Why can't I let this go? I don't think IABU but..

[smokingtwatpuffin]

This might seem trivial, but I'm so angry and I don't know how to let it go.

Found out in a random conversation with dh that he spends about £120-150 a month on cigarettes. I had no idea. For years I've been walking about in cheap, scruffy shoes - I have one decent but cheap pair for work that are getting pretty scruffy tbh, another pair I bought for £8 that slice my feet to shreds and that's it. I've been wearing pants with holes in rather than buying new because, honestly, it's clothes for the kids or pants for me. I earn about £11k, pay all the bills and childcare costs and I'm left with pennies at the end of the month. He earns 26K and pays rent and train fare (probably equivalent to the amount I pay for bills altogether.) Then £120 at least on cigarettes. He goes drinking/dinner a few times a months with friends or work people. I never go out.

He's watched me walking around in scruffy or painful shoes, pants with holes in (so classy) while he's wazzocking money around on fucking cigarettes and nights out. Alright, nights out a few times a month is not exactly excessive, but I haven't been out for over a year because I thought we had no money. I didn't have a haircut for over 2 years because £40 every 6 months seemed excessive to me.

He will say in his defence that he always offered me the odd £100 here and there, but he's always saying how broke he is, how maybe he can't afford the rent this month, so in my mind, how can I say yes please? He earns more than twice as much as me and I don't understand where the fuck the money is going. I'm £3.5k in debt because for the last couple of years I keep having to use my credit card to get petrol at the end of the month when I was out of money, to get shoes etc for the kids, mot, car service, christmas and birthday presents and it's just spiralled.

How could he watch me struggling, knowing that he could cut down on cigarettes and have some spare money for the family, knowing that he earned twice as much but was still happy to say "oh ok" when I turned down his offer of money because I thought he was also broke.

I feel like such a fucking mug. How could he not notice that I was struggling He's crap at emotions so when he upsets me I have to deal with it myself - in fact he's gone off in a little strop because I asked him if there were any other secrets.

And I can't be rational because I am so angry and feeling neglected and not understanding how my own husband didn't think to mention how much he was spending on something not so essential - i know it's addictive and I can't expect him to stop but I just keep imaging him opening the cigarette packet and thinking, "hmm, shall I cut down to two packets a week instead of three so after a month my wife can buy some shoes that aren't shit? Nah fuck, these things are delicious, fuck her!"

Oh and he tried to blame me for not knowing how many cigarettes he smoked a week. How would I know??
Fuck. Ing. Hell.
I would appreciate calming thoughts right now

[gamerchick]

No get mad instead. Lay all your cards on the table and don’t protect him.

Something has to give and it isn’t you. He can’t afford to smoke and you need money from him each pay. Say 300 quid.

[PNGirl]

This isn't a marriage - it's supposed to be a partnership. I don't share a bank account with my DH but we earn similar, share a savings account and have no children. The moment one of us has limited earning potential due to children we will reshuffle things.

This is a sackable offence for me. You'd be better off financially if you divorced!

[ScreamingValenta]

Did he smoke when you got together/got married or is this a habit he's taken up recently?

[QuiteLikely5]

So between you there is 2500 going into the bank each month plus child benefit

He roughly takes home £1700, not sure what bills he pays but you need to take a closer look at what he has left over after that

Personally I could not see my other half dressed inadequately. Time for you to wise up and put your foot down.

A few cigarettes are the least of your worries

[Buck3t]

What she said. Sorry, not sorry

[ChinkChink]

This is really about how you manage finances and bills in your household. It's not really cigarettes v shoes, it's that you seem to be bearing an unfair burden simply because your earnings are so disparate.

I've seen many different ways that households manage money on here. When I've been in a relly I've always thought it fairest to work out essential bills including food, childcare and some savings which both sides contribute to [if both working full time] equally in a bills account. Then the rest is to spend separately as agreed informally. If one person is SAH then hopefully that's been discussed prior to having children.

I'm afraid it's the old chestnut of sitting down with bills and costs written down and working out what's fair.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Why on earth are you paying all the bills when he's earning more than twice your salary?

