For anyone who has had an awful upbringing..

[cattycat83]

Have you ever seen anyone about it?

I won't go into massive detail but I had an awful upbringing as a child. My mum was an alcoholic. My dad who disowned me at the age of 16 for getting a bf he didn't approve of still doesn't speak to me so I've never had any family support.

I don't know why it's affecting me now..I seemed to have dealt with it ok for years but now? I can't afford councilling..I want to tell my dad lots of things but don't even know where he is (I could maybe find out)..would you try?

[BrieAndChilli]

Like you it’s only the past few years my childhood has really affected me.
I couldn’t afford counselling either so I just read a lot on the internet and worked through some stuff by myself. I can now see how my childhood affected me.
I think it’s becasue my kids were/are similar ages to whennit was at its worst so it just made me see how awful it was to do that to young children

[Justbreathing]

I think it often hits you around the mid 30s
I was just reading an old thread about mothers not liking their children and it actually made me cry.
I am in therapy. sometimes I feel like it's helping, other times I think, whats the fucking point, I am too damaged.

Perhaps you should write it all down. I fear if you found your father and explained to him your feelings you would not get the outcome you want. sadly.

[IntoTheFloodAgain]

I had counselling a few years ago and it really didn’t do much for me.
In general though, I don’t find the idea of talking to a stranger comforting.

I’ve been struggling a lot more recently, like you I don’t know why it’s effecting me. But for the past 6 months, my entire past seems to be replaying in my head, bit by bit each night, and I’m remembering things I didn’t even know I could still remember. I don’t know if this is my body/minds way of working through things on its own as I’m generally more calmer (though get bouts of depression, paranoia and the rest whilst the thoughts are in my head).

If you’ve never tried it before though, it could still be worth it.
Are you in the UK? It was a good few years ago for me, but I didn’t have to pay. My gp just directed me to a self referral website.

[username7979]

You come from a tough place.
Go to counselling an unload this big weight off your shoulders. You will feel a lot of relief. Keep up with the counselling to rebuild yourself after.

[MissWilmottsGhost]

I has a shit childhood, neglect and sexual abuse.

For years I was angry but not stressed about it. My life was chaotic for a long time, drugs and alcohol and bad relationships with abusive men. Funnily, as my life has become more stable the stress about my childhood has got worse, or maybe its just an age thing like pp said.

I found things particularly hard when DD was born and the contrast between my feelings for her and how I was treated by my own family was a big shock. I ended up spilling all at some poor graduate psychologist at a cbt course. She was lovely and I found it easy to talk to her, but she knew she was well out of her depth and I was referred to her consultant. I didn't like him and would only talk over the phone not in person, I hate talking in the phone and said I didn't want any more treatment. It was good to talk about it a bit, I opened up to my GP as well and he has been nice.

Generally though I have found there is no help for grown up survivors of childhood abuse. Everyone feels sorry for the children, but no one is interested once they grow into big ugly adults

[MissWilmottsGhost]

he would only talk over the phone

[EggsonHeads]

I don't know. I suppose my childhood was quite dark in many ways. I've come to accept the bad things for what they were and see them as important life lessons while trying to focus on the good bits. I am a bit worried that I may have repressed quite a bit though and am storing up problems for later. I think that the thing that helped me most though was my husband. He had a rather similar childhood. He's been a great moral support. We haven't really been through it in too much detail but it's good knowing that someone understands and they love me regardless. I suppose we were both a bit caught off guard by things we had suppressed when our difficulty parents died suddenly/got sick with a terminal illness. And it's caused problems in other areas of our lives by spilling over in the form of financial mismanagement and self neglect.

[Believeitornot]

I struggled when my dcs were babies because I cpuldnt see how my mum wouldn’t behave as she did. But over time I understand because of her upbringing.

It has made me massively reflect on how I bring up the dcs and I’m worried massively about how I am with them during times of stress (I basically become shouty and can say hurtful things).

I’ve worked hard on my triggers - basically reducing stress by looking after myself - and continue to reflect.

My dcs get much more love and understanding from me than I ever got.

