I'm starting to regret getting married

[Sotuko]

DP and I get on well but the spark has definately gone. We rarely have sex (he's not interested, despite saying otherwise) and I crave affection and fun. I dream of dating again, having someone desire and want me. I'm only 36, I feel I'm too young to accept this forever.

We only seem to be happy when we're on holiday. Next year we're not going on holiday and I have a feeling it will spell the end of our (2 year) marriage.

[Sotuko]

DH sorry.

[TammyswansonTwo]

So sorry to hear this. How long have things been like this? Do you think there's an underlying cause for the lack of sex drive / wanting sex - medication, porn, something else? What's the rest of the relationship been like? I've had extended periods of no sex drive due to medication / hormonal issues and it's put huge strain on our marriage but the rest of the relationship is fantastic so we've gotten through it and things are better than ever now. It's not impossible if there's an obvious issue to be worked on but more difficult if there isn't.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

Suggest a sex therapist and see if he agrees? Has he always had a very low sex drive? However if he is happy like this he needs to know the marriage is in trouble. You are so young op and have years of sex and fun ahead of you, but maybe not with this guy.

[LastOneDancing]

Have you spoken about this?
Does he know how you feel?

[Sotuko]

He's just tired all the time and it's not a priority to him. For example he works full time, often until 6pm and then when he gets home he likes to chill out. Fair enough but to him, chilling out is staying up late watching TV. He can't be arsed with sex. When we get rare time alone in an afternoon he'd rather "get on" with jobs etc, not waste time having sex. Weekend mornings he wants a lie in. By the time he's up and awake I've been up hours. I can't just lie in bed all morning on the off chance that he'll want sex.

Even on holiday he often can't be arsed. On our honeymoon we had sex twice in a week in Venice and I initiated both times. Same with our anniversary.

It's not just sex though, we don't do anything together. He just wants to work and then watch TV/play computer games. I go to gym now and karate - he does nothing other than work and watch TV and do DIY. The only thing we do together is go on holiday and occasionally go to watch a band (on his terms, not something I'm into anymore) where he gets drunk and often argumentative.

[Melony6]

He sounds a dead loss

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

Jeez, makes me glad I am now single. What the hell is in this marriage for you?

[Sotuko]

I really don't know anymore. If I'm honest it's probably just financial security that's a positive now.

We get on well, but like a couple of flat mates iyswim? I fancy him but not as much as I used to. I don't think he fancies me anymore, at least that's how I interpret his lack of sexual interest.

I know this is wrong of me but a while back I came across his divorce papers from previous marriage. One of her reasons for filing for divorce was lack of affection and intimacy. Feeling unloved and unwanted. So I suppose it's not just me.

[Chapterandverse]

Have you told him how you feel and given him time to make changes?

That would be my next move. Then he can't say he wasn't warned.

[missyB1]

I’m wondering why you married him?! Honestly that’s a serious question, you must have known he had a low sex drive and struggles with intimacy?
Anyway now you need to tell him how it’s making you feel, the two of you could go for counselling or he could go on his own, why don’t you put that to him?

[carolmusic]

Wow, he sounds just like my ex, no sex, no affection, feeling unwanted, only doing stuff he wants to do, lying in bed all the time, these are the reasons he’s now my ex, I’ve got my life back now! Don’t waste your life on someone who can’t be arsed. My motto is you only get one life, don’t waste it on people who annoy you.

[wobblywonderwoman]

I don't think any marriage is perfect but it doesn't sound like there is much point in staying together. Have you DC?

[Sotuko]

I've told him loads of times, he just dismisses it and says there isn't a problem or he "can't help being tired/busy" but he makes no effort. He could come to bed earlier but chooses not to.
If I push it he says he'll make more effort but he never does.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

I assume you work so would be able to support yourself if you split and judging by the divorce papers his lack of interest in sex/affection is just who he is. Shame that he hasn't learnt from his first marriage ending that he needs to actually make an effort but you can do something about it.
Suggest a therapist or 6 months of making more effort (on his part) and if he won't agree just separate. You deserve a hell of a lot more than he is giving you and have your whole life ahead of you

[Sotuko]

No DC together.

When we first got together we used to have a great sex life but looking back, it was a novelty to him after being in a long loveless marriage. Once the novelty wore off, so did his interest in me. It's like he's just repeating his first marriage now.

[ShizeItsWeegie]

The old divorce paper is the key here then OP. This is him, take him or leave him. Anything hitherto was to reel you in. In your shoes I would divorce him amicably and move on. I've got twenty two years on you and married and having an immense amount of fun in being so! Life's too short and you know this is it. The no sex and making it clear he has no time for you or your needs would be a deal breaker for any normal thinking person I would imagine.
He sounds like the sort that would be happy in a small flat with a big telly!

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

Just read you updates. Well if you have discussed it before, he knows how you feel but refuses to do anything about it then, honestly, why stay married?
He sounds like a lazy, selfish waste of space. Sorry.

[Sotuko]

I earn £22k so would struggle but would manage. Currently on a household income of £55k so it would be a massive shock but I'm assuming I'd get used to a new budget. Christ I used to manage on less that £10k as a single parent.

[Blodplod]

Did you post about him a few weeks back? Something about only wanting to get drunk and watch bands and getting home and was sitting on the kitchen floor? Sorry if that was not you. But if it is it sounds like you’ve gone in a totally different direction now and he’s still the same. Personally it sounded dead in the water. I’m not sure I could live the rest of my life like that to be honest.

[carolmusic]

Honestly OP it’s like you’ve married my ex, he was just the same, wouldn’t discuss the issue, wouldn’t deal with issues and always brushed them under the carpet, in the mean time I’m getting more and more frustrated. My ex was the most laziest, selfish, argumentative, arrogant person I know.
Is he a Sagittarius by any chance?

[Cakebaby123]

sotuko this sounds like my husband! Married longer than you but have the same problems. He's not interested in sex. I love him so much so I won't leave him, i bought myself a rampant rabbit instead and I've never looked back!

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

Op, I earn a lot less than you but with working and child tax credits I make it work and if you have managed before with dc on 10k (!!) you can do it again but with better income. Don't forget you are entitled to half of marital assets aswell. You sound like a very strong, capable lady and it really infuriates me to see women like you being completely ignored and taken for granted. You are amazing, don't ever forget that!

[whyhastherumgone]

Ah OP that's really tough. You're too young to accept this as your life. Well really at any age we shouldn't have to accept it but it's even worse when you can see all the years stretching out ahead of you.

I think the key here is he doesn't seem to care enough to change. All couples go through phases of no sex or not much sex (currently pregnant and feel like a hippo so... yeah quiet spell!) but this sounds like so much more than that with underlying issues. If everything else was fantastic you might feel like you wanted to push him to work at it with counselling but to be honest it sounds like you're struggling to find anything positive to say about the marriage and your DH full stop?

[buckingfrolicks]

Go. This does not get better. Imagine the time when you will not have had sex for 10 years. That's from 36 to 46. All those years without being kissed, without a loving body pressed against yours. All those years without feeling desired and adored. He will NOT change.

[TheEmpressWears]

His first wife divorced him for lack of intimacy and affection?

This is just who he is. He wants to switch off when he gets home.