Honestly, I would lose all respect for a man who could go out for meals with friends and let his wife pay all the bills and clearly desperately need new shoes.

I would dump a man like this and get child maintenance and tax credits. You'd be far, far better off.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

The OP is paying ALL the bills!

[MonaChopsis]

My ex wasn't like this... Saw me cutting my own hair and patching jeans, and gave me grief for buying £10 winter boots for DD because they 'weren't essential'. Meanwhile he was, unbeknownst to me, spending £50 and month on protein powder

He's my ex. I have more money now than I did before, and no other bugger spends it on fripperies.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

You'd get £80 pw for two children if he had them overnight once a week.

You'd also get £9,000 approximately per year if you have two children and stay earning the same.

Look here.

I'd be trading him in.

[Schlimbesserung]

I think it is excessive to have nights out when your partner can't afford new pants, actually. I also think it would be fine to insist that he stops smoking if he regularly says he can't afford to pay the rent.
All the financial pressure seems to be on you, while he gets to please himself much more. That's a hideous way to have to live.

[CannotEvenThink]

Why the hell do you pay all the bills?
Dh earns more than me. We have never had joint accounts but we do have transparency and equality. He pays mortgage, bills, car tax and insurance and maintenance on both our cars, he pays for all holidays and days out, a fair amount of the food shop, he puts money into savings and into pots for house stuff etc and he pays all the childcare.

My much smaller income covers food shopping, my commute costs and child related expenses (swimming, scouts, school dinners, clothes and shoes). Once I've put some aside into savings then he and I have about the same left for going out and our own clothing expenses.

Before I worked dh had a standing order into my account each month which allowed much the same, I could cover all child expenses, my own expenses, enough of a social life to stay sane as a SAHM and to squirrel some away into savings. Because just because I earn less doesn't mean I should be without, we are a team and we also trust each other. You need to have a very serious talk with your h because your situation is far from equal.

[MummaDeeDee]

Sod that. My husband earns double what I do so pays double the household bills. Tell him to do one. It’s not cigarettes v shoes, it’s you v him, that’s not a partnership so what’s the point?

[Apileofballyhoo]

I thought at first he was your partner who didn't live with you. I'm shocked he's your husband and you are paying all childcare and children's food and clothes and he just pays rent and the rest of his money is his own! What the fuck is wrong with him?

[PersonAtHome]

Why are you having to get shoes for the kids when he earns double what you do? Why can't he buy the shoes for his kids?

It sounds like he's stuck in the pre baby days mindset - when you first get together with someone your bank accounts are separate and whats his is his and what's yours is yours.

In my opinion once you share a home and have children that individual finances thing has to go out of the window. You become a working unit, a partnership, and you need to pool the shared resources and prioritise the essentials.

Having said that, it's not perfect in my marriage, my DH has always had a habit of spending on non essentials and it drives me nuts. When we were totally broke he decided to take up one of those games with little figures and was always spending our (non existent) money on stupid little plastic trolls and dragons. We have more money now but he still seems to want to buy things that I think are a pointless waste of money, and I do get frustrated that I go without clothes and shoes and haircuts yet he can't go without vaping or beer or music or gigs or nights out.

So I'm at the point of wondering whether we can pool our money for all the essentials and then each have a budget for everything else.

[sourpatchkid]

Oh god he sounds awful. Honestly, LTB and I very very rarely say that

[AnnaleeP]

Jesus Christ.

I'm appalled. How on Earth can a spouse who is supposed to look after you and treat you well justify spending money on shit when you can't afford shoes?

I smoke, but I can afford it and I smoke roll ups which are cheaper anyway. Even on my wage I can't justify ordinary cigarettes more than a few times a year and I earn more than your 'D'H.

Earn my first ever LTB.

He should be paying a proportion of all the bills in accordance to his salary, so you both have money for treats OR everything is shared and you get the same fun money.

He's a cunt.

[smokingtwatpuffin]

To further complicate things he's one of those foreign buggers, so if we split up he'd probably go back to his country therefore no guaranteed maintenance. Yay.

Thank you all for all the replies. It's nice to know I'm not being an absolutely unreasonable cow but it's not helping the anger. Grr.

