Is it me or him??

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Just want some outsiders views on this.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 6 months. It's going ok, he's a great guy and treats me really well although he can be a bit needy and intense at times. He says he's never been like this before but I make him feel needy.

A bit of info.... I'm 47 and 4 years out of a 25 year relationship and have my own place I live in with my son. He is 42, and still lives with his parents. He's lived with people before but just seems to end up back home, his longest relationship was about 6 years.

Anyway I tend to see him once during the week and at weekends, it's more than enough for me but he's not happy with this and says after six months I should be committing more. The key point is he wants to live with me and I said after six months it's a ridiculous conversation to be having and not something I would consider for years yet if ever. He says what's the point waiting and what will I know in two years time that I don't know now and he also says we will only ever know if we're compatible if we live together. I've told him no way, it's not on the agenda.

I told him if he had his own place he wouldn't be bothered about living with me and that at his age he shouldn't be living with his parents anyway. They get on his nerves, and I'm sure he gets on theirs. His relationship with his dad is pretty non existent and he could afford to go and rent somewhere yet he doesn't, just stays and then moans about them.

He is a great guy, very kind and caring, adores me ( probably too much) and whilst I do care about him he doesn't set my world on fire.

So...... after six months is the moving in conversation normal or is it just utterly crazy! My mind boggles as to why after getting out of a controlling marriage would I turn move someone into my home, and I fail to see why he can't understand that and just looks on it as rejection. I'm thinking I may be better off just finishing it so he can find someone who wants the same things he does, because I just feel trapped now and under pressure and it started me thinking maybe it's me who's being unreasonable and not him.

[Sarsparella]

It sounds like this is why he ends up living with people & then ending up back with his parents

It’s completely up to you as, when or if you ever moved in together!

Why doesn’t he have his own place? Him living at home would be really off putting to me at his age, does he even contribute to their household? Would he expect to live with you for free?

Stick to your guns, 6 months is early days yet

[adayatthebeach]

Of course your not unreasonable. I think your right in all of your comments. Sounds like he wants to escape his parents but doesn’t have the courage to live on his own. You want a man not a boy!

[Gingersstuff]

I would run very fast away from this one. Sorry, but everything in your post is saying he is not The One. He's not even The Two, or The Twenty. I would get rid, personally.

[Babyblues052]

You are both clearly on two very different pages. I personally find needy men a massive turn off. If i were in this situation id leave tbh. It doesnt sound as though your heart is really in it and sounds like your happy by yourself. What else does he bring to your life except being a great guy? Because from what you said he sounds like a whiny child.

[MammaH2018]

It’s crazy!
There’s a reason why he’s living with his parents at his age and theses also a reason why he’s only ever had one long term relationship.
Do yourself a favour and ye our of this now
It sounds like he’s using you to get a place to live - he clearly isn’t capable (or interested) in getting a place of his own so he is latching onto you to move from his parents to yours.
This will never be an equal relationship.

Dump him and find a proper,mature relationship.

[Ryder63]

I feel that once in the week and weekends seeing him are enough. It's very odd him still living at home and only leaving to live with someone else, and 6 months is far to early for that I agree. He sounds quite stifling.
As a pp said - stick to your guns! your current freedom was hard won, I bet - be very silly to jeopardise that on HIS say so!

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

No wonder he's in a rush to move in with you if he's still living with his parents at 42!

Utterly crazy conversation to be having after 6 months.

So no, YANBU at all. He is and it would totally put me off him to be honest. Why doesn't he find his own place to rent? Very odd.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Yeah, you're all right, I know you are.

No, my heart isn't in it but then sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I look at him and think how lovely he is but then sometimes he just irritates me. I think I'd respect him more if he did get off his arse and get his own place and I just don't understand why he doesn't.

Baby yes I hate the neediness in him, it's very unattractive. He messages things like he misses me (even if I saw him two days ago) and got really sad when he asked if I missed him and I said no because I only saw you a couple of days ago.

I told him yet again today he needs to sort his shit out and get out of his parents house, he just said he wants to but can't afford it on his own. He earns 30k so I'm sure if he wanted to he could but I honestly think he was hedging his bets seeing if I wanted to live with him but that's one thing I won't get railroaded into, no bloody way.

[MammaH2018]

Also if your only seeing each other 2 or 3 days a week then you definitely don’t know each other well enough to even be thinking about moving in together!

When you do see each other do you ever go to visit him at his parents? Have you met them/spent any time with them? It would be very telling to see what it’s like between them all and to see how he behaves - il bet that he acts like a child!

