Make up, weight, everything: none of it matters.

Tutuye · 20/04/2018 21:01

I find it seriously odd that he's noticing what you're doing with your eyebrows to that extent - he's the mentally ill one!?

PickAChew · 20/04/2018 21:06

Of course you don't deserve it. The arsehole doesn't deserve you, either.

Olddear · 20/04/2018 21:46

Is his name Max Factor? He seems to be taking an awful lot of interest in your cosmetics.....

houseproudme · 21/04/2018 08:20

Thank you everyone
I have to take my daughter to a school trip today, he will look after the other kids and I think he will just torture me all day saying bad things. I'm scared of doing my makeup and getting dressed now for fear he will slag off my appearance. He's been on a night shift and is due back at 10

OP posts:

Grumpyoldblonde · 21/04/2018 08:26

He sounds quite the cunt. He knows exactly what he's doing you know, this is deliberate.

Do you have girls? It's really weird he takes such an interest in your make up. Really odd.

Eatmycheese · 21/04/2018 08:30

He just sounds so utterly awful.
I can tell how this is affecting you by your posts.
Its not about your makeup or weight it’s about him having an abusive and hideous personality, making you feel uneasy and unloved.

Horrible

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2018 08:33

All this is deliberate on his part to undermine you as a person and give you spaghetti head.

Would you want your children as adults to be treated like this, to be constantly harangued and criticised?. No you would not and it is not acceptable to you either. Has he made you think that you would be nothing and are nothing without him?.

You need to lose the deadweight that is your abusive H before he further drags you and your kids who are also witnessing the abuse of their mother down with him. How can you be helped doing that?.

Lunettesloupes · 21/04/2018 08:44

These kind of guys pick up on an insecurity and use that to bully you. So with you it’s the fact you’ve put a bit of weight on and the make-up thing. Rest assured there is no perfect weight or eyebrow that would satisfy this man. If you changed those he would find something different to pick on.

He is abusive. As a PP said - I would recommend therapy to build up your self esteem ready to leave. Or the Freedom Programme is good for helping you to identify abuser tactics.

pudding21 · 21/04/2018 08:51

He's abusive. The weight thing I should probably related to cortisol. Raised cortisol caused by stress makes it difficult to lose weight. Google it.

What rights does He have to tell you what to do with your eyebrows??

lifechangesforever · 21/04/2018 08:59

Besides everything else wrong with what you've said in your post, being 13.2 at 5'9 is NOT overweight so he's definitely seeing things.. please don't put pressure on yourself for the sake of him.

Like everyone else has said, the only weight you need to lose is him. Do your makeup and your eyebrows however you want!

Parker231 · 21/04/2018 09:03

Tell him you have no plans to change as YOU are comfortable with how you are!

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