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Met a man I'm falling for but don't understand what he wants?

(41 Posts)
Insearchofsomeadviceplease Tue 12-Dec-17 12:55:36

I'm posting on behalf of a friend, but she knows I'm posting -

I've got myself into a situation and don't know what to do. I've just come out of a five year relationship where I loved him to bits but it was purely platonic for the last couple of years. It took me longer to leave than it should have.

Anyway, just over a week ago I met a new man on a night out. I took him home, we had amazing sex, and I really, really like him. We've seen each other twice since and his company and the sex is unreal.

However, he has a baby due in April to his ex (it's all very mature and friendly and I'm 100% sure he's an ex), and he seems to be pulling away from me, he says due to this. He's not willing to have sex or meet up as much, but he's equally unwilling to cut contact completely, I'm basically dangling on a string not knowing what he wants. I think I'm really falling for him. What would you do?

Sullabylullaby Tue 12-Dec-17 12:57:27

I'd cut my losses after a week.

Insearchofsomeadviceplease Tue 12-Dec-17 12:58:47

Sorry, just to be clearer he seems to have started pulling away from me on Sunday after I had an amazing night with him on Saturday night, telling me he needs to concentrate on his baby, which I totally understand so I asked if we should break it off, and he insists he wants to keep talking to me but calming down on the flirting and sex. He also says he probably won't have time for a relationship due to the baby. Again, completely understand, but I really don't understand the point of us continuing to speak.

Why does he want to stay in touch with me and talk everyday if he doesn't want the sex, flirting or relationship?

SnowGlitter Tue 12-Dec-17 12:59:43

I would walk away. It wouldn't be easy and I wouldn't want to and my head would be full of "yes, but what if..."s...

But yes, I'd walk away.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 13:00:51

Ok. Don’t fall for him. This sounds like he wants a friends with benefits but his heart is somewhere else.

Give him a chance to get involved with the preparations for the arrival of the baby and hopefully salvage their relationship, for the sake of the baby.
He may come back or he may not, but I would say that at this point, he is not really available for a proper relationship.

60sname Tue 12-Dec-17 13:01:24

She shagged him twice over the period of a week and is falling for him?! He's not pulling away; he was never with her in the first place.

Please God no-one is really this naive

LesisMiserable Tue 12-Dec-17 13:01:57

No way is he available. Not a chance.

SnowGlitter Tue 12-Dec-17 13:02:32

Why does he want to stay in touch with me and talk everyday if he doesn't want the sex, flirting or relationship?

Because:

he finds your company enjoyable
it's company for him
he likes the attention
he wants someone on the back burner for when he's bored/lonely/horny

So many reasons and none of them are good for you.

Don't try and second guess him; don't try and convince yourself that he will change his mind and that he'll realise he feels something for you eventually.

Seriously.

Babyblues052 Tue 12-Dec-17 13:04:59

Seems to me like he was looking for no strings attached sex. Probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying no i don't want to keep talking to you.

He's gotten his sex and now he's done.
If you do keep contact I'd bet my life he will cut down his responses until you were no longer talking.

I'd leave it if I were you. He doesn't want what you want and has been upfront about it. Youll set yourself up for a fall if you continue this

elmo1980 Tue 12-Dec-17 13:05:30

Hes told you want he wants, hes had his fun but doesn't want anything more. He still wants to talk to you in case he fancies a cheeky hook up in a few weeks/ months.

He's doing the right thing in concentrating on his baby and you need to respect that and walk away. I know it's difficult when it feels like you're falling for him but he is never going to reciprocate any feelings you may have.

Sleepyhead1667 Tue 12-Dec-17 13:05:38

I was about to say maybe he’s just wanting sex and trying to let you down gently but then you said he still wanted to talk...maybe he’s just a nice guy and feels bad leading you on and thinks saying he just wants to talk but nothing else is the best way to break up with you. If I was you, I’d break it off. It’s only been a week. If he really likes you he’ll chase you. Leave it up to him. Don’t get dragged into something like this and be let down if he’s not completely into you.

Have you got any male friends who can advise?

Frustrationqueen Tue 12-Dec-17 13:05:42

You took him home the night you met him for sex. That is all this has been to him. An easy lay.
He is pulling away because youre giving off signs you want more than just sex, but not pulling away completely since he knows he can use this to his advantage and receive sex when he fancies a bit

Insearchofsomeadviceplease Tue 12-Dec-17 13:11:57

Maybe 'falling for him' was a bit much - but I do really like him a lot (and I know it sounds mad after just over a week, but it's been really intense). I would totally agree that he was just after sex if it wasn't for him saying he wants to cool the sex down but continue talking. Yesterday we were talking and he was telling me the things he wanted to do in the future (nothing major, just naming nice restaurants he'd like us to go to), but why if he doesn't want anything?

Sleepyhead1667 Tue 12-Dec-17 13:15:39

Why would any guy want to cook the sex down? Seriously, something’s not right. He probably just wants the sex every now and again, nothing too intense as he has a baby coming.

Delancy Tue 12-Dec-17 13:16:54

Exactly what Frustrationqueen said.

If you ever want to stand a chance of a long-term relationship, never sleep with them on the first night. Have you read The Rules? Its a good introduction to the basics. Best of luck.

SnowGlitter Tue 12-Dec-17 13:17:42

Yesterday we were talking and he was telling me the things he wanted to do in the future (nothing major, just naming nice restaurants he'd like us to go to), but why if he doesn't want anything?

You're questioning this like you think he might change his mind, or really want something afterall.

Why not just take him at his word.

Some people like to just talk. They don't really mean anything by it. Some people like to have faux relationships because they pass the time without the commitment/effort/requirements of real relationships.

shouldaknownbetter Tue 12-Dec-17 13:22:42

Delancey I slept with my husband on the first night I met him. Granted, I didn't think it would go any further (we met at a party and lived in different cities so I'd written it off as having any relationship potential) but it just goes to show, the old' he won't respect you in the morning' argument isn't always true.

AnnaleeP Tue 12-Dec-17 13:27:03

If you ever want to stand a chance of a long-term relationship, never sleep with them on the first night. Have you read The Rules? Its a good introduction to the basics. Best of luck.

Nonsense.

Insearchofsomeadviceplease Tue 12-Dec-17 13:30:08

It's not that I thought we were going to be a serious relationship or get married or anything, I was just really enjoying getting to know him and spending time together, and it seems to have been going really, really well with us both enjoying ourselves, and then suddenly, out of no where with no circumstances changed, he's started pulling away but not so far that he wants to just completely stop communicating. I'm just a bit confused by it.

Frustrationqueen Tue 12-Dec-17 13:31:17

Ask him. You have nothing to lose

SnowGlitter Tue 12-Dec-17 13:40:43

Don't be confused. He's telling you exactly how it is.

BenLui Tue 12-Dec-17 13:45:55

He doesn’t want a relationship he just wanted sex.

He thinks that if he’s nice to you, you will remain available for more no strings sex in the future.

He’s been pretty clear.

esk1mo Tue 12-Dec-17 13:48:15

i doubt he is single

Offred Tue 12-Dec-17 14:58:51

He has unfinished business.

It doesn’t matter what is going on, he is not available.

You can want him to be available, he can’t try to be available but in reality, he is not available.

Find someone who doesn’t have unfinished business.

Emmageddon Tue 12-Dec-17 15:08:55

He's probably hoping/trying to work things out with the mother of his child, and you were a temporary distraction. He's now realised he prefers his ex-girlfriend. Sorry. Walk away with your head held high.

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