How did your marriage survive with young dc?

[Cooperbell]

I have a great husband, he works hard and does his share of housework and childcare. We were together for a long time before having dc, never any issues apart from the normal tiffs. We've shared everything and although cringy he's my best friend.

We are now in the situation where we have 2 young dc and they are now our life along with work and the usual daily grind.

There's no time for ourselves either individually or as a couple or for previous hobbies etc.

It goes without saying we love dc and don't regret having them at all, we will have more time when their at school but I'm starting to worry about what will be left of our marriage by that point. I'm worried that we are becoming more like friends than being madly in love like we were

So any tips on keeping the spark going?

We have no childcare so date nights aren't an option unfortunately.

[limitedscreentime]

We both enjoy spending time with the children and would rather go out with them than alone, and neither of us feel comfortable leaving them with anyone else so we can go out alone, unless it's an occasion. I guess it depends on what drives your marriage - but for us time alone hasn't been necessary.

[limitedscreentime]

God, I sound like a real misery! I'm just trying to say that it is possible to have a successful marriage and not have date nights!!

[GreenSeededGrape]

For dh and I it was accepting that there wouldn't be any proper 'us time as we've no famiky and dd1 (and dd2 now) didn't like strangers so babysitters were out.

We also both like taking our dc out and about/holidays with us.

[TatianaLarina]

Can you really not find a childminder to give yourselves a break? I think it’s really important to take time for yourselves.

[TatianaLarina]

Babysitters are only strangers the first time you meet them...

[gillybeanz]

We have always made time for our relationship as saw so many f&f split because of this.
It's hard when dc come along, but not impossible.
Neither of us have friends we see on our own though, we'd rather be together.
We have never had childcare either, so would make a special meal, wine and maybe film or just chat etc.
Then you go into another phase as kids get a bit older.
I just think it's important to communicate, whether that's just half hour before bed, or lie in weekend etc, just to keep on the same page.

[Nousernameforme]

We do date night at home some thing a bit nicer to eat or takeout and a film. As for how to survive the young child stage stubbornness and an unwillingness to give up. Talking about any issues before they become resentments

[oneoldmare]

I think you can still have date night without childcare.
Make an effort to get the children in bed, cook a nice meal together, turn the TV off and spend an evening together.

[Cooperbell]

I think my post must have come across a bit wrong. We do enjoy spending time with our dc and of course we go on lots of days out with them and have family holidays etc. Our family life is great it's just I worry that having no real time as a couple will have an impact long term.

I think we could definitely up the game with evenings at home it's usually tv, shower and bed.

[GrouchyKiwi]

Yes, we do date nights at home too. Special dinner, film or play Scrabble (or other board games), bottle of wine, lovely conversation, dress up (or not dressed), that sort of thing.

We also stay up far too late most nights.

[GreenSeededGrape]

It would be more than one meeting before dd's would be ok Tatiana unfortunately. They get unsettled with GP when we've stayed over for a few nights. Apparently dh and SILs were the same.

I should say both dc are in bed/upstairs for 7.30 every night so we get time together watching tv and having a drink but not going out.

It's partly the reason why we're moving closer to family as we'd like a break!

[Cooperbell]

I like the board game idea!

[lightoflaluna]

There was a good thread on here last night about good board games for 2 people. TV off, bottle of wine, few snacks and a boardgame and you've got yourself a date!

I think as long as you both accept that things are going to be different for a few years, you should be fine. Marriages should grow and develop over time.

[GrouchyKiwi]

I made a post a few months ago asking for board game suggestions for two players. It was in Chat, so gone now, but there are often threads like that on here.

We've now got three of the games suggested: Dobble (fantastic card game, short and always fun), Castle Panic (which is a co-operative board game with a winning player too, so that's good for a date night), and Isle of Skye (which is basically a shorter version of Carcassone). So I recommend those games to you too!

I've got a Word doc. of all the suggestions. It is 7 pages long.

[lightoflaluna]

For info- the game from that thread that I really fancied was Ticket To Ride. I'd never heard of it before but i'm going to get it!

[DayKay]

We didn’t have babysitters either but we’d go out separately. Having a social life is really important to me.

What do you do in the evenings? Use that time to really connect. We do things like watch s boxset together, have a drink in the garden under the stars and chat, play each other songs from our youth on YouTube, cook a new recipe together.

[HyenaHappy]

It has to be a deliberate choice to invest in yourselves and each other.

Get a babysitter (if not friend/family then pay one) and go out together on dates.

Have evenings in where there’s no devices etc and actually chat to each other. Cool a nice meal for after the kids are in the bed.

Make sure that you each have time to yourselves. There’s always time for that. Even if it’s an hours run or an hour to nip to Starbucks with a friend. Just make sure that time away is equal.

Dont fall into the trap of forgetting that you are other things as well as being mummy and daddy.

[Ssw1]

The previous posters whose mentioned that they don't need date time as they love doing everything with your child.

When your children get to the age they don't want to go out with yous or when they leave home. You and your dp won't know what to do with each other. This can result in separate hobbies or breaksowns.

It's vital that you keep the relationship alive during those child rearing years because a time will come when it will just be you two alone.

Go to the cinema (any relatives could take the child for few hours ). If you ever have the day off together then sent the children to school/nursery and have a day together doing something fun. When the children are in bed, relax together talking with no phones and a few drinks or watch a nice film. Make an effort to talk about future plans together etc.

[Thistlebelle]

Find childcare for the occasional night out.

Find a local responsible teenager or a deal with a friend to swap babysits.

Time alone really makes a difference.

[GreenSeededGrape]

Ssw1 dh and I both bought an extra week of leave this year for that reason and are trying to spend time together without dc and just rest and send them to school/cm.

But not everyone has relatives, we have no famiky in the UK.

[Cooperbell]

@ssw1 your post has hit the nail on the head for me. We accept that time is limited and are ok with that at the moment but I worry about when the dc are that bit older and we end up with more time that we will have lost that connection.

I also agree with the pp that marriages change and adapt. Ours has but as much as I love our family life I do miss the romance.

We live away from both our families unfortunately so nobody to babysit.

[Bythebeach]

Do you mean no childcare at all? Have you got any relatives even at a distance? What works amazingly for us is a few nights away without the kids. Date nights seemed too short but our kids are now 12, 9 and 5 and don't feel our relationship has suffered at all because of them. Since the eldest was a toddler, we try to get away twice a year for 2 or 3 nights (1 is never enough!)......if you have no childcare at all, we've also, when they were younger, found those kid friendly hotels quite good...the luxury family hotel type ones like The Ickworth where you can all go away as a family but then can leave the kids in a pretty nice creche for a couple of hours each day and go to the spa/have a walk/play tennis/sneak off to bed or whatever floats your boat! Other than that, we manage to cling on to a bit of ourselves as a couple separate from the kids by sometimes reading the same book/sharing a decent box set/film and a little bit of getting dressed up and socialising with friends!

[DayKay]

Also, do little things for each other like buy a little surprise gift, pay each other compliments, give each other massages, send nice messages.
Little acts of kindness make a difference.

[Thistlebelle]

Babysitters absolutely do not need to be family.

[Cooperbell]

No childcare at all, no local babysitting companies either and I wouldn't like to leave them with a stranger anyway tbh as they're young and quite a handful.

The night in tips are really helpful thank you.