8 years later, I feel I can’t support my separated sister anymore.

[100percentSunshine]

I apologise in advance for the long post. This problem is keeping me awake at night.

My sister separated from her ex 8 years ago when their daughter was 4 years old. It was a very dark time and, being close to my sister, I was witness to the terrible pain, bitterness and anger that defined every minute of each day. The bitter text and email communications, the power games, the fear, the sense of abandonment, the spiralling debt that came from trying to sustain some form of life after the separation. I have given everything I’ve got to try to support my sister throughout the years; advice, warmth, moral support, business support (bought a computer and developed a website for her to set up her own retail business), I mediated between her and her ex to agree the asset/ financial split, had holidays with her and my niece for the past two years, had her to stay with me and my family, cooking every meal, doing all the washing up, paying for meals out.

Eight years after the separation, my sister still carries the pain and anger and bitterness towards her ex who she still has to deal with in relation to their now 12 year old daughter. To numb/ escape the pain, she drinks a lot. She’s never been to see a counsellor because she fears dredging up the past. She has, however, just started out on a new relationship which has offered her some light relief.

Last August saw a turning point in my feelings of ability to support my sister anymore. I feel I have nothing more to give. It started with an occasion when after too much alcohol, she lashed out at me. I was very hurt and needed some distance from her after that, eventhough we were due to go on holiday together. I feel that there are some deep rooted resentments she holds towards me: for having an easy life compared to her, a stable relationship (although this has taken ALOT of work to hold together), not being in debt (which has also taken a lifetime of careful budgeting). I fronted the money for the holiday which was booked 2 years ago and for which she still owes me £1000 and so I feel that she begrudges me that I haven’t wiped this debt off for her.

Another vicious argument broke out recently when we were together at our mum’s to celebrate Mother’s Day after too much alcohol. About 9pm I saw her 12 year old daughter crying hard after her mum had yet again told her how much she hated her father (my sister’s ex). It was too much for me and I confronted my sister about her drinking and about how she needs to protect her daughter from her own hatred of her ex. The fallout was horrific- “how dare you attack my parenting, you know nothing of the pain I’ve been through”….

I have always been the rescuer in my family but I don’t know how to fix this one. I feel angry towards my sister for being so self-obsessed and blind at the damage she is causing herself and her daughter and her family- the people who care for her the most. And yet I feel sorry for her too as I can see that she is not coping with the pain she is still carrying after 8 years of separation. I can see that alcohol is now playing a dangerous role in her life and damaging her relationships with others. I am worried for my niece and her future mental wellbeing. I know that my sister needs professional help but that she will not take that advice from me and she will say that she can’t afford it or is too afraid to go.

I am conscious of my angry feelings towards her but at the same time aware of the reasons behind her behaviour and so I still have sympathy for her but feel that relations between us are too tense to be able to help anymore.

Should I make an effort to communicate this or keep my distance and let her find her own feet?

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Hellywelly10]

Do you live with her?

[sofato5miles]

Eight years! Jesus. I would some residual dislike but that is obsessive. Her poor daughter. For a you niece have email/ a phone? She is the only one who I would prioritise now.

You sister sounds spoilt and egotistical. And she has developed a problem with alcohol. It's time for her to grow the Fuck up.

[Rudgie47]

I think you have done more than enough for her and its now time for her to move on from the past. Theres loads she can be doing to make life interesting and fun for herself and daughter, instead of living in the past and being bitter.
I think i'd just say something like we have had a few differences recently and that you need time to yourself and with your own family and this is your priority at the moment. Just tell her that you cant do it anymore and that she needs to move on. If she cant do it herself then suggest she goes for therapy.
I wouldnt totally fall out with her, I'd just back right off and just see her at family things you have to go to.

[HipsterAssassin]

I would step back from your sister, you’re sort of enabling her now in a way, although with best of intentions.

The person who really needs your support now is your niece and I would be very much in touch with her by phone/text but withdraw from your sister.

