He "lashed out" at me last night for the first time

[drfostersbra]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he is a sensitive, kind and lovely person. I am a femenist and think of myself as strong and independent.

We have a good relationship.

We have a ten month old baby and we both work part time and look after our DD when the other works.

He had a DD from a prev rl who is 10 and stays with us 40% of the time and lives very close by.

Last night, I told him that he should do something to manage his DD's phone and iPad addiction as she is exhausted and LITERALLY on them all day and night.

He really hates it if I so much as suggest a tiny thing about his parenting and says fuck you etc and tries anything to bat me off.

I care a lot about DSD and only raise things if I think she seems unhappy because otherwise it's not worth DH being defensive and angry with me.

His criticism is that I'm judgemental and don't raise things nicely which is true, I was so annoyed last night that I told him it was bad parenting to allow his DD 24/7 internet access. So I can understand why he was annoyed.

He was sorting out some wires down stairs and when I was having a go at him about the fact his DD had been on her iPhone for the entire evening without talking to either of us, he hit me with the bunch of wires as I walked past. It hurt a bit, left no Mark.

But now I'm utterly confused about how to process it. I've always told myself I'd leave at the first sign of violence. I was being angry and horrible to him but there's never a reason to (as he puts it) "lash out" at me.

I dont know where to go from here. Part of me wants to just carry on as though nothing happened. He apolagised, we're both sleep deprived/ I'm confused.

Thanks for reading.

[ShatnersWig]

He really hates it if I so much as suggest a tiny thing about his parenting and says fuck you

That is NOT a sensitive, kind and lovely person, OP. Sorry, just isn't. I've been very tired, very stressed, had serious depression three times but I've never told anyone "fuck you"

[PNGirl]

No partner should EVER respond to you raising something with "Fuck. Off".

[PickAChew]

You need to make it the last time he gets chance to do that.

[drfostersbra]

It's hard because I was brought up by my dad who used to call us little shits and swear at is also hit us a bit (not uncommon then) so I worry that in some way this is just normal to me/ I feel I deserve it. I said fuck your back to him so I'm not completely innocent either 😔

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I don't quite understand what happened.

He was sorting out some wires down stairs and when I was having a go at him about the fact his DD had been on her iPhone for the entire evening without talking to either of us, he hit me with the bunch of wires as I walked past. It hurt a bit, left no Mark.

Did you follow him downstairs to continue having a go at him while he was doing a job? That wouldn't excuse it of course.

[hayli]

No way. You give in to this one act and you will open more door to violence.
Would you like ur dc to grow up seeing their mum been hit as a norm?
Believe me it will become a norm if you just let this pass by.
He hit you with a bunch of wires? Wow. That is over stepping the mark by a long run.

[drfostersbra]

No I was just stood there whilst he was sorting out some wires.
Thr coming downstairs bit is irrelevant

[AdalindSchade]

He's not a nice man. He's also a pretty crappy parent.

[drfostersbra]

No he isn't, he's a great parent there are just some areas he is slack about which is what I was trying to talk to him about.

[ShatnersWig]

Sigh.

OP: Hes a lovely man.
Everyone else: No he isn't.
OP: But he's a great parent.
Everyone else: No, he isn't.

Stop making any sort of excuse for him. He is neither lovely nor a great parent.

[AdalindSchade]

Umm
Letting a 10 year old have 24/7 internet access is terrible parenting and telling you to fuck off when you offer an opinion is arrogant and narrow minded.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

He’s not sensitive, kind and lovely at all. 😵

Dsd may think that he is sensitive, kind and lovely because he lets her do what she wants.

You’re reasonable to bring up this problem and as a parent he obviously chooses to ignore it. As she spends so much time there, you’re not unreasonable to have an opinion on behaviour like this.

He’s massively unreasonable to hit you with the wires (whether or not it hurt or there’s a mark is neither here nor there) He clearly wants a partner who never says anything negative about dsd, even when you are clearly doing it out of responsible adult concern. He’s not planning on doing anything about this and you need to decide if you can put up with a man who thinks that intimidation is ok.

[Migraleve]

He “lashed out” at me last night for the first time

Let’s just talk about your thread title. What do you mean by ‘for the first time’? Surely you mean for the LAST time? Or is this something you are happy with?

Come on OP you are kidding yourself. This is not a healthy relationship.

[drfostersbra]

I just think we're both tired, both trying our best to get through the exhaustion. Not our best selves.
We ended up having a constructive conversation about DSD and he spoke at length to DSD's mum about it to straighten things out.

I just do t know how to process what happened.

[Migraleve]

just think we're both tired, both trying our best to get through the exhaustion. Not our best selves.

Why did you post them go on to make it he did nothing wrong?

He physically abused you. He is a cunt. We all get tired and have stress etc but we don’t go round ‘lashing out’ at each other

FFS: welcome to a life of being downtrodden

[drfostersbra]

Yeah.
You're probably all right I should just leave him, take his DD away from him. Become homeless because I have no money. Leave behind years of happy marriage for one mistake. I'm sure I'll feel much better.

I was hoping for someone to come along who would consider the intricacies of the situation and maybe offer some sane advice.

[Migraleve]

You don’t think it’s sane to leave an abusive relationship?

[ShatnersWig]

What did you expect us to say????

[DearMrDilkington]

If my partner ever said 'fuck you' to me he'd be gone by the morning.

I'm not being spoken to like that in my own home.

[Migraleve]

Leave behind years of happy marriage for one mistake.

Go back and read your OP

[AdalindSchade]

What advice do you want?!?!

[hmmmmm]

No words

[Hubblebubble64]

He swears at you, is arrogant and rude when you voice an opinion on his daughter and now has assaulted you, what advice did you expect to get.

[ShatnersWig]

Here's a post you made about him in September, OP:

I cook, DH washes up. Well that's the agreement that we come to every few months after a huge row when I ask why he has decided not to wash up again.

If there's one thing that pushes my buttons, it's coming downstairs in the morning after cooking a lovely meal the night before and finding stinking dirty washing up.

I'm at home all day with our very mobile baby today and there's no side board space to prepare food and a bad smell that I have to sit with all day.

Bastard. So would I be U to put it all in on his car bonnet so he will need to move it before he starts his day (as I will have to do)
It annoys me that it's always good for a few months then he leaves it for one night, I let it go, 2 nights I think 'oh he must be tired I'll do it', 3 nights hmm he's slacking. 4 nights arggggh!

[LML83]

it sounds like you want to believe it is tiredness, and a one off and he has apologised sufficiently.

It is your choice, it is your marriage. Please make a clear plan in your mind what will u do if it happens again? Hopefully never does but don't stay because u feel trapped. What do you need to do to make sure you don't end up in a situation where you have an excuse him again, or worse regular excuses.