Help, I'm having a wobble

[SillyBillyMe17]

Hello All!

I need help - I'm wobbling hugely! My original thread is www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3064192-Am-I-doing-the-right-thing

I am due to move out on 1st December, but my DP (who doesn't yet know) has turned into sweetness and light. I know this is all part of the EA cycle but I'm finding it hard to keep my resolve.

A colleague suggested I speak with my manager and see if I can work from home until I move out, and then go the 180 miles to my mums until D-Day, but I am pretty sure she won't agree to this, and I can't afford a hotel etc. until then more locally.

Please help me stay strong.. It's my birthday next week, too, so he's being all nicey nicey about that... Help!

[f83mx]

Have you got any leave you can take from work? Seriously re-read your original thread, everything you need to know is in there x

[NewStartNow]

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
And yes that was a little bit shouty.
This is financial, emotional and now turning to physical abuse. Please read Lundy Bancroft or many of the resources on the internet. One that I found helpful below;
www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Basics/escalation.html

[HelenUrth]

The man who threw a door at you and his way of apologising was telling you that you need to get help so you don't make him so mad that he throws doors at you?

Remember how you felt then and hopefully that will help you stay strong. Good luck!

[SillyBillyMe17]

@f83mx Unfortunately not enough, and other colleagues are on leave, too - but I have asked for a meeting with my line manager so will see if she'll approve some compassionate leave or something..

@NewStartNow I need shouting at! Thank you for the link, I'll take a look.

I wish he would stop being nice, I know it's a vicious circle but I'd rather it just be awful for the next few weeks than feel this guilt about leaving..

[SillyBillyMe17]

@HelenUrth Thank you :)

[KarenW]

Give your head a wobble, he is horrid, you know this, we all know this, and he is making you responsible for his abuse towards you? ??just hunker down and know that better thing are less than a month away!!!

[SillyBillyMe17]

Thanks @KarenW.. I need a brick wall to bang it against I think!

I am looking forward to leaving, but am swallowed up by guilt at the moment, which is ridiculous I know..

[KarenW]

What are you guilty of? Re read your original thread, again and again, then realise that you are strong!!!

[hellsbellsmelons]

You will have wobbles.
It's perfectly normal.
Especially when they are on the 'nice' part of the cycle.
As PP's have said - just keep re-reading your original post.
You will find the strength.
You've done so so well.
You CAN do this.

You are doing it for you and your DC!!!
Never forget that.
YOU are breaking the cycle for your DC.

[KarenW]

how is the secret packing going?

[SillyBillyMe17]

It's not really 'going', I think he suspects something is up. I feel slightly relieved in that he seems so very unhappy, being tied to a relationship.

He keeps mentioning what he could do if he lived alone and had no one to consider (!!), has asked me not to spring any commitments on him (I think he meant pets but who knows) as he doesn't want any more (he has a 13 year old dog).. It's Ok at home but the general atmosphere is quite melancholy, almost sad.

It's my birthday next Friday, I wish it wasn't.. I think we'll be on the downward part of the 'cycle' again after that..


I've got a couple of boxes at work that I'll start filling next week with my trinkets and bits and pieces (you know, the small bits I'd hate to forget but probably would when caught up in the emotion of it!).

Three weeks to go...

[KarenW]

your second paragraph just confirms that you are so doing the right thing, and your birthday coming up is kind of irrelevant, its a day nearer to your new life, and that is such a good thing...

Glad that you are putting away your trinkets. Make sure you pack passports, birth certs, bank stuff etc..Do you have someone to help you move out? Don't do it on your own as he could turn really nasty. It happened to me and he battered my friend into a door!

How about looking at puppy websites to throw him further off the scent? Can think of far worse things to be doing. Start getting all dewy eyed and talk about puppies, A LOT!
Chin up, 21 days to go!!!!

[Iooselipssinkships]

I know your birthday is coming up and it might all seem a mess but try envisage your next birthday. By then you'll be free and able to do whatever you want on your special day without an abusive dickweed bringing you down.
It's true, if they sense you taking any sort of control back they can become the man you fell in love with but should this not work it can get very nasty and dangerous.
Keep your wits and remind yourself he isn't this lovely kind men he's portraying right now.
The guilt will stay for a while but it will eventually pass. It shows you're human and I think as Mum's we're predisposed to guilt as it is.
Stay strong OP you're doing really well xx

[Iooselipssinkships]

man *

[SillyBillyMe17]

Thank you both.

@KarenW - haha! I love the puppy idea! I think I might do that! There's no one that can help I'm afraid. I don't believe he will turn nasty, but I might pop across to our neighbours and have a chat with them, just in case..

@looselips very true, I will look forward to next year, and a guilt free birthday!

I didn't realise how hard it would be to do the right thing.. xx

[AlternativeTentacle]

I don't believe he will turn nasty

He already did turn nasty, hence you going.

Just be happy that you know that you will be out and the 21 days will soon go. Honest. Paint a smile on and fake it til you make it. He is only behaving like this as he suspects something is up, so just act as normally as you can. .

[KarenW]

I would book a removal firm to come and pack and move you if you can , or a man with a van. They will do all of the hard work, and act as witnesses if he tries anything!

[6demandingchildren]

My friend did exactly like you, she moved things he wouldn't notice to her work, she has now been living apart from him for almost 2 years and she looks amazing and she has almost all of her confidence back.
Not long to go xx

[SillyBillyMe17]

I don't have enough stuff to warrant a moving van, it will all fit in my little hatchback (nothing in the house is mine except my clothes, and bits and bobs..)! It really hasn't been my home..

I'm really nervous and unsure of how to tell him - I'll get home from work and then.. Just say it's over? I don't want to be angry or mean about it, how is best to word it? Of course it's harder because he's being so damned nice at the moment...!

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Hi OP,

I know you are wanting to 'do the right thing' by telling him you're leaving, but are you sure that is wise? What if that 'sets him off?' - would you be safe? Just worried about you.

[AlternativeTentacle]

I'm really nervous and unsure of how to tell him - I'll get home from work and then.. Just say it's over?

Take a day;s leave, pretend to go to work, let him leave, then go pack your stuff up, go and get settled in your new place.

Get a postal resend form, and get it to the local post office as soon as you have the keys to the new place so all your post doesn't go to the old place.

Then once settled, just never go back. When he starts ringing demanding to know where you are, tell him that you have left and are not coming back. Then block on all counts and start having a lovely life.

[SillyBillyMe17]

Hi Both,

I'm 100% certain I'd be safe (he has recently been dropping hints about potentially separating..).
I don't have it in me to just disappear, plus he works from home, so is always there/this isn't an option.

I've submitted my post redirection request from my move date, so that's all in hand!

I know I don't owe him anything, but I need to have a totally clear conscience, and I don't think just vanishing will give me that. I will sit down and tell him, I just don't know how to even begin that conversation!

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Well you sound like a decent person. Hope it all goes well and good luck with your new life!

[SillyBillyMe17]

Thank you, @GreenFingers!

[Joysmum]

I know this is all part of the EA cycle but I'm finding it hard to keep my resolve

If you need resolve perhaps it would help you to pretend to explain the cycle of abuse to a stranger who is clueless about such things. Explaining it out load may make you realise that’s exactly what is happening to you and keep you motivated.