We're separating. Should I wait until after Xmas to tell dcs?

[inamuddleagain]

Namechanged for this.

Husband confessed 15 month affair 7 months ago and we are mid divorce. I've considered us separated ever since even though he has not yet moved out - he is now regretting things and so dragging his heels on every aspect of the divorce.

Having originally thought I would not tell the children (7 and 3) until H moved out, I am now finding it very hard to continue with the pretence of normality as it drags on and on. Ds (7) is putting two and two together and asking questions, and I feel it is wrong that they are the last to know (his affair wasn't well hidden except from me, and he told me at work so even my colleagues know). For me it would be an enormous relief to be able to be open but I realise it's about the kids not me.

So I would like to tell the children (age appropriate and with reassurance of course), and came home from work today with the intention of sitting h down and talking to him about doing so in the next week or so.

Then I read an old thread here about people whose parents told them of divorce in mid-December and how this negative memory affected this time of year even as adults. I hadn't even thought of this, but obviously I don't want to do that to the kids. Following that logic, they have birthdays in Jan/Feb so it is now or March really.

So - Have I left it too late? Is it already too close to christmas?

Just to say I wrote a longer version of this which included more background and general worry but really what I am looking for advice on is the timing issue. The rest, I just go round in circles.

thanks in advance to anyone willing to share your experience or advice.

[SandyY2K]

I don't think your 3 year old will remember....but it's tricky with the 7 year old.

When is he moving out?

[inamuddleagain]

he's not even opening the solicitors letters, just burying his head in the sand. Assuming that the decree absolute prompts some action, the earliest might be, say, April.

[nightshade]

It's never a good time....Christmas will always be a reminder...

After has the effect of child looking back to the last Christmas together. ...

[loveyoutothemoon]

I agree, there's never a good time. I suggest you tell them now, rather than when he moves out, it will be too much for them to process.

[rizlett]

If you wait till you tell them then you have the negative effect of them knowing something is wrong but worrying about what it is.

Christmas is still a fair way off yet. Maybe just decide to answer any questions that come up rather than having a 'sit down' talk?

[KungFuEric]

I think they might be confused by the message of you not being together, but still cohabiting.

I think I'd be asking myself how your 7 year old is generally, if they are a robust or sensitive child and to be guided by that.

I'd also be thinking about how your husband is going to behave in the coming weeks/months, and if you think he has the capacity to truly behave reasonably where your children are concerned? Men's reactions can often turn to anger when they don't get what they want from you, and it may become a volatile time with Christmas parties and drinking mixed with him over doing the family element or Christmas time and you should just forgive him and get over it already.

[inamuddleagain]

thanks for your replies. kungfu 7 year old is sensitive and picks up on tension even when we think we're concealing it.

Rizlett that's what I'm worried about, along with the possibility of them hearing from someone else, as so many people know and not all of them might realise the kids don't.

I will think about what you have all said, thank you.

[GertrudeBelle]

I think it depends on how well you and your STBXDH can handle things on the day.

If you think you can pull off a great Christmas Day for the kids, then there's an opportunity to show your DC that life will still be good, occasions will still be celebrated etc. It could be a "good" start to the divorce.

But if that's not likely, I'd probably keep quiet. Tricky though; my 7 yo DS can sniff out a lie and is very persistent in trying to get to the truth. He also hates being lied to, so with him there'd be a risk that keeping schtum could damage his trust in his parents at a crucial point.

[Mxyzptlk]

It's still a very long way to Xmas, in a child's mind.
It could be best to tell them now, not connecting it with Xmas but, if they ask, reassuring them that daddy will still be there for Xmas.

It's not easy for any of you, whatever time you choose to tell them.

[MyDcAreMarvel]

"he is now regretting things and so dragging his heels"
Have you had counselling? Forgiving your dh and working through your marriage, would have the best outcome for your dc.

[Dozer]

I think later is worse as DC2 may feel they’d been lied to over Christmas.

