So upset and angry with 'so called friend'

[lottieandmia22]

I just need to rant about this as I’m so upset. I took dd2 (13) and dd3 (8) to a firework night with a so called friend and her daughter. This was her idea. Her dd is the same age as dd3 and they have been friends for years but no longer attend the same school. She often sends me texts saying she thinks the world of me blah blah and has taken dd3 on days out.

Dd2 is NT and dd3 has autism. At the moment dd3 is having a rough patch and has severe ocd and is barely sleeping.

So my friend wanted to go into the fireworks display 2 hours before it started. I knew this was a bad idea because dd3 would get overloaded and said so but my friend insisted we needed to go in then. I should have said no but I also am on the spectrum and sometimes allow other people to boss me around. I won’t do that again!

Dd3 was a bit loud and screechy but otherwise wasn’t hurting anyone. I was also feeling overloaded. My friend suddenly says to me ‘oh hahahaha, that woman just said your dd3 is a nightmare’ I was really hurt that she felt she had to blurt this out to me. Why tell me?

Then she spent the rest of the evening saying I’m not firm enough with dd3, she’s changed and comparing her negatively with dd2 who doesn’t have autism! She also ignored the fact that her daughter was winding dd3 up by shoving pizza in her face and pulling her hair. Dd2 also told me she noticed this. The friend was really quite off with me and nasty as though she thinks I’m to blame for my daughter being a bit loud.

Since then I’ve decided to bin her but I feel so mad because she went to great lengths to convince me she is a great friend in the past when she clearly isn’t. I’m starting to think she just wanted to push me around and saw me as an easy target. Why would anyone be so nasty? My daughter is not a nightmare usually - I spoke to her teacher on Monday and she says she’s a lovely little girl. She is loud but she’s very kind and affectionate.

[lottieandmia22]

The problem is that when I don’t understand something I find it hard to let go. I feel as though this woman had an ulterior motive for befriending me in the first place now

[springydaffs]

That does sound upsetting lottie

imo people can be a bit thick. I don't think they necessarily mean ill, they are just a bit dumb and stupid

Not everybody 'gets' autism. It sounds like your (ex) friend doesn't have the first idea and thought it appropriate to wade in with this and that opinion. Silly cow!

[Pinkpillows]

Your thinking way too much into this, sounds like she set out to just be your friend but didn't expect nor could cope with your daughter, what she said wasn't pleasant and her child didn't help either but as you've cut contact just put this whole thing to bed isn't worth thinking anymore over

[cakedup]

Her behaviour was awful. You might never understand why she has acted the way she has, because there might not be any other reason other than that's just how she is.

I find it best to go by a person's actions - words are cheap. And the actions of this woman show just who she really is, not her lovey dovey texts.

She sounds manipulative, selfish and cruel. Don't waste any more time over her. I know you're hurt but she really isn't worth it. You don't understand her intentions because you're not a nasty piece of work like she is.

[AtSea1979]

Maybe your friend felt overloaded too and struggled to cope with your DD. Other people's children always sound louder than your own. Maybe she mentioned the comment because she thought you'd laugh and brush it off/agree/say what a cheeky bitch she was a laugh etc.
Only you know the context in which it was said. As you've cut her off try not to give it another thought and be kind to yourself and DD's

[lottieandmia22]

But I expected better from her. She knows we are all (except dd2) ND. She has told me in the past that her brother is autistic so I did think she would have more understanding. And her own daughter is not an easy child although she thinks she is- when I had her to our house she constantly tormented our cats and threw food and also wouldn’t leave the park when I said it was time to go. She’s just not noisy.

If you heard a random stranger say something mean about your friends child why would you tell them?

[lottieandmia22]

She also knows that dd3 can be loud and has experienced it before

[lottieandmia22]

Oh and she also texted me afterwards to say let’s meet up again soon (!) i mean wtf

[Greedynan]

She sounds a bit of a dick. I'm not surprised you're hurt. I'd be distancing myself if I were you. Xx

[Gemini69]

Forget about her.. block and delete.. move on with your DC's

[Disquieted1]

Sleep on it. If she's been a great friend in the past but acted out of character tonight it would be a shame to lose a friendship. Anyone can be an ass.

