Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

At a loss.

(27 Posts)
OverwhelminglyCrap Sat 04-Nov-17 18:35:20

I've name changed for this, Brian from Hull, penis breaker etc etc.

I'm in a proper mess. DH has a psychological injury which affects him on a daily basis, but he manages to work etc.

Almost three months ago my beloved Mum died. My dad (divorced years ago) hasn't directly contacted me since I called him to tell him Mum had died, although I've seen him twice.

I have a 6 year old dc and a full on, full time job.

This past week I've been feeling incredibly low, and the reading I've done indicates that grief can get worse around the three month mark.

Today DH got angry, which is part of his condition, but he said something really hurtful to me. I've been crying a lot this week and he said 'It's been three months!' as though I shouldn't still be upset. Obviously this upset me far more and I told him to go. I tried to talk to him afterwards, to explain how much I'm struggling but he wasn't interested and has gone.

My friend has kindly taken the dc to a firework display and I'm at home on my own.

I have never felt so lonely in my life. Apart from dc I feel that I haven't got anyone really close any more. My adored mum is gone, my dad might as well be and now my DH has gone too.

What do I do now?

OverwhelminglyCrap Sat 04-Nov-17 19:35:26

Yep. That's what I came up with too...

ElephantsandTigers Sat 04-Nov-17 19:45:57

I'm sorry for all you've said in your OP and how you're obviously feeling to post your second message. It's Saturday night before bonfire night and I suspect a lot of people are out doing fireworks.

It isn't shut when you have a loss. I have no family, was brought up in care and don't even have a mum substitute, and even though I'm married with kids I don't feel I belong anywhere to anyone.

Ask yourself honestly whether your dh truly meant what he said, whether it's a result of his injury or whether he's grieving too. Or if he's an arse.

I don't really know what to say but I'll listen [flowers).

beesandknees Sat 04-Nov-17 19:48:29

Holding your hand op. It's shit isn't it.

DoloresKeane Sat 04-Nov-17 19:48:35

Oh love, how sad you seem.
Not knowing what exactly is your DH's problem I can't say whether he is a deliberate insensitive twat or just an accidental insensitive twat.
But I'm sorry you miss your Mum and I'm sorry you're facing your loss alone.

OverwhelminglyCrap Sat 04-Nov-17 19:52:55

He's got combat related ptsd so he's on edge at the moment with the fireworks but I've been supporting him with it for over six years yet when I'm struggling his response is to go.

He's sat and watched tv whilst I've been sobbing at the other end of the sofa. Part of me is really angry with him.

OverwhelminglyCrap Sat 04-Nov-17 19:54:24

My mum was my support when DH struggles, and now I've lost her and that and I'm grieving and he isn't stepping up. What does it take for my pain to come before his??

Bitconfused75 Sat 04-Nov-17 19:58:30

So sorry about your mum - there is no timescale on grief - but if you are struggling it may be worth contacting your local hospice or Cruse for a chat, particularly as your DH can't offer much support.
Is he getting help for the PTSD? I think in this situation it might be worth focusing on what you need to keep going and where you can get that support from.

jobergamot Sat 04-Nov-17 20:01:14

You get in a bath, a hot, epsom salts bath. You cry, weep, wail if you need to. Get this grief out of your body. You take responsibility for your own healing and grieving.... You get early nights, enough sleep, rest. Book a massage. Get to a yoga class.

Get into your body, feel, heal.

Don't expect DH to do what he is incapable of.

Lots of love. You will get through....

OverwhelminglyCrap Sat 04-Nov-17 20:21:39

I'm trying Jobergamot, I really am, but I'm also responsible for my dc who needs me, running a house, job etc. I have no childcare for a massage or yoga, I can't wail in the bath because it would terrify my six year old who is always home when I am. Added to the above I'm a teacher in a massively under privileged area, so I work a lot once dc is in bed.

I have so many balls in the air, so many responsibilities, that I don't have the luxury of time.

OverwhelminglyCrap Sat 04-Nov-17 20:22:27

Even less so now DH has gone.

littlecabbage Sat 04-Nov-17 20:35:46

I'm so sorry to read your post (sorry not to reply earlier - was out at fireworks). It does sound as though you have had a lot on your plate anyway, and now losing your Mum and your DH's unsympathetic response has made things seem far worse.

Firstly, three months is NOTHING in the context of bereavement. I am coming up to the one year anniversary of my Dad's death and I still feel very sad, although things are definitely getting easier. But at three months I think you are only just getting over the shock of your loss. Do you have supportive friends you can talk/cry about your Mum with? Alternatively, try bereavement counselling with Cruse or a local hospice. Some will come to your house and/or do evening appointments.

Why do you think your DH is so unsupportive? Is it his injury or just that he lacks empathy? Maybe you need to give your future together some serious thought. A relationship has to be give and take - he can't expect to have you support him and not give anything in return. Is joint counselling worth suggesting?

Can you reduce your hours at work temporarily? It sounds to me like you have valid grounds to at least ask.

You sound like a nice person and although things seem bleak currently, I'm sure things will improve. Good luck, and keep talking xx

HandbagCrazy Sat 04-Nov-17 21:22:53

flowers for you OP.

First, have a think about what will help you right now? A chat with someone? Rest / time to think? Being busy? Exercise?
I think you need to accept that you’re going to be hurting and grieving right now, but if there’s anything that can help, do that or make arrangements for it to happen.

I am sorry for your loss. I would imagine you’re now at the awful stage of it actually sinking it. Of course it hurts and you need support.

