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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Another domestic...help

32 replies

princesrules · 15/01/2018 22:54

Don't really no where to start but basically my partner just dragged me around the room by my neck again supposedly because I'm a lying manipulative bitch, no it's the first time to lay on hands on me and I know it won't be the last.

I've pretty much ran out of friends I can talk to out of sheer embarrassment my family live four hundred miles down south so I thought I'd vent on here.

Been together nearly 6 years he's always had a temper and suffers with depression, he's been threatening suicide regularly over the last few weeks and I've been worried sick about him, the more I've adjusted my behaviour to make him happier over the years the worse it gets if I step out of line, shout back, tell him no etc. I had him arrested for assault on September but didn't press charges but he came back a month later supposedly on medication and seeking counselling which never stuck.

If I tell him to leave he says he will in the heat of the moment but the next day when he realises he's got no where to go he'll get aggressive again and say things like id like to see you try and I literally will not leave. It's my name in the tenancy so I know I could get the police to remove him but that's a step that puts the fear of god into me for what will come after I've done it.

Not looking for an answer to my problems but maybe someone that's been through similar and to know there might be a light at the end of the tunnel...

OP posts:

Report

mineofuselessinformation · 15/01/2018 22:57

The light at the end of the tunnel is called the police.
Ring them and get him removed.
Dragging you around by your neck is not normal or acceptable.

Toffeegurl39 · 15/01/2018 22:58

Can you call Women’s Aid and talk through your options? So sorry you are going through this, sounds absolutely awful. Take care. X

HerRoyalNotness · 15/01/2018 23:00

Get him removed, arrested and charged and then move.

Ffswtf · 15/01/2018 23:00

Please please phone the police. As pp said dragging you around by your neck has to be the last straw, that's not normal. Where are you now? Where is he?

C0untDucku1a · 15/01/2018 23:02

How long left of your tenancy?

princesrules · 15/01/2018 23:02

I called women's aid last time, I was gonna change the locks while he was out after he smashed the house up and I text him to tell him that it was early enough in the evening for him to find somewhere else to stay and he wasn't to come back to the house, I'd had enough sort of thing and he was soooo angry said if he couldn't get in when he got home he put a flame to the house and when he's in that sort of rage I wouldn't put it past him.

He's sat down stairs texting me that e hates me and I'm a fat cunt, this is all because my sister is visiting for the day tomorrow before she goes on holiday, she's a flying from a major airport near mine 😩 thanks for the reply

OP posts:

princesrules · 15/01/2018 23:04

Tenancy has finished the fixed term it's just a monthly rolling one now, he's downstairs I'm sat in bed, kids are in bed asleep.

I know it's not normal but it almost feels it now, i feel like if I called the police again would that be the thing that drives him over the edge

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 15/01/2018 23:07

fucking hell there are kids?! This man is dangerous.

Shen he goes to work tomorrow phone the police and womens aid. You beed help.

Ffswtf · 15/01/2018 23:07

You need to get rid, once and for all. What would you say to your sister/friend if this were happening to them? Take care of yourself xx

C0untDucku1a · 15/01/2018 23:07

Can you move?

toocool4cats · 15/01/2018 23:16

Oh you poor thing this is awful for you and especially the kids. Do you have access to money? If so please get out quickly and take the children to a hotel, then phone the police and explain everything. They will help you and arrest him. If that is scaring you just be aware that this is escalating and his behaviour is not ever going to change. Gather your strength and leave the house as soon as you can.

banannabreadforme · 15/01/2018 23:18

Are your children school age? Are you working? Call the police and change the locks to start with. If you are not working and your children aren't in school, call your family and get back to them. If you are working and have school commitments tell the school what's going on. Also speak to hr and explain what's happening out of work.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It doesn't have to. Leave him in your past

Crazylou · 15/01/2018 23:26

Please leave kids growing up in that situation is not healthy, emotionally physically abusing you, seek help immediately, threatening behaviour towards you is not acceptable especially when kids are involved

littletinyme1 · 16/01/2018 00:11

You have come on here to vent!!! He has dragged you around the room by your neck and your immediate response is i need to vent?? You appear to have normalised his abusive behaviour to such an extent that you do not realise that most of us would be calling the police.

Do you really think your children do not know what he does to you? Do you think they don't worry that he might do it to them one day. He is not your partner, he is your abuser. What example are you teaching them about love by allowing this man in your life?

I am a very ordinary person, but no one would be allowed to be around my children if they behaved like that to me. I would be terrified of what he might do to them in my absense if i was at the shops or at work. You really do not need to vent; you need to get him out of your lives now. If not because you think you deserve it, (you do by the way) but because part of your job as a mother is to keep your kids safe from physical and emotional abuse.

You are worried about kicking him out because of what he might do-that's what he is relying on. Do you want your children to get up one morning and discover he has killed you, because you were too scared to kick him out. POLICE NOW. Do not backtrack.