If tomorrow she gives you a grovelling apology, accept it and move on.

[lottieandmia22]

I have to accept that there isn’t always going to be an answer I guess. I was always surprised that she went out of her way to befriend me tbh because I don’t socialise nor do I particularly want to. I’m happy alone with just my family most of the time.

[lottieandmia22]

Oh no it was at the weekend disquieted. I’ve heard nothing from her since.

[MadMags]

It doesn't sound like whatever she did was on purpose if she's texting to say meet again?!

[Cricrichan]

It sounds like she doesn't get autism if she thinks she's doing it on purpose. She's also a bit delusional about her own child or because she's used to her it doesn't bother her.

Don't let this upset you. In my experience with friends and all our NT children there can be similar feelings and disagreements. But if you enjoy each other's company and have fun then you all have to be a bit forgiving of each other's intolerance of your children.

[lottieandmia22]

Hmm. What I’m annoyed about mostly is the way she was grilling me as though she expects me to provide an explanation when I have told her over the last few weeks that my daughter isn’t really very well and has been very affected by the OCD and rituals etc.

I also think she shouldn’t have pressured me to go in 2 hours early. My daughter settled down once the fireworks started (it was a seated event).

[JWrecks]

I'd be upset for sure! I'm sorry you had such a rotten night with such a rotten 'friend'.

It was ridiculous to demand that you go in HOURS early, but especially after you explained to her what a bad idea it would be. It was downright nasty of her to turn round and tell you 'oh that woman's just said something rude about your child'. A real friend would have kept her mouth shut, or told the woman off!

And excuse me?! Her DD was pulling your DD's hair?? Her kid was winding up your kid, and being physically abusive to boot, and she has a go at YOU? How dare she?! No, that is not on.

If you have any desire in you to maintain the friendship, you might contact her and let her know that you were hurt by her words and behaviours that night. If she has anything less than genuine, profuse apology on offer, then bin her. And if the friendship isn't terribly important to you, and your DDs won't be affected by the two of you not being close, just bin her.

[counterpoint]

Fireworks displays should banned.

[hannah1992]

I wouldn't have gone 2 hours earlier either. My kids don't have autism but they would have been going wild and running about and my older one would have been "when's it starting" " is it coming on yet" constantly and I don't think I could mentally cope with that. It's like being in a car and then going "are we there yet" so annoying 😂.
Yanbu in future try to be more firm about your wishes. I wouldn't lose the friendship but I would tell her how you feel. If she's a good friend she will accept it apologise and move on. Then in future be firm and just say "if you want to go earlier that fine, I'll meet you there"

[RiotAndAlarum]

If it was a seated event (presumably with assigned places), she was extremely unreasonable to insist on going so early. Also to let her DD wind yours up. Given those two areas of bad judgement, the other insensitivities aren't very surprising... 😕

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

'I find it best to go by a person's actions - words are cheap. And the actions of this woman show just who she really is, not her lovey dovey texts.'

This. A lesson I've had to learn, slowly and quite painfully.

[lottieandmia22]

Yes the seats were prebooked. I think sometimes people show their true colours when things don’t work out exactly as they hoped. My friend wasn’t very happy anyway because she said there was a weird atmosphere at the event. I just know if I heard someone say that about her daughter I would not have repeated it to her.

[RiotAndAlarum]

Just as you have to "manage" children on the spectrum, to avoid meltdowns, you might have to "manage" her as well. Clearly, she doesn't think things through very well, because she and her daughter were wound up and stressed, too, and both of them rather unkindly let that spill over onto you and your DD. If you want to see her again, it would probably be best to meet in a situation which is not going to be too taxing, so she can be kinder!

[Jayfee]

NT? ND?

[Andro]

NT - Neuro developmentally typical

ND -Neuro developmentally different/divergent (e.g. having an autistic spectrum disorder)