Has anyone been disowned by their parents? How do you cope?

[frostythesnowdog]

I finally challenged mine on the car crash that was my childhood - appalling sexual boundaries, turning a blind eye to abuse.

General neglect.

In return they've denied it all and tried to tell my extended family that I'm mad/a fantasist - even though I have people who can corroborate the things I've said.

Now, they're clearly all crackers and I'm better off with out them.

But it hurts. It's really, really hurting me that they'd rather disown me and my children than admit to any of the things we all know they did.

Happy Christmas.

[Mummyontherun86]

No advice.
I’m sorry you’re in this position. Sounds like you are a strong person to emerge from all of that. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family.

[banannabreadforme]

I'm sorry your in this position. I don't have any experience but do you have any extended family you can keep a relationship with?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are indeed better off without them at all in your life but you need now to properly deal with your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) they bestowed upon you. They were not good parents to you when growing up (an understatement) and they are crap examples of grandparents to your children as well. Therefore they are better off without having their maternal grandparents in their lives too.

Contacting NAPAC may help you as well because they work with adult survivors of childhood abuse napac.org.uk/. You may also want to post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages too. Disinheriting or otherwise disowning their now adult child is not atypical behaviour on the part of such disordered people like your parents.

[frostythesnowdog]

Thank you.

I've spent the last 21 years since I escaped living with them as soon as I turned 18 attempting to meet them halfway and see them in a good light.

What a bloody waste.

I'm just sad.

I'm ok, I have good therapy. It's alright. I just wanted to talk to someone who knows how this feels.

[ohcecelia]

So sorry for you - that all sounds horrific.

Wasn't so much disowned but I think I saw my dad about 3 times growing up. It was upsetting but I just kept telling myself that I'm not losing anything by not having this relationship (he wasn't the greatest person). He died this year and whilst it really upset me for about a week, I think I've finally got closure now.

It will hurt for a while. There's some shit people out there and unfortunately that sometimes includes family

[frostythesnowdog]

Thank you ohcecelia and sorry to hear of your experiences as well.

Yes, banana I do have nice supportive extended family but they all live in the same tiny town as my parents and my abuser and I live 200 miles away. So logistics don't work that well for maintatining relations other than remotely/

[Auvergne]

It’s very hard, OP. My parents were horrendous to me and yet in some tiny fibres of my being I feel this desire to make them proud and love me. I am massively struggling now I am pregnant.

No real advice. Moving miles away helped us.

[LadyGrey66]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. This time of year can be particularly difficult if you're estranged from family.

I came from a similar background to this, and it took me a long time and therapy to truly start to recover. Would counselling be an option for you? I would also highly recommend reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

[gluteustothemaximus]

I know how it feels.

It hurts.

However, 5 years on, I am very very happy without them. It's been hard, but so worth it. I am stronger. I am happier.

Of course I would like a normal relationship, normal parents, a loving family. But it's never going to happen. So I accept that, and I have made my own life lovely DH, 3 lovely children. This is where the cycle stops. My kids have a totally different life to me.

They will bad mouth you, and lie, and deny, and gaslight you. Walk away.

They haven't disowned you. You disown them. You're in charge.

Good luck

[frostythesnowdog]

Thank you all.

I've been in therapy for 2 years (because of all the trauma). It's good for me, I've rebuilt myself a lot and got a lot better. I've recovered from the worst of it.

I'm just left now with this weird grief not for them - but for the normal parents I could have had.

I read Toxic Parents several years ago, I'll read it again - good idea, thank you.

Gluteus - thank you for sharing that, I needed to hear it. I'm glad that you're so much better.

And yes to lying, and denying and badmouthing. Just proves what terrible parents they still are. No decent parent would do that.

Despicable.

[Offred]

I've spent the last 21 years since I escaped living with them as soon as I turned 18 attempting to meet them halfway and see them in a good light.

I’ve been in this phase too. I’m wondering if I am coming to the end of it because there are all kinds of small hurts (when they make an effort to impose their rosy view of my childhood and invalidate my experiences) and recently I have had a few mini breakdowns that I have tried to share with my siblings but they don’t want to hear it...

In some ways you could say with the disowning they have finally exposed themselves and confirmed your truth but I imagine it will take a little while for you to be able to feel that way about it. Probably when you have grieved a bit over the disowning.

One of the worst things about the legacy of this kind of childhood is the lack of security and the creeping shadow of feeling like everything is wrong, you are wrong, the world is wrong...

[VivaLeBeaver]

I have. Only by my mum. Though my dad is dead, but they were divorced and I had a good relationship with him.

Always had a crappy relationship with my mum. Loads of narc style abuse towards me and I was keeping her at arms length after a couple of quite nasty incidents. Then had another bad one where she was blaming me for something which wasn’t my fault, she came round my house and purposefully let my two dogs out the house onto a busy road. I was running round trying to catch them both, begging her to help, and she walked off, haven’t seen her since. She sent me a nasty, lengthy email and I then blocked her email address.

That was years ago. I know she slags me off to her friends. She told my brother that one of her friends who is a senior magistrate was considering whether to report me to SS for child neglect. Which is the biggest joke ever, no grounds. Either she was making the whole thing up or has lied to her friend. Both my brother and dad backed me up, brother has stopped contact with her now.

