My DB and I haven't spoken for 3 years. DB was the one who stopped talking to me.
We both had a difficult upbringing and DB is unable to come to terms with it or forgive DM. I on the other-hand feel I spent too long allowing the past to ruin my present/future and chose to forgive DM for my own sanity (even though DM still thinks she did nothing wrong and has never acknowledged or apologised for her part in our unhappy childhood).
I keep contact with DM very low though. But I have DCs of my own who I don't want to be affected by my past. I feel that my DM should at least try to be a good DGM to her DGCs. She's certainly no Mary Poppins, but on the occasions she see's her DGC she's nice to them and they enjoy seeing her. I like this kind of 'normality' for my DCs.
DB can't understand why I don't share his resentment though, and he seems determined to make DM suffer forever - although not directly to her face. Its all very passive aggressive and rather cowardly. DB frequently posts cryptic comments on social media about DM, doesn't invite DM to important family occasions (or doesn't invite ANY of his own family so he doesn't "have to invite HER too!"). He also sometimes sends DM goady text messages. DM doesn't respond to these texts and that winds him up even more. It causes constant family tension and I just don't have the energy to participate in it too. I just live my life as quietly and as normal as possible, and put the past behind me.
DB is happily married, has a good job, a nice house, two lovely kids and a generally happy life. DM on the other hand has ruined every friendship and significant relationship she's ever had. Shes an unhappy alcohol-dependent bitter old loner now. In my opinion she has her comeuppance for how she's treated us. So I think DB should just let it go and consider himself lucky, because despite our awful upbringing, the only one that's suffering now is DM.
DB has had counselling, as have I. I TOTALLY get the anger he feels, but find it toxic to hold on to it and let it fester forever. But DB can't understand my views, and has therefore cut me off as he claims I'm unsupportive. He has ignored all my attempts to hold out an olive branch and make contact with him. We live hundreds of miles apart so I can't just pop round and chat to him. I only visit our home county once or twice a year.
When I visit home, I go to DM's and DB has told her when I'm visiting his DC's are not allowed to see me. (Despite cutting me off for not being supportive of his vendetta against DM, he hasn't actually cut DM off)
At our DGFs funeral a couple of years ago DB completely ignored me, both at the ceremony and the wake. He spent the entire time throwing me dirty looks and making nasty indirect digs at me (I was in earshot but not actually speaking directly to me). He sniggered at me while I made a short speech about DGF, which was humiliating. He then left the wake early (after knocking back two bottles of wine that were being reserved to make a toast to DGF) and refused to say goodbye to me. I was incredibly hurt. But, I accepted DB's decision and I stopped trying to contact him after this.
However, I still adore my two nephews (his DC's). I miss them terribly. In the time that DB hasn't spoken to me, I've continued to send them birthday/easter/christmas cards and gifts as I don't want them to think I don't love them any more. I don't think its fair to make any of our DC's suffer.
I'm in no way trying to 'out-do' DB, play 'one-upmanship' or antagonise him by sending his DCs cards and gifts. I've spent so many hours wondering if I'm doing the right thing. But the guilt of completely ignoring the DC's birthdays/special occasions would eat me up. They're only young, but old enough to know Aunt Perdita hasn't sent them anything this year.
DB in these last 3 years has never sent my DCs any cards or gifts for their birthdays or christmas. Never asks how my DC's are when he occasionally visits DM to collect the gifts I've sent his DC's. DM says DB is quite happy to let his DCs have the gifts I send, but then slags off what I've bought them or says things along the lines of "Perdita better not have bought them anything noisy or messy / cheap tat / any thing they don't like / any thing they already have, otherwise its going straight in the bin!". He doesn't ask DM to pass on any thanks from the DC's. In fact DB doesn't even tell them the gifts are from me, DM makes a point of letting them know who the gifts are from.
Its really really hurtful. And I'm hurt for my own DCs who never receive so much as a text from DB and have been cut off from their cousins.
It's coming up to Christmas again and my DH thinks its time to stop sending my nephews any more gifts, as DB is clearly ungrateful, disrespectful and sends our DC's nothing. I'm starting to think DH is right, as I think that DB will never come round and this is the end of our relationship. I don't think I'm ever going to see my nephews again.
But it feels so wrong to punish children like that. Its keeping me up at night worrying that my nephews will grow up thinking I didn't give a shit about them.
WWYD?... Is my DH right, should I stop the cards and gifts, or should I just keep sending them, even if I never see my nephews again?
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Do I accept I will never see them again and stop sending gifts?
PerditaSinjorino · 29/11/2017 11:27
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