Sounds very hard.

[PussGirl]

You have done more than enough, really. She sounds resentful & as if she doesn't even appreciate what you've been doing. And yes, she has a problem with her drinking, but only she can work that one out for herself.

Back off but keep supporting your niece. Poor girl

[50ShadesOfEarlGrey]

I don’t think I would make a thing of it, but I would, little by little, back away and perhaps move your relationship back to just being sisters, with your own lives. She will have to stand on her own two feet and you will probably be quite relieved that you no long feel quite so responsible for her.
I do think that you need to keep a watchful eye on your DNiece though. Could you do a regular meet up with her? Something like a Friday night treat, or become cinema buddies?

[billybagpuss]

Can your mum help at all? Your sister needs help with her alcohol consumption and seriously needs counselling. Two things that you are probably not be qualified to give and that she needs to be ready and willing to accept.

I think you do need to pull back a bit and next time she needs help, which she will, don't be so readily available with it, or offer the help on the condition she seeks help for her drinking.

As others have said, definitely keep close relations with your niece.

[Lizzie48]

It's definitely time to back off from your sister, it's time for her to grow up and take charge of her own life. Your poor DNiece, is it possible for you to continue to take her under your wing? The suggestion from a PP of being cinema buddies, or going swimming together, or whatever mutual interest you may have, is a very good one.

Your sister really needs to stop venting out her hatred towards her ex in front of her DD, and it sounds like her drinking is well out of control. Would she be more likely to listen to your mum than to you?

Ultimately, though, your sister has to help herself. You and your mum should prioritise your DNiece.

[MinaPaws]

What a tough position to be in. You need to protect your own wellbeing, your own relationship and your own finances now. It sound slike she's depleted them. But it would be hard to break the tie with your niece. I can't advise on that. Have no idea what I'd do. But distance yourself from your sister, yes. Being on the receiving end of that alcoholic vindictiveness is so exhausting and damaging. to you for all you have done for her so far.

[springydaff]

Go to Al Anon. Really, it is the best place for you to go.

You need to reorder your thoughts and stance about her, which Al Anon will give you.

I don't see you can back off bcs you need to be close to protect her daughter.

It goes without saying she needs to go to AA.

[NameChange30]

Honestly? You’ve done too much for her already. I know it came from a good place, but as a PP said, you’ve been enabling her in a way, and the “rescuer” impulses can go so far. It sounds as if there has been some enmeshment or at least some blurring of boundaries between you.

She has an alcohol problem and it’s not surprising that she didn’t take kindly to you pointing out. The only thing you can do it gently encourage to get help and keep a bit more distance between you in order to protect yourself.

What are/were your parents like? How did they treat you both growing up? This kind of sibling dynamic doesn’t usually come from nowhere.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You've been enabling her to avoid the consequences of her actions, enabling her to avoid becoming a responsible adult. You meant well but this is damaging both of you.

Step right back.

Go to Al-Anon.

Read about codependency.

[AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork]

Back off from her.
Make sure your niece knows you are there for her. Be there for her. My alcoholic mother saw off any family or family friends - especially the ones who should could have provided her children with support. They came to her funeral though, which was nice, and said what a pity it was that we had lost touch and that they wished they had done more for me as a teenager. There was nothing stopping them doing more.

[Lizzie48]

Your sister does sound like my brother, although he also has serious MH issues. But he can get equally defensive and hostile when challenged. My DM has been enabling him for years, and has always asked me to 'look out' for him. I've had to back off for my own mental well-being and that of my 2 DDs, who he could be quite aggressive towards sometimes. (There are also historic issues, but that's another thread.) Thankfully, he never had kids.

You can't change your sister. The more you give, the more she'll take. She sounds very self absorbed and spoilt.

[ScruffbagsRUs]

Back away and be there for your DN. Your sister is an adult, not a child, and she needs to act like one.