[Dozer]

Bollocks, Marvel.

[Tinty]

I am not sure what the answer is, I understand that the DC might feel something is not right, but won't they be confused by you telling them that mummy and daddy are getting divorced if daddy then stays in the house. I don't think children understand what getting divorced means if then daddy is still living in the house.

Also aren't you likely to get the DC begging you not to get divorced and if DH is not ready he might try and get them onside to prevent the divorce.

Can you try and be polite/amicable for this Christmas and then when you have sorted out somewhere else for DH to live, then tell the children, when you have a bit of time before he goes but with a definite Daddy will be leaving in 1 week.

Also if the atmosphere is not the best, then won't it make more sense for the children, than if everything was great then Daddy just moved out? I don't know if your DC even the 7 year old will understand what Daddy having an affair really means. So if he/she sees that everything is not perfect it makes more sense to them.

[Foundwantingalways]

Marvel I really don't think that is the best advice and puts pressure on the OP to simply suck up her husband's appalling betrayal of his family. OP I'm in a similar situation and have no advice myself but wishing you strength

[Mxyzptlk]

Make H move out now so that it's clear to everyone, especially the children, what's actually happening?
Why is he still living there for months on end?

[ferrier]

How do you physically make someone move out?

[robinR]

Ignore Marvel, that’s spectacularly unhelpful.

Honestly? I’d wait until he moves out. It’s going to be upsetting and confusing for them that he’s still there but you’re not together.

[robinR]

You can’t make someone move out (obviously)

[Nicecuppatea21]

OP I think you should tell the kids now. I remember Christmas Day with warrng parents and it was awful. Your DC know things aren't right, even your 3 year old. Children are highly astute.

Honesty is the best policy if you don't want your children anxious and confused tell them as soon as possible.

Tell them you and dad are friends and he is moving out. You will enjoy Christmas Day knowing you can look yourself in the mirror and have been honest.

Tell him to get the ball rolling and see his solicitor.

Best wishes, it's tough but so are you even though you don't feel it yet.

[Hauntedlobster]

Do what’s right for you. I know that sounds blasé but if you conceal it till Jan your 7 yo will look back bitterly thinking “they hid it from me but I knew things weren’t right”. Conversely if you do it now it’ll be a hard Christmas, but it’s going to be either way.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

I think to a 7 year old 5 weeks or so (til Christmas) is actually quite a long time- could you tell them now before you put the tree up and start advent calendars so they don't link it directly to Christmas?

[PotteringAlong]

Why isn't he moving out until April? You're mid divorce. Why not tell the children and he moves out now?

[betrayedandwobbly]

If he isn't going to be moving our until April, then I think you should consider not telling them until nearer the time you physically separate.

But what is the atmosphere in the house going to be like over the next 5 months?

If they can see it is bad, you perhaps need to tell them that you and Daddy have had a few rows, but it's nothing to do with them - just something adults have to deal with. Essentially the 'separation' talk without the separation bit - tell them that , if possible, when there is an actual plan and you can say where their DDad will be living and when they will see him (minimising uncertainty for them)

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

I think it's unfair to tell the DC while he's still in the house and not going anywhere, it'll make the pain of seperation much more drawn out.

You pull a plaster off quickly for less pain, don't you. Telling them know is the equivilant of pulling the plaster of very, very slowly.

They might not believe its really happening until he goes. Until then your eldest may wish you were staying together and think that they can make a difference.

The issue seems to be the tension. Will that change if the DC know? I can't see how- it may even get worse. The tension isn't down to the DC not knowing. It's down to him still being there when he should be doing the decent thing and leaving you to it.

Christmas with you not together but not split up will be horrible for the DC.

Don't tell them till after Christmas, and then ideally just before he moves out.

What you need to focus on is not Christmas but how to make this situation bearable for you and the DC until he moves his selfish arse out of your home.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

Telling them now* not know!