Strange Relationship with DH

[TwoBearsandCat]

DH is really determined we stay together and won't allow us to split. I'm 50-50 anyway as I would struggle to bring up 2 kids alone. No family to help.

He's great at helping and does all the shopping, cooking and driving. I tend to do kids, washing and cleaning. We both work and earn roughly the same.

He's got very secretive with money, we used to go through spending together to even out who's spent what now for about a year he won't do that ever or have a joint account. I don't think particularly I'm losing out but just weird he's stopped.

We don't sleep together and haven't for a year or so. He would hurt me a bit then laugh when I told him. He wouldn't agree to me leaving so I moved to a different room.

He's told me he's going away this half term for work though strangely wouldn't tell me where and said we should go away. He said kids and I should go to different location to him. Thought he meant he would pay for us but no. All very strange.

Won't let me have any of his e-mail passwords but used to insist on mine. I've changed them now. He's adamant he's not having an affair and its plausible he's not though am not 100 percent. To be honest I don't care that much.

I don't understand why he keeps insisting we stay together when it is so obviously over. I don't mind living like this but its weird. He doesn't seem able to cope at the thought of splitting saying he will commit suicide.

I don't even know what I'm asking but the weirdness is getting to me. I'm very anxious and too scared to go it alone. We are happy quite a bit of the time, lovely holidays etc but he seems to be playing happy families when we aren't.

[Kintan]

I’d say he is planning to leave and wants to do it all on his terms and is making sure his finances will be unavailable to you. I could be completely wrong but the separate holidays thing is so suspicious!

[TwoBearsandCat]

Thanks Kintan. I think some of this is very suspicious but I'm not sure what. His family are very protective over money so the secrecy with money might well be trying to protect it in case we split. I'm not sure if he's planning on leaving though I've asked to leave a few times and he becomes hysterical. It's possible he thinks I'm going to leave him though, at one stage he kept coming up with men he thought were plotting to take me off him and said they wanted him dead. He's gone on anti depressants since but thinking about it that was the same time he became secretive with money and emails.

I'm not sure what this latest thing is all about though with the break. It could be genuine but all seems odd couldn't tell me location of meeting and clearly wanted us away from him and not at home. He may just have thought we would prefer to be away so explains home but why away from him? Hmmm. Affair is the obvious thing but he's not that sort of guy. He's Aspergers type. Maybe he just wants a break. Thanks very much, I think it may explain some of it.

[Flossy1978]

I think he might want you and the kids out of the house so he can leave. Or so he can kick you out while you are gone, so you can't get back in.

He probably is having an affair.

Why don't you end it? Blackmailing with suicide is fucking pathetic. Go to a Lawyer and get yourself sorted and leave him. It is silly to stay married to such a manipulative man.

[TwoBearsandCat]

Thanks Flossy. We own the house 50-50 so neither of us can kick the other out legally though he could leave if he wanted to but he seems really determined I can never leave so don't think he would leave. I have begged him to leave on occasions and he will agree then totally refuse. I suspect he would fight a divorce.

An affair isn't impossible though there's no obvious candidates and no names being mentioned but I have wondered about that. You are right I should just go to a lawyer but I suspect he will make it so difficult to leave that I can't face going through it. The kids are 12 and 11 so keep thinking I will wait until they are older. Though I've been saying that since they've been born.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Fight a divorce? That's not really a thing. A court won't make you stay married.

You should see a solicitor to find out how it would all actually work if you split.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You will have to go through the trouble of splitting eventually. If I were you I'd get it done before the children's GCSEs then A-levels become your reasons to delay.

[TwoBearsandCat]

Thanks. It's all quite frustrating as he won't even acknowledge there's a problem. Just says I would never find anyone as good as him and I wouldn't manage without him so he's staying. He was getting very angry but has calmed down since the anti depressants started but its a really strange way to live. He doesn't seem interested in changing anything though. Says he loves me all the time but sometimes seems like he does other times like he couldn't care less.

[Protectingmydaughterfromfilth]

He won’t agree to you leaving? And what day does he have in that exactly?

Just go! Leave him a note and go! Stay with family, whoever.

What a strange post....

[Jellyheadbang]

He sounds unwell. I'm not being facetious but I've seen this happen twice recently with two different couples. Both times the husband was battling mental health issues.
Would he see a gp?
Please keep yourself and the kids safe, even consider taking a break and staying somewhere else for a while.

[Rainatnight]

For reasons I can't quite put my finger on, this is all raising alarm bells for me about your safety. I think you'd benefit from a chat with Women's Aid about this, and to get advice on leaving safely.

0808 2000 247

Please take care.

[Themummy76]

Do you think he would use you being away to self harm/commit sucide?! It seems like his mental health is not good.


If it was an affair then surely he would just leave given you’ve suggested this to him already?

[Themummy76]

Allthough I have to agree he seems more the type to hurt you rather than himself...

[Pretenditsaplan]

For some reason my gut says fire insurance scam. No clue why but i think hes goig to wait till your all out of the house on seperate holidays and then come back to burn the house down for the insurance also so that anything youve got ready to take if you leave him is destroyed. Again sounds outlandish vut it was my first thought. Either way before you go move out yours and the kids important stuff

[TwoBearsandCat]

He will say you are not leaving and generally he starts crying, once he said he would kill himself. Often he will say he will leave instead but then he never does and I don't believe him anymore. It's also very difficult for the kids and I to leave, we don't have anywhere to go. This is our home and my son needs to be at his school and his home as he's autistic and has a TA. I don't drive and my job is currently on a short term contract so don't have the money to rent somewhere else.

