Are you truly happy in your relationship if you look for sex elsewhere?

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Just curious what people think. I am in an unhappy marriage and recently bumped into an old ex. He messaged me via FB and he has made it 100% clear he would like to meet me for nsa or fwb he would book hotel etc. I turned him down as I think it's so seedy.

The more I think of it though the more I feel sorry for his gf. He is with her a few years and I find it hard to believe he could be properly in love with her if he's being so disrespectful and deceitful. I believe he propositioned me because he thought I'd be easy to sway. I'm not!

Anyway just interested in other people's thoughts. Can men or women really compartmentalise so much as to love a partner and do the dirty on them?

[CosmicCanary]

In my opinion no.
I not only love my DP but I respect him and the relationship we have. It is those things amongst others that make me happy and stop me or him from cheating. If we did cheat it would show zero respect for the partner.

If your relationship is unhappy you can try to work together and fix it or end it.
Affairs are selfish imo.

[SandyY2K]

Some people are greedy. They are happy enough...maybe a bit bored...but instead of spicing things up or finding a hobby.... they look for an affair.

My experience is that men fund it easier to compartmentalise.

When the affair comes to light .. and their wife leaves ... they actually realise the marriage was good and they risked it all for nothing.

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

People cheat for many various reasons.

However, there's many various reasons for being unhappy.

Sometimes it's needing attention or validation or boredom. Those are not the features of a happy relationship.

They just want, 'a little extra' on the side as an ego boost. They don't want the aggravation of ending what they have, i.e. taking down the infrastructure of their relationship.

He could want some sort of silent, 'up yours' to his partner.

[Barbaro]

No they aren't happy in the relationship if they go elsewhere. They might tell you they are, but they are lying to you and themselves.

[gamerchick]

Open relationships can with the others full knowledge and agreement.

Cheating never works.

[Josuk]

OP - you do realise that’s it’s a naive question. Right?
Life is long and people go through so many phases. Their needs, wants, emotions change and evolve.
Truly happy relationships - like in books and movies - probably exists at times - but not necessarily in that form, or continuously.
And how many postings do we see on here - ‘I thought we’ve been so happy but she (he) just left me’....

And in your posting - I see two people who aren’t quite happy - both you and him. So both of you are with partners who don’t fully give you what you need, it seems. And it’s sad. And it’s also - life.

But to answer your question - yes. People are all different. Some - connect love/sex more strongly, and that tends to be more representative of the females. Some can separate those - and that includes some (many?) men, and some women too.

[murphys]

I think it happens a lot more than we know.

I have had quite a number of 'offers' like this since being out of a relationship. Of course they have all been turned down. But this is the same person who a few days later is putting up photos of himself and his wife on his profile pic etc.

I think its the ego boost as mentioned, bit bored (we are talking marriages of 20 plus years here). Mid life crisis plays a part as well I think.

[Aliosa]

I think they can be happy and love their partners but still want sex with someone else. Usually men though. I agree they can move it into another box where it has nothing to do with their marriage.

My ex had an affair and I divorced him for it and I would never go near a married man so I’m not making excuses!

[NUTBC67]

Men can most definitely. They may be happy with their relationship in general but not the sexual aspect of it. Mid life crisis is real for a lot of men. The realisation that time is running out. I have seen men who have been married many years cheat on trips with the lads, some with prostitutes. They just laugh about it the next day, no feelings whatsoever. It's not for me.

[Ttbb]

Well clearly not. You may be happy in all other aspects/overall but sexually you aren't satisfied and/or you don't get enough affection/attention so go looking for it elsewhere.

[clumsyduck]

I believe so yes . For those who can seperate love and sex .

Acting on it is a whole different ball game to knowing you'd be capable of enjoying it iyswim . For me id prioritise not hurting my dp and loosing his trust .

[Toffeelatteplease]

Yes I think members and women can be in happy relationships and cheat.

Doesn't mean they are respectful or decent human beings. But you don't have to be a decent human being to be a happy one.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Men not members

[TheNaze73]

I don’t think people cheat if they are 100% happy.

If you are 100% happy, have a good fulfilling relationship & have frequent & fulfilling sex, I don’t think you’d even look, let alone go through with fucking someone else

[ChickenlessHead]

I think men can be. Possibly women too, but I’ve only encountered men who do it. A friend of my dh’s is married to the loveliest woman. I’ve known this man for years and his wife is the only woman who he’s ever been interested in enough to have an actual relationship with. He will shag anything that moves, always talks to my dh about afterwards. Doesn’t seem to feel guilty, just terrified he’s going to get caught. I’d say this has happened every couple of months throughout their 5 year marriage.