But no I haven’t seen anyone about it. I might when I have more time!

[Thehogfather]

I had a miserable, emotionally abusive childhood. When I first had dd it was a lightbulb moment because for the first time I realised that none of it had been my fault or deserved because I was such a vile person, which is what I believed.

Saying that, it's the differences between her childhood and mine that have made me aware of just how shocking my experience was. I have lots of unpleasant early memories, but it's more from being about 6/7 that I remember the emotions clearly too, before that I just either accepted it or didn't understand.

Not surprisingly it was when dd got to that age that it had a bigger impact. Before then the idea of smacking your toddler for wetting themselves, or telling them they were too ugly for a princess dress just used to briefly horrify me and I'd quickly move on. But the differences as she's got older I really struggled with.

I was lucky in that I did get some professional help, but the state of mh services meant it wasn't much. It was nearly 2yrs after first contact I was offered first cbt appt. At which point I was coping again and wanted to move on so never went.

But I had counselling in the meantime. I had an incorrect dx as a child, cos naice parents aren't abusive. Long story but I dug up old records, and just having professionals acknowledge it was all down to abuse was a huge help.

I also have a friend who really helped just by listening.

I wouldn't say I've got over it and I don't think I ever will, but 99.9% of the time I get by pretending it happened to someone else, so I can pity that child without it clouding my life.

No idea whether contacting your dad will help you. In my case contact as an adult didn't help, in that I'd never trust either of them again, and it just filled me with rage that they even thought it was something we could move on from.

[SomeUsername]

My bringing was awful, and I do wonder how it effects me now. I feel disconnected from my childhood self, so it's like the memories belong to someone else.

There's also still some carry over with behavior, which I know is irrational, but I can't shake it. Such as not being able to leave food / drink unattended when out of the house - this has it's roots in my Dad repeatedly telling me he'd poison me one day.

My Dad was a raving alcoholic, and I was the person he'd take it out on. I saw multiple suicide attempts from him, he would beat and throw my Mother (who also tried to kill herself a few times.)

During my school years he'd keep me up until the AM, screaming, kicking the sofa in front of the door, trapping me down stairs with him.

I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow, convinced I'd have to kill him one day. Memorable events include one night where he snapped and tried to kill me, I had to escape out of a second story window (I was 14) and I managed to safely get to a neighbors house, and they drove me to relatives.

This all sounds terrible, and barely touches the surface, but I'm either numb. or have let it go.

He gave up drinking when I was 17, and he's a different person. If I ever brought this stuff up, my Mom would cry and accuse me of bringing up the past. We actually have an "OK" relationship now, and I don't feel damaged as such, but it all has had to have some effect.

I've never spoken to anyone about this, and tbh, I've barely talked to my wife about it. I think it would be interesting to speak to a professional, to see what would happen.

[WesternMeadowlark]

I too have used mostly the resources available online. I find reading things written by, and occasionally chatting to, other people who've been through similar to be the most helpful thing for me.

It's weird how it can all resurface. I think it's important not to panic and think you'll never escape it, just because you're still affected by it years later. It's normal for it to be dredged up from time to time, even for those of us who are doing ok.

I hope you can get whichever form of help is of most use to you.

Maybe slightly off-topic, I'm constantly angered by how true this

"Generally though I have found there is no help for grown up survivors of childhood abuse. Everyone feels sorry for the children, but no one is interested once they grow into big ugly adults"
[MissWilmottsGhost]

is. I don't think anyone has the right to say they care at all about child abuse if they don't care about making sure that the adults the kids grow up to be have the support they need. Not just to recover, but in many cases to survive at all.

Anyone who wants others to believe that they care about abused children needs to act like they care, or their supposed sympathy is meaningless, imo.