WRT your H, and at the risk of sounding unsympathetic, I think he’s been awful. I understand that he is struggling but if he can keep it together enough at work to keep a job going for the last few years, he can be gently and patient with you. He may be not be the person you lean on as he may be fragile, but a hug and some comfort when you’re crying isn’t beyond him. I would do that for someone I don’t know if they were upset.
Where has he gone? Is he likely to come back?

OverwhelminglyCrap Sat 04-Nov-17 22:01:17

Definitely at the sinking in stage and its horrific. He's at his parents, I don't know if he'll be back and I don't know if I want him to, tbh. I couldn't really reduce my work hours and I wouldn't want to if at all possible. Work provides a fantastic distraction.

Thank you all for your lovely messages. I think I'm going to seek some grief counselling, which I hadn't considered before.

littlecabbage Sat 04-Nov-17 22:20:57

One thing I would say about work being a good distraction is that you do need time to just think about your loss. You may not want to, but you can only start to move forwards positively once you have started grieving properly, however shit it feels.

I think everyone needs to find their own balance between distraction and grieving time. For you, it may not be that reducing work hours is the right thing, but do find that "thinking time" somehow xx

DancingOnParsnips Sat 04-Nov-17 22:28:54

flowers. Yes, try grief counselling. You seem to have so much on your plate.

PuellaEstCornelia Sun 05-Nov-17 08:10:42

Go to the doctors Monday morning. Get signed off for a couple of weeks. Take some time out and some time to yourself. Three months is nothing in the scale of grieving!

jobergamot Sun 05-Nov-17 09:10:29

Echo what Cornelia said; get signed off sick, it's perfectly acceptable. I get that you feel responsible in your job and do a lot of work when you get home, but I definitely espouse the 'fit your own oxygen mask' theory - you need to get yourself on the path to healing and recovering from your mum's death before you've got anything to give in your job, or to your children... you need to give yourself that time and space.

lots more love xx

OverwhelminglyCrap Sun 05-Nov-17 11:37:32

I really appreciate the time people are taking to offer support but I really need to be at work. It's what is getting me through it. If I were to be signed off I would be even more alone than I am now. Whereas work provides structure, purpose, support and company. I know it's not that way for everyone and that many people find work an additional stressor, but for me work is my support network, my safe space.

If I didn't have work I would literally fall apart. I've also just had half term off.

beesandknees Sun 05-Nov-17 15:18:47

I get you op. When my marriage was falling apart work was the only thing keeping me sane.

Thebluedog Sun 05-Nov-17 15:25:42

Hand holding flowers 3 months is really nothing and it’s a really insensitive thing for your dh to say, even if it’s as a result of his condition.

I’m the same with work, I enjoy my job and on occasions it’s the only thing that’s kept me sane. Try and have a good hard think about what YOU want, not what anyone else may want or how your decision affects them

RainyApril Sun 05-Nov-17 15:31:52

Do you want to stay married?

Because I have a brother with ptsd and, while I know how it impacts personal relationships, it doesn't have to make someone an unfeeling shit.

Three months is nothing. Of course you are still grieving. If you have no support in rl and no time for counselling, could you look for proper bereavement support online? There is a bereavement board on mn I believe, which might be a starting point.

The experiences that affected your dh so terribly happened longer ago than three months, yet are still having a profound impact on him. Why can't he understand that your loss is still impacting you?

If this is par for the course I personally would call it a day rather than spend another day, week or month so low down a partner's list of priorities; you are more lonely in your marriage than you would be without it.

OverwhelminglyCrap Sun 05-Nov-17 16:29:48

He's not always like this, days of fireworks on top of Remembrance Sunday looming and a treatment session is a huge amount of triggers for him. I know that he is very sorry, I also know that he didn't mean it, but at the same time I am too depleted to support him at the moment, which he understands. He also understands that I need him more than I ever have before but he is too deep in the mire. His ptsd is very serious, He did eleven operational tours, saw countless horrific things, dealt with casualties, strapped splattered body parts onto dead friends, got trapped in a Taliban kill zone for hours and was refused any air support or casualty evacuation, got a Sun Military Award for the privilege etc. It's amazing he even functions at all tbh.

On reflection it's just a colossal timing fuck up as neither of us are in a position to support the other properly.

OrangeCrush19 Sun 05-Nov-17 16:43:38

Apologies if I’ve mussed this, but does your husband get any support apart from you? PTSD is horrific and I’d imagine he needs professional counselling / psychiatric treatment - ?

The oxygen mask theory works for him too - he can’t support you unless he’s well, you can’t support him unless you’re well. Right now you’re both going through shit and it sounds like you have just enough resources for the basics - eating, getting to work etc

Grief counselling sounds like a great idea. Maybe one of the wise people on here could recommend some reading / online resources that you could do in your own time / while the DC are in bed.

One thing that helped me with grief was to write down my feelings. Just acknowledge them - what you miss about your mum, what you won’t miss (!) When I got through the worst stage of grief, I found that record of my memories to be really comforting. they might be something you could share with your DC one day.

Best wishes flowers

OverwhelminglyCrap Sun 05-Nov-17 16:59:36

He gets very limited treatment, from a massively overstretched charity and a woefully under educated and overstretched NHS service and we've had to fight tooth and nail for that. There is literally no-one in this NHS trust who is trained to deal with combat ptsd and a lot of the trauma related ptsd treatment is contra indicated for combat ptsd. He is on a large drug regime too. He's been on a waiting list to see a NHS psychologist for over two years.

He's made five serious suicide attempts - and still nothing significant. PTSD has recently been reclassified as Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome because it is an injury, not an illness.

He gave 18 years service and he's broken. We can't get anyone to fix him.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: