Posting here in the hope someone can offer some words of wisdom.
In a nutshell - I'm 35. I have a sixteen year old daughter (who I had when I was just nineteen - her father has never been involved). A few years ago I met my incredible DP (who's just turned 45) - he has two teenage children who live with their mother. DP is wonderful - I could never have imagined meeting and being with someone I love so much and who loves me.
Here's the issue - I find myself thinking more and more about children. Having never been in a position to plan a child, give birth with a partner, raise a child together - it's something which is taking up more and more of my thoughts. I'll be 36 in a few months and I feel like time is running out. It's not that I want any baby, I want DP's baby. I've seen what an amazing father he is to his two children and I want to have a baby with him, or at least to talk about it.
However, DP cannot think about having another child at the moment. His divorce is not finalised and is causing endless stress and one of his children is seriously ill with the possibility that the illness will be terminal. At the moment it depends of treatment and waiting and seeing what happens.
So the timing is terrible. He is stressed out. He is emotionally drained, as am I. All he can say is that he doesn't know how he might feel in the future, but at present he can't consider anything to do with having more children. He doesn't want to say that he'll discuss in the future (in six or nine months for example), as he says that just adds further pressure on him which he doesn't need.
I'm conscious that I'm getting older and my fertility is potentially declining on a daily basis. I can't discuss anything without it upsetting both of us, but I can't just put up and shut up indefinitely without any form of resolution. I said yesterday that it just feels like he wants to stall until I'm infertile anyway, then the decision is made.
I don't want to break up the relationship - I want to be with him, not anyone else. But I don't know how I can avoid resentment creeping in, since ultimately he has the final say in this. There is no compromise. As irrational as it is, I just feel second best to his ex - he had children with her, why won't he have them with me? Is it that I'm not good enough? And I know that's not the reason - he's older, he has children, he has so much stress - but to me it feels like a rejection of me.
He has every right to feel like he does and me putting additional pressure on him isn't helpful. But it's just completely wearing me out emotionally. Colleagues are getting pregnant, friends are asking if we'll have a baby, I see pregnant women everywhere, I dream about being pregnant. It's just consuming me more and more. I don't want to jeopardise the relationship but can't get past these feelings. If I was ten years, or even five years younger, then I could wait and see what happens. But I don't have that luxury.
If anyone has any wisdom, please please share it as at the moment I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
If your DP doesn't want children, how do you accept this and not destroy the relationship with resentment?
Atanimpasse · 08/11/2017 11:16
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