He's angry/ashamed/angry because I completely flipped and was probably quite unfair on him. He's going out drinking tomorrow night.

[PNGirl]

You need to stand up for yourself. Ask why the bills and rent and childcare and MOT and food isn't pooled into one amount and shared proportionally to earnings. There is no comeback he can reasonably offer.

[smokingtwatpuffin]

"There is no comeback he can reasonably offer."
Totally agree. I lost it spectacularly tonight, he lost it back at me and completely stonewalled me, swore at me, tried to make it my fault, I didn't take it lying down, it was fucking disaster all around. He has, though, promised to make finances really fair from now on, and has apologised, but how do I get rid of feeling like I've been screwed over for the last couple of years? Don't know if anything can make that go away.

[ALittleBitConfused1]

He is selfish and has chosen to ignore the financial situation for years.
I guess some might say why wouldn't he, he has just continued how it has always been done between you.
You have every right to be angry but now you have to look forward if you want things to change.
Add up all joint outgoings. Household bills, child care costs including clothes and birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, school expenses etc. All family shopping, bills, literally everything on a month to month basis.
Now you have two ways to split it fairly, either all money goes into an account to cover such costs and once paid what ever is left gets split 50/50 or your husband pays a percentage based on his higher salary and you pay the lower percentage based on your smaller salary. Ie if he brings in 70% of the household income he pays 70%of the outgoings and if you bring in 30% of the household income you pay 30%. Whatever is left is both yours to do with as you wish. Any benefits can be included as joint income to make it completely fair.
I have a feeling, if done this way, he will be cutting down the smoking and nights out and you will be going shoe shopping very soon. Good luck op.

[ofudginghell]

Wow I would be raging aswell op.
Raging enough to tell him he either pays the higher proportion of bills so you both have equal spare money left each month or I'd be telling him to sling his friggin hook.
What an asshole.
I'm not sure I would be able to forgive that one I'm afraid and he sounds so far up his own arse that actually you deserve better than that.
Like other posters have said you would be better off as a single parent.

Tell him he's got a week to get it all sorted with you together so he pays the higher amount of bills and you get an equal amount of spending or he's gone. And if he buggers off back to his home country that shows what little respect he has for you or your kids.

[theredjellybean]

I think you might have to try to let go of feelings over what has been happening and look at it as a chance to start again... Clean slate... Etc. As he has said finances will be fairer.
He may just be a thoughtless twat who just didn't really give it any thought.
Now it has blown up in his face he sounds like he does want to fix it.
I think op if everything else is OK in the relationship, give it a chance... But I'd be fixing a very short time line on this.
Like 'we are sitting down and sorting finances this weekend'.
Dp and I agreed a percentage of our salaries went into joint account to cover all bills, rent, household stuff. Then percentage went into savings, and what was left was ours to buy pants.
By agreeing a percentage rather than set amount, it takes into account different earnings.
If you feel he is fickle with money, you could offer to take over management of household finances... And have control of joint account so you know rent etc is paid.
We also agreed a list of what constituted household expenses and what didn't... So vets bills for dog = household expenses, presents for our combined daughters = household expenses... My haircuts = my personal expenses... Etc.

[buckeejit]

On another thread v recently when I was complaining about my normally lovely dh letting me down, another poster said what her grandmother used to say of her frustrating grandfather, that he was ‘too lazy to think’

Sadly It seems quite often the case that unless it’s spelled out to men they don’t think of the impact on others. I am on a similar mission to redress the balance of a lot of minor things in my relationship as in hindsight I find it falling that I’ve always had to take the burden of this & that.

Also paying rent & train fare is easy, sorting all the other bills is not & possibly more unequal. I’d start by having a joint account for agreed amounts to go into & all household to come out of.

Buy him a stopping smoking book for Christmas. He should at least immediately start on roll ups instead of ‘real fags’

Good luck

[RaindropsAndSparkles]

Three options

A fair budget
He pays you housekeeping at the beginning of the month
Leave him

I wouldn't have a joint account with him to be honest. You need to keep your own money and control it, especially if you can find a way to earn more.