ThisLittleKitty · 16/01/2018 00:43

I'm surprised ss aren't involved? What happened when you called the police? Do the kids witness the violence? I imagine they hear it even if they don't see it which is just as bad.

Olikingcharles · 16/01/2018 00:51

Please leave him. From someone who endured 15 years of this it will get worse. I know you are frightened, scared and basically worried about what he will do next. Believe me you can do this leave please. My ExH caused me untold physical and emotional injuries. The longer you stay the worse it will get. I lost two babies because of being beaten. The catalyst for me to leave was a rather stupid one in the end a fight about chicken....ultimately though i couldn't take it anymore. In fact i had asked him to just get on with it and kill me as i felt at the time i was better of dead. You and your children deserve better than a life of fear and adjusting your behaviour to not set him off.

ChickenMom · 16/01/2018 05:54

His behaviour is not normal and you do not have to accept it. His depression is not an excuse. You are looking for excuses for him, regardless of his reasons you need to protect you and your kids. You need to get out. You said you have family 400 miles away? Instead of taking your kids to school, gather your important documents like passports, bank stuff,put them in the car and drive to your family. Clothes etc can be replaced. Call the school and tell them they have a sick bug. Give yourself a few days to escape. When you are in a place of safety, call your landlord and end your tenancy. Get support from women’s aid on what steps to take. Stay with relatives until you can find a new place to stay near them, where you have support. If you stay he could end up killing you. Behaving like that because your sister is visiting is not ok. Go out and meet her and tell her what has happened and ask for her help. Rally all your family and friends and ask for help to get out.

ShatnersWig · 16/01/2018 08:27

No one who has been physically abused makes a first posting on a site like this "to vent" and says they "don't want an answer" to their problems.

You've rung Women's Aid before and yet are still in the same position. You've clearly told all your friends about his past abuse because you say you've run out of one's you can talk to.

If you can't leave this fucking abusive wanker for your own sake then for fuck's sake think of your poor children growing up in this and get them out before you or they get seriously injured or worse.

princesrules · 16/01/2018 08:37

Just thought I would update you, he came back up stairs again last night and took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police but must of left early hours in the morning, his parents have text to say he is there. I've got a locksmith coming in an hour, older child has gone to school younger one is here with me as it's my day off work.

I know it's not normal but after years of being told it's you and becoming isolated you look to blame yourself. Social services did come to visit after I phoned the police last year but they were satisfied he was seeking help for his anger/depression.

OP posts:

restingbemusedface · 16/01/2018 08:42

You sound like you just accept his behaviour. It’s not normal, you’re wasting your life and your kids are in danger. And if they begin to think this is normal then how do you think they’ll turn out?

Get the fuck out. Go to your parents 400 miles away, even that doesn’t sound like far enough.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/01/2018 08:43

Please talk to SS again and let them know the current situation.
This will help with contact and keeping him away.
If he still has your phone, call the police as that is theft.
They can help you get it back.
Report the violent incident to the police and get it on file.
If you have any marks or bruising, make sure you get pictures.
Well done on changing the locks.
I really hope this is your final wake up call.
He WILL kill you next time.
Think about your poor DC and ensure you protect them!!!

BarbarianMum · 16/01/2018 08:43

It's good that he has gone. It's good that you are changing the locks. How are you feeling about it all? Do you think you could keep him out for good this time?
Please report last night to the police.

littletinyme1 · 16/01/2018 13:02

You need to act now. Good about the locks. Now report him to the police, otherwise he will kick off and you will get scared
( understandably) and you will let him back in. Get advice from someone in real life. Men who behave like this never change. You have to change your circumstances to ensure your children stop being affecyed by this abuse.
I appreciate the drip, drip effect on you if you have lived with an abuser. Plese use the fact that you have found the courage to post to change your and you children's lives.
I am still worried that you are still normalising this vile behaviour! He is abusing you.

ptumbi · 16/01/2018 19:05

he's been threatening suicide regularly over the last few weeks - oh god, these abusive cunts always do, and never go through with it, more's the pity!
Next time he 'threatens' it, don't appease him (impossible anyway), don't try to make it better. i'd say try to make him go through with it (he won't) but it would put you at risk. Ignore it, or actually, call the samaritans or police. Tell them he's suicidal. They'll deal with him!

Change the locks. Keep him out. Get in touch with the police DV unit, and follow their advice. Phone WA, and follow their advice. Get the professionals on your side - they will help, and support - and make you see how bad it IS!

Keep phoning the police every time he kicks off, every time he touches you. (Get a cheap PAYG phone that he doesn't know about, and use that for your calls.)
Get your ducks in a row - cancel the tenancy, get down south to your family, disappear.

ptumbi · 16/01/2018 19:07

And don't forget to tell the school - they can't stop him turning up to get the dc, (if he has PR) but they can stall him long enough for you to get there.

Get legal advice if you possibly can. It's invaluable to get to know where you stand, and where he stands, legally.

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