I agree with a pp that you have enabled her behaviour somewhat, but I can see the good intentions behind it. It's not for you to sort your sister's life out, it's her job to do that, and she may need to hit rock bottom before she realises what affect her actions have had on the wider family circle.

Stop enabling her behaviour and let her take responsibility for her own actions.

[100percentSunshine]

Thank you SO much for taking the time to give such insightful comments. I am overwhelmed by the clear message in ALL of the responses to back off and stop enabling. Hellywelly1, no I don't live with my sister, we live in separate counties, 5 hours drive from each other- which makes being cinema buddies with my niece really tricky. billybagpuss, no my mum can't help. AnotherEmma has hit the nail on the head- there was enmeshment growing up in my family- a delicate balance always of being in favour or out of favour, a desperate yearning to bring it all back to normal again if the family balance was tipped (which usually meant no one talking to each other for sometimes months on end, unable to discuss the issue in an adult way). We had no guidance on conflict resolution from my parents as they themselves couldn't resolve their own conflicts- lots of tiptoeing around my dad, my mum completely powerless to defend us or stand up for us or herself. Both my parents have enabled my sister in the past and continue to do so now. In their eyes she is the victim and it's a role she plays out again and again. My mum just wants us to 'resolve our differences' for the sake of everything being normal again. She is afraid to confront anyone about any difficult issue. AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork, thank you for presenting the situation from the REAL victim's point of view in all of this which is the kid growing up with the problem adult. I have my niece's phone number and will message her to let her know she can call or write to me at any time. RunRabbitRunRabbit thank you for pointing me to read about codependency. Thank you all so much. I am really grateful for the time you have taken to provide such wonderful support.

[CousinKrispy]

Ahhhh this sounds a lot like the dynamics in my family, I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

I agree 100% with those who say go to Al-Anon--it will be a tremendous support. You can't fix your sister's problems and she can't fix them until she's really willing to take responsibility for her own actions. You will benefit from ongoing help to readjust your interaction with her and to set healthier boundaries (and deal with the sadness and frustration of the situation!).

Good luck. Your niece is very lucky to have such a caring and sensible aunt in her life.

[Knittedfairies]

Your emotional bank is too far in the red for you to give your sister any more support. You've nothing left. Step away from your sister, but not your niece. I hope you can recover from this.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Well done for not giving up so far Much good advice and insight on this thread, so not much to add. You need to protect yourself from any more drama as much as possible. Is it possible that you could have your niece to say sometimes, over school holidays? Would be a lovely thing to do for her.

[senua]

How long did the marriage last?

[NameChange30]

I’m sorry but not surprised to hear about your parents and childhood

I recently read a book that you might find helpful, it’s called ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’. I think it’s particularly helpful if you feel the Family is dysfunctional rather than abusive, i.e. “not that bad” (although of course it’s not a competition). I’ve also heard good things about ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward, although I haven’t read it myself.

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread?

[100percentSunshine]

Thank you for the book recommendations AnotherEmma. I had read Toxic Parents but not the other one so have just ordered it now. Thank you all for your input, it has really pointed me in the right direction. x

[kinorsam]

Be there for your niece, that's all you can do now, really. As long as she knows she can come to you for support, that's the main thing.

As for your parents - well they will have to bear the brunt of your sister's troubles, and if you remain polite at all times round your sister, then eventually it will dawn on them that you've done your best.

[Bluebelle38]

You sound like a wonderful person and i can't help but think your kindness has enabled your sister to use you. 8years is more than enough for her to sort her own life out. Yes, she has problems but so would we all if we never addressed major issues.

She is obviously resentful and thinks you have it so good in comparison. It doesn't matter that you have had to work hard at what you have - she isn't able to see the bigger picture. She needs you emotionally and financially which is why she keeps a wrap on her resentful feelings until drink takes hold.

She has to start sorting her own life out and stop being so selfish. I feel for you, but you need new boundaries. She has one child, not four. She needs to get her shit together and grow up xx