I think he does have mental health issues and when it got really bad again around 1.5 years ago I went to the doctor for help, he advised calling police and walking out when he gets very angry which I did once when he said he was going to kill himself and I was asking to be hurt. My husband is very secretive about what happened with the doctors but I know he's on anti depressants as because of those its safe now and he's been taught to walk away when angry. I wanted him assessed and managed to get an emergency psychiatric appointment but I don't think he ever went and they couldn't discuss it with me with him refusing. The doctor wasn't sure if its mental health or not but he was saying people wanted him dead including the doctor who apparently was doing this so he could get me for himself. The doctor is 10 years younger and married, it was ridiculous. He also said the same about another man, that man was flirting, but certainly didn't want him dead and men can't just steal me and I had no choice but to come into contact with him and it was only flirting. He was also saying mothers where wanting him dead. He's a lot calmer now at least. I do wish he had been assessed properly but I guess I can't force that. Trouble is he tells the doctor he's fine. Doctor and police both thought no risk of him committing suicide though I'm not sure. He told me he had been in the woods looking for places to hang himself.

[Themummy76]

Er are you serious? Then I think you need to access some immediate help for him and you.

[TwoBearsandCat]

I don't think it would be fire insurance but thanks, I'm puzzled so it's useful for all ideas. He's from a wealthy background so would have more to lose than to gain not that he shares any of the money but lots of family money/property.

He hasn't mentioned suicide for a year or so now and my son told me he told him he has an engine in his car boot which he's planning on taking to France when he goes on the business trip. So I think he is going to France but he always stays with relatives and he's not and doesn't want us there, that's odd, as well as claiming no one had decided the location of the meeting a week before it. A year ago I would have said him committing suicide would be a real possibility but now no. I think its more likely mental health than an affair and maybe he needs a break but doesn't want to admit that.

[TwoBearsandCat]

Yes I'm serious but from what the doctor tells me he doesn't tell any of it to the doctor. Since he's been on the anti depressants he doesn't seem to have thoughts about people wanting him dead or killing himself or at least he's not mentioning them. Police told me he had said he had no intention of killing himself though he told me he had been looking round woods but he has had help since.

[AcrossthePond55]

He sounds unhinged, borderline dangerous.

You can say whatever you want, but it's pretty clear that you're really afraid of him and what he might do. That's no way to live. It may not be easy, but you really need to get away. You may be paying with your lives if you don't.

See a solicitor to get yourself up to speed on what you can expect from a divorce. Use the time he's away to gather or photograph every important paper you can find. Try to find someone to confide in. You say there's no one. Stop and think, is that because he's isolated you from friends and family?

Move quietly and slowly towards separating. But do move.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Please. Get yourself and your kids away from this man. Now. This is no way to live. He sounds creepy and potentially dangerous.

[Brightredpencil]

He's clearly a disturbed individual and sounds dangerous. As the child of parents who stayed together for the sake of their children I can assure you they made a HUGE mistake. I was desperate for them to split up and my teenage years were horrendous. I would have been much happier going between bedsits if it came to it and being with each one individually. It was a massive error of judgement on their part and made me feel guilty/responsible for their happiness and constantly trying and hoping they would get on and constantly being upset that they couldn't. You need to get your children away from this man.

[TwoBearsandCat]

Thank you. I think you are right. I did tell a couple of friends when I had to call police, I went round to one of them. My family its been my choice to cut contact with as my mother starting hitting me and my son said once she had hurt him. She denied it but he had a bruise and I can't be certain but I can't risk it either. She also massively favours my daughter, gives her double the presents, only has photos of her. So I don't see them. Friends he does tell me I don't need them and I must not become like some of the mother's but I can still see during the day and I can e-mail them whenever. They will help but have own families.

I do wonder if there is something seriously wrong with his mental health that the doctors are missing, trouble is he wouldn't tell them because I think he thinks the one was plotting against him. The anti depressants do seem to work enough to stabilise things and its OK now but it happened before we had kids too and he was worse then putting his hands round my neck. I wanted to leave then but family said to stay and my mother was hitting me and I was advised he would get 50-50 custody then and I couldn't leave my kids alone with him. I got him on anti depressants then and he calmed down enough for us to get through but I'm incredibly anxious.

When I phoned Womens Aid a year ago they said he wouldn't get 50-50 access and to do refuge or force him out of houses Refuge doesn't work well with autistic child though in an emergency I would but he would lose TA and would not cope. I was quite concerned about impact of leaving DH untreated believing people wanted him dead. Doctor said he would get us help and we could work through it so that's what we've been doing but the anti depressants just seem like a sticking plaster. I don't know what he would do if we did kick him out. I want him well but it seems I can't force a psychiatric assessment. Thanks.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It sounds as if he won’t move out. I don’t see any other option than to start divorce proceedings and have the courts force him out. This is going to be a tough road of you decide to take it.

[pollywollydoodle]

This sounds like Othello Syndrome which is dangerous, particularly when external events fit the delusions e.g. You wanting to split will translate to you going off to your other man etc
Have a read
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathological_jealousy

[TitaniasCloset]

He sounds really unwell. You need help with this OP, I'm concerned for your safety.

[Themummy76]

Is he definitely taking the AD?