To be honest it’s a relief. No longer on edge waiting for the next phone call or visit with a load of criticism and nastiness. Don’t miss her one bit, won’t shed a tear when she’s dead.

Your parents will never admit anything. If they’re anything like my mother they’ve probably genuinely convinced themselves it wasn’t like that. My mother used to physically beat me and my brother black and blue and looked genuinely gobsmacked when I brought that up once. You’re best of without them, concentrate on your kids. But xmas is hard I know.

[ptumbi]

OP - I have been NC with my father for 16 years. He has never even seen my dc. I don't 'cope' - I don't think of him from week to week, month to month. Occasionally my mum will try to guilt me by saying 'but he's your father' but I ignore. He is no father to me, and doesn't deserve a lovely daughter like me!

I am NC with my toxic sister too. She is just like him. I don't think of her either.

[LazyLump]

Very similar scenario here Frosty coupled with severe emotional abuse which I believe was the catalyst for my lifelong OCD.

My mother admitted it but I was such a 'difficult' child who wouldn't say boo to a goose so I deserved it. I was disowned due to the pain I caused my mother because she had to question her parenting. Siblings too.

I am 4 years down the line. I can't say it gets any easier and it really doesn't help knowing that they don't deserve you in their life and you are better off out of it. The ties really bloody bind . I have been through immense emotional pain trying to get through the guilt, loneliness and further battering to my self esteem. And the anger that my mother became the victim when I was the sodding victim!

Not much advice to share other than trying to get through it rather than over it. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk . I also have DC that were disowned too and had to facilitate a meeting on behalf of my adult DD recently as she has been so upset by not having her grandmother in her life.

[ptumbi]

Oh - and I am disowned too!

Like I have any interest in whatever he thinks he can 'bequeath' me. If anythig, it would just be an obligation of some sort - 'I've left you x, now you have to be grateful to me for ever!'

[Mumfun]

Wasn't easy at start but to be honest I feel a huge sense of relief now. And through the therapy I had and other challenges I really feel that I have grown as a person. And that has made me more confident and that I am a decent attractive person. I am more confident in friendships now.

Through coincidence I have made friends with a couple of older women. They are very wise and caring and I definitely get some mother/older sister stuff from them.

As you get older you can develop some friendships that become more like family. And that helps you cope as they can help as a sort of substitute. So I would say to be open to strengthening existing and building new friendships. There is an organisation called Stand Alone that I subscribed to too and found some of their online information useful. Good luck!

[frostythesnowdog]

Thanks all.

Offred, yes, they have 'outed' themselves now. They went too far and tried to claim I was mentally ill, whilst trying to cover up for the person who abused me who is actually mentally unwell.

Viva, I'm sorry to hear of your experiences but in a way it helps to understand that it's a pattern. That they will lie and cast asperisions on me. It's a script.

Ptumbi, I'm really glad it doesn't feel like coping to you. That's where I hope to be.

Lazy, that's appalling, I'm sorry, but so happy to hear that life is better for you now.

Mumfun, I'm glad to hear that.

I am lucky to have a very close circle of friends, some of whom I have known since school and have been through similar experiences to me. I know how lucky I am to have them, I'm so glad your life has improved so much.

I will look at Stand Alone, thank you.

[VivaLeBeaver]

It is a script. Is the stately homes thread on relationships still running? I found that very useful, full of people with narc parents.

[frostythesnowdog]

I can't keep up with stately homes but I'll read Toxic Parents again.

It just feels like the final insult.

Finally telling about the abuse and getting this. It's essentially like being abused all over again.

But once this bit of grieving is over I hope I get the rest of my life back.

[timeistight]

My parents disowned me because they didn't like my DP. Simple as that. This was after a childhood of physical and emotional abuse. I was blamed for many, many things that were not, and could not have been, my fault.

After they died, I found out that they had been very wealthy (I never saw any sign of this when I was growing up cold and hungry) They left everything to a charity they had no interest in rather than to the GC they had no interest in.

I fear I am damaged beyond repair by their neglect and abuse, which to me is inexplicable.

[SnowflakesAndHollyberries]

So sorry this has happened to you. I also know how it feels .. shite!
It's painful and yes, you are grieving the parents that you so deserve!
However are colluding with each other because they are unable or unwilling to face their failings. Together they are in denial and blaming you for daring to upset the apple cart by challenging them!
I can recommend Strong At The Broken Places by Linda Sanford.
Its a sensitively written, informative book for childhood abuse survivors that I think that you may find helpful.

Good luck Frosty, and Happy Christmas to you.

[SnowflakesAndHollyberries]

... your parents are colluding ...

[Tinselistacky]

My dm was rubbish and df remarried a woman who wouldn't let him acknowledge me or his dgc - their loss..
My dh has been dumped by his dps and it kills me to see him hurt when he is the most kind and gentle man. They have lied about him to their friends, even said we cut them out of ds life when they were distant before he was even born. They are disturbed imo.
It would have been nice for the dc to have some nice gps but we have accepted that isn't an option, sad though it is.