[Mary1935]

Hi cattycat - I too had a shit upbringing - the damage is immense - I had some resilience and have done better in life than my siblings but I've been deeply affected.
It depends where you live re services - there are groups called "adult children of alcoholics" that meet up - mainly in cities I've London Manchester - the impact of growing up in an alcoholic family is well documented - Google re groups - they are free -
Re other counselling look on the BACP ( British association of counselling and psychotherapy) some counsellors will do a reduced rate. There is also your local MIND organisation - they offer counselling and it can be free or at a reduced rate.
Via your GP can be another option -
Re your Dad - does he know where you live - have you moved? As if he has your address then unless he's passed away he hasn't made any contact with you.
I'm sorry but he may not have changed.
If you aren't able to locate him through other family members - that is his brothers or sisters - try typing in his name in - you maybe surprised what comes up. The Salvation Army offer a tracing system - you may need to pay a small amount - but if they find him - they contact him and let him know about you.
I wish you well on your journey.

[cattycat83]

Gosh so many replies that I didn't really expect. So sad also to read about what you've all been through.
I'm having a tough time of things at the moment and I think it's had an impact that I've realised effectively I'm on my own. I have 2 siblings but it's complicated.
I could trace my dad if need be..I used to be scared I'd make him ill..that it would have such an awful effect then I'd never forgive myself.. I was told years ago he'd had a heart attack so let quiet..years later I found out that wasn't true. Yes I've moved lots but he could contact me through my siblings if he wanted to.

[Thehogfather]

My advice would be to think long and hard about what you want to achieve from contacting your dad, and how you would handle it whatever the outcome. Outright rejection or him falling over himself to be a perfect dad could both be equally hard emotionally. Or on the other hand you might find the idea of 'what if' to be harder if you decide not to contact him. There's no right answer, so just whichever you feel will be the least difficult to deal with iyswim?

[IrisAtwood]

I have had many years of therapy following a physically and emotionally abusive childhood. It has helped, but a lot of my thoughts, feelings and beliefs about what is acceptable behaviour are very deeply ingrained and it is an ongoing battle to protect myself and hold safe boundaries.
The most important thing that I have learned is to acknowledge my resilience and just how strong I am to have survived and (in some measure) thrived.
I also think that it is important to grieve an abusive childhood and the parents that you should have had. I have cried a lot, written a lot and talked a lot about my sadness and resentment. It helped too.
I have never been able to tell my parents how I feel and I would have preferred to go no contact but guilt overwhelms me. My Dad died recently and I didn’t feel much sadness or grief. In fact it was a relief in many ways.

[TheThird]

Mine wasn’t ideal, father didn’t want me and tried to get me aborted, mum was an alcoholic.

Father can fuck off, I don’t hold anything against mum, she has her own demons which she struggles with and I know deep down she only tried her best.

It has affected me for sure, I also rarely drink alcohol ever.

[tonysopranostherapist]

Yes, had loads of therapy.

Changed my life.

I can actually feel happiness now without the constant feelings of guilt and shame whispering around in the background.

[cattycat83]

Thehogfather, I don't expect anything in terms of answers..I don't even think I'd get one. I don't actually want one the more I think about it. I haven't seen or spoken to him for 20 years, he's missed all my life..his grandkids etc. I just want to offload to him how I've struggled to do everything on my own I guess. No answer would upset me..I just feel he should know as a child what I went through

[cattycat83]

Iris your right it's makes you very strong. Everyone I know who knows my situation says I'm amazing..little do they know how much I suffer inside.

[user1494849703]

I've had a few lots of therapy and its been a great help to me following a difficult upbringing and abuse. If you are in the UK please contact your GP as he/she might be able to refer you or advise who you can contact to self refer. I'm estranged from my dad too and as well as dealing with the past its helped me come to terms with the current situation. If your gp isn't any goof you cod look up centres of therapy who may have a pay what you can afford scheme in place. I wish you all the very best x

[user1494849703]

Sorry about the spelling above, have a very fat cat lying on my arm......

[username7979]

cattycat83 It is affecting you now for a reason. Pushing it back in could do more harm than good.

[Mulch]

Google free counselling in your area. Charities often provide counselling and ask for a donation. Usually waiting lists so don't expect something straight away

[Mary1935]

Someusername and to us all who where abused 🌺🌺🌺. Give ourselves a hug too. Night everyone.

[cattycat83]

I'm thinking of doing a video for my dad..and emailing it..what do people think?