[corythatwas]

What does 100% happy mean? For most people it would mean "I love this person and even if today isn't a brilliant day because we had a row/she has a cold/I'm stressed about work, I know that is only superficial and the real, deeper happiness is there".

But I also think there are people who are just like little children: they want instant gratification the very moment they want it, and if they see a new toy that's a different colour from the one they've got then they want that too.

That's the kind of person who will cheat when their wife is giving birth, because why should their needs have to wait even 5 minutes? It's the kind of person whose response to a tiff or a family illness will be not "how can we work this through?" but "somebody needs to compensate me for this!"

Maybe that sort of person is not 100% happy. But I suspect it's because they haven't got it in them to be 100% happy. Toddlers haven't either.

And I don't believe it's all about sexual satisfaction either. People have affairs out of vanity, because they could pull someone who is considered "a prize", they have affairs to advance their own status, they have affairs because they Can.

[corythatwas]

I have also heard people admit that the sex in an affair was not as good as the marital sex they were getting anyway, but the thrill of doing something illicit made them feel romantic and special.

[mydogisthebest]

No I don't think someone can be 100% happy in their relationship if they cheat.

No relationship is 100% happy every single day and relationships can go through rough patches but it's still wrong to cheat.

I have been married over 30 years and am very happy but of course there have been some bad times and a couple of times when my love has been tested. I have never ever considered cheating though. Even when I felt that maybe I didn't love my husband 100% I still liked and respected him. You don't cheat on someone you respect.

[TheNaze73]

By 100% happy, I think it’s the sexual fulfilment part.

[IrianOfW]

Yes. I believe it is possible for them to think they love, to feel love, but clearly cheating is a far from loving act and that is what counts.

No mature person should expect a partner to fulfil all their needs all the time. Those with a big fat emotional deficit expect instant and permanent gratifications from a partner and will feel disappointed when their partner can't work that particular miracle. 'Make me happy' is the most unreasonable request one human being can make of another and is always doomed to failure.

The question you should ask is can the unfaithful spouse actually love anyone, even themselves.

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Thanks for the replies. I totally agree that every relationship has it's ups and downs and nobody can be happy all the time.

My ex is with his gf a couple of years so I would have thought they'd still be in the honeymoon stage or near enough. I'd say with him it's because he thought he could get away with it, thought I would be an easy target and his relationship is convenient and he doesn't want to be on his own.

[IJoinedJustToPostThis]

I think people cheat when their needs aren't being met in the relationship BUT that's not to blame the cheated-on partner.

Some people have needs (for praise/sex/attention etc) that outstrip what one person could reasonably provide.

[WinchestersInATardis]

I think they can be happy and with someone who is otherwise perfect and still want sex with someone else.
It's about sex for them, not love or relationships.
I do think though that following through and cheating on a loving and unsuspecting partner is horribly deceitful and selfish.
If you want to have sex with multiple people and be in a loving relationship, then there are plenty of poly and open relationship options. Lying to someone who loves you is always a shitty thing to do .

[NUTBC67]

Winchester - in theory that works fine but many don't realise they want to until they are married and have kids.

Sometimes it's not even that complicated. Often, Man sees potential shag on offer and takes it. It can be that simple for some. One of my friends slept with someone when he was away for one night. Didn't go with the intention but the opportunity arose and he took it. Some Men are opportunists when it comes to sex. They could be happily having a pint and a laugh one minute, a look from a woman later and they are trying to get her in bed. The mindset can change that quickly. I've seen it countless times on lads holidays.

[clumsyduck]

I don't think it's always about been totally though happy in terms of whether you WANT to have sex with someone else or not , I think biologically we are wired to find other people attractive and well, "shagable" regardless of relationship status .

I think where the happiness part comes in is whether it's worth the risk of losing what you have . I have cheated in the past, I wasn't happy so I didn't much care for the consequence if found out .

I am very happy with my dp. Does that stop me having sexual desires for other men ? No . Would I ever act on it and destroy what I have with dp ( who for the record I am Massivley attracted to still) ?? No. Would I hell !! you could go on forever couldn't you jumping from one new shag to the next one Doesn't mean much at the end of the day does it . That's just my opinion of course