Does he contribute to their household, financially and day to day? (Does he do housework/do the shopping/help around the house) or does his mummy still do his washing and make his dinner for him?!

[NotTheFordType]

You can bet your bottom dollar that if you were foolish enough to move him in, it would turn out mammy has been doing all his cooking, washing and cleaning for the past 42 years and he's never had to do it himself. Even taking the bins out will be beyond him.

[Neweternal]

Sounds like you're feeling pressurised. This is his problem, you're not ready. Six months might be ok for students with no children but you have to tread carefully if you have children. What age is your son?

[MammaH2018]

told him yet again today he needs to sort his shit out and get out of his parents house, he just said he wants to but can't afford it on his own

He’s talking absolute shite.

He has no intention of moving out of that house to live on his own and it has nothing to do with money! You know fine well that he can afford to live on his own - how many millions of other people do it on far less money?!!

He isn’t going to listen to you telling him to sort himself out and get his own place. He hasn’t bothered so far so why on earth would he be bothered to
Now?!

The alarm bells are literally screaming!!!

Run. Get out now!!!!!!

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

He doesn't contribute financially as a regular thing but he pays for a lot of stuff, just replaced the oven, just replaced the shower etc. He is quite domesticated and will come round mine sometimes and cook me dinner so he's ok in that respect but the bottom line is I just dont want to live with him or anyone, not for years. My marriage was quite controlling and I used to dream of freedom and one day I just snapped and left taking only my handbag and my son. It's been a bloody hard road so no, I'm not ready to give that up plus I am so independent and I know he finds that frustrating. He has rejection issues (is adopted and has problems dealing with that) so I have to be careful not to hurt his feelings.

The more I type the more this situation sounds just bonkers.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Mamma my son is 15. He likes him, they get on well but even he said to me mum it's ridiculous for him to want to live with us, you haven't been with him long enough. My kid is very wise lol.

[Djnoun]

I think you should do him a favour and break up with him. He's probably needy because he can sense that you aren't interested in him.

[Ryder63]

He has rejection issues (is adopted and has problems dealing with that) so I have to be careful not to hurt his feelings

Well, he has little regard for your feelings if he keeps badgering you about 'commitment' - moving him in, in other words....

[Bananalanacake]

I totally agree with you. I'm also very keen on living separately for at least 5 years before thinking of living together . Though not everyone agrees. I moved in with my dp after 5 years but that was because we had a baby. Or I would have dragged it out for 5 more years at least.

[MammaH2018]

Oh god - This gets worse the more we are hearing about him!

Just dump him! This relationship is not going anywhere. Listen to your son!

And he doesn’t pay a regular financial contribution at his parents?! Oh please! What a man-baby! He bought a shower - big whoop!

Why are you even with this guy?! Seriously?! What are you getting out of it? Is he intellectually stimulating? Is he making you a better person? Is he helping you grow? Does he inspire you? Is he great in bed?

I’m guessing not......

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Smeaton my pof profile did specifically say I'm not looking to be anyones mummy and I'm not washing anyones underpants.

It's just so hard, I find people who either don't give a shit, or they want to move in. What happened to just having fun and seeing what happens, it's all a bloody ballache

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Mamma* ok why am I with him. Yes he is intellectually stimulating, he's very clever and we have some great conversations which is important to me and we do have a laugh which again is important. He does encourage me in a lot of ways and we both have a love of music. He's a really talented piano and guitar player and we have great music nights.....oh and we both share a love of vodka.

However, all the above does not make a relationship and there are a lot of things about him which are not endearing. He works shifts so he has not body clock and that annoys me too.

I need to man up and call it a day I think.

[MammaH2018]

Yeah he sounds like perhaps someone you could be friends with but it’s clear it’s never going to work as a romantic relationship.

Good luck, you’ll find someone, it’s just not this guy 😊

[TalkinBoutWhat]

He sounds like the perfect friend, vodka and music nights, fun conversation. But he's a crap partner because you'll have to carry him.

[PlausibleSuit]

Not an expert, but my armchair psychologist guess is: transference.

His issues could be causing him to seek the reassurance he never felt he was getting from his adoptive parents in other places. In this case, his relationship with you. It turns to neediness because no matter how fulfilling the relationship, any resulting reassurance wouldn't truly scratch the itch (as deep down it's to do with his parents), so it creates a cycle of neediness.

I wonder if these issues are what's causing him to boomerang back to living with them. He's forever waiting to hear some kind of magic words.

It is, in its own way, a form of control. That kind of behaviour is often all about trying, with increasing desperation, to trigger a desired response.